July

These are the days that I live for. Hot, sunny, occasional rain. The weather this past week was sheer bliss and I was too occupied with sitting outside to write any posts. I have my *chair* outside in which I sit to experience backyard joy. You have to say "chair" with special emphasis, as it is one of my small luxuries. It's merely a lounge chair bought at Wal*Mart last year. Yet, it brings me such pleasure.

I have a little table next to the chair where I sit my drink. Joy.

I'm not totally lazy, though.  The *chair* is a good place to do hand sewing, including my applique project and hand quilting. 

Topic Du Jour

I really wanted to write about a topic I mentioned 3 months ago: what I think my purpose in life really is. 

I am an assistant. I am an excellent "left" hand. I'm a really good supporting actor. 

I have struggled with this until recently. After all, our society never glorifies the support, only the leader. All training in this world is about how to be a leader, how to be number 1. But you know what? Our society would not function without operating room techs, back up singers, violas, and super-talented administrative assistants. 

My ego has been taught to seek number 1.  I function in much greater harmony with life as a second fiddle. Here are some examples:

1. I am a really excellent second clarinet. I am sensitive to the musical line and I have a good ear for tuning and expression. True, you can fill a second clarinet position with a frustrated first clarinet, but will that shade, color, and support the music optimally? Instead you will get a clash of egos.
   
2. I am happier as a nurse where I can assist rather than lead. Although, in my own way, I do lead.  (I don't mind lead-by-example)
3. I dream about being a backup singer. Really.  I don't want to *be*  Allison Krause. I want to harmonize with her. 
4. I'm very good at application of existing ideas/designs/concepts rather than being the i inventor of original ideas.
5. I am good at administrative details, covering all the bases, getting practical things done.  For example, husband wanted to go to Japan for years. It took me to get it done.

Intellectually, I read what I've written and I feel insulted. Why can't I get the glory or number 1? Don't I *deserve* it?

Well, I could, and yes, I do deserve it. It just wouldn't satisfy me. All of my achievements wouldn't be grand enough, or I'd be plagued by self-doubt, worry, and stress.

I think this is one reason why I struggled with the business world of computing. It's a very male model of the hero taking on the problem alone, using only his personal resourcefulness, intellect, and cleverness.  I tried to be this lone warrior but it didn't feed my soul. And, my ideas were hardly revolutionary. 

Heh, although, ironically, I hold a patent for one of my non-revolutionary ideas.

So, instead of the stress and self-doubt, I get lack of recognition, lower pay, and my contributions devalued. There's always a trade off. One thing I've learned in my 40-some years is that I must be true to myself in all I do.