The Pit....in August?

The Pit - the name of my depression. It is unusual for me to be in the Pit in summer. Why?

Clearly the sentinel event was that I was declined for a cath lab interview. The situation is intensified by the fact that I get to see the people they are interviewing as they show them our unit. Isn't that just swell?

I have been thinking of why this is bothering me so much. I mean, after all, I was rather luke warm about applying because of the on-call demands of the position. Obviously it touched a nerve. My conclusion is this: I do not like to be told I'm inadequate.

Yeah, sure, who doesn't?

It's something I struggle with, as my previous blogging suggests. It hurts because I've tried again and again to be everything and to be above question. Dammit, I cross all my T's and dot all my I's. Why am I not enough?

Seriously, though, I am as inadequate as anyone else. Similarly, I am as competant as anyone else. In this case, I simply do not have what they are looking for. What's wrong with that? Nothing, really.

As usual, the only way I can come to terms with this is to focus on me. It comes down to what I want. There is a clear path to get there, which is to spend at least 2 years in an intensive care unit and get that experience. I'll probably need a Master's degree too if I want to progress beyond that. I work at an academic hospital. They place great value on certifications, qualifications, and degrees.

I am protesting because I just don't want to do it. Yeah, I could - it's not a matter of feeling like I "can't" or "couldn't." Certainly I could. I must determine if that goal is worth a large cost of my time, effort, free time, emotional energy, and money. I also need to think what if they change the criteria, or they don't have a position for me, or they find some other reason not to hire me even after I do all those things.

I want to keep working on my quilts and crafts, dammit. I want to stay with the symphony. I don't want to give that up yet to go to classes, take tests, work weekends, and screw up, and take more tests. I did it once, when I went to nursing school in 2004, and it was friggin' hard. Need I do it again?

I don't know what to do next. I don't know. For now, status quo.


Another reason for the Pit is the weather. It has been gray, cool and rainy for the past several days.

What a shitty summer, weather wise. I don't think we broke 100 degrees even once.

*sigh* I need to post on my quilting instead. Much happier topic, no doubt.