On becoming a 'parent' to one's parents

On Saturday, two days time, I go to Virginia yet again to accompany my father through a surgery.  

We hired a caregiver for my dad last time I was there, in late October. It was a wonderfully strategic hire - now someone checks in on him and helps him remember his appointments. She assists with the legal stuff the family is trying to get done. She accompanies him to doctor's appointments. On the down side, now we know a little more just how bad is confusion and memory are. We can no longer ignore it. Clearly Dad needs help.

What to do, though? He insists on staying in Charlottesville, near no one in the family. He doesn't have friends and he doesn't belong to anything with strong social ties like a church, a club, or a senior center. He goes out and does things from time to time, but always alone.

If he moves to assisted living, his freedom will be curtailed. If he can't come and go as he pleases, then what is the benefit of staying in Charlottesville?

I am not eager for him to move here, though. My sister and brother are not keen on him moving to their home towns, either. I think any of us would step up if he stated a preference, but he does not. If he stays in Charlottesville in assisted living, none of us would see him very often. What would be the draw? No house, no place to stay for free, nothing to do with Dad, and eventually Dad will likely stop knowing who we are, so no meaningful connection.

Not that there's much of a meaningful connection now, while he still knows us.

I'm sure we'd all go see him out of obligation once in a long while. We could not be counted on for his care, entertainment, or emotional support, though. We could hire people.

It's all so sad.

There is the chance that this procedure will improve his memory and function, but I'm not holding my breath. Even if it does, though, it's merely delaying what's coming.  

One step at a time, I guess.