The Middle Kingdom

I feel like I'm in between right now.

In between what, and what? It is not clear to me. Here's what is going on:

Work:
I recently changed work schedules for an experiment at work. My supervisor wanted to try having another early AM nurse to see if we could have more patients ready for their procedures earlier. The goal is to allow the doctors to get started earlier. So maybe they can finish their days earlier and stop having to pay so much overtime and late-hour differentials to the lab staff.

Aside: Why the labs' overtime is our responsibility, I don't know. Why do we have to adjust our work because they can't get through their schedules efficiently? Nevertheless, our manager has decided that we should make an impact.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been working four 10-hour shifts, 6:00a to 4:30p. Now, halfway thorough the experiment, I am not sure if I like it. I do like getting out of work when it is still daylight. I think I will like the increased money in each paycheck (working 40 hours instead of 36, and any overtime is *real* overtime). I like feeling that I'm making a difference in the success of my unit. I like the idea that I could have my evenings free, such that I get things done after work - I'm not so wiped out at the end of the day that I sit comatose in front of the TV until I go to bed. I like eating dinner at a normal time.

I don't like getting up so early. I miss my yoga in the mornings. I don't like having to do 12 hours of work in 10 hours time. I don't like getting a majority of admissions in my assignments (admitting patients takes more work). I don't like being looked upon as a slacker for leaving "early." I don't like working 4 days a week.

I don't like the pressure to adopt this schedule permanently. Technically I haven't been asked to do so, yet, though.

My husband likes seeing me more often.

I wonder if it's time for a new job?

Church:

Again, it is Sunday, and again, I don't want to go to church. I also don't want to sing with the Praise Team any more. Why?

1. Praise Team is boring. We sing the same old music over and over again. This is because we can't learn new music. Why? I think it is because our members can't read music, they don't seem to have an interest in learning something new, and because the director is a busy person who doesn't have the time or energy to push us to do something different or better.
2. Praise team members love to chit chat about their kids in school. Several of the members are teachers, and all (but one) of them have school-age kids. I don't have kids. I don't work in the schools. I feel left out.
3. The preaching is rather dull right now. Our pastor is retiring soon and I think he's running out of steam. I'm tired of sermons on Abraham and Sarah. Or Isaac. C'mon. Make me think.
4. I don't have a support group in church. It takes about 4 weeks of absences for someone to notice I'm not there. Now.... I can't put too much importance in this excuse, since to expect that of my church is to overestimate my significance there. I don't join small groups, so I don't have anyone to miss me. As I've said before, I go to church for me, not because they want me there. This side effect is entirely my own doing.
5. I'm feeling like I don't have enough time to myself with the increase in work hours and my recent commitments in the Wind Symphony. I want those 2-3 hours for me. Like, right now...I'm posting during church time.

Personally, I think it's OK to be away for a while. I really wish I could be devoted all the time. It just isn't that way with me. No need to feel all guilty about it.

Heh. Apparently I am feeling guilty. I'm confessing it right now, aren't I?

Hobbies / Sewing:

I thought up a brand name for my "company." I am trying to make some inventory. I hope to launch in the near future. Maybe for my birthday!

I have decided again that this VP job (in the quilt guild) is not for me. I cannot do it for another year. It's too stressful for me.

What I want to do:

All I want to do is follow my creative pursuits - sewing, knitting, learning Japanese, clarinet, cooking (mmm, I made some delicious Chinese stir fry bean thread noodles with veggies last night).

I am in between the tension of what I have to do, what I should do, what I want to do, and the larger goals I have for my life.