New Year's Resolutions

I think New Year's Resolutions are alright. I have made some in the past and stuck with them to some extent. I try to make them something that I truly want to achieve and that is realistic to achieve.

I have an interesting "candidate" resolution for this year. I read in the paper an article on Thank You notes, and in which the author quotes a mentor of hers that she should write a thank you note a day. She protests that she doesn't think she has that many people to thank! Then you are just not looking hard enough, is the reply.

This thought has captured my imagination. Indeed I believe I have enough people to thank for one note a day. I probably have even more than that! I am truly blessed...even though I forget that every so often.

Should this be my New Year's Resolution?

Realistically, I don't think I can commit to one thank you note a day. I could probably sustain one thank you note a week. One a month would not be enough.

There are several goals in such a resolution: increase my awareness and make me more sensitive to appreciating those around me, establishing a writing discipline, practicing penmanship (I type most of the time anymore), nurturing my relationships. Seems like a great thing to do!

One thank you note per week. That's a lot, really. Can I do it? Should I commit to it? What do you think, dear reader?

This Christmas

I was supposed to work. Once again, the phone rang at 5:00 am and I was canceled. I was delighted again, not as much as on Christmas Eve. The reason was that I had a long day at home previously and I was ready to be cheery for a few hours on Christmas Day. It's OK. I think my husband was happier that I could stay home, although he could do without the 5:00 am phone call.

I got bored yesterday. It was gray out and windy. We did have some nice gifts from each other, friends, and family. My husband bought "us" Guitar Hero and we played a bit. I am fantastically bad at this games - computer games rarely capture my interest anyway. I'd rather read a book, work on a quilt, write a post to my blog, knit, cook, exercise, grocery shop....well, just about anything. Nevertheless, I tried it and I admit, it's kind of fun.

I am still fantastically bad at it though. You'd think I'd be good at it because I'm a musician. I bet I'd be good at it if they used the language of music rather than the language of gamers. I know what a syncopated rhythm looks like in notes and time signatures, not in matching the dot to the target.

We went out to a friend's house for a few hours. Against my better judgment, we went to a friend's family gathering by a quick casual invitation, after I'd mentioned we had no plans. (I know, I know, what did I post just a few days ago???). It was OK. I had been looking forward to it because my friend had said the family gets together and plays games and eats all day. There were few games to be found. I goofed around with Dance Dance Revolution vs. a 10 year old, and half-heartedly tried to get a game of Scrabble together. They talked among themselves, although early on, some of them did interact with us a lot. The guys were all absent, putting together a table saw down the basement.

The chemistry wasn't there. We left, then drove out to the Plaza to see the lights. It was pretty.

When we got home, we went to play Guitar Hero again. This time, we tried "quick play" instead of training mode. I was so bad...the computer generated crowd booed me off the stage. It's tough when a virtual audience things you suck. And it hit me the wrong way.

Eh, it's over. The gifts are given. Today I've been taking advantage of the sales and enjoying the shopping therapy. I got some great deals!!

A Gift of Grace

Yesterday was the third Tuesday in a row when bad weather came in. Yesterday, we had freezing rain, high winds, culminated by snow starting late at night. I awoke this morning to about 1 inch of snow on the ground. Since I was scheduled to work, I needed to get up early, get through my yoga practice, and plan to leave early to compensate for the bad road conditions. Our street is completely covered with snow, although the main roads are likely to be cleaned up.

Then the phone rang. Very low census on the unit today, the overnight unit coordinator is canceling nurses. Would I like to be cancelled?

Would I!

Any excuse not to go out in that weather!

Oh, this has delighted me! I can finish cleaning the house today. I can work on my quilt! I can go to Christmas Eve services at church tonight!

And even better - last night I had been searching the American Patchwork and Quilting website for a copy of the pattern for the bed quilt I am working on. I had clipped the pattern from the magazine and brought it to work to show my friends my project. Yet, somehow I lost track of the pattern and it disappeared!

The American Patchwork and Quilting website (www.allpeoplequilt.com) had it! It took a lot of searching, and I ended up finding it under "Products" on BHG.com. They charged some money ($6 plus tax) for it, but at this point, after having completed all 80 blocks but still needing the directions for sashing and borders, of course I would pay for it.

Here is how you find a back issue pattern from APQ. Go to www.allpeoplequilt.com, click on "Printable Patterns," and then click on a pattern that you have to pay for. This will take you to the product area. (Don't worry, you're not buying the pattern you clicked on, just browsing) From here, you can search for another pattern. There may be a more direct way to get there, but this worked for me. I also knew the name of the pattern - I don't know how well the search works if you are trying to describe the quilt, only.

You'd think there'd be some instructions on the website. It's gotta be a common request.

I am still scheduled to work tomorrow and it is possible I'll be canceled again. I can hope, but it's OK if I do have to work after all. It's only a half day, and I'll earn a lot of money, anyway. I don't have anything else to do on Christmas this year. I will be making a difference to the patients who do have to stay tonight.

And a few more thoughts on goals

Interestingly, as I look back on my life, I observe that my life doesn't just happen to me. Serendipitous things don't occur randomly.

Only rarely do unplanned things happen. So far, my very few unplanned life events have been negative.

Like the time the apartment house I lived in had a fire. Wiped out the place. That sucked.

My life is characterized as a series of events I make happen. I never fall into things, like unexpected pregnancies, fortuitous professional opportunities, random relocations, surprising social events. I make my own luck, I make my own future. For instance: I study, I pass tests, I earn degrees, I decide on a career I want, I become what I want to be. I wanted certain behaviors to stop, so I put myself in therapy. I wanted to get married (at a certain age) so I decided to date more of "the marrying kind." Now, I'm married. I wanted to sing more, so I took lessons and learned how to audition, tried out for a chorus, and got decent at it. Now I sing some.

I am comfortable with this. For one thing, I feel empowered, and I have no doubt that I am NOT a victim of circumstance. It's quite a luxury, really.

Life is more random than it appears to me, so I understand. To have an interesting, quality life, it takes my effort, and only my effort. I fear the randomness. I fear that wouldn't how to deal with it.

Sometimes I wish someone would take care of these things instead of me. It gets tiresome.

Oh, what the hell am I complaining about? I am so blessed.

See? This is the darkness talking again...

Update

No word from up above on my next journey.

The one that keeps resounding in my mind is the clarinet choir. I don't know how to start a clarinet choir, though. While I have some musical training, I don't know how to conduct, really.

Sounds like the right challenge, don't you think?

On this, the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year, I am seeking light. Direction, and light.

Sinking...

It's the winter, I'm sinking into the pit again.

I will keep persevering, I will keep taking my meds. I will try again to reach beyond.

I had a thought this morning about what makes me happy. A goal. I need a goal. I need a meaningful, lofty goal. I need something to work towards. I need a path to walk.

What's next? Professional? Art? Travel? Family? Education? Investment? Spiritual?

I don't know. Here are some things I have thought about.

• Professional: Another master's degree (in nursing this time).


• Professional: A new more challenging job.


• Professional: Pursue the ideas I have for developing original software


• Professional: Do I really want to teach nursing students?


• Art: Find a better singing venue than I currently have


• Art: Start a clarinet choir.


• Art: Get back into playing saxophone


• Art: Buy an alto or bass clarinet and get good at it. Find gigs.


• Travel: Plan the next international vacation.


• Family: Make one of my own.


• Education: Another degree? Really?


• Investment: Actually learn how to manage my money.


• Spiritual: More involvement in church


• Spiritual: Write spiritual literature - that is a book of devotions.

I will pray on it. I don't know where God wants me to go at this point. I need to identify one to commit to.

Stop the Fear Mongering

I am so tired of being reminded how we should all be afraid.

I just got an email from a casual friend warning me (and everyone on her extensive email list) of the latest so-called trick criminals use to carjack your car, steal your identity (because your purse is in the car) and come to your home and terrorize you.

Snopes.com says this story is false. Given the large type in the email with red text, I immediately agree.

What is it about this? Why are we so damn afraid? Why must we be reminded over and over again to be afraid? Everyone is out to get us? Why?

Yes we're all vulnerable. Yes bad things happen. So what? Being afraid of everything isn't going to change those facts.

It's just crazy. Stop it already.

Feeling Abandoned

Sometimes at work, I feel abandoned and unsupported. I feel like no one is around to help me and I have to provide total care for all of my patients. I can't rely on the doctors, the aides, the technicians, the secretaries, the other nurses on my unit or on my unit coordinator (charge nurse). I really don't like days like that.

What happens from time to time is that because of the room assignments of the patients in the unit, I end up all by myself. I am not physically near any coworkers. Naturally, people congregate where they're working, and when I'm on my own, then there's no one to talk to. I get lonely. So it was with yesterday - it laid the groundwork for a bad day.

Yesterday an unusual thing happened - orders for a patient written 12 hours earlier had not been entered in the system. That means medications didn't get sent up for that patient, and orders for a chest xray didn't get entered (so they didn't come get the patient for the xray), lab orders weren't entered (so the labs weren't drawn). Human error and unfortunate timing contributed to the oversight. Here is what I think happened:

• The patient came back to our unit at shift change. He came to the unit at about 3:00pm, promptly went to procedure and wasn't seen again until 7:00pm. Things are vulnerable at shift change.
  
• I was involved with a sheath removal in another room right at the time the patient returned; I wasn't available to receive the patient. I had another nurse take report. She did, and scribbled it down on a sheet of paper in her own short hand. She left the sheet of paper on the desk for me and went off to deal with issues for her own patients.
  
• The night nurse came on at shift change. I gave report from my limited experience with the patient and the scribbled report.
  
• The night nurse was a float nurse. She doesn't normally work on our unit. She doesn't know intimately how we do things on this unit. She probably assumed the orders were taken care of.
  
• The unit secretary on that night was sick and not very "with it" that night.
  
• Since the float nurse didn't know how the unit works, she didn't realize certain things were missing for this patient. For example, she didn't get concerned when they didn't come get the guy for the xray. She didn't think it was unusual that there were no lab tests scheduled. She probably didn't wonder why the second antibiotic dose didn't show up from pharmacy. And, in her defense, why would she? These things are supposed to be taken care of.
  
• Another contributing factor was that when the patient came back from procedure, doctors, nurses and family were buzzing around in a tizzy. His procedure was complicated (not dangerous, though). It is likely that the chart got picked up and put down many times and somehow never made it to the secretary's desk to be entered.
  

The end result is that the secretary in the morning caught the fact that the orders had never been entered. Ah, that explains why it is 10:00am and the patient still hasn't gone down for his xray! (It is usually done between 6:30 and 7:00 am.) I felt bad about it, and it rather ruined my day. No one yelled at me, at least.

But how can you not feel criticized when doctors or nurse practitioners ask you "where is the INR?" (lab test)?

Guess who gets to pay for the mistake? Me. The nurse is ultimately responsible for the entering of orders (accurately), and the carrying out of doctors orders. I oversee the entire path of care the patient experiences during my shift portion of the hospital stay. Yes, I have help, but I am the responsible party. That is why I have legal registration and why I supposedly get paid the "big bucks."

I am also responsible for checking the doctors orders, in that sometimes they forget things (yes, in fact I do want an EKG after procedure! I'm so glad you noticed!) or check a box to give the patient morphine (Oh, silly me. The patient is allergic to morphine!! I didn't really want to order that). One phone call is not a huge deal. After the 50th or 60th call, you get tired of checking up on them. Just do it right for God's sake.

The docs get complacent that we will catch their errors. When we don't catch their omissions/errors we end up paying. And we get the consequences - drop everything and draw this lab test now! Stop what you're doing and call down to xray so this patient's xray gets done! I don't care what you're doing now, drop everything and do what I need, says the doctor, because I cannot be slowed down.

Eh, it is what it is. Mostly the system works well. Sometimes things fall through the cracks.

On Autonomy

My workplace is certified as a Magnet Hospital. This means that we are supposedly a great place to work for nurses - and other things, follow the previous link for more info. In general, it really is! One of the principles of being a Magnet Hospital is supporting autonomous practice for nurses.

I don't know what I think about that. In reality, autonomous practice is a balance between doing what the nurse think the patient needs and the legal scope of practice. Legally, registered nurses can't do some things (like prescribe medication). Where I work, I have very little autonomy. Personally, it's OK with me, but the lack of control over how my day goes gets frustrating.

None of us has control over when patients are scheduled, when they arrive, when the doctor takes them to the lab, when they come back from the lab, and when they go home. My manager feels that we shouldn't have input in these things - it is our job to accommodate and serve. She is the conduit through which we communicate with the organizations that make these very decisions. Our input can stop with her if she doesn't advocate for us. This happens.

For the most part, the requirement for these events is "right now." Well, hell, I can't be in two rooms at one time. I can't be giving an insulin shot to patient X while I'm gathering a medical history from patient Y. Everyone wants it now. And everyone's priority is the most important.

There's only so much I can do. The so-called solution to this problem is "prioritizing" and "delegating." Many times, establishing priorities works, but it is not 100% fail proof.


Thanks for listening. I needed to write this down to feel better. Keep in mind that I still like my job and like my career. It is like anything in this imperfect world. You know.

December Post

I don't want to abandon my discipline altogether. I am making myself write today. I have no burning issue to discuss but let's see what develops.

On Christmas

Ever wonder what child-free people do for Christmas? We are out there. We aren't really to be pitied about it - despite the mainstream media's emphasis on family, the child's wonder at the holiday, toys, and tradition passed from generation to generation, adults without children celebrate in as many ways as there are people. There is a whole world out there for adults outside the so-called traditional lifestyle. And it's pretty good.

We don't just sit around lonely and bored, longing for the Norman Rockwell story. In fact, some of the stories I hear about the traditional family get togethers are just horrific. Drama, old conflicts brought up, alcoholic uncles, unrealistic expectations, etc. etc. Oh please.

Some of us work. This year it's my turn and I will work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (but only a half day is needed on Christmas day). People don't stop having heart attacks, going into labor, developing stomach ulcers, and succumbing to diabetic ketoacidosis, just because it's Christmas Eve. Someday, it may be you. Thank goodness we are there.

Some of us focus on the religious aspect of the season. As I get older and learn more about the history of the church, the less I believe that 12/25 actually was Jesus's birthday. Nevertheless, I think it is important to mark this event and reflect on the religious significance of this single, profound human life. December 25 is as good as any day to pick for it, I suppose. I am fascinated by the idea that God came to us as a baby, a common person, a poor person, even. In my mind, that makes sense. In worldly logic, it does not make sense. Such is the mystery.

I really like the religious music of the season, too. There's some beautiful stuff out there.

Some of us visit with family and enjoy our relatives. Some of us provide company and friendship for older relatives in addition to younger ones. You know, throughout history there has been a tradition of the unmarried aunt or widow in the family. Such women have always been important to families. I don't know so much about the single men, though. Societies regard them with suspicion, I guess.

Some people do have to confront the depression and frustration of being outside the mainstream.

Others take the day to do something they enjoy. Still others relish the unusual situation of life slowed down, for one (or two) days a year.

I don't mention to people what I do on the holidays to my friends and colleagues all that much anymore. Sometimes I just use vague terms, then refocus the conversation on them. I don't want to have to defend what I do or deal with a last minute invitation to join their family. (Ugh. That's awkward...). If the event had been planned to include me, hey, no problem. It's fun to see how others celebrate.

I don't begrudge society for promoting a mainstream image. It is necessary to keep our society going, to keep people to conform to the prescribed path in life, to procreate, to buy things, to establish traditions. It is what it is. If everyone were like me, we'd all be gone in a generation. I simply support approaching diversity with compassion.

A Vegetarian Thanksgiving

More on food.

I am a foodie....but at least I come by it honestly. My mother was a dietician, my father was a food scientist. Neither of them were very adventurous in their approach to food, but they knew what was *good*. Like the time Dad came home from the Godiva chocolate plant with several bags of rejects from their manufacturing line. And nobody could beat Mom making a pie crust...light, delicate, flaky, melt-in-your-mouth.

We had an excellent Thanksgiving meal yesterday. This year we stayed home and had a little feast on our own. The menu had a traditional theme to it:

• Fake turkey "roast"


• Mashed potatoes


• Stuffing


• Roasted green beans


• Gravy


• Pumpkin Chocolate Cheesecake Pie

We tried two different "roasts" this year. Ordinarily we'll get a Tofurky, but the Vegetarian Times reviewed the Quorn Turk'y Roast and the Celebration Roast. We tried them both. Both were good in different ways. The quorn was drier and had the "squeaky" texture of poultry (at least, as I think I remember). It was very low in fat. The Celebration Roast had a distinctly herbal taste, simulating a marinade or basting sauce. It was richer, higher in fat, and it had stuffing in the middle. Both were good and we'll probably get them again when the mood strikes us.

The mashed potatoes came out excellent - I used Idaho potatoes, fat free half-and-half, and butter. Butter? Yes, butter. I lighten the recipe when and where I can. For a holiday, butter is warranted.

Stuffing was simply Stove Top brand. Interestingly, the only meat-free variety is the pork stuffing. Weird.

Roasted green beans were fairly new for me this year. I don't like green beans, much. I think I OD'd on them as a child, since they were one of Mom's favorites. Recently I read about roasting them and how different they come out. It's true. They still taste vegetable-y, but not so green bean-y. To make them, you trim the ends, give them a good spray of oil and stick them in a 425 or 450 degree oven until they begin to brown. It takes about 20 minutes. It's useful to stir them once or twice during the cooking process.

For gravy, I used Hain's Vegetarian "Chicken Flavor" gravy. We've used this brand before - brown and "chicken" flavors are available. The "chicken" flavor is OK. It's a little on the sweet side...we usually get the brown gravy for general use. It's good on potatoes.

Dessert was a treat. I found the recipe for Pumpkin Chocolate Cheesecake Pie in Better Homes and Gardens magazine. The picture in the November issue looked so good, we had to give it a try. And it's heavenly! I made the crust from scratch, which turned out wonderfully. I inherited the pie crust gene, you see. After reading the nutrition information, though, we just couldn't follow the recipe to the letter. I mean, 35 grams of fat in one serving? Horrifying! I lightened it up as follows:

• Cream Cheese -> Neufchatel (or "lite") cream cheese


• Eggs -> partially replaced with egg whites (instead of 5 yolks, used 2)


• Half and Half -> Fat free half and half.

Again, it didn't make it great, but it did improve the nutritional value. We also have been eating tiny little slivers of pieces. No topping. It was still luscious: spicy, sweet, creamy, with a little bitter from the chocolate.

All this with a little wine, and it was a great meal. Great enough that I'm actually writing a blog post on it. I am looking forward to several days of left overs, too. Mmm. Life is good, even for the turkey we didn't kill and eat.

So, what *do* you eat?

It has become apparent to many of my friends and acquaintances lately that I'm vegetarian. Oh, they say. You don't eat meat? What about dairy? So you aren't a, um, vegan...is that what they call it?

So....what do you eat?

Argh. That question, while well intentioned, aggravates me. What do I eat? Food, silly. Asking the question implies that there is nothing else to eat except meat, and nothing else counts.

From a volume perspective, I bet most people eat more non-meat items than meat items. So there.

Even though I'm tired of the question, I am polite about it, and I regard it as an opportunity to educate and maybe even change a few minds.

Here is a little information about how a main stream American achieves vegetarianism. I am not the most zealous vegetarian, and I don't do fancy calculations about how to balance proteins. I like to eat and I like to eat well, therefore I have an interesting and varied diet. Like most people, I am lazy at times and make convenience foods.

For breakfast, I like a bread/grain (toast, bagel, oatmeal, or a bowl of grits sometimes), a fruit, and some coffee. Sometimes I'll add a piece of cheese or some fake bacon for some added fat/protein, if I think I'm going to have a long morning. I am stubborn about the fruit in the morning. Such is my habit.

A little sidetrack for a minute. When I was a new vegetarian, I did a fair bit of reading on vegetarianism, trying to find the optimal diet and to make sure I wasn't harming myself by avoiding meat. One book I read was "Fit for Life" by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond. It's an awful, fanatical book on specific ways of eating, and I wouldn't recommend the book at all. However, one thing they advocated was eating only fruits before noon. I tried it for a while, and while I didn't reap any major benefits, I acquired the habit of fruit for breakfast. It sure beats froot loops, anyway!

For lunch I usually eat leftovers from dinner. When I pack my lunch for work, my little formula is:

• Main dish


• Side dish


• Fruit


• Dessert

Main dish may be something like: a serving of baked ziti, left over tofu dish from a local Chinese restaurant, a sandwich, a veggie burger, a bowl of soup or chili, Thai Kitchen noodle soup, left over pizza, a frozen entree, etc.

The side dish is something complementary to the main dish. Sometimes the main dish includes the side, like left over Chinese with rice. Other examples are: crackers with cheese, chips, a portion of frozen veggies, "finger salad" (baby carrots, grape tomatoes and cucumber sticks), a small serving of soup, etc.

The fruit is obvious.

Funny story: this week, a colleague at work, who happens to be from Ukraine, saw me eating a persimmon at lunch. He said that I was the first American he has ever seen eating a persimmon. Americans don't know what they are! This is true. I have been bringing them to work lately because I started eating them in Japan last month and I decided they're pretty good. People have asked me if it's a tomato.

Ooh, I feel so worldly.

Anyway.... Dessert. I "need" my dessert. It has psychological benefits more than nutritional benefits. My dessert makes me feel loved (uh, by me, but hey, whatever). I have cut it down to just a little portion, but when I tried eliminating it I felt deprived. My petite dessert is something like: one or two cookies (homemade, whenever possible), four Hershey's kisses, one biscotti, etc.

Dinner can be very interesting at our house, again because I like to eat and I like to cook. My latest "thing" is learning some Asian cooking from a vegan cookbook I bought while in Japan last month. About once a week, I make traditional Japanese vegan cuisine. I have made Okonomiyaki, Udon noodle soup with fried vegetable fritters, scattered sushi rice, and miso soup. When I'm not doing something so fancy, I make more traditional American item, like macaroni fake-beef and tomatoes, veggie lasagna, other pastas with sauce, fake-chicken cacciatore, stir-fries, calzones, homemade pizza, fritattas, roasted vegetables,...oh the list goes on and on.

I get a lot of my recipes from the newspaper, incidentally. Our food section publishes a weekly menu and they always have one day as meatless. Occasionally, they print some really good recipes.

One of my favorite vegetarian cookbooks for new or experimenting vegetarians is Vegetarian Pleasures by Jean Lemlin. This book is set up as menus for entire meals. There are many dishes that aren't so different from mainstream American cooking, therefore I think it's less threatening. It's an old book, so you might have to find it used. It looks like she's written some other cookbooks since then - I bet they're good too.

See? A vegetarian eats all kinds of things. You just have to approach your meal a little differently, as a vegetarian.

The Quilt Show

My quilt guild's annual quilt show completed a few hours ago. It's a "showing" not a contest. There are no prizes.

I entered 4 quilts in the show. Two of them are older - items I had completed before even moving to Kansas City. I entered these to makes sure we had enough for the show and to encourage other quilters. These quilts, wall hangings actually, are not going to win any awards, they are rather plain. I love them nevertheless, and they were fun to do.

Which is the point of a hobby anyway.

Another one was finished earlier this year. I gave this wall hanging the title "Carolina in my Mind." My friends from North Carolina made the quilt top before I moved and the design included a North Carolina Star block, and simple square-in-a-square blocks depicting symbols of North Carolina: lighthouses, the state flower, the state bird, the state freshwater fish, the state reptile, the state insect, etc.

The state insect of NC is the honey bee, in case you were wondering.

I did the quilting on this one. I quilted it by machine, incorporating feather designs, stippling, outlining, and a few meandering loops.

The fourth entry was a large wall hanging for my mother. She had picked out the fabrics and the quilt design. I applied the fabric selections to the design. It is machine pieced and hand quilted. I started it in...get this...2001. I remember because we bought the fabrics on a weekend we visited Mom and Dad in September 2001. Right after "9-11." We had gone up to spend a long weekend and go to the football game between University of Virginia (where my parents live) and Penn State (my alma mater). Because of 9-11, the game was cancelled. We went to visit, anyway.

So, instead we decided to take a day trip to see the quilt museum of Virginia. After seeing the displays, we went to a Mennonite community shopping area to a fantastic quilt and fabric shop, in Dayton, VA. That is where we bought the fabric. A project was born.

I had not worked on the project for 7 years straight! I took breaks, got bored, got laid off from work, tried a series of jobs, went to nursing school, moved across the country, etc. etc. I completed many other projects in the meantime. I don't know why I was able to finish it now.

Anyway, back to the quilt show. I am humbled by the quilts next to which mine hung. Mine are so amateur! The colors so outdated! There are some really talented people in our guild. I use these people to inspire and motivate me.

It is an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders to get this project done! I am free to start new projects again without guilty conscience!

An anniversary...and a few comments

I continue to work hard on my travel blog. I am up to day 10, so I'll be done soon.

This blog is a year old! I was not sure I'd continue, but I am so pleased that I did; it is good therapy. Here is my initial post. I was rereading a few of my older posts this morning. Gawd, I am terribly redundant in what I write about. I need to find some interesting new subjects on which to write. Nevertheless, this blog really helps me keep track of when things happened and how I felt.

Now, a few updates. When I was reading some posts from last winter I was reminded of all the drama involving a nurse who had hired on the unit. This was someone who had worked there before, and she and I did not get along. I was cajoled into precepting her, and it was a disaster. Guess what? She left again. I hope my boss has learned something about that person and she doesn't hire her again for a fourth time. I am so pleased - oh, how terrible and awful of me! Despite my joy, I've pretty much shut up about it at work.

Although, once I locked myself in the bathroom at work and did the happy dance, after I found out. Hee hee hee.

Regarding the correspondence from my former life in the previous post. I replied to the email and indicated possible interest. I got a reply that wasn't very warm, and the more I think about it, the less I want to deal with that crap. I could do it, and the money would be nice, but thinking of doing that work in my precious free time depresses me.

The last thing I need is a depressing situation here in the upcoming winter.

Tomorrow is my birthday again. I like it even less this year. I will be 43. What a nothing age. Well, I choose to ignore it and continue to live my life and the most passionate, interesting, energetic, healthy way I can. Time to start planning the next big trip!!

The quilt show is coming up on Nov 14-15. See the Blue Valley Quilters Guild website for details on the event. I entered four quilts - my first time entering something. Three of them are older, one is not yet completed. The incomplete quilt is my longevity project called "Mom's Quilt." It's gorgeous, but it has taken me 7 years to get it done - machine pieced and hand quilted. I finished the quilting this week. It needs binding and the usual accoutrements and then it's ready to show.

I entered it in order to force myself to finish. It worked.

Heh, I'd better go sew!

Happy today.

Ping!

I got an email today. It's from a guy I used to work with - apparently he signed on with a company I had contracted for about 5 or 6 years ago. They need some technical writing. Am I interested?

Hm.

Hm, hm.

From the email, he knows I have a new life as a nurse. I'm not a software developer any more. I don't write as much as I used to any more. I posted about the content of my writing these days and it's pretty lame. I would say I am a bit out of practice.

I don't know if he knows I live 1000 miles away now. He says he's involved in a new "life sciences practice" for this business. I wonder what that means....and I wonder if my current field is of interest now? Would it help them to have an RN, BSN affiliated with them?

I'm curious.My ego has been thirsting for something like this. I've entertained some thoughts about getting back into software from a nursing context. I've had some ideas for software to be used in the medical world.

But, careful, careful. I was miserable as a software developer. I'm deliriously happy with what I do now (at least 80% of the time...) Why would I want to mess that up?

Conflict. I wonder what I'll do?

P.S. Reader, I've been writing enthusiastically on my Lost Japan travel blog. It's been such fun - I've even posted some pictures! Check it out

Link to my Travel Blog

I've decided to blog on the trip on Geckogo, instead of here. It's a specialized topic, and I want to invite others to read my Travel blog (but not this one).

Here is the link: Lost Japan: the Bond Adventure.

It's also over to the left.

On International Travel

I actually have a very good excuse for not posting until now. I have been traveling. My husband and I went for a two-week vacation to Japan.

We had been intending to go for years. We've been planning this trip for about 6 months. On 10/3 we went. Yesterday we returned. It was truly a trip of a lifetime!

My husband and I are not uber-experienced international travelers. Yet, we did our homework and had a successful journey. We wanted to see how it "really is" in Japan, so we researched tours and travel companies and found a great company out of Australia called Intrepid Travel. They specialize in "adventures" that get you off the beaten path and get you in with the locals for a destination. Exactly what we wanted.

We took the Lost Japan trip. Turned out, it was a group of 9 of us, with 3 Americans, 3 Swiss, and 3 Australians, including the leader. We got to see places that even natives didn't know about! Travel was primarily by JR train, including the famous Shinkansen, or bullet train. We took a ferry to the island of Ojika in the Goto Retto archipelago west of Nagasaki in Southern Japan. The trip also included a few days in Tokyo and Kyoto, to experience big city life.

I filled an entire notebook of memories and descriptions of our days; I won't post it all here right now! I think I'll post highlights and summaries over the next few days.

But first, a few thoughts on International Travel.

• The plane trips are long and the "economy class" of a 747 is cramped and crowded. Unless you're very wealthy, just get used to it. Bring things to do, exercise well before and after the journey, settle in, and deal with it.
  
• Travel light. Yes, you really can live for 2 weeks out of one carry on. We did. The other members of our groups were envious of our one backpack/suitcase.
  
• Embrace the location. Use travel to get out of your normal way of living. Learn that there are other ways to live in this world. No need to get upset if you can't find coffee, toast and yogurt for breakfast! Try the green tea, soup, rice, and pickle.
  
• America isn't the best at everything. Japan beats our train system - it's no contest.
  
• Smiles and laughter go a long way, even if you don't know the language. But try to learn some of the language and don't be afraid to try it. Expect to make mistakes, and plan to laugh at it.
  

This trip did exactly what we'd hoped - pushed us out of our "comfort zone" and gave us a perspective on going some place where we don't look like everyone else; where we can't read or even sound out the words.

In my opinion, it would be great for everyone to do this at least once in their lives, especially us Americans. We get awfully complacent in our isolation and we get self-centered in our ignorance. This directly influences our foreign policy and international relations....and you know what? We're not the only country on this planet!!

The Wedding

I have been blessed to be invited to weddings through the years. Sometimes its a close friend, other times I am invited for other reasons. I am so honored when someone wants me to be a part of their special day.

Last weekend I was invited to the wedding of a friend's daughter. I had never met S, the bride, or N, the groom, but the event was special to me. I had not seen my friend, M, in about 2 and a half years. M was in my nursing school class at Duke. We accompanied each other on a life-changing transition, from IT professional to nurse.

The wedding was delightful. Of course the bride was beautiful, the groom was dashing, love was in the air. The guests were handsome and friendly, and we socialized merrily with them. I got to talk with M a few times - it was so nice to see an "old" friend! I still feel very "new" here in Kansas City and I miss the comfort of familiarity and intimacy (places, friends, routines). They had vegetarian selections on the buffet at the reception - joy! I even got to dance with M.

My husband and I stayed in a disastrous hotel room with a drippy bathroom ceiling and a locked door that could not be opened with our room key or the manager's override key. Roadwork had us wandering through unknown neighborhoods, stymied by one-way streets and no-turn signs. We got lost again and again, despite the help of a Garmin Nuvi navigation system. Just try telling Nuvi that I-64 is closed, so we can't go that way. It had no idea what to do about it so it get directing us back to I-64. Oh, it was a terrible trip , but the event made it all worthwhile.

On Sunday morning, we went up in the St. Louis arch and walked around the tourist area of downtown. We ate out and enjoyed the city so much we resolved to come for a long weekend mini vacation some time. I got another cancellation-stamp for my Passport to National Parks book. What a fun little hobby.

Now we are home, eagerly anticipating our big trip to Japan. Let us hope for smoother travels.

I hope to post/blog about the trip. We'll see how the timing goes. You may not hear from me for a while.

Baby Quilt - Ready for Droolin'

I have completed the baby quilt for L&S. It came out cute! I actually got it done before the baby was born, can you imagine?!

And I will use this opportunity to post some pictures.

Portrait view of the quilt:

I designed the quilt myself, but as you can see, it wasn't complicated piecing. Simple strips of contemporary fabrics - piecing was a flash. It's approximately 42" x 50," the size chosen for flexibility to go in a crib, on the floor as a soft mat for crawling, or lap quilt for a little boy. It could also be a wall hanging, I suppose.

Landscape view

The quilting design is where I exercised my creativity. Each strip is quilted with a different pattern. Sometimes I follow the design of the fabric, other times, I superimpose a regular pattern. I used a combination of free motion quilting and regular stitching.

Too bad the photos don't show the quilting! I am proud of my improved skill on the free motion sections.

Back View

The backing fabric is a Beatrix Potter print. Those beloved characters! Although, I wonder if kids even know who Peter Rabbit or Squirrel Nutkin are, in this generation.

Back View Detail

Look at the binding. I tried something new - an embellishment with rickrack! I sewed on the rickrack around the edge on the back using a small zig-zag stitch, lining up the edge of the rickrack with the clean quilt edge. Then I sewed on the border in the usual fashion. When I tacked it down on the back, I deliberately covered half of the rick rack to get the "bumpy" effect. It's a bias, double fold binding, which is my favorite technique. It should be very strong for baby to chew on, or drag along the floor.

The rickrack has a story: I found this olive-green rickrack in a pile of sewing notions at an estate sale. I bought the whole lot, not knowing how I would use the trims, bindings and laces. Here, I got to use one! The packages were ancient - wrapped in crinkly cellophane, marked 15 cents per pack. I love the idea of using "scraps" for quilts.

I hope they love it. I hope baby uses it as his blankie. Even if not, I have made it in love, given freely. It is my humble attempt at grace.

How Stress Manifests

For me, stress shows up in my sleep. When I have stress, worry and anxiety in my life my sleep is affected in two ways: I wake up frequently during the night and I have stress dreams. I wake up, check the clock, and then my mind gets busy and I cannot fall back asleep. It's a semi-conscious state - I'm not actively worrying, yet I am not resting deeply. If my mind is present, I usually try to focus on prayers and I pray for as many people and situations as I can think of. At least if I'm tossing and turning, I am doing something productive.

Well, I believe praying is productive use of my time.

The stress dreams are more intriguing. If I am angry at someone or something, my dreams take a violent theme. I witness an accident in which someone gets killed or gravely injured (usually I don't distinguish the difference in the dream). A disaster occurs, like a plane crash. Or, I see a car accident. Occasionally, I perform the violent act, and it's always as an accident (for example, I'm driving the car that hits someone - but I didn't see the person until it's too late).

When it's generalized stress, my dreams are stories of confusion and being lost. I am trying to get somewhere but I'm always making wrong turns, or finding the way blocked. I'm trying to do something, but I am stymied. I am puzzled in the dream, but I keep on going, only to face more challenges. I never reach my goal in the dream.

Either type of dream can be upsetting. When I wake up I am vaguely angry or upset. It takes a few hours to release the feeling.

Earlier this week, my dream was trying to return to my hotel room while visiting my alma mater, Penn State. I have not been to State College in almost 20 years, and I understand it has changed immensely. This was the theme of the dream - everywhere I thought I was going had been changed. I tried taking a detour through a fraternity complex, only to find a precarious gorge had formed in the middle of their courtyard. I had to go back. There were buildings I didn't recognize. The pathways had moved and didn't go where they were supposed to. The old places I hung out were replaced with new buildings and structures. As usual for these dreams, I never made it back to my hotel. I woke up.

There's always a real-life metaphor for these dreams. The confusion journey dreams are addressing my anxiety about our upcoming trip to Japan. I am nervous about the trip. I only know a very little Japanese and I can't read Kanji. Being out of my element is very scary...of course, that is the very reason I'm going. The experience will help me grow. Growth doesn't obliterate my fears; nevertheless, I will do it anyway.

In last night's dream, I found myself the owner of a large barn (on the property of a new house my husband and I bought). The barn was partially finished as a house, and it was full of stuff. Some of the stuff was nice, like brand new beautiful baby and children's clothes, new and used craft supplies, household items, furniture, and lots of TVs. Much of the stuff was worthless used merchandise. It was like an estate sale; it was all mine. My husband was no where to be found in the dream.

As I was surveying this stuff and trying to figure out how to organize all of it, people came and started wandering around the piles of things. They thought it was a yard sale, but nothing had been advertised or set up. Some decided they could take items; after all, I wasn't using them, I wouldn't miss them, and nothing was priced, no cashier. I confronted them, approaching them and yelling. "Why are you stealing from me?" I demanded of several people. "What are you doing? Are you taking something that is not yours? That's really not a Christian thing to do," I reprimanded another woman who tried to slip a new, fully packaged nightgown under her arm. (I remember thinking in the dream that I don't know if she's Christian, so maybe I shouldn't say that...)

I know where the yelling came from. It was a replay of an event at work yesterday. I actually yelled at the family member of a patient! I kicked her off the unit.

Whoa. Out of character for meek li'l ole me.

The situation was getting ugly. The woman was having a loud argument with someone on the phone using extremely foul language. First, I shut the door to the patient's room. She was so loud you could hear her down the hall even with the door shut.

I stormed in and told her forcefully and clearly how inappropriate her behavior was. No one needs to hear language like that; this is a hospital. I want you to act like an adult or take it out of here. She left. She didn't argue with me, although she pointed out that I didn't know what was going on. That's true, I said, but I do know that her behavior here was inappropriate.

Holy crap. I've never been that assertive before in my whole life. It was difficult, scary, stressful, and yet it was the right thing to do. No one else was around to take a stand, I just did it.

Doing something out of character like that is stressful. It was a tough day all around; hence the stress dream. Hence the fact that I woke up at 0500 am. Hence I'm posting (and trying to exorcise the demon) so early on a Saturday morning.

School Days

This morning I work up very early but stayed in bed, trying to go back to sleep. I thought about what I should write about on this blog. My last few posts have been rather uninteresting and I thought about the first few months when I had stories I was eager to tell. My mind was flooded with ideas I should write about. They have since slipped my mind, and I wonder where my inspiration went. This morning I had a good idea, and here it is.

My Elementary School Teachers

When you're a kid you never think you'll forget the teachers you had in school. Now, I don't remember all of them, but before they all leave my brain, here is a brief remembrance of my teachers and my early school years.

Preschool: Miss Mary, who taught preschool out of her house in our neighborhood. Her house backed up on Crystal Lake, and one of the fun activities during preschool was fishing in the back yard to catch sunnies using blue cheese for bait.

Kindergarten: Mrs. Dahlquist in Heights School in Oakland NJ. She was near the end of her teaching career when she was my teacher. I remember her as being a grandmotherly figure, and I generally liked her. I remember feeling very safe in her class. She maintained pretty good discipline. I got in trouble once (at least once, shall I say), playing with my friends when I was supposed to be quieting down for class. I had to stand out recess that day.

First Grade: Miss Bird, also in Heights School. She was young, probably a new graduate or one or two years out. She wore those mod '70s mini dresses in double knit polyester in bright colors, and she wore pant suits. She had reddish brown hair in a bouffant-like flip (much like "Nikki Blonski" character in Hairspray, the movie). She was kind of plump. I enjoyed her class, but it went too slow for me. My best friend Ellen and I cut up a bit because we were bored. By the end of the year Ellen and I got scared that we'd be held back, so we shaped up.

Second Grade: Mrs. Serio, in Lincoln School in Wyckoff, NJ. I was the new kid that year since we'd moved the summer between first and second grade. The other new kid was Judy Seaver. We sort of became friends. This new school was weird. It didn't have a cafeteria! We had to bring our lunch every day! You could buy milk and ice cream bars, though.

Third Grade: Mrs. Christie. She was known to run the classroom with an iron hand. I was scared of her at first, but learned to appreciate her over time. She was very thin and wore a neat teased hairstyle. She strove to teach us impeccable handwriting and would not tolerate our small fingers touching the exposed wood near the point of the pencil. "Fingers off the wood!" she'd exclaim. She also made us sit up straight when writing, not hunch over our work.

Mid year we "earned" our pens when our cursive script was neat enough not to have to be erased as much. I don't think I was the first to earn one in class, but I did get the first black pen (everyone else had blue). It was a badge of honor for me! Several years after she was my teacher, she became good friends with my mother, who had been elected to the school board in town. Reflecting on her now, I suspect she was a very intelligent lady. As I child, I naturally didn't appreciate that quality.

Mrs. Christie had a bulletin board in the classroom in which we all chose jobs around the classroom for a week. Some of the jobs that come to mind were "plants," watering the plants in the classroom, "erasers," clapping out the blackboard erasers, "messenger," run notes to the office or elsewhere for the teacher, "flag," lead the pledge of allegiance every morning and choose the patriotic song to sing from our repertoire, and "chairs," make sure all the chairs were put upside down on the desks at the end of the day. Certain jobs were coveted among the kids, especially messenger. Personally, I enjoyed doing plants; I was afraid I'd get lost in the school if I were messenger. Mrs. Christie set up her plants such that the pot sat in a deep saucer of water. These saucers were to be kept filled. I don't know how those plants survived, but they did.

Fourth Grade: Mrs. Orr, still in Lincoln School. I was delighted to have her because she had a reputation among the students for being nice. And she was super nice. Spelling was a big topic for fourth grade. In her class, I had a huge crush on Jimmy, an outgoing, ever-smiling kid with white-blond hair. It was not reciprocated. I think another little boy in my class, Steven, had a crush on me. He was a "bad boy" though and I never knew how to relate to him; so I concluded that I just didn't like him. Another milestone this year was wearing a retainer for my teeth. Braces came at the end of the year. Mrs. Orr had a retainer too, and she helped me feel not so bad about having to wear it.

Fourth grade we all learned how to play the recorder.

Fifth Grade: Mrs. Nally. I don't remember much about 5th grade. A few snapshots come to mind: two girls that alternated between being my friends and being my enemies: Gina and Rosalee. Gina was all hot and popular because her family knew the family of Ace Frehley of the band Kiss and she'd always talk about "so totally normal" he was in real person. That impressed us. She also developed breasts early. The boys were interested, and that whole dimension came into existence. Fifth grade is when we all learned about menstruation and adolescence.

I believe this is the year I started playing clarinet. I really wish I could remember the music teachers names! There were a total of four music instructors at the school. One guy did woodwinds. Another did brass and percussion. A third taught strings. The fourth one, the only woman, did the basic music teaching - singing and basic music concepts (which everyone had to take). Instrumental music was optional.

Sixth Grade: Alas, this is the first one I can't remember! Mrs. Stonebridge or something like that. She was an older woman, probably in her late 40s to early 50s. with salt-and-pepper hair in a stylish wave. I liked her well enough. A milestone I remember from this year was that this was the first year I made it through an entire school year without crying at school. Such things are important to the school age child!

Other topics in elementary school:
I enjoyed art class and instrumental music in school. I did not like physical education. I was shy and came from a reserved household in which girls weren't supposed to like gym or exercise.

One gym teacher I remember was Mr. Rydell. He was a good guy - he had an odd way of pointing at you using two fingers - the index finger and the pinky finger. Every year we had Field Days and the whole school was divided up into red and blue teams. Mr. Rydell was heavily involved in these activities.

My elementary school years were 1970-1978. It seemed like an entire lifetime when I lived through it. Now, 8 years go by in a whoosh.

Productive

I've had a productive couple of weeks. I've had some time off from work, and I've been working on my projects.

The baby quilt is completely quilted and trimmed. All I need now is the binding. I'm excited about the binding because I'm going to sandwich in some rick rack between the binding and the quilt. It'll make a merry little detail to the back. I hope they don't worry that it's too feminine a quilt - the backing is a cute Beatrix Potter print with characters from her stories. the background of this print is beige, and in certain lights it looks a little pinkish. The front of the quilt is strip pieced in blue, green and brown prints. The dad receiving this baby quilt is definitely a man's man - the kind that would freak out over something pink for his boy.

Might turn him into a fag, donchaknow. Heh, yeah, right.

When I picked out the fabric for this gift, no one knew that it was going to be a boy. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

I should I post some photos of this quilt. It's cute.

I also finished my first crochet scarf. It's a mesh-like pattern of double crochet with chain stitches, interspersed with long rows of a fun-fur like yarn. This gives it a punch of color (multi-color, actually) and makes it soft and fuzzy. I even put the long fringes on the end, also made of the fur yarn.

I am refreshed and grounded. Ready to get back to work and get back to sewing.

Too Much Work

I am working too much. I have had to go in on many of my days off for training classes and meetings such that I'm in at least 4 days a week. This week it's 5 days, in a row.

I know what you're thinking. "Most people work 5 days, so quit your bitchin'."

You are right, dear reader. Nevertheless, I am tired and feeling a bit overworked. Work is not so much fun - and on Monday, I walked on the unit (barely on time) to find out I was surprise precepting (orienting) the new hire. Surprise! I thought I could get away without having to precept him again, because I didn't especially enjoy doing it last time. The last minute change to my plan for the day is stressful to me. Additionally, the new hire guy has this "Robin Williams" kind of schtick he does in an attempt to be funny or likable or to deal with his stress or something. It gets on my nerves after a while.

I am looking forward to the weekend. I have 5 days off in a row; a rare gift. Oh. Wait. Make that 4.5 days off in a row. I have to go in to work on my first day off, Friday, for a meeting. Middle of the afternoon. Yippee.

I just want to sew and quilt and enjoy my beautiful backyard right now. Just a little humble fun.

Fall comes early

It seems like fall has arrived early. The weather has been very pleasant in the midwest with cool mornings and warm days. Sunny and clear. I barely got enough heat from the 3 weeks of hot summer to thaw me out from the winter. Yet, here we go again, back to the darkness and cold.

My garden has been delightful. I have had a great crop of cucumbers and plenty of basil and parsley. The tomatoes are few but delicious. Four fat eggplant berries drip voluptuously from their stems. It is almost too late; now is the time to get working on fall crops. I hope to get a few more rows of carrots in, some arugula, and another cabbage. One cabbage is in and it's hanging on after a vicious attack from little green caterpillars. Its partner did not make it - my dog Winnie decided she needed that baby cabbage plant, picked it up (peat pot and all), and carried it across the yard. She tasted it for good measure. It never recovered.

Quilting work has been slow and pensive. I have been interested to work on my "Mom's Quilt" project, a large pieced wall hanging started in September 2001. I remember the exact date because I bought the fabrics over the weekend after the 9/11 attacks. We had gone up to visit Mom and Dad and see a Penn State / University of Virginia football game. Like many public events right after the attacks, the game was cancelled. Instead, we went to Dayton VA and visited a quilt museum and shopped in a quaint Mennonite village. There we found the beautiful fabrics for this wall hanging.

I am terribly remiss in this project. It is 7 years old, after all. I am hand quilting it, and that is why it is taking so long. I got frustrated with marking the quilt for the quilting. The quilting goes along fine. I am so close to done, I really have no excuse not to finish it. Thank goodness I have the motivation to pick it back up. Progress was stalled recently because my dog, Winnie, decided she needed to floss her teeth, and my spool of quilting thread was just the thing.

Detect a theme here? Dogs...

I'm always doing more projects, though. I have more fabric for my "Aunt Millie's Garden" quilt, but I haven't started sewing on it just yet. Much of the prep work is done. Yesterday I bought some yarn for a bulky knitted sweater, thanks to a nice sale at Michael's (an arts and crafts store). It's a nice rust color, in Lion Brand's Thick and Quick wool blend yarn. I haven't made any more blocks for the log cabin bed quilt - I think I have completed around 60 out of the 80 needed. Gettin' there....

My latest whim is learning crochet. It's a little pastime, nothing serious. The look of crochet does not excite me except in certain applications (like edging lace). It's quite easy, so another fun thing to do.

Life goes on. I am neither happy nor sad. I am busy, but I want to be lazy. I want to be home doing my own things. I have indulged this feeling for the summer - if I didn't mention it in a previous post, I decided to quit the singing group after all. It just wasn't fun. More of my time is my time and I am satisfied.

As usual, I dread the coming winter. I need a plan to fight the oncoming depression. More on that later.

Fatigue

How can I be tired? I get plenty of rest. I eat well, and I get exercise. Yet today, I am tired. It is my 5th day off in a row so I should be well rested by now.

Last night, I was awakened by a blistering headache. It was about 2:30 AM and I was awake for about 1 hour. At first I tried repositioning. I got up finally and took some Ibuprofen. My muscles felt achy so I tried massaging and stretching my shoulders and hips. Next, I got up and did some gentle yoga stretches on the floor next to my bed. I could not believe how sore and tight I felt. Slowly, the ibuprofen kicked in and I was able to relax and go to sleep again.

I slept in late! Until 8:15! What could have made me so tired?

Yesterday, I got a lot done, including walking the dog, cleaning out the back yard after the new fence had been put in, and mowing the lawn. I called it quits before running the weed-whacker and using the blower to clean off debris from the driveway and sidewalks. In the afternoon I completed a number of errands and shopping. Complete the day by cooking dinner and doing a few chores after dinner.

Sounds like a busy day to me. You'd think 8 hours of sleep would be enough. Guess not.

Last weekend, a friend from the east coast came to visit for a few days. We had a grand time - busy with sight-seeing and visiting. No chores done so I have to catch up on them on the days following.

When I feel so tired, I get concerned. I wonder if it's something monumental in my health. A nighttime throbbing headache makes me fear that it's a burst aneurysm, and now I await the loss of consciousness. Should I wake my husband, so I have some hope of being saved from my brain bleed?

Eh, it's probably just a headache.

The fatigue makes me wonder if something silent is lurking within - ovarian cancer? Pancreatic cancer? Brain tumor? Worse yet, old age?

Logic usually saves me from my fear. Where logic fails, faith kicks in - well if it's my time, so be it. I'd rather go than be prolonged in a semi conscious state.

Discipline of Blogging

I want to become a better writer. One of my motivations for creating this blog was to practice writing. Part of the discipline of writing is to write when you may not otherwise feel like writing. So it is today.

I used to write more in my previous jobs - they were technical documents, such as system specifications and design documents. I wrote more email. In nursing school I wrote copiously - papers, care plans, study guides, and other assignments. I never thought I'd miss writing because I used to dislike how much writing I did. Now, I find a do miss it a little.

As a hospital staff nurse, I don't write much at all. I write notes on patients' charts, yes, but that writing is extremely functional, curt, and efficient. There are some creative aspects of the writing - using the fewest words that stuff the most information in. Creativity cannot outweigh functionality and I see the only real purpose of creativity is to demonstrate that I actually thought about what I was writing. This would be creativity in stating the same thing using different words and adding little personal bits that show I was talking about this specific patient. I must not include opinion or speculation and to the best of my ability, I must defend all my actions legally with these words. The words must prove that I followed the hospital's standard of practice in the unlikely event that I will have to defend myself (and the hospital) in court.

I hope I never end up at a deposition. It will be scary, embarrassing, and it could end my nursing career.

The only place I (consciously) indulge in opinion in my notes is when I write discharge notes. I want to write all my notes in the computerized charting system, yet one part of our nursing documentation remains on paper. It is called the "Interdisciplinary Plan of Care," or IPOC. Supposedly, all disciplines within the hospital are supposed to consult this thing and document on it. In reality it's a piece of paper there for the regulatory boards benefit and for the pleasure of the executives of the hospital. Nurses fill out this paper on admission, and it is here that we are to document every time we teach something to a patient. Thus, when we go over the patient's discharge instructions, we are "teaching," and we document it on that sheet.

As a result, I have to write two notes on discharge: one on the electronic record, one on the paper IPOC. I resent having to write on the paper. In the electronic record note I usually write something like this:

Patient discharge teaching completed. See IPOC for details on individualized teaching topics.

This is my way of saying "I did the teaching, but nyah, nyah, you have to go look at the paper chart to find out what that teaching was. If I can't document it here conveniently with the rest of my discharge documentation, then I'm not going to make it convenient for you, the reader, to get to it either."

It's a moot point, because who the hell reads my charts and my notes after discharge? No one.

But maybe one day, if I am unlucky, someone will read it. On that day it will give me personal satisfaction and hopefully not impact the deposition.

On a related topic, I was recently reading Oprah's magazine, and in it there was an article about Ben Affleck's recommended books. He recommends Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style." I haven't looked at that book in ages. I think I should look it over again. I feel rusty and out of practice. I certainly don't think Ben Affleck has the answers to life's questions...his article merely reminded me what a good resource it is. Who couldn't use a little reminding not to write too much?

Age hits me

This weekend I got a call from a friend from college. We had a really nice conversation, but I left it feeling old. Her daughter just finished her first year of college. When did I get old enough to have a friend with a kid in college?

Yeh. Over the last 19 years, mush-for-brains.

As we talked, the conversation centered on her kids, her health, and her job. We talked a little about me - I did more listening this time. It was alright with me to do so. I was secretly pleased to hear of her health issues - that's one thing I did better than her! My health is good, hers is not so much. I know, I know...this is terrible of me to admit, and I certainly don't wish ill health on her and she hasn't had an easy life, by any stretch of the imagination. She is closer to the norm of a 40 something female in America at this time - divorced, overweight, single-Mom, lonely and looking for answers, working in an underpaid female dominated industry, and two of her kids are learning disabled. Scraping by in the economy, but rich in relationships. She embodies American society.

In this human form, in our western culture, it is very hard not to compare and compete. I am not the norm. I envy her conformity, in some ways.

It is hard to transition psychologically from being the hope for the future, to being the establishment. From being young to being old. From wishing and dreaming to remembering and sometimes regretting. From having endless possibilities, to living with the consequences of your choices (good and bad).

Nobody teaches you this in a real sense. This life down here is really hard.

Whew!

I had a pretty good day at work yesterday and I would like to write about a few things.

My IV skills are staying about the same. I have been having some bad luck in the last several weeks but yesterday I placed 4 out of 7 attempts successfully. Not bad and I only had to get help once! I still get a thrill on placing an IV successfully - I hope that feeling lasts. And, don't worry, those 7 attempts were on 3 different people and two of them needed 2 IVs. I didn't poke 1 person 7 times!!!

I got all my paperwork done at a reasonable pace. I wasn't pushed too much. My patients were generally pleasant people. It was sunny outside and I got my lunch break on time. I got a couple of breaks. I got to chit chat with some of my favorite colleagues on the job (even one of the doctors). I am a happy woman.

One of my patients was nearly my age - about 6 months older than me. His cardiac cath revealed that he has severe coronary artery disease and he will go for bypass surgery this week. It gives me pause when my contemporaries come in, and have bad disease. You hope they are all false alarms!! He should do very well with the surgery, however, I am not sure he understands how his life will change in the future. I don't know if anyone talks to him about his risks in the future, such as possible heart rhythm changes necessitating a pacemaker, possible restentosis of the bypass grafts requiring a second bypass. If the disease continues, he will be out of options - they can only do bypass twice.

Of course, technology may be very different in 20 years and there may be more options available then.

I don't know what the "right" answer is - in this person's case, without surgery it is very likely he will die young from a massive heart attack. The kind where the person just keels over one day and hopefully doesn't survive...because if he did survive he'd likely have a lousy life remaining. There may be no value in giving him all the information about what is to come after bypass - and it may even be a detriment because it could cause him to delay or cancel the surgery with dire results.

But I digress. I've digressed along these lines before; I think the decision process for surgery is fascinating and complicated.

My point in writing about this patient is that he had two 11 year old children - twin girls - that came to see him. I found those kids insufferable. Yakkity yakkity yak. No seriousness. You'd think they'd have some sense of the situation, that Daddy's in the hospital and he's going to have major surgery. He could die. He could even die before the surgery. Nope.

On the one hand they are ignorant and I suppose their parents did not impress upon them the seriousness of the situation.

On the other hand, they are 11 years old and should have some idea about what a hospital is and why people go there, and such. Maybe no one ever taught them about it.

Maybe Mom and Dad don't appreciate the situation, either.

Broken family. Naturally, Mom and Dad are divorced. Dad's "main family contact" is his ex-wife. I just don't get that. If you need to remove someone as intimate as a spouse from your life, why do you continue to hang around with them? When you have broken the family, why do you continue to act as a family when it's convenient?

My subject for this post refers to how relieved I was that I was turned off by the kids. Yes, I am not parent material after all, and despite my doubts, not being a parent is really the right thing.

The Poker Group

I belong to a poker group. Nothing formal, we get together about every 2 weeks at someone's house and play Texas Hold 'Em, no limit tournament style. A little bit of money is involved. I have learned how to play reasonably well, which makes it that much more fun. Some days the cards go in my favor, some times they don't. Often I get mediocre cards, and the trick is all in how I play them. Much like life.

I think about poker and the differences in how women and men play. As you might guess, as a female, I am in the minority - I'm usually not alone, but last night was pretty typical - 4 men, 2 women. It was an average night of play for me; I was out early in the first game, but took second place in the second game. Taking home some money satisfies me. As long as I play fairly well and get a few good hands, I am happy. Of course I prefer to win, but it's not like the men. They really like to win.

Men like to bluff in a poker game. They like to get the better of someone by bullshitting them, achieving this seems to be a badge of honor. As I thought a bit, I saw similarities in the poker bluff and to men go about pursuing women when dating - they try to bluff their way into seeming just a little bit richer, more clever, luckier, more glib, more socially connected, etc. than they really are. That's all in the game. If the poker bluff fails, they still get admiration from their peers - that was a ballsy move.

I generally don't bluff. Every once in a while I try it and occasionally it works. Sometimes my bluff starts out legitimate, and it falls apart when the flop, turn, and river are revealed. Usually I stop my losses when I see my chances slip away, I'm such a wimp!

Experience has helped. I know what a good hand is and I pretty much know how to bet it. I could learn more about pot odds, reading other players' actions better, modifying my behavior to play the cards I have better. Practice and a little research would help; in fact, I read most of Phil Hellmuth's book on Texas Hold 'Em and it improved my game significantly. It gave me a different way of thinking about the game and the players.

I doubt I'd ever make any real money playing poker. It's fun. It's social. And most importantly, it's something my spouse and I do together. Very valuable.

Did you get that in the last post?

No one needs me.

Yearning for Adventure

In my quest to become the type of person I admire, I have made some changes in my life. One of the motivations of my career change was to become one of those career changers - I have admired them, and now I am one!

Near the end of my 30s I realized how few places I have been in the world. I admire those young people who put off their careers in order to travel. I admire people who speak more than one language. I want to be like them and I made the resolution to do it. This is one reason why I started to learn Spanish on my own. I figured I was getting older anyway. Might as well learn something and be a little smarter at 48 than I was at 38....

The trip to Japan in October is a result of this desire to become more experienced in international travel. I have only rarely been in a place where I was totally different, where the culture and the environment is so very different. I think it will be good for me to experience some culture shock. See other ways to live.

Once I did go to Israel with a church group. I was eager to get away from the safety of the tour group (when possible) and try to get around on my own. I did. In the market place of Jerusalem, in the old city, the vendors shouted out to me in German. Not English....until I muttered "no, thank you." Then their trinkets cost one dollar, not ein deutchmark.

I am a free woman. I don't have my own family to tie me down. My job is terrific but not something I feel compelled to keep at all costs. I have a house and pets, and I enjoy my activities in my community. Yet, I am free. My friendships are fluid, not binding. My family of origin is not dependent on me. I am not a caregiver (except professionally). No one needs me. I am healthy, and I do have some money.

So why don't I exploit my situation?

I don't know. Why don't I?

A coworker brought to my attention the lifestyle of being a travel nurse to the middle east. Saudi Arabia, to be precise. The pay is outrageous, the money is not taxed in the kingdom, and the lifestyle is supported (housing, transportation, etc.). There's 7 weeks of vacation a year, when I could visit Europe or Africa. There's an active expat community living in specialized housing to insulate me from the middle eastern culture when I would want it.

This coworker is thinking seriously about doing it - she is a free woman as well. How fun it would be to go with her and have a year-long adventure half way around the world, and be much richer in many ways for doing it.

To be honest, the idea has interested me. Could I do it? Would I do it?

Fear keeps me from really thinking about it seriously. I mean, there's so much to arrange. Who will take care of my dear pets? What about the house? My car? My job? What about my parents?

Fear is a lousy excuse. My husband could probably get work there, himself, being in the computer field. And he said that he could be talked into it.

I wonder...

Griselda in da House

Eleanor Roosevelt called her episodes of depression "Griselda moods." I am experiencing one now, for the past week or so. It is rarely caused by one incident, usually a few downers happen at a time when I am vulnerable. Here I am...if my posts are somewhat melancholy for the next few weeks, this is why.

The following sequence of events caused my downturn. First, I learned that my friend who got me into the Summer Singers told me that she won't be able to sing this year after all. I don't know any one else in the group. Yeah, I know, I can meet people, and I probably will, yet I am disappointed. I skipped a rehearsal last week, and I gave myself some unnecessary guilt over that.

Then, the mediocre charge nurse performance. Then guilt about not getting my stuff done at work and going in on a Saturday. Only to be sent home early on Monday. I mean, really, people.

On Saturday night I went out for dinner with a women's group at my church. I keep hoping that group will be a community for me, but it keeps disappointing me. After a year, I am still the newbie, and the others all have a long history together. They talk about all the fun things they've done with their mutual friends. I do make an effort to change the topic of conversation to something I can participate in, but it doesn't succeed for long. And there's one woman who constantly expounds on how intelligent and insightful her little boy is. He just says and does the most *fascinating* things! Heh. I barely even know the 5 year old and I just don't find that kind of topic all that interesting. It makes me think there's a great disconnect between me and that group. Maybe I need a different group.

At work this week, I went in for my meeting (on my day off, might I add) and only two people showed up. I drove in on a day I didn't want to for the honor of being ignored. Great. At least I got paid.

And they wanted me to be charge nurse again this week, two days in a row. After my previous performance, I was hesitant and anxious about screwing up again. I did it anyway. I did OK - some mistakes, some successes (see my post from yesterday).

During the week, I got an email from an old friend from North Carolina, whom I haven't heard from since December 2007. The email was basically: Hi - how are you - I know I haven't written, but I've been so busy, it's just crazy - can't wait to hear from you again - more later...

I replied with a nice update on my life now. Realistically, I expect to hear from her again sometime about January 2009 after she receives her Christmas Card. Hrmph. At least I was pretty sure this is where his friendship was going to go when we moved.

The latest thing happened last night. We had poker at our house and it was poorly attended. We haven't had a group together in at least 6-8 weeks since the last time we hosted at our house, and we were getting concerned the group was falling apart. It looks like it is....the keystone guy who had kept it running got married last year and now there's a rugrat on the way. He has fallen off the face of the earth. We will probably never hear from him again.

I hate that. I mean, what the fuck? Why to people think they have to do that? They just turn their back on their friends when they become parents, give up their previous life and disappear forever?

But, I know, I know, this is the way life is. This is the way people are. He'll probably pop back into our lives 2 or 3 more times over the next 2 years, and then he'll be gone completely. When the second one is born. Then he'll have his midlife crisis because he whacked out his life and resents it. Then they'll divorce. All that bullshit.

It makes me angry and sad. I do not like to be rejected (who does?). I hear the message that despite earlier evidence to the contrary, I am not important. I also do not like my social calendar messed up - I mean, poker was something my husband and I did together, and I scheduled my calendar around it. I tried not to work on Fridays, specifically for poker. Now it looks like either we (or the one other die-hard) will have to take over the group. It is at high risk of failing.

Now, I feel lonely. Indeed I can (and do) seek others out. I keep busy. I do my strategies as I've described in a previous post. I think this mood is going to be one I will function through but have to wait out.

The charge nurse

Despite having conflicting feelings about being a charge nurse, I did it again this week. Twice.

What is a charge nurse?

The charge nurse (or unit coordinator, as we officially call it) is a role where you are responsible for the assignments of the nurses to patients, the influx and outflow of patients from a unit, and the main contact for all things that go on in the unit during your shift. I work in a busy outpatient area so there are lots of comings and goings.

In some ways, it is the management of the bin-packing problem in real life. A little translation for all you computer people out there.

The computer people will also know that the bin-packing problem is NP-complete, meaning it is impossible to solve optimally real time. Nevertheless, life is full of such problems and we have to work within them.

Patients come to us in a pseudo-random fashion with different needs and requirements. We have to put them in a room with a nurse assignment, get them ready for procedure (which is a variable task), and recover them (which is also variable). We have capacities - number of rooms, number of nurses, number of techs, etc. The labs that we supply and receive patients from has a different capacity than we have - they get patients in and out faster than we do. They have fewer rooms, though.

So the task involves the simple numbers game as well as various heuristics - how long do we think we'll have to recover, how much of a prep do we have to do, how many patients does each nurse have, what time of day is it, and more. Experience helps with anticipating how things will go.

Another responsibility of the charge nurse is to keep everyone happy (as much as possible). By "happy" I mean that their needs are met. The doctors, your staff, your peer organizations, your manager, the housekeepers (who clean up the rooms between patients), and indirectly, the patients, all demand attention from the charge nurse. Naturally personalities come into play! Additionally, everyone sees the charge nurse's role a little differently depending on the needs they have. Everyone expects their needs to be served exclusively. Yeah, no kidding.

My Experience in the Charge Nurse Role

Personally, I liked the challenge. It touches on those industrial engineering urges I had years ago in undergraduate college - I took one IE/CS course and I thought it was kinda cool. Optimization problems. Efficiency. Math. Neat-o. It's like playing Tetris in real life.

The personality dimension of the job is my challenge. Like I said, everyone sees the charge nurse's actions from their own perspective and prejudice, and not everyone is self-aware enough to consider, even for a moment, that maybe there are other forces that resulted in a particular decision. Some people will assume that "you hate them." Or "you're out to get them." Or you're just looking for a chance to "screw them over" or tell them how "dumb they are," and how much "smarter/ cooler/ powerful you are." Some people will conclude that you're incompetent. Then they react to you angrily. Or, they play the two-faced game in which they act all nice to you, but bitch about it behind your back to their peers. I think that's a typical female tactic, although...I've seen the male doctors do that crap, too. Instead of their peers, they complain to the manager.

These things are, in fact, their own problems, and everyone has a moment now and again. Yet, I am sensitive to this - I try so hard to be fair and equitable... but sometimes, the situation is just difficult. I am a highly conscientious person, and to be perceived as careless or spiteful is vexing!

To be completely honest, of course I have my own problems too which I try to put aside. I am human and prone to react to similar (perceived) assaults on the self.

The nurse that was rehired a few months ago (whom I posted about) knows just how to push my buttons. Last week when I was charge nurse for the first time, she did it. As charge nurse, you really can't just avoid someone, like a floor nurse can, and in trying to act as the charge nurse, I apparently got "in her stuff" too much. Then, two days ago she was also on staff when I was charge nurse. I tried a different strategy - staying out of her stuff, only touching base when necessary. That seemed to work...we'll see if that's a viable tactic in the future. I might need to get some feedback or do some reading on how to deal with difficult people in a management position.

I did like the problem, the communication, the juggling. It was scary and exhilarating when things got really busy mid afternoon yesterday. With practice, I think I'll be able to keep my cool better. Each day I worked as charge nurse, I got a little bit better and I would anticipate that trend to continue.

Future

I wonder if I could create a simulation program to develop a schedule and assignments. I see a number of factors I could encode or represent statistically. For example, the flow of patients through our unit seems to be a true random distribution, not evenly distributed at all. I wonder if there are other distributions that could model behaviors on our unit. I see such a program as a management assistance tool - like initial assignments and a reference as the day progresses.

Eh, just a thought. I'll see if this problem bugs me enough to give it a try.

Maybe this is my million dollar idea???

Remarkable Things I've Done

Here are some things I've really done that I think are pretty amazing. They are in no particular order.

1. Made a CD with a choral group
   
2. Performed a Senior Recital in college
   
3. Have a patented invention
   
4. Earned a living as an independent contractor
   
5. Made several quilts
   
6. Taught a college class (One class, not a whole semester, but still...)
   
7. Earned a Master's Degree
   
8. Changed careers at age 40
   
9. Published a several papers at research conferences
   
10. Forgave a debt ...and learned never to loan money to friends
    
11. Avoided getting a speeding ticket
    
12. Reviewed several technical books before they were published
    
13. Sang at Duke Chapel
    
14. Managed a group software developers
    
15. Learned Spanish and Japanese on my own
    
16. Saw a baby being born
    
17. Earned the Arc of Epsilon Pi
    
18. Got a 4.0 average one semester in undergraduate college
    
19. And, just today, served as a charge nurse at a major hospital for a unit
    

Serving as a charge nurse was, well, interesting. I have wanted to do it for a while and was honored when they finally asked. It wasn't terrible, and it wasn't great. I'll have to think a bit more about it and digest the experience before I write more.

Mixed Nuts

I have been browsing other people's blogger blogs. Mine is so plain. However, I don't have the motivation to make it that much better. I like the theme I've chosen, with the orange colors and such. Ironically, in real life, I don't like orange at all.

Patients

Last week that kid that I blogged about was back. I literally felt ill to my stomach when I saw him on the schedule. Fortunately, I was not assigned to him, and I just steered clear. He was somewhat better behaved for the other nurse.
Bastard.

For at least the third time, I was assigned a family member of someone who works in my hospital. I wonder if this is coincidence or what. The family member was fine. The person who worked at my hospital, let's call her Mabel, behaved pretty well. However, she thinks I'm a big doofus. And as luck would have it, I made all kinds of rookie mistakes while she was in the room - nothing harmful, just things that made me look dumb. I succeeded in looking like a total dork. Oddly, it didn't bother me that much - Mabel no longer works in a department related to mine, so I don't see her much anymore. No love lost there. It was rather nauseating to see all the former coworkers cooing over Mabel. She wasn't everyone's friend.

Hm. Come to think of it, the doctors were the one who were gushing. Her former peers kinda kept their distance.

House Stuff

I found another fence contractor who will do the job. This is good. I think I'll hire them.

Church

I like my church. I have an odd philosophy about church - I am in it only for me.

I mean this in the sense that I go to church for my well-being and for my relationship with God. Not because I expect others to want me there. Not because anyone is supposed to care whether I show up or not. Not because I am a member and I'm supposed to be there. Not because there's any social benefit in my being seen, my participating in any committee, or my popularity as a performer. Not because my husband wants me to go (which never happens). No, I go for me.

These external motivations never fail to disappoint. If I don't show up, no one gives a damn. No one asks where's Lauren? We haven't seen Lauren and Mr. in weeks. Wonder where they are? Nope.

In my previous church I even stopped pledging money. No one asked me why. No one asked me to give more. No one thanked me for giving as much as I did.

I am anonymous. However, God has saved me from several difficult situations and saved my life. I am a devoted servant, albeit an imperfect one. God knows. I go to church anyway.

Realization.

Holy shit.

I live in Kansas.

I have lived here 4 years. I am no longer a newcomer.

Eh, it's just middle aged angst. Really.

Negative

Despite the daily horoscope giving me a 5-star day, I am negative today. Weather again. It has been gray and rainy and yukky humid. At least it's warm...but the gray diminishes the light. It brightened up by late afternoon and I celebrated by walking the dogs. We all enjoyed it.

I really oughta move to the equator where the days don't change.

Work was OK today. Our usual early person is out on vacation for a few weeks, and I am taking some of her early shifts. Today was one of them. I got into work at 6:00 am, which is awfully early for me. Turned out, it was not a busy day...I ended up clocking out at approximately 3:15 pm. I will be short hours this week, undoubtedly. I don't like when it's so slow at work. I get to feeling useless. If I am useless at work, then why can't I go do something else? I hate wasting my energy on nothingness. Bleh, and I couldn't get my IV on my guy either. He had leather skin.

I got home and I was tired. I am tired a lot. I nap a lot. In fact, I napped again today. I generally get enough sleep at night, I just like to nap and I have gotten in the habit. If I was motivated I could have gone to the Monday yoga class. I was not so motivated. I plan to do yoga tomorrow morning. I have greater motivation in the morning.

Singing

At the suggestion of my choir director at church, I had signed up for the Summer Singers of Kansas City. It's a no-audition group that meets during the summer only. We'll put on one concert in August. I thought it would be fun - my first rehearsal was last Tuesday evening, and I thought it was OK. It usually takes me a while to warm up to a new group and feel a part of it. I was hoping for instant infatuation, no such luck. Seems like a nice group people, and I was pleased to see that I actually knew some of the music for the program. Curiously, one of the sopranos in my section is blind and she seems to have braille music - fascinating.

Gardening

The garden looks great. I pulled an onion for a salad last week, and I found it very exciting. A darling little onion - who knew I could grow an onion? Small wonder....

The radishes are mostly duds - I suspect my fertilization ratio is not optimal for root crops. After I realized the roots were all underdeveloped, I put down some fertilizer with a higher phosphorus percentage on the radish section and the carrot sections. I hope it will have a positive impact on the carrots. I think it's too late for the remaining radishes and I may try again in the early fall. I will replace the radish section with a bush bean, which is sprouting inside right now. It's a wax bean, actually. I'm not too fond of green beans.

Quilting

Last Tuesday, I was chewed out by a member of my quilt guild. She had asked to be in a quilt bee (I coordinate them) and I did some work to get her into one, but it fell through. It was partially my fault, partially communication problems, and partially circumstance. Made me feel like quitting the guild, she was so mean. True I let her down, but jeez, this is a volunteer thing.

I knew the feeling would pass (it did) and I learned something about her. She's really blunt and opinionated.

I did buy the pattern for Aunt Millie's Garden. I am contemplating how to make it - I'm not sure I want a red background. However, it does make an impact! New projects are fun.

Weekend

My real weekend starts tomorrow. I have 2 days off! Cleaning, chores, quilting, baking, and enjoying my new chaise lounge sitting under the birch tree in the back yard. A new fence contractor comes out tomorrow. I hope it will work out.