A day of rest

I took Friday (yesterday) off on a whim. This grieving has been exhausting, even though I am not wailing, crying, or feeling frighteningly unstable. Really, I'm OK, but it is taking a bit more emotional energy to get through the day. That's why I wanted a day off.

It was nice. I went to a church-based rummage sale and serendipitously ran into an acquaintance there. It was a pleasant interaction...and I found some nifty little things at the rummage sale to take home. One of them was a book on terrariums - apparently terrariums are "in" again. The book was from 1973, but it still applies.  Anyway, since I drove all the way to the sale, I felt I ought to help the church out a bit and buy a few things.

Then I went shopping at the mall. I don't go to the mall very often and it was pleasant to go again. I was reminded how nice it is to have all the shops right in one place, and not to have to get in and out of a hot car in between.

Next, I picked up my serger from the Bernina shop.  I had purchased my Bernette 334DS at an estate sale, missing a few parts, and I wanted to have it serviced to make sure it is in proper working order. It's in good shape, and I got the parts I needed. Now all I need is to learn how to use it. Fortunately, they have a teacher!

Then I stopped by Target. I had been eyeing a small shelf unit for my sewing room which happened to be on sale this week. I picked up a number of other things we needed.

By the time dear husband came home from work, I had planned a good dinner. I had the time to make something good - I made some stuffed zucchini with fried couscous cakes (something like pancakes) on the side. The meal came out delicious.  Both recipes were from Martha Stewart's Everyday Food magazine. I recently got a free copy of that magazine, and I'm coming to like it.

In the evening, I worked on my hexagon quilt and one of Mom's cross stitch projects, while watching Burn Notice, one of my current favorite shows. I have a huge crush on Michael Westen, the main character. Sure, actor Jeffery Donovan is easy on the eyes, but really, it's Michael that I pine for. (Since he's fictional, this crush is safe.) This season he has slightly longer hair that looks just so sexy...oh my, he just makes my heart aflutter.

In all it was a nurturing day, just what I needed.

What is it like to grieve?

Grieving is a personal process. We all have our own paths through the darkness of grieving when we lose someone we love. I can only talk about my own process, which I will do here, a little. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but I do want to work through what I need to work through.

I do not feel like there was anything major unresolved between my mother and me. We had come to a comfortable place in the last 10 years or so, able to respect each others differences but still enjoy each other. There are some things I would have liked to ask her, but it's OK that I did not. Knowing the answer would not change who I am.

Still, there are many things that make me sad about her dying. In my naturally selfish way, they are mostly about me.

• I will miss the presents she gave me. It's not the presents themselves that I will miss, it's that she knew me well and thought about me and thought about things I would like. She was very personal in this way. It helped fulfill my need to be known.  My husband does not understand how much presents mean to me....again, not for the present itself, but for the intention and thought put into them. I try to do this for my friends and family. It takes effort...that's why I value it.
• I will miss hearing "Hi Laur!" on the answering machine. I spoke with her about every week. Mostly we talked about nothing in particular - what's going on in her life, my stories from work, the weather, cooking, crafting, gardening, blah blah blah. I don't have another friend I talk with on the phone regularly. Mostly I email, now.
• I will miss visiting her. I will miss how she would cook special things for us when we came to visit. She found vegetarian recipes to try that she saved for when we came.
• I will miss her letters and her packets of clipped coupons. She cut coupons from her newspaper inserts and mailed them to me. There was a time when those coupons really helped, but I haven't needed them for years. I told her she didn't need to cut them any more, but she kept on. It was another way she told me she cared, and I continued to accept that.
• I will miss buying things for her. She also loved to receive stuff. She kept a lot of stuff, but she also did know the value of being thought of. 
• I will miss being connected to the larger family. She was our kin-keeper. I will probably lose touch with everyone on her side of the family ...well, on second thought, maybe not. I have some kin-keeping tendencies. 

According to the books, I can expect about 2 more months of being in the throes of grief. I feel much more stable than the first two weeks. I guess the shock is worn off.

I don't know what is to come, what more I have to deal with.

Right now, I feel like the world is a much more lonely place for me.

Emerging from the pit

I'm posting from my parents home a few hours before I start my trip home. This was a difficult week - yeh, that's an understatement.

• Quick travel plans
• Putting together a memorial service and a reception
• Stress, inability to sleep
• Too hot, too cold in the hotel room
• No appetite
• Sorting through Mom's things
• Taking things to charities for donation
• Brother's birthday
• Bad summer storms
• Power outage
• Getting locked out of the house and how we resolved that (breaking a window, yay)
• Not being able to ship my stuff home
• Worry that my flight may get delayed or canceled
• Worry how the next few months will be

But...good things too. 

• Husband supporting me in amazing ways
• Pretty much all the relatives coming to the service.
• Making it through the service and my part of the service.
• Immediate family supporting each others' decisions.
• Support from my church

Yes, it could have been a lot worse. It could get a lot worse, still, but so far so good.

After cleaning out Mom's house, I have the urge to clean out my own house. All kinds of stuff is tucked away in boxes and drawers and closets, and it would be nice to be a little lighter. I don't know when I'll be ready to work on my quilting and crafting again.

Yet, the house is not done. Some of us need to come back and sort through the china cabinet, storage closets, and the attic. I don't know when I'll come back. I want to be home. 

My Mom Died Today

I found out my Mom died yesterday.

I don't know anything what to do. I live about 1000 miles away, I can't get there. No one I've talked to knows anything - exactly how she died, what she died of, what we will do, if they need me.

I feel like I should be doing something or carrying on; but I'm kind of numb right now. Writing on a blog is kinda the best I can do. I started writing yesterday and finished up early this morning.

Here's the story: and I'm sure I'll tell it a hundred times in the next few weeks. Mom had multiple health problems, and to some extent, we knew she probably didn't have a lot of time left. Personally, I thought it would be a little more drawn out with multiple trips to the hospital and lots of pain.  Mom was 72.

Last night, my brother called, alarmed and worried because he had called (or she had - I'm not sure) and she didn't sound right. She sounded upset. She only talked for a few minutes - and Mom could talk on the phone for hours, usually about nothing. He asked me to call her. I did, and she picked up the phone pretty quickly. She sounded a little off, but there were several logical reasons she could sound this way.

The next day (this morning), she fell and Dad couldn't get her up. They called EMS to help and they got her back up. She did not go to the hospital then, since the fall was minor - Dad says she slid out of a chair.

The day proceeded as normal, according to Dad. She went to take her afternoon nap, which was her habit. When Dad went to wake her up, she didn't wake up. Dad called 911, but it was really too late.

I spoke with Dad later and I guess he's hanging in there as well as possible.

I'm scared. I'm worried. I don't know what it's going to be like without having Mom to talk on the phone to. She was the central figure of our family. Now who will keep the kin?

No, actually I do know how it will be. It's going to be sad and lonely and I'm going to have a big hole in my heart for a long while.

Community Garden - Weekly Update

My plot in the Overland Park Community Garden is planted!  Now we need a little help from God, a little tending from me, and we'll have a nice harvest come August or September.

The garden didn't work out quite as I had planned. It's late in the season here for planting and it was hard to find transplants for the veggies I wanted to grow.  So, I ended up planting:

• 2 green bell peppers
• 2 jalapeno peppers
• 4 sweet banana peppers
• 4 Italian parsley
• 4 green beans (blue lake, bush variety)
• 2 rows of mustard greens
• 4 green summer squash, called Cocozelle (very similar to zucchini)

I put in seeds for the mustard greens and squash. Hopefully they will grow fast and vigorously enough to make up for the lack of starter plants.

Everything went in on June 4, yesterday.

The mustard greens were a last minute substitution for a row of green beans. I could only find 2 pots with nice looking bush bean plants and each of those pots had 2 plants in them. I separated the two plants to make a row.  The greens are from seeds given to me by a friend who is Hmong. She called them "Hmong Mustard Greens." I don't know exactly what variety they are, but I planted some last year and they were very good.

I chose a variety of peppers because I could not find many green bell peppers. It'll be fun to see if I get some banana peppers. I haven't tried them yet.

Additionally, the plot turned out to be slightly larger than 10 feet long. I could fit in six rows, altogether.

The cocozelle squash was a substitution for official zucchini, mainly because it takes only 45 days to harvest, compared to the black beauty zucchini seeds I found at 50 days (or so). Every day counts when you are starting so late!! 

(By the way, I included the links so you could see what the plants look like. I don't have any relationship with these seed/plant vendors - I neither endorse or denounce them and I do not receive any compensation for linking to them.)

Ducks

There is a pair of ducks on my front lawn. You must understand how unusual this is. There is no pond or lake anywhere near my house. Ducks are common in Kansas, but not usually in the middle of suburbia. Very strange.

I tend to attract animals. Lost dogs especially tend to find me.

When I encounter an animal outside of normal or expected context, I look up its symbolism in Native American cultures, on the web. Maybe there is a message for me in the encounter. Ducks (Mallards) represent protection, nurture, introspection. Another site says ducks represent honesty, simplicity, and resourcefulness in Celtic traditions.  I don't know what that means for me.

I told the pair they could stay and they could even nest in our yard if they want. It would be best to stay in the front yard, away from my dogs, though.

Garden Progress

This weekend I was in a picture-taking mood, so here are some photos showing the progress of my humble square foot garden.

The string marks off the square feet. This picture shows a little more than half of the garden. You can see a cucumber sprout in the foreground, then basil to the left. There's Romaine lettuce to the left of that. The next row (right to left) has a Rutgers tomato, then two little soybean sprouts (trying some dwarf soybeans for homegrown edamame). and then a square of carrots. You can plant 16 carrots in one square! The last square in that row is onion, but you can only see the tops.

The following row is a Grape tomato, green leaf lettuce (Jericho), red leaf lettuce (Red Sails), and another square of carrots. The last row is more green leaf lettuce (though you can't really see that square), unplanted, curly parsley, and arugula. I'm planning to put marigolds in the unplanted square. It's nice to have some color in the garden.

So far I've harvested 5 servings of salad greens!

Here's an "art shot" of a cucumber sprout. This was only 1 week after planting the seed in the ground. Then it got cold, and everything kinda stopped.

And here is a closeup of my first few pea pods. I am hoping to harvest a few and eat them before we go away next week. I planted these babies back in March and it took til about 7 days ago to see any flowers. When we get back from vacation, I hope we will have lots of sweet peas to enjoy. 

It takes practice and trial and error to be a good vegetable gardener. I don't know much, but I keep trying things and seeing what works and what doesn't. I think the best decision I made was last year when I decided to dig out all the soil and replace it with the custom mix described in Mel Bartholomew's book Square Foot Gardening. Plants do better in a light friable soil mix. It drains better, and its so much easier to work with.