Hurt by Life

I have re read When Bad Things Happen to Good People. After 9/11 in the United States, this book helped me come to grips with the senselessness of the terrorist attack and the death of so many innocent people. It did help.

This time, I picked it up because someone I work with was shot and killed in the parking lot of one of the buildings where I work. He was a good guy and didn't deserve this. His family didn't deserve to lose a Dad, husband, and son. Worse yet, his brother killed him and then completed the theme of our time: the murder-suicide.  The family had (and still has to) deal with losing two sons.  My coworker was in his early 50s and he and his wife had recently adopted a child from China. He was a stable, upstanding, smart and clever person

In this situation, I don't know what our society could have done differently. The brother had a known history of mental illness and until recently, he had fairly successfully managed it. Then, for some reason, he stopped taking his medications. He started making threats.

The family engaged the police and got restraining orders. My coworker alerted his team to keep an eye out for a stranger in the parking lot.  But in a situation like this, in our free society there's only so much you can do: the brother was able to get a gun, he identified a vulnerable time to stalk his victim in the parking lot (early morning), and he was determined to kill my coworker. He found a way, and he did it.

A great loss. Greater than I can even know.

I did not work closely with the victim so I am dealing with it fairly well. At least one person who worked in partnership with him has had a very difficult time.

Now, I feel like I need to re-re-read the book. I find myself in a difficult season of life, and I don't know how far I am through it or how deep it is - will it get worse? Will it be over soon or years from now?

While I was working the hospital unit, like most nurses, I developed a perspective or a philosophy about life and the human condition. Life here is really hard. We all do the best we can with the tools we have and sometimes things get all twisted and confused.


My 16-year-old niece is pregnant. I just found out last night.

Now, usually, I'm rather casual about these things. It happens all the time and nowadays, in certain social groups, this is pretty normal. In fact, it's almost expected. You get pregnant in high school, have your child, your parents raise it with you and help support you while you work a low-paying job and go to community college. Then you get married and create a blended family, and have a few more kids. Then you divorce and start the divorce-remarry-blended family cycle. Blah blah blah.

stock photo: not my niece!

You have dramatic, engaging stories to tell with you as the hero (or the victim) later in life. "Oh, woe is me," or "if only I'd known then what I know now!!" And you swear...you swear!... you want better for your kids!

Then your kids do the same thing, because really... this is all "OK." Since it's so normal today, there aren't social consequences in the same way they were 40 years ago. It doesn't ruin your life...it makes your life unnecessarily difficult, but we have changed our society to accept it, sometimes begrudgingly.  In fact, those who judge or reject girls with babies are uncool, old fashioned, and definitely the minority. For those who do not think it's OK, the best we can do today is begrudgingly accept it.

I mean, the pregnant teenager meme all over TV, media, and movies. Pregnancy brings so many exciting things! Presents! Attention of my friends and family! Drama! Excuses! See how excited everyone gets when a duchess or a movie star becomes pregnant! Why wouldn't young people think this is a good way to conduct their lives?

Sigh.

Abortion is socially just not an option these days. ...well-played, far right conservatives. It took 40 years, but yes, well-played.

I don't know what to do, if anything. I would like to communicate with her that I don't condone what has happened and I don't know how to do that from a distance. I don't want to cut her off, really, since our family is small.

I want to reach out to my brother and sister in law, but I don't know how. I really feel for them. They try so hard.... but something didn't work as intended. Nobody knows why - they are good people and they try to do the right thing. Yet, just like me, they are human with faults and flaws, confusion and misdirections. They have been hurt by life, too - here, now and in the past. This all factors in.

I don't want this to devastate them. I fear it could collapse their marriage.

Would it be too preachy to send them a copy of this book?  Should I leave them alone because they don't need one more person to be all up in their business? Crap, I don't know.

Harold Kushner says that showing up and being-with is one of the most compassionate things we can do. Maybe that's where I start.