Hurt by Life

I have re read When Bad Things Happen to Good People. After 9/11 in the United States, this book helped me come to grips with the senselessness of the terrorist attack and the death of so many innocent people. It did help.

This time, I picked it up because someone I work with was shot and killed in the parking lot of one of the buildings where I work. He was a good guy and didn't deserve this. His family didn't deserve to lose a Dad, husband, and son. Worse yet, his brother killed him and then completed the theme of our time: the murder-suicide.  The family had (and still has to) deal with losing two sons.  My coworker was in his early 50s and he and his wife had recently adopted a child from China. He was a stable, upstanding, smart and clever person

In this situation, I don't know what our society could have done differently. The brother had a known history of mental illness and until recently, he had fairly successfully managed it. Then, for some reason, he stopped taking his medications. He started making threats.

The family engaged the police and got restraining orders. My coworker alerted his team to keep an eye out for a stranger in the parking lot.  But in a situation like this, in our free society there's only so much you can do: the brother was able to get a gun, he identified a vulnerable time to stalk his victim in the parking lot (early morning), and he was determined to kill my coworker. He found a way, and he did it.

A great loss. Greater than I can even know.

I did not work closely with the victim so I am dealing with it fairly well. At least one person who worked in partnership with him has had a very difficult time.

Now, I feel like I need to re-re-read the book. I find myself in a difficult season of life, and I don't know how far I am through it or how deep it is - will it get worse? Will it be over soon or years from now?

While I was working the hospital unit, like most nurses, I developed a perspective or a philosophy about life and the human condition. Life here is really hard. We all do the best we can with the tools we have and sometimes things get all twisted and confused.


My 16-year-old niece is pregnant. I just found out last night.

Now, usually, I'm rather casual about these things. It happens all the time and nowadays, in certain social groups, this is pretty normal. In fact, it's almost expected. You get pregnant in high school, have your child, your parents raise it with you and help support you while you work a low-paying job and go to community college. Then you get married and create a blended family, and have a few more kids. Then you divorce and start the divorce-remarry-blended family cycle. Blah blah blah.

stock photo: not my niece!

You have dramatic, engaging stories to tell with you as the hero (or the victim) later in life. "Oh, woe is me," or "if only I'd known then what I know now!!" And you swear...you swear!... you want better for your kids!

Then your kids do the same thing, because really... this is all "OK." Since it's so normal today, there aren't social consequences in the same way they were 40 years ago. It doesn't ruin your life...it makes your life unnecessarily difficult, but we have changed our society to accept it, sometimes begrudgingly.  In fact, those who judge or reject girls with babies are uncool, old fashioned, and definitely the minority. For those who do not think it's OK, the best we can do today is begrudgingly accept it.

I mean, the pregnant teenager meme all over TV, media, and movies. Pregnancy brings so many exciting things! Presents! Attention of my friends and family! Drama! Excuses! See how excited everyone gets when a duchess or a movie star becomes pregnant! Why wouldn't young people think this is a good way to conduct their lives?

Sigh.

Abortion is socially just not an option these days. ...well-played, far right conservatives. It took 40 years, but yes, well-played.

I don't know what to do, if anything. I would like to communicate with her that I don't condone what has happened and I don't know how to do that from a distance. I don't want to cut her off, really, since our family is small.

I want to reach out to my brother and sister in law, but I don't know how. I really feel for them. They try so hard.... but something didn't work as intended. Nobody knows why - they are good people and they try to do the right thing. Yet, just like me, they are human with faults and flaws, confusion and misdirections. They have been hurt by life, too - here, now and in the past. This all factors in.

I don't want this to devastate them. I fear it could collapse their marriage.

Would it be too preachy to send them a copy of this book?  Should I leave them alone because they don't need one more person to be all up in their business? Crap, I don't know.

Harold Kushner says that showing up and being-with is one of the most compassionate things we can do. Maybe that's where I start.

Argh!

Every time I bring out my serger, I break it. I finally had a nice little project to use it on - making polar fleece caps for church for donation. I can even use up my extra polar fleece pieces!

It took about 45 minutes to change the thread and get the tension set right to make a nice stitch. I was feeling pretty good about it. I figured out what was wrong with the stitch and adjusted it. Hey, I think I'm getting it!

And then,

A dang pin got too close, got stuck under the blade, and now the serger is making funny noises and won't stitch at all. I think I either broke a gear or stretched a belt.

I swear. Maybe I'm not destined to make projects with a serger. This is ridiculous!

Off to the Bernina store again.

Trixie

Now that we've had Trixie for about a month, she's settling in to our routine. I have seen her stand next to purebred dachshunds. She's not a purebred dachshund. Her head is too round, eyes to round, snout too perky. My current theory is that she's a Chiweenie - chihuahua/dachshund mix. She and Winnie are getting along well and they enjoy one or two wrestling sessions a day.

Trixie hasn't quite figured out the connection to peeing and pooping and the door. She's a sneaky little dog, so we haven't been able to catch her in the act. Catching them as they are eliminating usually teaches them the best - they know exactly what you're upset about, and hopefully you can establish new associations with the outdoors.

She likes to ride in the car, but she is a menace to drive with. She wants to be in your lap while you drive with her front paws resting on your left arm to steady her as she looks out the driver's window. Yeah, no, that is not going to work. We will probably try to find her a booster seat that will confine her, yet let her look out the window. We put are smaller crate in the cargo area of  the car for her to travel in and her whining was just so pathetic.

It is so fun to have a new, adorable, and playful pup for a change.

The Circle of Life

Today is the Thoughtful Quilter's 5th anniversary. Five Years! I'm a senior citizen in the blogging world!

Life sometimes gets in the way when you're busy making other plans. My father's situation is worse and I have had to focus energy on taking over. I became involved in a political campaign for a candidate for House of Representatives in Kansas (state level) and I built a website for him. I maintain a Facebook page for the campaign also. I led a project to grow vegetables in a community garden 100% donated to a local food pantry for local hungry people.

I posted about Riley. Through all of this I've suffered many a day with uncomfortable and maddening perimenopause symptoms.

It's not all bad....I attended a 1-day workshop with Denyse Schmidt, a nationally known art quilter. I took a mini vacation in southern Kansas and southwest Missouri, seeing national parks and Laura Ingalls Wilder sites. We got a new car! It's a 2012 Prius with all kinds of bells and whistles...and Lord Almighty, it's red!

Starting New

What a gift to start something new, to begin. I appreciate having something to be excited about. And here she is!

Introducing Trixie! She's our new pup - she's a mini dachshund (possibly purebred) adopted from the Great Plains SPCA. She has some issues so they kept her separate from the other dogs - that's why she wasn't adopted right away. Little dogs tend to find homes fast, they say. She had been at the shelter for about 1 month.

She's slowly coming out of her shell and I think this week she finally decided we're OK. She is about 18 months old. She likes to play and snuggle and give kisses. And she's tiny - maybe 10 pounds! I wanted a little dog again, but this is really, really tiny.

She and Winnie are working out their relationship. I don't think there will be a fight, and I hope not, because Winnie could really hurt Trixie if she wanted to. They have started to play in the house and there's a lot of nipping and play biting.

Trixie has been very shy, especially around my husband. She finds refuge in her crate and she's perfectly content to stay in the crate all day. We think she must have been a puppy mill dog - she has had puppies at least once.

We are looking for a school for basic obedience for her. Taking your dog to obedience school is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your dog. You learn how to be a leader for your dog and the dog learns some basic commands that boosts his or her confidence. The dog learns how to please its leader and that's very important to a dog.  Honestly, we could probably skip it because we've been to puppy school three times with our previous dogs. We know how to train and be a leader. But I still recommend it - it's a bonding experience with your dog.

And who knows? You might learn something new!

Trixie is the dog for me now. I need tender and sweet and loving at this stage in my life. The world is so harsh and I'm marching steadily towards the second half of life (my 47th birthday is days away - Oy vey!!). The phase of loss. The phase of reconciliation. Of coming to terms with potential not realized.

Many people my age cope by their children (getting married, achieving, identifying with their health and vigor, etc.) or their grandchildren (new life, wonder, tenderness, and hope), but that is not an option for me.

These are some of the secrets of older people - learning to live with loss and becoming so much more sensitive to the small but truly important things in life.

Back in the Pit

I am in the Pit.

This time, I have reason. We had to put Riley down last week. His seizures got much worse and it was time. We made the decision quickly after two nights of consecutive seizures in which he got hurt from the violent spasms. He banged up against his crate enough to bloody his nose and gums.

I don't have regrets. He was mostly gone, anyway - a mere shadow of his personality. He had a good life with people who loved him, who invested time and money into him,.

He came with us from North Carolina to Kansas when we moved. He was a companion/visiting dog for a little while. He liked to have a job and was so proud whenever he had his saddle bags strapped on, meaning he had work to do. He was a fierce protector. He loved a ride in the car and would grin merrily in the car the whole way, wherever we were going. He knew how to "sing" and he learned how to beg, how to lie down, how to "grovel," and how to "pray."  At times, he looked like a little teddy bear with his fluffy head and perked up ears.

It's just so sad. But nothing is forever and we have no choice but to accept.

The Downside of Pet Ownership

Riley, my 13 year old pup, is ill. He has a brain tumor and has been having seizures for about 6-7 weeks. After the first one, it became a once-a-day event, in the evening, whenever he went outside. We controlled it by not letting him outside after 7:30pm.

Now the seizures happen in the mornings when we let him outside, and we can't avoid letting him out then. After a night in the crate, he has to go out to pee. So, he has his seizure then he recovers. I make sure he doesn't hurt himself, or make too much of a mess, and I pet his writhing body, soothing him and telling him to breathe. He probably doesn't even know I'm there. The seizure ends, and he emerges, stunned and confused. It takes a while to recover completely, and as he recovers, he is little manic and he's voraciously hungry and thirsty. 

Some strange behaviors have started. He bit me one morning this week, and I'm certain he didn't know what he was doing at the time. He was in his manic phase, looking for something to eat and he was tasting everything nearby, just in case it was food. My big toe must have looked like a piece of food on the floor, so he went for it. 

Didn't break my skin, but it was a painful pinch.

Another new behavior is that he's howling. He only ever rarely howled throughout his life. Now, he points his nose up in the air, purses his lips, and lets out a soft, low "Ooooooooh."  He looks adorable in the coyote pose...but it's troubling. The tumor is probably stimulating his ancient wolf brain, and he feels the urge to call the pack.  Is he lonely? Is he hurting or frightened? Does he even know why he does it?  It's a mystery.

I hope he's not in pain. He doesn't seem to be - his spirits are good when he's not having a seizure.  

It's hard when it's the sweet dogs. Again, I just hope it's more clear than it is now when it's time to make the inevitable decision to euthanize.

Anxiety - Underlying and Insidious

arkstock.com

I can always tell when the anxiety is getting bad. My dreams get extremely strange or violent. Usually I am not committing the violence; instead, it is happening around me. My husband notices because I sleep very deeply and either snore or breathe very deeply, loudly, and heavily.

The source of the anxiety this week is my work. I am providing at-elbow support for physicians as part of a go-live of the electronic EMR in certain areas of the hospital. Technically, it isn't the hospital, it's the group of physicians who have admitting privileges at the hospital and their associated clinics.

Doctors are a strange breed of human being. Our society raises them in such a way that encourages antisocial behavior in the workplace.

Disclaimer

Before every doctor who has social skills and does, in fact, behave like a grown-up in their professional milieu takes offense - get over yourselves. You know this type of attitude and behavior is prevalent in your field. It's certainly prevalent in other high-value fields where people think they are deserving of special treatment (or normal treatment, as they see it). You know, like politicians, celebrities, etc.

Medical Office Culture

I don't think it's right to hire people whose job it is to make sure you don't get upset and you are happy. I don't understand why people tolerate this kind of work, especially thoughtful intelligent people. I don't understand why nurses minimize their independent practice of nursing to the emotional and logistical coddling of a physician.

No, I'm not moving to a medical office any time soon. I doubt they would hire me, anyway.

U.S. Medical System

arkstock.com

The defense of this behavior is the economic reality of our medical system in the US. The physician is the money maker. Physicians hire support people so they can maximize their hours billable at the maximum rate. Therefore, it is fiscal irresponsibility to have a doctor do such a "menial" task as fax a prescription refill to a patient's pharmacy. Or so they say.

It's a better to hire a secretary for this.

But our system places responsibility for the decision to prescribe on the physician, and it is illegal for their support staff to prescribe. We've worked out an elaborate proxy system that the physician minimizes the amount of time considering the prescription. In other words, the person who really makes the decision whether a prescription can be refilled is the medical assistant, the physician's assistant, the professional nurse, or the practical nurse, and in some cases, the secretary (not medically trained). They do all the logistics so the pharmacy can dispense. The physician gives her stamp of approval at a later time, maybe in some cases, after the med has already been dispensed.

Don't get me wrong. These people are thoughtful and through their experience working in the field, they develop an understanding of the conditions, the course of illnesses, and standard treatment protocols, and they know the patients. Workers who learn in this manner are effectively apprentices. However, we don't do apprenticeships in the USA, we do university degrees and certifications.

That's the dichotomy that causes me so much disdain for physicians. They expect their staff to be smart and trustworthy and loyal, but the second they overstep their bounds, they thump the staff person on the head with "you're not the professional here." Bullshit. The trust must go both ways, or the physician should do this stuff themselves, and actually take care of the patient holistically.

American Royalty

google.com

Back to the antisocial part. Maybe what bugs me about this is that when I argue that my time is valuable and high dollar value, that is scoffed at because we all must pitch in.

Doctors don't have to pitch in.

The physicians received some pretty damn expensive at elbow support from me. I am an expert at analysis, design specifications, and strategic development of information systems. And I am sitting around waiting for them to verbally abuse the organizational changes that force them to change their work habits. Who is the thing you can yell at? Me, the messenger....I receive the vitriol.

What really makes me angry and gives me stress is that I must accept this castigation about a system that I had no involvement in designing or building. I defend decisions I did not make and in many cases do not fully understand. Furthermore, I have limited power in changing the system to coddle the physician.

When the physicians understand the whys and wherefores behind the organizational changes it's not bad at all. When they are the spoiled children who whine when they don't get their way, it's hellish because I cannot treat them as the over indulged, princes they act like.

In my observation, it's mostly the men that act this way. The women tend to be a little more team-oriented.  Yes, yes, there are exceptions on both sides of the argument. I'm merely commenting on my experience.

And what really twists the knife for me is that what I know about the software we're using, it's so freakin' physician-focused that I don't know why they complain about anything! The rest of the staff is (metaphorically) using the system in Hebrew, on a monochromatic CRT screen, with one arm tied behind their backs and a boxing glove on their remaining one hand, to make the physician workflow work "effortlessly," and the physicians have the balls to bitch about how awful the system is?

My God! The system doesn't read my mind. It only does what I told it to do. It must be crap!

Spoiled. Little appreciation or understanding of the bigger picture and the role of the team that got them to that point.

But when they receive the check from the government for Meaningful Use achievements, they will pat themselves on the back to say what a great job they've done.  When they publish the research based on data that they merely extracted from the database in a single query in 2 hours, they will receive accolades on how clever they are.

I have a lot more to say to work out this anxiety.

Mea Culpa

I need to confess - I left the lawn sprinkler on over night. I have a very happy spot of grass in the back yard, but it's such a waste. And I have no idea how much money that cost. It's going to be an ugly water bill.

Since I forgot, maybe it's an indication of trying to do too much?

Community Garden

I am practicing embedding a video in a web page for the community garden I belong to. I needed a real web page to play with so I thought I'd use this one.

I lease a plot here for charity. A group from my church grows veggies to donate to a food pantry, and I am leader. It is crazy fun to do - at first you start with a blank plot and you work it. You plant some seeds and go away...then magically they sprout and that's a thrill!  Then they grow into little plants - how did that happen? Then suddenly they're giant plants! Then fruits start to appear - just like you find in the grocery store, but no, I actually grew them! Sorcery, pure sorcery.

I'm not in the video, but my good friend Bev is. How does it look?

Summertime....

It's no secret I prefer warm weather and longer days. Waking up after the sun is up, working out in the yard or walking the dog after dinner are the pleasures only summer time can afford. I feel so darn healthy! I work in the yard and have a good sweat. I drink lots of water. Vegetables and fruits are in season, fresh, and affordable. Color. Sunlight is abundant - I can do what I need to do and even have time for laziness, with light to spare.

Home Grown Veggies

When I lived in Rochester, NY (briefly) I learned how important this is to me. I was seriously depressed in the fall-and the winter-and the spring. Going to Florida for a vacation in February on year literally blew. my. mind.  That was the beginning of the end of living in Rochester. There are places - in my own country -  where you can wear shorts....in February. Who knew?

But now, we are past the solstice and the days insidiously get shorter. We're having too much fun to notice right now, but it's happening. Kind of like life, now that I think about it.

Shopping at Sears in the 1970s

Here is a story from my childhood. I was snacking on nuts and it came to mind.

Sears was popular when I was a child. Our family shopped there frequently, although now, I can't remember exactly where our Sears was. Paramus (NJ) maybe? I think it was in a mall; and this was before malls became so popular. We ordered from their catalog and we'd go to the store to pick up our order. They had retail, too. It was a frequent family outing for us on a Friday night. 

Our Sears had a candy counter. It was an old fashioned counter with a glass cabinet that sold candy by the pound. The candy was not individually wrapped or branded - you couldn't find M&Ms or Twizzler's at the candy counter. It had trays of unwrapped candy, and you told the salesperson how much you wanted. She scooped it up for you, put it in little white paper bag, and weighed it. 

Mom and Dad liked to buy a treat or two when we were at Sears on the way out after all the shopping was done. Something to snack on while we waited for Mom to finish up, or on the drive home. Mom liked "Bridge Mix" and salted cashews. You don't see Bridge Mix sold much any more. For those who don't remember, Bridge Mix is an assortment of chocolate covered goodies. The mix included nougats, several kinds of nuts, raisins, caramels, and the like. Dad liked the Bridge Mix, too. In the later years, there was a new selection: "mint lentils." They were a favorite, also. 

Mom liked her cashews. She would ooh and ahh over the salty toasty nuts and tell my sister and me how delicious they were. I thought they were OK but certainly not as good as peanuts to my grade-school palate. Her swooning inevitably coaxed me to try a few, and then I ended up wondering what all the fuss was about. 

Bridge Mix was also OK. I liked the raisins, peanuts, and caramels, but it was an awfully big risk when choosing a piece.  The pieces were thickly covered with dark or milk chocolate so it wasn't easy to tell what was inside. Each piece was roughly the same size, maybe 1/2 an inch in diameter or so. You could end up with that awful crumbly white stuff inside, or even licorice (ewww!). Mom and Dad wouldn't let us put it back! (As a grown up, I now know why....yuk). As a consolation, I would suck off the chocolate and get rid of the filling if a bad choice was made. 

Once in a while, Mom or Dad would buy nonpareils for my sister and me. Those were our absolute favorites. Milk chocolate with candy sprinkles on top. Crunchy if you bit them, creamy if you sucked on them. 

Today, my tastes have changed. Bridge mix is hard to be found - the only one widely available is Brachs, and they use inferior chocolate. Not worth the calories. Cashews are a delight, almost swoon-worthy to the adult me! And nonpareils are still a favorite, if the chocolate is good quality. 

Sears back then (and many other larger stores) were true "department stores." They offered a wider variety of products. I guess back then, they didn't analyze the numbers as closely and trim off the low-profit and low-volume departments. There might have even been a little more room for sentiment - the boss liked the candy counter, so it stayed. 

Holy Cannoli!

This post has nothing to do with Cannoli...

We picked 62 carrots on Sunday night - almost 8 lbs of carrots! We found two peppers ready, and trimmed the top of the basil.  The carrots were amazing - some were picture perfect:

Some were kinda gnarly:

And then there were these two. I call them 'Adam and Eve....'

In all, it was a satisfying harvest. We even inspired another gardener who was there harvesting to let us glean her bean plantings. We ended up with a pound and a half of fresh green beans. 

I hope the people who received these vegetables enjoyed them and appreciated them ad were blessed by them. 

Mini Activism - the Garden

Grace Garden is doing very well. It's so exciting to see the vegetables mature. I remember when they were just little seedlings and now they are large and bearing fruit. I think we're ready to pick some carrots and there's a mature bell pepper! Carrots are like a mystery present. You really don't know how big it is going to be until you pull it.

There are a number of little peppers and lots of cayenne peppers getting close. Our 4 tomato plants are heavy with promising green globes.

The seeds I ordered for the succession plantings arrived today! More carrot and beet seeds, and we have more lettuce and spinach seeds for the fall. Just to try something new, we are going to try broccoli!

As Mother Theresa advises, we are doing this one small thing with great love.

Becoming a Community Activist

This garden I have started is infectious. I'm excited about it, I love seeing the plants as they grow, I delight in pulling the mature vegetable from the vine, or out of the soil, or off the stalk. I feel like I'm making a difference, however small.

And it's just fun. I get to grow more more things than I could ever use personally, and I get to give the results to someone who wants....no, needs... it.

I heard about Will Allen from three different places lately. He built an organization in Milwaukee called Growing Power that feeds thousands of people with local and urban agriculture. It includes animal production (tilapia, bees, chickens) and vegetable production. The organization has an arm that provides training and conferences to empower others to do something similar.

Could I do something this big? Do I want to?

Right now, I don't have a vision for a large farm that I can't ultimately run by myself. But it would be so awesome to do.  What could I envision, if I really thought about it?

Opportunities are presenting themselves, without my even trying....I just wanted some people to help me with the garden plot, and my church ended up funding the whole project. Now, they've found some grant money maybe we could get. The amount we would need to fund the project is way less than the minimum grant. Maybe we could use the extra money for training?

The recurrence of the name Will Allen seems to be a sign. A nudge.

Lord let my heart...

Lord, let my heart be good soil
open to the seed of your word.
Lord let my heart be good soil, 
where love can grow and peace is understood.


When my heart is hard, break the stone away.
When my heart is cold, warm it with the day
When my heart is lost, lead me on your way.


Lord, let my heart....Lord, let my heart....


Lord, let my heart be good soil. 

My first Mother's Day without Mom

Christmas didn't do it, birthdays didn't do it, but Mother's Day did. It has not been easy the last few weeks. It's bothering me that Mom is gone and the world is going on as if everything is just fine.

Everyone at work has forgotten, and they all compare notes about what they're doing for Mother's day. Sure, they don't mean harm. I just wish they wouldn't go on so much.

Mother's day is fine. It's a good thing, overall, and why not have an occasion to show appreciation for someone whose role in everyone's life is generally overlooked. I don't know what the right response is, though. It seems like it is one of our society's ways of glorifying and denigrating a subset of people. We fabricate a "special" day or month for them because they're so important in our lives. Think: Mother's Day, Father's Day, Black History Month, Nurse's Day, Labor Day, etc. Why not make white man day? or banking executive week? It's obvious - they don't need any gesture of appreciation or power. Our society rewards them well enough every day.

But, I digress.

Lately, I have enjoyed working on Mom's unfinished cross stitch projects. The work has been comforting. I have assumed possession of many of her sewing and craft items. I have more embroidery/cross stitch floss than I could use in a lifetime. But just having this stuff is also comforting - I don't want some stranger working on these things. It seems really sad to me to have it end up in a landfill.

I have made some progress trying to build my own tribe. I went to a second happy hour of KC's No Kidding group and enjoyed it again. This group might be a good thing for me.

A Cross Post: Life Taking an Expected Turn

This was also posted on my other blog, Rikrax.blogspot.com. I think I'll keep the topic here. Rikrax is much more lighthearted. Here, I can be as manic as I care to be.


My father, a widower less than a year, has deteriorating health. He has some neurological dysfunction and I am steeling myself for a disappointing diagnosis. The fact is we don't have a clear diagnosis, and this is common for neurological problems ("Parkinsonian symptoms and possibly early dementia"). There is another test to be done and this tests may show that a (relatively) simple surgery can help his situation, maybe even reverse some of the symptoms! On the other hand, the test may show that surgery would not help; or, it would only help some with certain symptoms but not all. In those cases, we will have to get through one day at a time.

My Dad lives in Virginia. There is no family nearby. His neurological dysfunction is physical and mental - he is increasingly forgetful and I question his judgment at times. He is stiff, slow, arthritic. The neurologist said he shouldn't drive, but of course, he lives alone in a house at the end of a long semi-country street. Not being able to drive would almost completely isolate him, and as an introvert with neurological dysfunction, he is not gregarious. That means, few friends (yes, a few good ones), and he wouldn't dream of asking anyone to help. In his mind, there is no need to ask for help, anyway.

So....what to do?

I am here in Virginia for the weekend. Two days ago, I went to the neurologist with Dad - to hear the results from some recent testing was the motivation for coming here. I am also working on the house and yard. It's in decent shape but there are signs of neglect here and there. Dad does not like to do yard work, so the yard is rather sloppy. Thankfully, he has a yard service to mow the lawn, trim, and edge. The house is fairly clean, and thankfully, he has a maid service to come in and clean up.  There is (mostly) fresh food in the house and Dad's eating well.

It is not a crisis yet. Now is the time to set a direction and some goals, including selling the house, moving Dad to a retirement community, and reducing the driving. Hence, I'm here to clean out part of the house, clean up the yard and look for home maintenance things that will prep the house for sale.

Getting Dad to understand and agree will be the harder challenge.

Grace Garden: first work day

The first workday was yesterday, Saturday.

Here I am with the group, turning the soil. The success of everything depends on the soil - always important to do this crucial prep work. 

Sister In Law's Progress

My sister in law is doing alright.  A few months ago, I reported she had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Since then, she has had surgery, had a port a cath implanted and is taking chemo. I'm not sure about the radiation - I think she's doing that too.

I only learned this because I finally joined Facebook. I joined for two reasons: to join a social group that only has a presence on Facebook, and to find out about my sister in law. No one calls any more, no one emails, or writes. You're supposed to go find out how people are doing on your own.

What a friggin' narcissistic society we live in.

I have stepped over to the dark side. I'm not all that impressed with it - suffice to say, it's serving the purpose I intended.  I don't think it's going to replace my presence here or on my other blog.

Back to sister in law's progress - she recovered from the surgery well, and it sounds like her particular type of cancer does not have as bad a prognosis as other pancreatic cancers. That's good. Her Facebook posts are very up beat and she seems to be keeping on a normal schedule fairly well. She posts a lot of Bible verses on her site - if that were to stop, I'd know something is wrong.

After it's resolved

So, now work is without my friend. It is going alright, really, and there's a different feel to the group.

Now, almost two weeks out, I think it was the right thing. I saw her yesterday in passing and I think it may have been the right thing for her also. It feels strange to say that.

That is behind me, and I get a lovely break with a half day off from work (to meet the HVAC maintenance guy and enjoy a little me-time) I am ready to move forward. I'm taking on different responsibilities at work and doing some recruiting for new people to assume some of my current responsibilities.

Last weekend provided some much needed rest - I went on a quilt retreat and I could be creative for a whole weekend. I got several things done and started making some new friends in the quilt guild.  Prizes were fun, too!  Here are two of my completed blocks from the 2011 Block of the Month called Starry Night (Kaffe Fassett fabrics).

Incidentally, I've slipped a bit in my enthusiasm for my "It Works" goals, but the list is still working its magic. Nothing too astonishing but bit by bit, things are going the way I want them to.

Resolved

My co worker resigned. I'm in a bit of a funk. It was very strange, but then, these types of things usually are. I must start over in a way.

There have been signs and symbols in my life lately that have indicated change. Maybe it's time to change.

Work life and life life

One thing all my heartache about my career taught me that work is work. It is fun to work, and it's a delight to have a job you actually like, but it's just a job. You've got to have integrity in yourself to survive in this world.

I'm really glad I'm a beloved child of God. There have been times when that's just about the only thing that keeps me hanging on.

The reason for these morose thoughts about professional life is that I think my best friend at work is going to quit or be fired. At least that's what she says.  She has had a difficult time these past few months. She and the boss don't  mesh well. I think it's an oil and vinegar problem - they see the world differently and have a lot of trouble communicating. Now, I think the boss has made up her mind that my friend is not doing her job and when you have that predisposition, everything you see supports your position. 

Me? I don't know whether she's doing her job. She's not goofing off, she's making every effort to "improve," and she is really trying to do the right thing. But sometimes despite the best efforts, it just doesn't work. 

Even if you're smart and even if you try, sometimes you find yourself in situations where you can't win. 

We expected the news to be let out today, but it didn't. I don't really know what's going to happen. My friend did not come to work today, but there were no announcements. 

It all might make sense to me if I didn't like the job, but the fact is I rather like what I do, and I'm doing well in the job - I get compliments and encouragement. This whole situation is just stressful and so unnecessary.

Gardening season is coming

This year, I took my idea for a charity garden to my church. There's a small ministry group within the church that supports Christian causes of peace, justice and the environment. At a meeting in January, I pitched my idea for a garden to grow fresh vegetables for a local food pantry.

They loved it! The group is supporting the project!  So, Grace Garden is born.

It appealed to the group because it is an organic garden (good for the environment) and it is supporting the local community garden (a good social program). We are improving the food security of the community (social justice) with high quality product, healthier than canned vegetables or processed food they usually get at food pantries. I can only pray that the veggies do good, that they are given to people who know how to prepare fresh vegetables, and given to people will enjoy having fresh vegetables and fruit.  I imagine it feels pretty lousy to have to turn down food you know is better for you, because you have to pick  cheaper things.

I share the leadership with another volunteer who liked the idea and stepped up. I have a team of garden workers. I have laid out a plan for planting through the season. We're having our first work day on Saturday to start preparing the soil (if it dries out a bit by Saturday - very rainy lately!).

Our goal is to donate 100 pounds of wholesome organic food. We probably will donate it to food pantries closer to home than the regional food bank I gave to last year. We will manage the garden online. It is very exciting to see this project take shape.

Above all, I hope it will be fun. I hope I'll make some new friends and I really hope we will be wildly successful at growing vegetables.

It Works....it actually works

The Famous Little Red Book That Makes Your Dreams Come True!

While on my recent trip to Florida, I flipped through the Southwest Airlines in-flight magazine called Spirit. There was a story ("Luck and Desire") about a young man who had a devastating accident, but was making progress towards recovery against many odds. This is a fairly typical premise.

Yet....this story hooked me.  What captured me was his life before the accident. As a child, he had not been particularly athletic. His mother had a secret to share with him - a 20-page booklet called It Works! which was given to her by her father. That booklet contained the method and the system for developing goals and achieving them.

It's a short booklet. On Amazon, it's only $3, for heaven's sake. How could that booklet contain information about how to get anything you desire? And it's so old...it's got some quaint dated language in it.

The young man in the article, Rob, applied the principles to his pursuit of baseball. And you know what? as he grew up, he became better at it. Then he became good at it. Then he was looking at athletic scholarships to college. He had seen the process work in his life, and in the lives of his mother and grandfather.

Then, the accident happened and his life took a different direction. He had to redesign his goals, but again using the same method and techniques, he made (and is still making) remarkable progress towards recovery.

It Works in My Life

So what have I got to lose? I thought I'd give it a try. I found a notebook and began wrote down what I want. I wrote down everything I could think of. I didn't restrict it to any particular type of goal.  I've followed the plan as faithfully as faithfully as I am able.

Anything happening?

Remarkably, yes it is. One goal is basically accomplished. I have had remarkable and unexpected steps towards achieving two other goals. How did that happen?

Yeah, it could be random, but for me, there's enough evidence that the method is doing exactly what the book says it will do. It seems unlikely, but I am cautiously optimistic.

Nothing New Under the Sun

The Luck and Desire article discussed the psychology of goal setting, and how it's possible to get it all wrong. It also talks about other manifestations of the same idea. In the early 00's a book called The Secret was wildly popular. Same thing.

In the late 90s, a book that took off in Christian communities was The Prayer of Jabez. Same idea. I bet this concept comes around every generation or so.

The skeptics can deny and protest all they want. And honestly, I'm still somewhat of a skeptic. But for now I'm keeping at it.

The only thing you do in return is spread the word. Here is one small effort to spread the word and pay it forward.

BTW, It Works! is also available for Kindle. Only $2.40. What's holding you back??

Some days...

Some days you just want to find a sunny spot and take a nap.

The irony of judging other people

Within a few days of my previous post, I received bad news in my family. My sister in law (wife of my husband's brother) has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

There's not much to say about that - it is terrible, it is undeserved, she is relatively young (early 50s), she has lived cleanly. Supposedly, it was "caught early" so treatment is hopeful. However, pancreatic cancer is a lousy one to have because it does not have good treatment success no matter what you do. Consider Randy Pausch and Steve Jobs.

What remains that we can do? Well, pray, of course.

What did I just whine about? Sharing personal tragedies with a group to pray about.

I am a horrible person. God reminds me of that from time to time (I'm still forgiven, but that's another issue.) Nevertheless, I shall pray and I will share it with the group. I have not yet, though, since we don't know much at this point. Just a diagnosis.

Prayers in a group

I don't understand. In choir we close the rehearsal with sharing of concerns and joys, then we pray briefly. We don't pray on each concern explicitly.

I don't like the sharing of joys and concerns. The joys are few in number - maybe 1 happy thing for every 8 tragedies. Mostly we hear of dreadful things - "my mother in law is sick," "someone I work with was in a car accident," "my neighbor's father had a stroke," etc. It is so sad and it makes me depressed.

I am a horrible person. I am supposed to overflow with compassion for these beloved children of God, but I do not feel it. I am supposed to feel closer to these people, and maybe even admire them for uplifting their friends and family in prayer.  Instead it makes me depressed.

It seems like there are a few people who always have someone to talk about. Sometimes the connection is tenuous at best - "the friend of a son of someone I work with had something terrible happen to them, I'm not really sure of the details" - how can such a thing move you so much that you need all of us to pray for it?  My gut tells me that for some of these people it's a chance to display their sensitivity and compassion, and thus earn the admiration of others.

I don't know what to suggest. The practice itself not really a bad thing. I just find these things much more private and intimate.

Blessed Saturday

Nothing like a Saturday when you really need one. It's sunny, I could sleep in, and I have something fun to do today.

Today I will go work on Quilts of Valor with a friend and a group from my quilt guild. I help out once in a while - it's not my signature project personally, but it's a good charity, and it's such fun to sew with friends.

It's sunny here in the midwest, not terribly cold, and I got to sleep in. These are the small things that bring joy.

The memory is going

I spent about an hour on Saturday writing a long post recounting a story from my life. Then I had a sudden feeling of deja vu... aw, crud. I posted that story already! It was about the January Apartment Fire back in 1989.

The frightening thing was how similarly worded the story was - the version I'd written three years ago and Saturday's.  I have become an old lady who repeats herself.

Heh, at least I can check if I've repeated myself!

Blogher

I've recently spent some time on Blogher reading and learning how to become a better blogger. So far I have not found much advice beyond what I already know - use proper grammar, spell correctly, proofread, and vary your sentence structure.

There are a lot of helpful tutorials on photography. I have a lot to learn about taking photos for online.  Blogs with pictures are just more interesting.

I'm also hoping to improve my readership and step up the design, particularly on my rikrax blog.

This blog is still rather private, to me. At times, I have posted blunt, honest, and strong opinions and feelings. I'm not really ashamed or embarrassed, but it isn't something I would like to have a wide readership for. Yes, I know exactly what I'm doing when I post to the Internet. As it says in my blog subtitle, this is my public journal. It's an exercise for me in mental fitness.

Hello 2012

Almost all of my favorite bloggers have started their posts this year with one titled "Hello 2012."  OK, so here's mine.

What will 2012 entail?

Things are changing this year personally for me. I do not expect my job to change much, but I think I must define a new paradigm for how I live. The kin keeper (Mom) is gone. I do not think any of my other family will reach out to me very much, therefore if I want to center my life on my family, I must become the kin keeper. I do not want to become the kin keeper, therefore, I must begin to define my life outside of my family of origin. I still would love to be in contact with family and I probably will be in contact on some level. SImply put, my life will not be about family.

This is non-traditional. The most popular model in America is the family-centered paradigm, in all its stress filled glory. For many people it works out well. For many others, it is hurtful and harmful. For me, I think it could be fine, but I don't think it will deliver fulfillment I am looking for. I will end up frustrated and feeling unappreciated.

I'm not sure what this means when I try to operationalize a non-traditional life. Travel over the holidays? Work over the holidays? Develop and nurture a network of friends that serve as family over the holidays? Who will I call to catch up with?  The fact is, I need a tribe, but my tribe does not need to be a clan.

So, I must get started.