Kindle and Twilight

A few months ago, I got a Kindle as a gift. I am not much of a reader - I would rather do something (like sewing, knitting, cleaning, whatever!) than just sit and read. But, one day, I mentioned to my husband that one of my patients' family members had one and liked it very much. Miraculously, one appeared a few weeks later.

As an aside, it seems like my conversation with my husband provided him an excuse to buy one. He wanted to be the cool one, not me. I really haven't used it all that much, given the expense. It is fun and I certainly like the "whispernet" subscription and downloading books. It has been useful when traveling. I look so tech-savvy and I always have something to read.

As another aside...curiously, when I mention emptying the dishwasher to my husband, that doesn't miraculously get done.

Back to the subject, I have read two of the Twilight series books on the Kindle during my recent travels. These stories have been incredibly popular, even more so since the release of the second movie, "New Moon." I decided to find out what all of the hype was about and read the books. Also intriguing was the news stories that middle aged women were unusually attracted to these teen novels. My curiosity was piqued.

Here are my thoughts on Twilight.

The novels are entertaining. The author does a great job of capturing the emotions of being a teenager, of first love, and of longing. It's quite creative, too. For example, the cold temperature and the shimmering quality of the vampires' skin. So imaginative. I will admit, the wording and the tension that the author creates frequently gives me that butterfly-stomach feeling as I'm reading. That's pretty rare for me! Such a treat!

The main character, Bella, is supposed to be "every-teen." Mostly I like her character, but she does stupid things. Illustration #1: Dad says to stay out of the woods (in New Moon) because there have been strange sightings of giant bears, and people missing. Sounds like a good reason for Bella to go hiking by herself, don't you think? Illustration #2: Seems like a good idea to go cliff diving by herself into the Pacific ocean, in early spring, while a storm is coming in (also in New Moon). I get a bit disgusted with her need to be saved so frequently. Seriously, girl, think before you walk in a dark alley! And if you do, then defend your own dang self.

Perhaps the author is trying to capture the immature reasoning capabilities of the teen age mind. From this perspective, she has succeeded.

Another thing about Bella is that while she is immature on one level, she is unusually savvy on another level. She can cook fairly sophisticated meals. She can travel about the country and the world on a moment's notice (apparently without credit cards).

Edward and Jacob are mythical men. Teenaged boys are hardly that focused! Edward is supposedly 110 years old, more mature than your average 17 year old presumably from life experience. OK, I'll buy that. But Jacob and the other boys? In real life, they're playing goofy video games, eating too much, and skulking around like horn-dogs. What is all this brooding the characters do, too? I don't think most real teen boys are self aware enough to have such grasp on their emotions and how to express them. Jacob is abnormally sensitive to Bella's feelings. Like most teenage boys would have a clue.

As a mature reader, I can't help but consider this all simply an allegory for sexual maturation - the secret life of teens as they go through the difficult changes. While Bella keeps her association with mythical beings as her big secret, average teenage girls deal with their crushes; their own sexual urges and how to handle them; their friends who do antisocial things (drugs, sexual activity, disease, crime); and the dirty realities of life. While Jacob magically becomes a werewolf, average teenage boys deal with getting hairy, smelly, and awkward; with rage and surprisingly powerful emotions; with fitting in; with aberrant thoughts (and what to do with them); with their own crushes; with self doubt, self disgust ("I am a monster!"), self acceptance; and with their own sexual identity.

I mean, really. When Bella begs Edward to "change her" - what are we really talking about here?????

One thought that crossed my mind is what does a vampire do when his human girlfriend menstruates? And yet, a mere paper cut sends a vampire into a feeding frenzy (opening scene in New Moon - oh, save me, Edward!). Certainly I'm not the only one who has thought of this... ah, the wonderful world of fiction. In Forks, no one worries about pimples, glasses, braces, allergies, bad haircuts, unintended pregnancies, or mundane stuff like that.

My first impression of Twilight, when I first started reading, was that this was very much like a Harlequin Romance from years past, before they allowed the main characters to have sex, be unwed mothers, etc. The powerful and perfect male is beguiled by the average female, her every awkwardness enchants him more. She haplessly gets into trouble, and he appears to rescue her. He is always ready to commit long before she is. He is rich, sophisticated, handsome - never dorky, disgusting, or selfish.

I still enjoy the books, though. I am finally mature enough to enjoy the fiction without actually believing it.

Yeah, go read it! If you are a teenage boy, reading the Twilight books will give you an insight into what goes on in a female's mind. It may all seem boring and pathetic to you, but understanding this will give you a strategic advantage with girls.

Pre Christmas Rush

Actually, I'm not too far behind in my Christmas preparations. Yet, there are a few things left to do.

First a serious note. I attended my friend's memorial service yesterday. Many quilt guild people were in attendance. Our dear friend had been a past president of the guild, and thankfully, members had not forgotten. To paraphrase the pastor at the service, it is good that we came. The family had gotten together many of her quilts and had them displayed along with photos and other memorabilia. That's a neat idea.

So, where am I in my Christmas preparations? I have made several flower pins and given them as gifts. They are nice little presents. I was going to have one left over for me, but I found another person who needed a gift!

I have one more gift to make - a scrub cap for a member of my extended family who is an obstetrician. He probably won't use it, since I understand he prefers using the disposable caps. However, he is a gracious gift recipient and he has an appreciation of handmade items. To make a cap (in his med-school college colors) will be satisfying to us both.

I have most presents purchased and sent. Embarrassingly, though, I still haven't figured out what to get my sister and brother in law. I have one little thing for them...and then? Oy. I also need to get some small gifts for my parents and my uncles. Uncles. Senior citizen men are hard to buy for.

This morning I finished a rather elaborate gift for a coworker. I made him a scrub top. He has been a colleague now for almost 4 years, and I really enjoy working with him. He likes the Looney Toons character Tasmanian Devil ('Taz')and I found some cotton fabric with a Taz print. He has been bugging me for a top for a while, too! Scrub tops are not particularly difficult, but they do take time. And, I care to do a good job, including finished hems. I sure hope it fits.

Speaking of hospital wear, I sold two more caps on my etsy site! I shipped them on Friday, so hopefully the buyer will get them tomorrow. Now my site is "out" of skull caps! Oh no!

Yet, on Friday, I had a chance to take some more cap photos with my coworkers as models. I also got a sale among the coworkers...how about that. I hope to post a few more caps today.

I eagerly anticipate going to visit family over the holiday. Partially it is the fun of getting out of town, traveling by air, and doing something different. It is also the joy of seeing family.

It's over

I did try to see my friend, but it was too late. I don't know exactly when she died, but when I went to the nursing home, all they could tell me was that she was no longer staying at the facility.

It was not surprising, of course. I feel a little guilty because I could have seen her last week, but I was wrapped up in my own things.

I wish I had something profound to say. I don't. It is what it is.

My friend is dying

I have a friend in quilt guild who is very sick. Her illness came on rather suddenly in early November and she spent weeks in the intensive care unit and a progressive care unit. Interestingly, she was at my hospital all the time, but I didn't know until the last few weeks. She stabilized and was moved from my hospital to a rehab center. Yesterday, we got email from a family member that she is in hospice care now.

Obviously, I am saddened by this. She is a nice lady, and excellent quilter, and a good leader in the quilting community here in Kansas City. She blessed me many times in various ways. She sat with me during our annual quilting-for-charity day in guild and we chatted. She attended one of my wind symphony concerts. She was a committee chair when I was the guild's newsletter editor, and she was a faithful encourager and provider of newsletter content.

The thought keeps running through my mind - "how can this be?"

For one thing, she is my parents' age. She was vibrant and active just a few months ago. How can she get so sick so fast, come back from the brink, but then decline anyway? Life is strange. Death is strange, too.

I think I'll try to go see her today. It may be too late. I don't know what I can offer her. My feelings of uselessness should not preclude me from offering a blessing to her.

My First Sale

Yesterday I got my first sale from my Etsy shop. I'm so excited!

I posted a few more hats. Let's see what happens.

This is fun!

Bust

The craft open house was a bust for me. No sales at all. Frowny face.

My items are rather specialized, I realize. The friend who held this event assured me that nurses were coming! They were so excited about seeing the scrub caps, she assured me.

Well, they didn't make it.

I'm disappointed, to be honest. I tried not to set high expectations, but it was a lot of time to spend just sitting there. With my illness, it was not pleasant sitting there coughing, sucking on lozenges, and drinking tea. I'm sure this made me act and look less inviting.

At least I gave out a number of business cards for my Etsy shop and I got some pictures for new postings on Etsy. Moreover, I have some inventory now. I actually have something to sell in my Etsy shop. Maybe it will work out in the long run.

A Long Awaited Update

I have been busy and I haven't had a chance to write. Here is the summary:

• Sewing every chance I get to have enough inventory for a handmade holiday open house THIS SATURDAY!
• Work, with extra meetings.
• In-laws here for Thanksgiving. Which necessitated cleaning house, planning menus, shopping, planning outings, etc.
• Procrastinating on my round robin for quilt guild. I had to finish that by Nov 29 before doing more scrub caps.
• Trip to North Carolina for my patent recognition.
• Now, a bad cold.

Ergh. I am not happy about the cold. I was fighting it valiantly but looks like I lost out in the end. Perhaps the stress and dryness of air travel did me in.

The trip to NC was awesome and did it ever make me miss the south. It is so green there in the fall and winter compared to here in Kansas! I got to see several friends, including my former coworkers at "Terrific Company" (my pseudonym for this company, from a previous series of posts). That was OK - the experience with those coworkers through the turmoil that eventually led me out of computing was deeply emotional at the time. Now, I am far enough away from it that I can regard it more objectively.

I am glad I didn't do anything impulsive or rash at the time. I had the opportunity. I chose not to use it.

Also, I saw a friend from nursing school. I saw a friend and former roommate from computer science graduate school. I met with my former quilting bee from Terrific Company once a week at lunch hour. (I showed them this blog. Hello ladies!! if you are reading...) I even had a little time to shop at a quilt shop.

Now, the open house is two days away. I had a detailed and busy plan for all the preparatory work today - but I'm quite tired and congested. I think I'll be well enough for Saturday, if I take good care today.

That's a big "if." There's much to do today.

Perhaps I'll start with a nap...

One week of Entrepreneurship

One week of being an online entrepreneur and artist has not yielded any sales. Still, I am not surprised, or even disappointed really. However, I need to keep moving forward. I got rather stuck this week with other responsibilities.

Generally, it was a good week at work and at home.

On Monday, I went to see a lecture by Alex Anderson, the TV quilting personality. This event was sponsored by our local Bernina dealership. She used to host a show on HGTV called Simply Quilts back in the 90s and early 00's. I enjoyed the show, but during her lecture, I got the impression that she and HGTV did not part ways on the best of terms. She was not derogatory about it...it sounds like it was unfortunate for her and the network.

She is now doing an online show called The Quilt Show with Ricky Tims. I am not a subscriber but I will check it out; from how she described it, it did indeed sound like a fun website. Alex and Ricky have a new magazine coming out called Quilt Life, and at the lecture, she had discount subscription cards. As if I need another magazine....however, the offer is a good price, and I like her style. Why not?

The lecture made me want to have a Bernina sewing machine - I currently own a Pfaff and I am well pleased with it. Yes, it has some quirks - most machines do. Bernina is something like a cult, and they are considered the best machine for quilters, embroiders, and high end sewers. People who own one fall under its spell. In my opinion when you get into those high-end machine brands (Bernina, Pfaff, Elna, Husqvarna-Viking), they are quite similar and it becomes a matter of personal taste. Berninas are not the least expensive machines in this list, either. If I am considering taking it to the next level with home embroidery, then I will look at Bernina again.

Well, off to the sewing room to finish a few tasks!!

The shop is open

If the pictures weren't so silly, I'd post the URL of my shop here. However, you probably could find it if you searched Etsy. I posted 5 items. Very cool.

No sales yet, but I didn't expect any yet. I wonder if anything will sell? I've had a few views of my items which is a good start. Maybe some of them are people I don't even know.

I'm in the big time now.

Curiously, all I want to do is sew, still. I'm addicted! Joy!

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday dear me-eee...

Happy Birthday to me.

I am 44.

No longer in my early forties, I guess.

Happy Anniversary, Thoughtful Quilter

Today, my blog is 2 years old. This is my 148th post.

It has been good therapy, as I continue to write. I have something like 3 to 10 posts a month, usually around 5 or 6. To my knowledge I don't have any followers except for a relative and maybe a few friends that read my posts from time to time. Occasionally someone finds a post via searching, when they look for something that I happen to have written about.

Over the 2 years, my posts have evolved. I used to write a lot about my job, but not so much any more. After three years, I am comfortable in my job, less mental anguish over the things that happen day to day.

Things still happen that disturb me, in fact something happened yesterday that has me in a funk today. I don't think I want to write about it - it was all just miserable, and I felt so inadequate. Suffice to say, my job still kicks my ass from time to time.

Now I write about quilting, my sewing endeavors, social situations, etc. I also like to write about memories from time to time (like October 31 post 2009). It's a good exercise.

Nevertheless, it is my anniversary. Yay for me.

Halloween - a few memories

It has been a while since I wrote a memory post. Here are some costumes from Halloweens I remember.

When I was very little, about 4 or 5, Mom made my sister and me some matching clown costumes for Halloween. They were adorable - balloony outfits with gathered elastic neck, arms, and ankles. The fabric was half red and white polka dots, half solid red, divided on the vertical plane. Bright red pom poms were sewn to the seam line in the front, like giant buttons. We had matching hats topped with a pom pom, and Mom painted in our cheeks and noses with red lipstick. She also painted on clown eye make up. Every time I looked in the mirror, I giggled. Gawd, we were cute.

Another time, maybe age 7 or 8, I dressed as a ghost. We actually got to cut up white sheets to make the costumes. I painted my ghost face like a girly-ghost, with lipstick, eyelashes, and blush. That was a last minute costume - I remember that I imagined it looked more sophisticated than it really did. I thought I looked like the ghosts they drew in cartoons. Yet, I was disappointed when I looked in the mirror.

In 6th grade, I was in my androgynous phase, and I dressed up as a hobo, wearing stuffing for a beer belly, some of my dad's old clothes, and a mask and derby hat found at the convenience store. I carried a pouch on a stick, like the hobos of the movies did.

Two times, in high school band, we were to dress up for the marching band half time show at the football game. One year I dressed up like Smurfette. I put on a ton of blue temporary hair dye. Yeah, I know, Smurfette is a blond (and so was I at the time) but I wanted blue hair!! I had a cool white smurf hat, and I wore white sweat pants along with my white band shoes. I remember the blue hair spray dye got everywhere - I was spitting blue and blowing blue boogers.

The second year, I dressed up as Miss Piggy. I made little stuffed ears to wear, I had long gloves with big rings, a clip on pig snout, and I let my blond hair flow free. I wore a pink dress and high heels. Brilliant idea, marching on a football field in high heels - ah, the things kids do.

One high school year, when Halloween fell mid week, I was Marilyn Monroe, and I wore a bright red party dress to school. The dress was my aunt's from the 1950s, and it included rhinestones, taffeta, and chiffon. I teased my hair and did the marvelous make up of the fifties (bright red lipstick, powder, heavily lined eyes). I wanted attention. I wanted to be pretty. Normally, I was such a nerd.

I don't remember what I did in college. Hell, it was just an excuse to drink, anyway.

Oh, wait, I remember one year, I dressed up as Barbie Doll. I had a gold metallic prom dress (which I had not worn to a prom, but had acquired some other way), and a did barbie doll hair and make up. Too bad I wasn't as busty or thin as Barbie. This was at a sorority event - some of my sisters dressed up as the chicks in Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love video from MTV. They looked awesome.

MTV. Yes, indeed, it *was* the 80s....

As an adult, a few of my memorable costumes were:

• Black cat with cat's eyes fashioned out of black sunglasses with fluroescent green eyeballs. (That one was very effective. I wore it a couple of years.)
• Hans and Franz from Saturday Night Live in the 90s (I was Franz, my boyfriend was Hans)
• Wallace and Gromit (I was Gromit, dear husband was Wallace)

This year, nothing. I wore a Halloween pin to work yesterday.

Going public

I am making another web persona and I am going public with a shop to sell my scrub caps on Etsy. It isn't live yet, but I'm working on it. My goal is to have 10 items posted and open the shop for business on my birthday.

I've been busy with that for a while, which is why I haven't posted here for a while. It's exciting and fun. Trying to make inventory. Coming up with shop policies. Figuring out how to accept payments. Trying to decode how to calculate sales tax for in state sales.

Oy, taxes.

Now, I need inventory, and dammit, I keep selling my inventory at work. These sales are bootstrapping my little business.

Last weekend I went to the O You! conference in Kansas City. It's a motivational conference sponsored by Oprah Winfrey and all of her associates with lectures, workshops, and educational opportunities. I had a delightful time - good speakers that made me feel empowered, lots of samples passed out to attendees, a nifty little notebook and a foldable tote bag given at registration, and goodie bags handed out at the end of the show. All kinds of good stuff included in those nice totes. Lunch was even included and it was pretty darn good.

Oprah Winfrey is good. She's the Eleanor Roosevelt of our generation (sort of...well, you know what I'm getting at). She strives for good and personal empowerment for all. I like that. What can I say, I'm a fan. And now I'm even more excited about my little shop.

Thoughtful

Today the Thoughtful Quilter is thoughtful. Hee, hee.

Present

Regarding work: I decided to go back to the 3 12-hour shifts. Late on Thursday it occurred to me that I would be working a lot more if I stayed at the 4 10-hour shifts, not just the 4 extra hours. My personal time seems to have diminished more than the 10% extra hours I was working. This is not why I became a nurse.

I love my job; however, I love my personal life just a little more.

Past

Another ghost from the past emerged. I received and invitation from my former company to a breakfast honoring people who held patents for the company. This is how I learned that my second patent was granted.

Curiously, it was granted last February, 8 months ago. Did anyone think to mention that to me? No, of course not. That sums up my whole experience with that company. (Flipping company the bird right now.)

Nevertheless, my gut told me I should go to the ceremony. In the spirit of following my instincts, I said yes and now I am making plans to go. Flying to North Carolina, seeing old friends. How exciting! Some of those folks don't even know I'm in Kansas and I'm an RN now.

I experienced a range of feelings when this news came. Pride, ego, intimidation, sadness, insecurity, embarrassment, superiority, happiness, excitement.

Future

I am sewing scrub caps like a crazy woman. I have another client, how about that! A chef who wants something to cover her hair when preparing food for her clients. Networking is taking place! I can actually do this!

Watch for a November 8 launch.

Two Quotes I Like

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

and

"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." - Walt Disney

The first quote inspires me to continue learning and growing. I feel much more empowered now than any previous time in my life.

I just heard the second quote recently, and I have been pondering it. It inspires me to decide what I want and go make it happen. Typically, I get frustrated when I want to do something but the world isn't aligning to my desires. Well, hell. I need to make the reality I want. Hence the online store idea.

I tend to wallow in research. Sometimes, I just need to jump in naively, foolishly, and optimistically. Of course, for this store to have some hope of success, I need something to sell before I actually create it. I'm working on that now. I have several kits cut out for scrub caps, now if I can put them together, I'll need to launch. Opening shop on my birthday is a wonderful goal. Less than a month!! Sure I can do it. I just need about 10 hats to sell and then we'll see what happens.

Today, I made bread. Good therapy. I used a honey whole wheat recipe I had not tried before (from my favorite bread book: Homemade Bread, by the Food Editors of Farm Journal). It came out great - very wheat-y and not too heavy. Moist, with a fine crumb. The recipe is called whole wheat bread, but then it calls for 2/3 all-purpose flour, 1/3 whole wheat flour. Well, I fixed that - instead, I changed it to 2/3 whole wheat flour - serendipitously, though. I ran out of white flour. Whoops.

The recipe makes 3 loaves, but it turns out that three loaves of dough is slightly too much for my mixer. It nearly worked its way out of the bowl up the dough hook while kneading! The mixer handles 2 loaves worth of dough just fine.

Every day, I learn something.

Incidentally, it was Quilt Guild day today. No big whoop this time - more of a business meeting, so I wasn't all wrapped up with program details.

Damn.

The name I thought of for my business....is also a porn star name.

Guess I won't use that. Back to the drawing board...

The Middle Kingdom

I feel like I'm in between right now.

In between what, and what? It is not clear to me. Here's what is going on:

Work:
I recently changed work schedules for an experiment at work. My supervisor wanted to try having another early AM nurse to see if we could have more patients ready for their procedures earlier. The goal is to allow the doctors to get started earlier. So maybe they can finish their days earlier and stop having to pay so much overtime and late-hour differentials to the lab staff.

Aside: Why the labs' overtime is our responsibility, I don't know. Why do we have to adjust our work because they can't get through their schedules efficiently? Nevertheless, our manager has decided that we should make an impact.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been working four 10-hour shifts, 6:00a to 4:30p. Now, halfway thorough the experiment, I am not sure if I like it. I do like getting out of work when it is still daylight. I think I will like the increased money in each paycheck (working 40 hours instead of 36, and any overtime is *real* overtime). I like feeling that I'm making a difference in the success of my unit. I like the idea that I could have my evenings free, such that I get things done after work - I'm not so wiped out at the end of the day that I sit comatose in front of the TV until I go to bed. I like eating dinner at a normal time.

I don't like getting up so early. I miss my yoga in the mornings. I don't like having to do 12 hours of work in 10 hours time. I don't like getting a majority of admissions in my assignments (admitting patients takes more work). I don't like being looked upon as a slacker for leaving "early." I don't like working 4 days a week.

I don't like the pressure to adopt this schedule permanently. Technically I haven't been asked to do so, yet, though.

My husband likes seeing me more often.

I wonder if it's time for a new job?

Church:

Again, it is Sunday, and again, I don't want to go to church. I also don't want to sing with the Praise Team any more. Why?

1. Praise Team is boring. We sing the same old music over and over again. This is because we can't learn new music. Why? I think it is because our members can't read music, they don't seem to have an interest in learning something new, and because the director is a busy person who doesn't have the time or energy to push us to do something different or better.
2. Praise team members love to chit chat about their kids in school. Several of the members are teachers, and all (but one) of them have school-age kids. I don't have kids. I don't work in the schools. I feel left out.
3. The preaching is rather dull right now. Our pastor is retiring soon and I think he's running out of steam. I'm tired of sermons on Abraham and Sarah. Or Isaac. C'mon. Make me think.
4. I don't have a support group in church. It takes about 4 weeks of absences for someone to notice I'm not there. Now.... I can't put too much importance in this excuse, since to expect that of my church is to overestimate my significance there. I don't join small groups, so I don't have anyone to miss me. As I've said before, I go to church for me, not because they want me there. This side effect is entirely my own doing.
5. I'm feeling like I don't have enough time to myself with the increase in work hours and my recent commitments in the Wind Symphony. I want those 2-3 hours for me. Like, right now...I'm posting during church time.

Personally, I think it's OK to be away for a while. I really wish I could be devoted all the time. It just isn't that way with me. No need to feel all guilty about it.

Heh. Apparently I am feeling guilty. I'm confessing it right now, aren't I?

Hobbies / Sewing:

I thought up a brand name for my "company." I am trying to make some inventory. I hope to launch in the near future. Maybe for my birthday!

I have decided again that this VP job (in the quilt guild) is not for me. I cannot do it for another year. It's too stressful for me.

What I want to do:

All I want to do is follow my creative pursuits - sewing, knitting, learning Japanese, clarinet, cooking (mmm, I made some delicious Chinese stir fry bean thread noodles with veggies last night).

I am in between the tension of what I have to do, what I should do, what I want to do, and the larger goals I have for my life.

It was for love...

Per my previous post, my friend did move to Madison for love. That's terrific. Unfortunately the relationship ended, so he's single again. Sounds like it was worth it, though.

I am glad I made that connection with him. I looked on the map. Madison is not too far from Kansas City- theoretically the trip could be made by car. It's even easier by plane. Maybe we'll see him sometime soon.

A connection...

For some odd reason I looked for an old work colleague on Linked In. I don't have much activity on Linked In, and generally I'm not that keen on making reconnections with people. It seems a bit overly sentimental.

He accepted my connection. I feel weird about having done that, although I am curious about what he is doing. He moved from Rochester, NY to Madison WI - I never thought he'd move from upstate NY. Apparently this was for work, but maybe it was for love. I hope he is doing well, though. He is "good people."

What might have made me think of him is my fascination with the TV show "The Big Bang Theory." He was a lot like the character Leonard, and his friends were like the other characters on the show. Brilliant, socially awkward, kind hearted, a little silly and immature. That show cracks me up, it's a scream.

Mid month status

I contacted the quilter about getting my simple tribute top quilted. She asked if I *had* to have it by Christmas, as her schedule was filling up. Ouch. So much for placing it the guild quilt show in October...

I can wait; it can go in next year's quilt show.

I started making a few more scrub caps for my friends and the idea of an Etsy business has come to mind again. I spent some more time reading about how to set up an Etsy storefront. I haven't thought of a clever name yet, but I am collecting ideas as they come to me. Additionally, I'm thinking about original designs and techniques. I currently have my own patterns, modifications of purchased patterns. I hope that's not copyright infringement.

I mean, how many ways can you make a scrub cap?

I have some unique style ideas, involving applique, piecing and printing. I need to follow though and create some inventory. The buzz for the heart walk 2010 is starting again, and people are looking to me to lead and do the scrub cap fundraiser again. Heck, it could be a good start to my business.

Work Issues

The new hire in the cath lab started and I get to smile and be all friendly to her. Actually she seems nice; she certainly didn't do anything to me. I have no reason to be mad at her. Still, it reminds me that I was rejected. Eh.

I have not had any urge to work in critical care, and therefore qualify for such a position. I think I'll sit tight for now.

Now, I am involved in a staffing experiment on my unit. I agreed to work 4 10-hour shifts starting at 6:00am. This schedule starts tomorrow. When I agreed to do this, I didn't think too much about it, but now that it is imminent, I am having regrets. This gives me only one day per week to myself, and I'm not happy about that. I frequently have to give that day to work, anyway, for training, such is the case this week. I have to work 5 days in a row.

Yeah, I know, that's what most people have, but I am not used to it. And, I'll be working overtime. I don't like it.

The "training" I get to do is yet another test, in which I have to prove I can do all the skills I do every day. I do not like being tested so much. At least after 3 years in nursing I am getting numb to the testing. Everything is a goddamn test.

I just have to get through this week. Things will be better later. This staffing experiment only lasts 4 weeks.

Simple Tribute

Here are two pictures of Simple Tribute. This is the best photography I could do in limited time and space. The pattern is from American Patchwork and Quilting magazine. I forget which issue - I'm thinking around 2003, when 9-11 was so fresh in the nations memory and the war was new. You can find the pattern at AllPeopleQuilt.com.

Quilt Top

Block Detail

It's a basic 13-piece Log Cabin pattern with a gold center (instead of the traditional red), with one half whites, the other half a selection of reds and blues. This is a queen size quilt, the largest I've ever made. I wanted it to be scrappy, hence the variety of fabrics used. Originally, I thought the light section should be more beige, but as I was making the blocks, I thought the whites looked so much nicer and crisper. This choice had the unintentional consequence of making the quilt turn out "whiter" overall than I anticipated. I still like it a lot. I just had a different expectation.

I can't believe it's done. I think I have been working on it for nearly 2 years.

Labor Day

Today I labored on my "Simple Tribute" project. It has sat in a box for several months; I was afraid to work on it because of the perceived stress I would feel. I had put all the rows together, and when I attempted to place my first sashing strip, it didn't match up at all. The strip includes corner squares at the join points and some of the sashing strips have points to make an 8-point star and these intersections.

I tore out my first sashing strip and put the project aside for a while. It took *that much* emotional energy. All that work, and the pieces didn't fit together!

Now, months later, I decided to take another look. I took a different approach: a technique like setting in a sleeve on a shirt by starting at the middle and fixing specific points (in this case the sashing intersect points), instead of lining up one end and hoping it would all fit into place. With a little ease here, a slight stretch there, it worked. I am so pleased.

I have completed the piecing part of the top! All 80 blocks and the sashing. I've got two borders on now. If I get the last two borders on, the top will be....*gasp*... done.

Should I even hope it could be ready for the guild quilt show?

September Guild Meeting

Guild meets on the first Tuesday of the month, which was yesterday.

This month we had another national speaker, Sue Nickels, along with a workshop. She was a very professional speaker and gave a delightful talk on her collaborative process with her sister, Pat Holly. I also took the workshop, learning her precise technique for machine applique. It was fun, and it gave me an excuse for buying a new foot for my sewing machine. Sue Nickels is a skilled teacher. She has a good set up for learning and demonstrating and she explains techniques clearly.

For me, it was a long day. I had to pack up the car with my supplies for the meeting. I picked up Ms. Nickels and her stuff at the hotel, I had to g buy lunch for her between meeting and workshop, I coordinated the workshop (and was expected to know everything about table set up, lighting, extension cords, supplies etc.). I made sure the room was cleaned up after the conclusion of the workshop, and I did a lot of the clean up. I packed up the car again and drove her back to the hotel. I organized dinner and went out to dinner with her (and another guild member), then dropped her off at the hotel again.

At least I didn't have to get her to and from the airport. Thank goodness we have a committee! Whew! It was a full 12 hour day!

Yes, it was fun, and I'm getting more relaxed about the meetings I am involved in running. (Usually I am anxious and stressed about the meeting, worrying that everything is running alright.) I enjoyed getting to know Sue a little more personally; this is one of the perqs of being on the program committee. I ate too much at dinner, but boy was it good - we went to The Elephant Bar.

(They have these new "mini" desserts for only $2.95. They are anything but "mini" in size. I had the red velvet cupcake with ice cream. Yum-o.)

Now, if I can only get a project completed for guild!

I was mortified to see one of my fellow guild members had actually completed an Aunt Millie's Garden quilt! That is the pattern I am laboring so slowly over! Oh I am humbled, I tell you. At least that other guild member chose a different background than I am using, and by the time I get mine finished, everyone will have forgotten that my project is a repeat.

I still love this hobby.

Faith

Another posting on faith. It's Sunday, after all.

When I was in nursing school, one of my fellow students decided to have a Bible Study at her house. She rented a 9-week series by Beth Moore called "Believing God." It was pretty good. We watched a video in a group one day a week, then individually, we would work in a workbook over the next 7 days, exploring the theme of that week's presentation. My classmate invited some of her friends as well as some other students.

I think I was the only classmate who made it through the whole thing. Besides the organizer, of course.

I'm rereading my workbook from the Bible Study. It's an interesting read - there are lessons and there are sections we were supposed to fill out, which I did. I did most of the Bible readings and I answered the questions. I didn't always fill out the devotional sections or personal reflections. Nevertheless, I got something out of it. Reading the Bible is certainly not a waste of time, at the very least.

I guess what I'm pondering today is how much I've forgotten about the study. It was an uplifting, edifying study. I have forgotten how much stronger it made me feel.

I might like to do a Bible study again. One challenge is that I go to the middle church service and they schedule all of the adult Sunday school classes during that time - I guess it's for the convenience of those who go to the early service or the late service. Fine. I also don't have a consistent night free with my current work schedule, so evening based programs are difficult.

So much for that.

I think I'll keep reading this notebook though. I feel a bit lost lately, searching for direction, in some ways.

Better

Things are a little better now. I noticed that the cath lab nurse job is no longer posted, so it must be filled. At least I tried.

Sewing has helped. Thumbing my nose at work one day last week also helped. Long story - it really wasn't a big deal, but it made me feel better.

Here are a few pictures of Aunt Millie's Garden in progress. I'm charmed.

The Pit....in August?

The Pit - the name of my depression. It is unusual for me to be in the Pit in summer. Why?

Clearly the sentinel event was that I was declined for a cath lab interview. The situation is intensified by the fact that I get to see the people they are interviewing as they show them our unit. Isn't that just swell?

I have been thinking of why this is bothering me so much. I mean, after all, I was rather luke warm about applying because of the on-call demands of the position. Obviously it touched a nerve. My conclusion is this: I do not like to be told I'm inadequate.

Yeah, sure, who doesn't?

It's something I struggle with, as my previous blogging suggests. It hurts because I've tried again and again to be everything and to be above question. Dammit, I cross all my T's and dot all my I's. Why am I not enough?

Seriously, though, I am as inadequate as anyone else. Similarly, I am as competant as anyone else. In this case, I simply do not have what they are looking for. What's wrong with that? Nothing, really.

As usual, the only way I can come to terms with this is to focus on me. It comes down to what I want. There is a clear path to get there, which is to spend at least 2 years in an intensive care unit and get that experience. I'll probably need a Master's degree too if I want to progress beyond that. I work at an academic hospital. They place great value on certifications, qualifications, and degrees.

I am protesting because I just don't want to do it. Yeah, I could - it's not a matter of feeling like I "can't" or "couldn't." Certainly I could. I must determine if that goal is worth a large cost of my time, effort, free time, emotional energy, and money. I also need to think what if they change the criteria, or they don't have a position for me, or they find some other reason not to hire me even after I do all those things.

I want to keep working on my quilts and crafts, dammit. I want to stay with the symphony. I don't want to give that up yet to go to classes, take tests, work weekends, and screw up, and take more tests. I did it once, when I went to nursing school in 2004, and it was friggin' hard. Need I do it again?

I don't know what to do next. I don't know. For now, status quo.


Another reason for the Pit is the weather. It has been gray, cool and rainy for the past several days.

What a shitty summer, weather wise. I don't think we broke 100 degrees even once.

*sigh* I need to post on my quilting instead. Much happier topic, no doubt.

Rejected

I did not get an interview with the cath lab. It was my lack of critical care experience that disqualified me.

I feel conflicting things about this rejection. I am not sure how to interpret it. Perhaps it is timing. Perhaps the manager doesn't want to work with me (I have pissed her off a few times recently...but I didn't think those instances were major). Perhaps God doesn't want me to take that career path. Perhaps I should get the critical care experience. Perhaps someone else doesn't want me on that team. Perhaps when my ego gets involved, I am doomed. As soon as I think I *am* something, I am humbled.

In one sense, I am relieved; I don't have to make a decision.

I'm not sure what to do next.

The Girlfriend Getaway

On Sunday I returned from my girlfriend getaway vacation with my east coast friend, AB. We had a very nice time touring Boston. On the first day we arrived and just hung out at the hotel. It was fairly late.

The second day we walked the entire Freedom Trail. We got the cancellation stamps in our National Parks Passports for every site that had one along the trail. We saw American historical sites. Lunch was at Quincy Market, and I enjoyed vegetarian Moussaka from a Greek food stall in the food court area. AB enjoyed Spanakopita. For dinner we indulged in some delicious Italian food in Boston's Little Italy at a place called G'Vanni's, (free plug!), where we befriended the couple at the table next to us, and we talked away the mealtime. The food was very good, and we totally enjoyed it. The day concluded with some decadent desserts from Mike's Pastry carried home to the hotel room. I chose a cannoli. Can't go wrong with that.

Day three was a trip out into the harbor to visit two islands, George's Island and Peddocks Island. Another perfect day for touring, with temps in the upper 70s and low humidity. We wandered around George's Island first, then had a picnic lunch...including a few Italian butter cookies from Mike's Pastry we'd bought the night before. Yum-o. Peddock's Island was a short ferry ride away, and we toured the defunct army fort with an enthusiastic ranger named Jude. After that hike, we took the ferry back to George's Island, then back the harbor.

Our hotel was a few blocks from China Town, so we had Asian food that last night. I had some good Massaman Curry after some fresh spring rolls for an appetizer. Another good night of sleep and we were back home on Sunday, which was day four.

Here are some nice things about this little vacation. The deal I got with the hotel room included buffet breakfast two of the three mornings; the hotel buffet was just awesome. The hotel itself was very good and it smelled delightful - kind of a white ginger/ honeysuckle/ lily of the valley scent, I would call it. It was close to everything we wanted to see. I found some fun things to buy in Boston, including some Christmas presents.

The picture at the top of this post was from Quincy Market! At the vendor cart called "Teeny Billboards", I bought the drawing from the vast selection of cartoon pictures depicting various family/friend groups. Some colors are already completed, and the artist adds your caption, your names (which I cropped out, for privacy purposes) hair color and skin color. I'm the blond. Too cute. The artist is Judy Truedson.

It is not straightforward to get to Boston from Kansas City and back, so I had stops and layovers. On Sunday morning, I went to the Boston airport early on Sunday to see AB off. This left me with nearly 4 hours before my flight. To fill the time, I indulged in a pedicure at the spa in the terminal which was so relaxing, and gave me metallic orange toenails. I completed my novel on my Amazon Kindle, Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt, and I got a lot of my applique project done. The layover in Milwaukee was almost 3 hours, and it turned out to be fortunate. A terrible thunderstorm rolled through while I waited. Would not want to be flying in *that* mess.

I need to post some updated pictures of my Aunt Millie's Garden (applique) project. It's coming along really nicely.

I should also post my impressions on the Kindle, too. So far, I like it. Maybe it will encourage me to read more.

Since I went right back to work on Monday, it has taken me most of today to get reestablished at home and feel relaxed from the trip. I'm so glad AB and I do this every year. It's so special, so unique, and always fun.

Between

I am between vacations right now - leaving one week from today to have my girlfriend getaway in Boston, after having returned from Ohio to visit my brother, sister-in-law, and niece.

Had a nice time in northeast Ohio. It was good to reconnect....I am not "best friends" with my brother, but I would like to establish a relationship, at least. Therefore, I am working on it.

We tried Chrissy Hind's restaurant in Akron, called The Vegiterranean. It was a beautiful restaurant and the food was very good, also. All vegan, how about that! I tried the Gardein (meat substitute) Scallopini...very good, but a little oily. I hope it was olive oil....

Also "between" is dear husband - between contracts. The days he has off now are weekends to him, he doesn't have to do anything. I don't have any days to myself in this between time. Shit.

At least he said he'd complete a honey-do list, so I'd better get to work on it. Yay, his time off generated another task for me. At least he agreed.

But for God's sake. The dishwasher was full of clean dishes since we got back Tuesday night. You can't put dirty ones in it. So....uh...empty it? You have all day, don't you? Apparently not.

Now he's following me around the house. I get up out of bed, it's time for him to get up. I work in the kitchen, he watches TV in the (adjacent)family room. I move into the office to check email and work on my blog, he suddenly needs to work on his email and computer things. It'll be curious to see how often this happens today.

I hope he gets a job soon.

Cath lab

I applied for the cath lab position. I haven't heard a thing...although it's only been one day. I mentioned it to two potential coworkers and one of them was very excited. We'll see what happens. I'm not convinced I will go if offered, but I need to try.

We will spend this weekend away visiting family in Ohio. It should be a good time. It will be good to get away for a few days. Flying, even.

Gardening success!

I pulled my first carrot from the 2009 garden today. Joy! I have grown a 4 inch carrot and it was delicious. My God, it tasted like a carrot!

I have struggled with carrots for the last two years. This year I tried a different variety ("YaYa") and I amended the soil more vigorously. It worked. I have many more carrots growing.

I harvested my first cucumber today as well. I have picked about a dozen yellow plum tomatoes so far and I have one Roma tomato and one Jet Star tomato ripening inside.

A special thrill is that I have a melon on the vine. I hope to harvest it in a week or so.

A vegetable garden is truly a miracle.

Quilting Success

My Iris block is nearly done and it is very pretty. My applique technique improves with every piece and I am eager to start a new block. Although, before I start a new one, I need to finish up the Posies block, now that I've figured out how to do the center medallion.

Life Success

Not quite yet... A position is definitely opening up in the cath lab. We learned late last week that one of their RNs will be moving out of state. Should I apply? I don't know; I continue to pray for guidance.

Quilt Guild

Guild Meeting

Yesterday was quilt guild day (Blue Valley Quilter's Guild) and it was my 3rd meeting as a member of the programs committee, a.k.a. Vice President.  There are three of us who are the "vice presidents" because it is a big job to be responsible for conducting the programs part of each meeting.  We arrange for speakers, work out all the logistics for the speaker's presentation, help the speaker in any way possible, set up the room for the meeting, check equipment, promote and advertise workshops and programs, and clean up afterwards.  We do whatever is needed to make our programs successful.

It's a big job. I also find it rather stressful; yet, the sense of accomplishment at the end of a successful meeting is gratifying. I think this year's committee is doing a pretty good job. 

Yesterday's meeting was the annual garage sale, auction, and potluck lunch. We had to get there early to set the place up,  conduct the business of the garage sale, collect items for the auction, answer questions, and then run the auction. The garage sale is where people clean out their sewing rooms and donate sewing items for sale to other members. 

The auction involves "big" items that people donate. It amazes me what people give away. We had a huge quilt frame for hand quilting, several entire quilt project kits that retail for $40, $50, even up to $80 or $90, sets of completed quilt blocks, unfinished quilt tops. All of this auctions off for mere fractions of their original worth, not even counting the work put into some of these items. You can get some real bargains. 

We ended up with 48 things to auction. I don't know how much money we made over all, but I estimate it was over $1200 and that will help us afford our speakers. Sometimes we get national-level speakers who fly in from around the country. The costs add up in a hurry.  

My Garage Sale Finds

I purchased some of my favorite kinds of things. I got a "grab bag" box of fabrics, a box of assorted threads, and a partially completed kit for a fabric purse in some lovely fall colors. I also bought a number of old magazines (for 25 cents each, woo) to leaf through, then recycle. 

The thread box contained at least 60 spools of various levels of thread, some high quality, some cheap. I got several wooden spools, even. A few spools of Mettler and Sulky thread, even.

The box of fabrics was a real treasure. I found many scraps and large pieces of cotton, mostly. I found three completed points for a "Lone Star" quilt top and much of the fabric to complete it. Wow. I discovered some lace and dozens of skeins of embroidery threads.  Oh, I don't know what I'll do with it, but it sure was fun. 

My Thoughts on Being Programs VP

It's stressful. I worry about the meetings. I worry about the expenses. I worry about missing something and making mistakes. I don't like all the work.  The meetings so far have been very long for me. And clean up after a meeting is a pain; for example, I got "stuck"  with two full size quilt frames left over from the sale. What will we do with them? Right now these behemoths are in my car. They'll probably end up in my garage for a few years.

However, I don't do all the work - my co-VPs do an equal amount of work, if not more. Thus far we've been quite successful; people are signing up for the workshops, and I have not heard many complaints. This job gives me a chance to exercise my organizational skills. Additionally, there are some perq's  - you get to meet the speakers on a more intimate level, you get a few freebies from time to time, you get to set the direction of the lectures for the guild for the next year or so.

I'm ambivalent whether I'll continue this position for more than one year. We'll see how the rest of the year goes....anyway, they may not ask me to continue, after all. 

July

These are the days that I live for. Hot, sunny, occasional rain. The weather this past week was sheer bliss and I was too occupied with sitting outside to write any posts. I have my *chair* outside in which I sit to experience backyard joy. You have to say "chair" with special emphasis, as it is one of my small luxuries. It's merely a lounge chair bought at Wal*Mart last year. Yet, it brings me such pleasure.

I have a little table next to the chair where I sit my drink. Joy.

I'm not totally lazy, though.  The *chair* is a good place to do hand sewing, including my applique project and hand quilting. 

Topic Du Jour

I really wanted to write about a topic I mentioned 3 months ago: what I think my purpose in life really is. 

I am an assistant. I am an excellent "left" hand. I'm a really good supporting actor. 

I have struggled with this until recently. After all, our society never glorifies the support, only the leader. All training in this world is about how to be a leader, how to be number 1. But you know what? Our society would not function without operating room techs, back up singers, violas, and super-talented administrative assistants. 

My ego has been taught to seek number 1.  I function in much greater harmony with life as a second fiddle. Here are some examples:

1. I am a really excellent second clarinet. I am sensitive to the musical line and I have a good ear for tuning and expression. True, you can fill a second clarinet position with a frustrated first clarinet, but will that shade, color, and support the music optimally? Instead you will get a clash of egos.
   
2. I am happier as a nurse where I can assist rather than lead. Although, in my own way, I do lead.  (I don't mind lead-by-example)
3. I dream about being a backup singer. Really.  I don't want to *be*  Allison Krause. I want to harmonize with her. 
4. I'm very good at application of existing ideas/designs/concepts rather than being the i inventor of original ideas.
5. I am good at administrative details, covering all the bases, getting practical things done.  For example, husband wanted to go to Japan for years. It took me to get it done.

Intellectually, I read what I've written and I feel insulted. Why can't I get the glory or number 1? Don't I *deserve* it?

Well, I could, and yes, I do deserve it. It just wouldn't satisfy me. All of my achievements wouldn't be grand enough, or I'd be plagued by self-doubt, worry, and stress.

I think this is one reason why I struggled with the business world of computing. It's a very male model of the hero taking on the problem alone, using only his personal resourcefulness, intellect, and cleverness.  I tried to be this lone warrior but it didn't feed my soul. And, my ideas were hardly revolutionary. 

Heh, although, ironically, I hold a patent for one of my non-revolutionary ideas.

So, instead of the stress and self-doubt, I get lack of recognition, lower pay, and my contributions devalued. There's always a trade off. One thing I've learned in my 40-some years is that I must be true to myself in all I do.

Update after a week

No movement on any front. I called the manager for the research job and decided I'm not ready to give up the fun I'm having on my current job. She was kind to speak with me, though. 

I became a nurse to have a job I enjoy. Sure, sometimes my job is a drag, and my ego pokes in and whispers to me, "you're better than this" or "your talents aren't being used."  The ego may be right at some level, but historically, the places my ego have led me have not provided satisfaction or joy.  

Sewing - low motivation. I hope to finish the prototype of the first of my original design scrub cap today. 

Clarinet - I think it's just going to have to be a hobby. The passion is not there.

Today, the weather is much improved. A front came through last night and the air is drier and a little cooler. I enjoyed a morning of light garden chores outside.

Movies

Last night, we watched the rented movie Miss Potter and it was very sweet. It is a semi biographical account of the life of Beatrix Potter, the English writer and illustrator who wrote such stories as The Tale of Peter Rabbit, the Tale of Squirrel Nutkin (my personal favorite), The Tale of Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle, and more. 

I don't go to many movies, as I'd rather "do" than just sit and be entertained, so I pick my movies very judiciously. This was a treasure. Some other movie treasures I've enjoyed recently were Lars and the Real Girl and The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio. Naturally, I'd recommend them all. 

What next?

It is mid year, and today is the summer solstice.

My new years resolution has not panned out all that well. I had intended to write one thank you note a week to someone. Then, when that failed, I'd hoped to have a more thankful attitude and verbally thank people for their help and support, even little things. Honestly, though, I forgot. 

I can take it back up if I were so moved.  I might. It's a good idea.

I did not start a new major project this year. I had hoped to at the beginning of the year, but no, nothing has materialized. I am pondering a couple of options:

1. Change jobs.
2. Still considering organizing a regional clarinet choir
3. Start a small artisan business making scrub caps.

Scrub caps, you say? Didn't they drive you crazy, making 'em for the fundraiser earlier this year?  Yes... sort of, but making them was also personally rewarding to me. I still get a kick seeing my coworkers wearing them. I am considering selling them on Etsy, the handmade marketplace. I have some ideas for unique designs. Naturally this would not be a way to make a million dollars, more of a way to express creativity.

I've always been better at creative application than original pursuits.

Change jobs.  I don't know about that. Someone mentioned a job opening in the cardiology office doing research. My husband suggests that I investigate, mainly because I have the opportunity to do so - a coworker actually thought of me for a certain position, she though I'd be a good match. My ego responds....

I have considered going to the cath lab for a while, but the stars are not aligned for me to do so. No positions have been open. In fact, one of the people I would personally enjoy working with in the cath lab is considering doing something else. Well, ironically, that would free up a position. Hm. Destiny seems to be directing me towards electrophysiology. The cardiology job is in electrophysiology research. There is an open nursing position in the electrophysiology lab right now. 

*whine* but I don't like the EP doctors as much as the cath lab doctors, and I seem to get along so much better with the cath lab nurses. */whine*

Sounds like a good reason to stay put.

Clarinet choir is the other option. I am not actively playing right now. My motivation for it has diminished. It seems that I need a partner for this to work.

Chances are, I'll probably do nothing. That's OK with me too, at the moment.

A trip to NYC

Funny. I grew up in the suburbs of New York City and moved away. For years I didn't go to New York, or I'd pop in once in a while, when I was visiting my parents, when they still lived up there in Bergen County, NJ. My parents moved. I got married (so visiting my male friend from college in NYC just didn't seem appropriate any more). No more New York.

Over the past 2 years I've gone 3 times as a tourist, staying in midtown Manhattan. I do so love that city. There's always something to see or do. 

The main purpose of the trip was to see a Japanese Anime exhibit and movie screening at the Japan Society of New York. 

While in Nw York, we enjoyed two theater productions (one on Broadway, one off Broadway), did some touristy things, saw a quilt exhibit at the American Folk Art Museum, and, as always, ate well. 

I had read about a lovely vegan place called Candle 79 in my Budget Travel magazine, so we decided to check it out. We discovered marvelous gourmet vegan food. So, so good! Thanks for the recommendation! For another meal, we ate at a French place near the hotel; and it was good enough to go back for breakfast the next day. We had the requisite New York City salted pretzel from a street vendor. We had adequate Italian food before one of the shows. 

On Saturday afternoon, I enjoyed guerrilla shopping at Century 21 downtown, and emerged with two designer purses.  I am not a huge "purse" person, but everyone had such stylish bags in New York City, I got swept up. I nabbed a $150 Tignanello for $90 in a pretty cafe-au-lait color, and a Kathy van Zeeland "Croc-n-Roll" in sky blue for $44. Both of the styles seem to be last years or something....no worries for me. In Kansas City they will look new and edgy!

The quilt exhibit was called Kaleidoscope Quilts by Paula Nadelstern, showcasing her unique fabric art style featuring meticulously pieced circular designs. Technically, they aren't circles, rather hexagons and octagons and decagons, like kaleidoscopes. Fascinating to look at but way too much work for a goof like me. I picked up a roll of 4 fat quarters of her designer fabric at the museum gift shop; good quality cotton with intriguing patterns. It should be delightful for applique - "like buttuh."

I have found that I need a trip or break in the routine about every 6 weeks. Otherwise, my OCD starts to make me miserable - caught up in my repetitive routine, spinning my wheels.  This was a nice break. Looking forward to the next one in July.

Bee day

Quilt bee's coming over soon. I really like my bee because  it give me a chance to get to know a few people well, and I work on my projects with others. We chit chat, we talk about our projects, maybe toss in a little gossip, plan for future meetings, share advice on everything from border colors to career moves. 

Having them over forces me to clean up the house. I both hate and love this. Obviously, I hate it because it's housecleaning - not only do I straighten up, but I vacuum, clean the bathroom, dust, and hope the place doesn't smell like dog.  I love it because it forces me to clean and I sure like having a neater house. I burn a few candles to mask the "Essence de Hound" and to make a nice girl atmosphere.

Another reason I like it is that I get to make dainty little girly snacks. Today, I made three little appetizers: plain Triscuits topped with fresh mozzarella, a basil leaf, and a slice of grape tomato; Wheat Thins topped with cream cheese and a bit of strawberry; Rosemary Olive Oil Triscuits topped with havarti cheese and a snip of chives. Basil and chives from my garden!  Women love this kind of thing.

Four people are planning to come....such a nice group. We all need girlfriends...

The Petal Play Workshop

Tuesday was quilt guild day. We had a national speaker, Joan Shay of Petal Play.  She developed a dimensional fabric technique that makes sculpture-like effects on quilts. So entrancing are her designs that she built it into a little business. She is a delightful speaker who captivated our group. That afternoon, we had a workshop in which we learned how to make the Hydrangea wall hanging. The workshop was a lot of fun - not much sewing, but we did cutting, ironing, glueing, beading, talking, sharing, and learning. 

If your guild is going to have her as a speaker, you're in for a treat. She's fun, energetic, friendly, and witty.  Her quilts are amazing to see, if you have a trunk show; pictures don't really capture their appeal.

It's always fun to learn something new; it stretches your brain. I have thought of several ways I can apply this technique already! It's fast - I completed the petals for the hydrangea on the pattern in about 2 hours total.

June!

Well, I never finished that previous post.  Guess I'll come back to it later.

Finally, finally, it is warm....nay, hot. Thank goodness. I love the heat.

I got cancelled at work again today. I've worked hours the last few weeks, but that's OK with me. In fact, this is the life I wanted when I made the switch to nursing. I don't mind being called out, so long as I keep my benefits. I like my job. I just like free time more.

This weekend was the Heart Walk, which was fun, and now I am "done" with the scrub caps.  (Making and selling scrub caps was our unit's fundraiser. Guess who made most of the caps?) I put the word "done" in quotes because Friday was the absolute last day I would take orders, and then I got two more orders from the Electrophysiology (EP) lab. That's it.

One EP nurse tried to get me to make her a new cap with a modified pattern, after I had already made her a cap. She got her cap, and decided it was too small for her head. I had modified the pattern in one way for the big-head people; I offered to make her one following that modified pattern. Then she asked if I could make a larger head band. Oy! For heaven's sake! I thought I was being accommodating by offering to re-make her hat! That wasn't enough. She finally said, forget it.

I felt bad about refusing her...but not bad enough to redesign, sew, and probably have her unsatisfied again. I need to be done with this project.

Yard work, sewing, prep for guild meeting all done this weekend. It was busy. I am glad I have another day off to finish a few more tasks. (I almost typed "all my tasks" but, God knows, I won't be able to complete everything.  Never done.)

Happy June!

Some thoughts on Sewing

As you know, I like to sew. Most crafts have a skill set, then you mix in personal experience to become more of an artist at the craft. I would like to ponder on a few of my experiences.

1. Finished seams are a mark of good craftsmanship. 
2. I like stitch 21 on my Pfaff 2046 Quilt Expression machine as a seam finishing overlock stitch for cotton fabric. . As I was searching for a picture of this stitch, I noticed that Pfaff calls this a "light knit patching stitch."  I like it as a seam finish for cotton because it doesn't bunch up the seam much at all, and it looks a little like serging.
   

   Stitch 21

   
   
   
3. (Oh, I have to finish this later...)

Applique

"Posies" block

I picked up my Aunt Millie's Garden project recently. I have nearly finished the first block, and now I'm working on the second block. I gave each block a name. First is called "posies." Second I'm calling "Iris." (see below) How do you like the red background? I debated whether to use red as the pattern does, or change to black or even navy blue. Red won in the end; I like red, and it's quite different from my usual style. It adds drama.

I'm seeing my applique evolve with practice, yes I'm getting better at it. The process is even more magical when the curves are even and smooth.

I have chosen a "scrappy" approach to the applique, using a variety of fabrics in each block. However, I'm trying to use similar styles of fabrics, sticking with colorful contemporary prints for the applique. A thirties reproduction would stand out like a sore thumb. I don't have a lot of contemporary prints, though. Darn, I have to buy more fabric....

I found some nice ones at the quilt show last week.

Although I could go buy more fabric, being forced to use my stash encourages creativity.  

Interestingly, taking pictures of my work gives a new view of the blocks. Fabrics that look out of place or too bold when I first consider them actually add visual interest. Lesson learned.

Iris block

Close up of Iris Applique

The Quilt Show

There was an international quilt show in my town this week. I went yesterday to view the quilts and shop, shop, shop.

The quilt show, Machine Quilter's Showcase 2009 "Fire and Ice", had a focus on long arm quilting. I have done some machine quilting on my home machine, but it appears so much easier with the long arm. The quilt is wound around two rolls and the long arm machine is manipulated on the stretched "window" of the quilt. These machines are massive and you need a whole room for them. Think about it. The working area is the entire width of the quilt.

Massive machine, massive price. I think you can get one of the smaller machines for maybe $4000-$5000.

They even have computer guided quilting machines for the home. Program or upload the quilt pattern you want, load the quilt, and let it go. It's beautifully precise. I wonder where the fun is in that, though.

I did not take any classes at the convention, but I went today to see the exhibits and shop vendors mall. I spent 4 hours there and had buckets of fun. I should have invited a friend along...didn't think of calling anyone til last minute. I ran into almost my entire quilt guild there, anyway.

The level of craftmanship on these quilts is way above my skill. Just stunning. It was hard to pick a favorite (for viewers choice) and I wasn't even going to vote; yet, there was one that took my breath away. It was called "Lollapalooza" and it was a whole-cloth art quilt embellished with ink dyed patterns. I simply had to vote for it.

I wonder if it won? Probably not. I have nonconforming tastes.

Then I shopped. The treasure of the day: I actually found a Fasturn system! (Thanks to Gadgets Galore...free plug!!) It's a tool for turning narrow fabric tubes. Extremely well designed and works like a charm. I love sewing notions, anyway, and since I'd borrowed this tool for my work on the scrub caps, I knew I 'needed' one. So excited to find one, snapped it right up! They're not easy to track down.

I also bought many fat quarters, a new project for embellished tea towels (from Vogies Quilts and Treasures, another plug) that was just too cute to resist, a set of tiny boxes for beads, and some Bobbin Buddies to clamp on unused bobbins and keep the stray threads in check.

*Sigh.* I love this hobby.

Smug self importance

Heh. I was scrapbooking before it was the new, trendy thing.

In middle school or early high school, my girlfriend found out she would be moving across the country. Our little group of friends got together and made her a scrapbook of memories from her life in New Jersey. I took pictures of teachers, friends, places. We bought a paper scrapbook and placed the photos inside. We drew pictures to embellish the pages.

I remember one page where I drew a giant ice cream cone along the margin of the page, coloring each scoop of ice cream in a realistic color. Another page had a hand-drawn border of a little vine with leaves and tiny flowers. Pretty creative, eh?

I have lost track of that friend, Valerie Edwards. I wonder if she treasures that book or if it's packed away, forgotten. To me, it seems like a special gift - pictures from a time and age where you didn't really keep track of these seemingly mundane things. It would be fun to see that scrapbook again.

Scrapbooking

I have begun the process to create a scrapbook of the pictures from our trip to Japan last October.

I have a love-hate relationship with scrapbooking. I like the results. I like neatness and organization of a scrapbook, rather than photos and mementos thrown lovingly but carelessly in a box somewhere. It's a creative activity and there are, oh, so many pretty shiny toys, gadgets, and tools you can use!

Or, should I say "buy."

Scrapbook pages are pretty. Colorful! And you get to do all those things we used to do in grade school art class - cut with scissors, glue, glue on mixed media elements, etc.

For the other side of the love-hate seesaw - I dislike how many gadgets you "need" to do a nice scrapbook. It's overwhelming! Since I don't have much experience with scrapbooking, I don't have clear vision for how to build the scrapbook. This means I don't know what tools, papers, glues, tapes, or embellishments I really need. I don't know what all is out there, and I don't know how to incorporate these elements into designs.

Worst of all, scrapbooking seems to stimulate obsessive compulsive in me. I try so hard not to fall into the pit of OCD, but scrapbooking seems to be my Scylla and Charybdis. Last week, I went to Michael's or Joann's every day I was off....at least once.

I went into the local Hobby Lobby earlier this week, and I swear I got light-headed browsing the 7 aisles of supplies.

Oh, and they don't play fair....sales; 40% off coupons; pretty displays; Martha Stewart's there too. In the face of such temptation when I have a legitimate project, I am weak.

In this project I've given in somewhat. I've bought "cardstock." I have about 8 pens. Just last week, I purchased - get this - brads. I found a book on scrapbooking called (Scrapbooking Made Easy). Easy; I like that. And, indeed, the book has provided ideas for focusing the scrapbook effectively, using color wisely, and using embellishments without having the page look like the trim section at Joann's threw up all over the page.

Believe it or not, more is not always better.

Once I went to a presentation on scrapbooking and I was liberated to learn that attractive pages are possible without having fancy cutters, pens, or embellishment. I have tried to follow that principle. I don't really need to get immersed in another hobby - quilting and sewing is plenty!!

The other frustration I have with scrapbooking is how long it takes. I have been working on this scrapbook for 3 weeks now, and I'm building the scrapbook in chronological order. I am up to day 4 of our 14 day trip.

Sigh. It's gonna take a while.

My attitude is this: who cares. I want a scrapbook, I don't care how long it takes to make it, or how huge the books become, or how many pictures will be in it. A trip such as this is a perfect reason to build one. Just so long as the OCD keeps in check. Lord, I can't start calling in "sick" to work so I can scrapbook!!

April 30

I can't believe it has been 17 days since I last posted. A number of things have happened I would like to talk about two of them. An unexpected day off from work frees me to write.

Scrub Caps

I am *still* sewing scrub caps. It is incredible how well they have sold; we have learned that they sold much better as direct orders achieved through personal interaction than in an open sale. Hopefully this is my last batch of five to sew. I am finally getting tired of making them. I still enjoy seeing people wearing my caps, though!

We had two dates where we had a table outside the cafeteria at work to sell the caps. L, another nurse, wanted to have a bake sale in addition to the cap sale. It was less-well-organized than my cap sales, but it did well. People always want to pick up a goodie after grabbing their lunches.  From bake sale items we made about $450 over the 2 days.  I can't believe that.

The caps were poorly displayed at the sale- just in a pile and no one was wearing them. No wonder they didn't sell very well.

I was a bit disappointed with the amateur appearance of the table and the display of our items. I had delegated that task, so I'm not going to criticize. I think if we had a nicer display we could have sold much more hats. I am also concerned about the image of our unit. The table did not look polished and professional.

Visiting the parents

I took a few days off last week and went to Virginia to visit my parents. I took the opportunity to visit with a good friend who lives near my parents. Seeing G was fun. Visiting the parents....not so much. My aunt and uncle live in the area, to, and I got to see them for lunch one day. Nice, because I hadn't seen them in a few years.

My current impression on the aging process is that it happens to everyone else, but not you. By this, I mean that you, yourself, do not think of yourself as old, despite all the evidence to the contrary. For example, my 73 year old aunt commented on how aggressive some of the "old people" are in the grocery store on senior citizen day. Ironically, I remember her laughing at my grandmother for not wanting to associate with the "old people" at her retirement home.

You may shoot me when I am over 65 and say such a thing.

At this visit, I saw decline. Mom has not changed a whole lot, but her immobility is not improving. She can hardly lift her leg into the car. Dad has declined: he walks with a shuffle now. His short term memory is getting worse. His balance is not so good. His driving is getting even scarier. He is getting angry about it, too....he wasn't mean to me, but my mother had intimated that he yells at times.

They have done one thing right. They have planned there estate and they have done it well. Thank God.

Which makes me want to write my feelings on their planned estate. It is all very logical how they have set up things. My older sister is the primary executor. Then me, then my brother. My brother and his wife have been getting extra money from my parents to assist with the raising of their child. This is the only grandchild, so it make sense. And it is their money, they can do what they wish with it.

I am the afterthought. I'm the backup plan. I'm the also-ran.

It has been this way all my life. Despite the fact that I cultivate a relationship with them, maintain it, and actively pursue it, I still feel like I'm the extra one. I'm not the smartest, or the richest, or the most desired, or the one with the most education, or the one who reproduced. I'm the nice-to-have.

This feeling pains me greatly. I struggle with it partially because my parents are both second children themselves - especially my mother complains along similar lines in how she was treated in her family. Yet, they did it themselves.

Yet, here I am, 43 years old - shouldn't I be "over" this already???? I am not, and I doubt I ever will be. I have learned to live with it, and so I will continue. My life is mine, not theirs.

I just wish they wouldn't bring it up. Going over the estate plans and documents thrust the situation in my face. No, I did not like being reminded just where it is I fit in this family. On paper. Formally. Notarized. Oh, for God's sake, stop already.

Oh well, enough complaining. I have more to write, but I'm getting tired of writing for now.

Hats, hats, hats

Me and my bright ideas....

I am working on a fund raiser that I organized to make scrub caps for OR personnel at the hospital. It's our unit's fund raiser for the 2009 Heart Walk on May 30.

I thought it would be nice to make about 50 caps, sell a few to our colleagues in the cath lab and EP lab, have a sales table by the cafeteria to sell the rest.

These crazy things are flying out as fast as I can make them!  

There are only 2 sewers: myself and another nurse. The caps come in 2 styles: skull cap and bouffant type. The girls tend to like the bouffants; the boys like the skull caps. 

We make them in fabric for the University we are affiliated with, fun prints, a few solid colors, and a few special orders (e.g. the LA Lakers - and we're in the midwest!).

We've sold 49 so far. Now we're trying to build some inventory for the sale. I must have made a good 30 caps by now. Guess what I'm doing on my day off tomorrow?

Really, though, it's terrific. We ought to make upwards of $700 for the American Heart Association.  It has been a great idea!

What the project truly needed, however, was a committed, organized leader. I am that person, not just half of the production committee. I am getting some personal satisfaction from seeing my handiwork worn in the labs. Way cool.

Holy Week

Holy week starts tomorrow.  This is the week of Christ's crucifixion, death, burial and resurrection. Now, I am not a Bible scholar, but as is my tradition as a Presbyterian, I will think and analyze this story.

This story is sad. It shows how, though a number of circumstances, an otherwise innocent guy was killed by his own society. The "stupid" part of the story is how many opportunities there were for the situation to end differently. 

Judas didn't have to betray him....and the Bible doesn't really clarify why Judas was motivated to do it.  Over the centuries, it has been interpreted as Judas being evil, the embodiment of the devil. I'm not so sure...

Jesus could have said something that makes Pilate release him. Pilate didn't seem to want to convict him, really. When you read the scripture, it sounds like Pilate kept looking for an excuse to set him free. He even asked the people what they wanted him to do and they made the decision. Since when are crowd decisions good ones?  Weren't these the same people who cheered his arrival to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday?

Someone could have taken him down from the cross. Not like they had impermeable security systems at that time...

Anyway, the story ends as we (Christians) have been taught - Jesus gets convicted, he is put to death, then he is resurrected to the spiritual realm.  

Here is the puzzlement: it doesn't seem like we got enough of Christ's teachings, so why would he go away after such a short ministry? Secondly, if our God is a God of love and forgiveness, why is He still requiring a blood sacrifice? Did this course of action change God, such that we can be reconciled to Him? How can THAT be, if God is eternal, omnipotent, and transcendent of time?

The Presbyterian tradition (and perhaps many reform traditions?) "explains" the course of this story as it being God's will, and that it was somehow necessary for the reconciliation between God and human. OK, I kind-of understand that.  If this sequence of actions all have a spiritual purpose, then the betrayal of Jesus by Judas was the action of the betrayer role. Under this assumption, Judas sacrificed himself to history, to be named the reviled one by the generations. Imagine that.

The concept of blood sacrifice, though, bothers me. We don't really do that any more to appease our "gods."  Seems like sacrifice is a human concept that we have progressed beyond.

...or have we? Instead of sacrificing animals any more, we sacrifice ourselves when we are troubled, like anorexia, bulimia, cutting, gang violence, domestic violence etc. It seems to be a flaw in our human natures that sacrifice resolves some conflict. I don't know why that is, but it just is. 

But I digress. 

Sometimes, I don't know why I follow a faith and believe all of this stuff. It does not make sense logically. Yet, I have faith and I seek peace with the dichotomy between faith and logic. Belief in God gives me a better life. Living for God gives me purpose. Knowing that I am reconciled to God gives me comfort and empowers me, even if I don't understand all of it. I am comfortable with the argument that my brain is too limited and small to understand why these things are necessary and important. I am not so arrogant to think that my single, puny human consciousness is powerful enough to comprehend the mysteries of the universe. 

Hallelujah anyway. He is risen indeed.

Happy Thoughts

Here is a little self-important post.  Designed to make me think of things I like.

Some things I like that are not my major passions:

• Twizzler's candy
• Diet Coke
• Rich colors
• Tulips, Lilacs, Snow drops, Peonies
• Reading the newspaper in the morning, particularly the Sunday paper 
• Asparagus
• Massages
• Pedicures
• Shopping in second hand stores
• Learning new things
• Bowling
• Planting a vegetable garden
• Neat and organized (you'd never know this looking at my house)
• Napping
• New York City
• Jigsaw puzzles
• Beautiful potted plants and hanging baskets of flowers

I am having trouble coming up with things to write about, so I tried this list. I think it is good discipline to write even though I don't have a passionate subject. This exercise got my mind in motion.  Here are some potential topics...I hope I remember to look back here:

• My thoughts on Christ's passion and crucifixion
• What I think my role in this world may really be
• Music lessons
• What I worry about

Certainly there's more....but dinner is done baking, I must get on to practical things.