What is it like to grieve?

Grieving is a personal process. We all have our own paths through the darkness of grieving when we lose someone we love. I can only talk about my own process, which I will do here, a little. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but I do want to work through what I need to work through.

I do not feel like there was anything major unresolved between my mother and me. We had come to a comfortable place in the last 10 years or so, able to respect each others differences but still enjoy each other. There are some things I would have liked to ask her, but it's OK that I did not. Knowing the answer would not change who I am.

Still, there are many things that make me sad about her dying. In my naturally selfish way, they are mostly about me.

• I will miss the presents she gave me. It's not the presents themselves that I will miss, it's that she knew me well and thought about me and thought about things I would like. She was very personal in this way. It helped fulfill my need to be known.  My husband does not understand how much presents mean to me....again, not for the present itself, but for the intention and thought put into them. I try to do this for my friends and family. It takes effort...that's why I value it.
• I will miss hearing "Hi Laur!" on the answering machine. I spoke with her about every week. Mostly we talked about nothing in particular - what's going on in her life, my stories from work, the weather, cooking, crafting, gardening, blah blah blah. I don't have another friend I talk with on the phone regularly. Mostly I email, now.
• I will miss visiting her. I will miss how she would cook special things for us when we came to visit. She found vegetarian recipes to try that she saved for when we came.
• I will miss her letters and her packets of clipped coupons. She cut coupons from her newspaper inserts and mailed them to me. There was a time when those coupons really helped, but I haven't needed them for years. I told her she didn't need to cut them any more, but she kept on. It was another way she told me she cared, and I continued to accept that.
• I will miss buying things for her. She also loved to receive stuff. She kept a lot of stuff, but she also did know the value of being thought of. 
• I will miss being connected to the larger family. She was our kin-keeper. I will probably lose touch with everyone on her side of the family ...well, on second thought, maybe not. I have some kin-keeping tendencies. 

According to the books, I can expect about 2 more months of being in the throes of grief. I feel much more stable than the first two weeks. I guess the shock is worn off.

I don't know what is to come, what more I have to deal with.

Right now, I feel like the world is a much more lonely place for me.