July

These are the days that I live for. Hot, sunny, occasional rain. The weather this past week was sheer bliss and I was too occupied with sitting outside to write any posts. I have my *chair* outside in which I sit to experience backyard joy. You have to say "chair" with special emphasis, as it is one of my small luxuries. It's merely a lounge chair bought at Wal*Mart last year. Yet, it brings me such pleasure.

I have a little table next to the chair where I sit my drink. Joy.

I'm not totally lazy, though.  The *chair* is a good place to do hand sewing, including my applique project and hand quilting. 

Topic Du Jour

I really wanted to write about a topic I mentioned 3 months ago: what I think my purpose in life really is. 

I am an assistant. I am an excellent "left" hand. I'm a really good supporting actor. 

I have struggled with this until recently. After all, our society never glorifies the support, only the leader. All training in this world is about how to be a leader, how to be number 1. But you know what? Our society would not function without operating room techs, back up singers, violas, and super-talented administrative assistants. 

My ego has been taught to seek number 1.  I function in much greater harmony with life as a second fiddle. Here are some examples:

1. I am a really excellent second clarinet. I am sensitive to the musical line and I have a good ear for tuning and expression. True, you can fill a second clarinet position with a frustrated first clarinet, but will that shade, color, and support the music optimally? Instead you will get a clash of egos.
   
2. I am happier as a nurse where I can assist rather than lead. Although, in my own way, I do lead.  (I don't mind lead-by-example)
3. I dream about being a backup singer. Really.  I don't want to *be*  Allison Krause. I want to harmonize with her. 
4. I'm very good at application of existing ideas/designs/concepts rather than being the i inventor of original ideas.
5. I am good at administrative details, covering all the bases, getting practical things done.  For example, husband wanted to go to Japan for years. It took me to get it done.

Intellectually, I read what I've written and I feel insulted. Why can't I get the glory or number 1? Don't I *deserve* it?

Well, I could, and yes, I do deserve it. It just wouldn't satisfy me. All of my achievements wouldn't be grand enough, or I'd be plagued by self-doubt, worry, and stress.

I think this is one reason why I struggled with the business world of computing. It's a very male model of the hero taking on the problem alone, using only his personal resourcefulness, intellect, and cleverness.  I tried to be this lone warrior but it didn't feed my soul. And, my ideas were hardly revolutionary. 

Heh, although, ironically, I hold a patent for one of my non-revolutionary ideas.

So, instead of the stress and self-doubt, I get lack of recognition, lower pay, and my contributions devalued. There's always a trade off. One thing I've learned in my 40-some years is that I must be true to myself in all I do.

Update after a week

No movement on any front. I called the manager for the research job and decided I'm not ready to give up the fun I'm having on my current job. She was kind to speak with me, though. 

I became a nurse to have a job I enjoy. Sure, sometimes my job is a drag, and my ego pokes in and whispers to me, "you're better than this" or "your talents aren't being used."  The ego may be right at some level, but historically, the places my ego have led me have not provided satisfaction or joy.  

Sewing - low motivation. I hope to finish the prototype of the first of my original design scrub cap today. 

Clarinet - I think it's just going to have to be a hobby. The passion is not there.

Today, the weather is much improved. A front came through last night and the air is drier and a little cooler. I enjoyed a morning of light garden chores outside.

Movies

Last night, we watched the rented movie Miss Potter and it was very sweet. It is a semi biographical account of the life of Beatrix Potter, the English writer and illustrator who wrote such stories as The Tale of Peter Rabbit, the Tale of Squirrel Nutkin (my personal favorite), The Tale of Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle, and more. 

I don't go to many movies, as I'd rather "do" than just sit and be entertained, so I pick my movies very judiciously. This was a treasure. Some other movie treasures I've enjoyed recently were Lars and the Real Girl and The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio. Naturally, I'd recommend them all. 

What next?

It is mid year, and today is the summer solstice.

My new years resolution has not panned out all that well. I had intended to write one thank you note a week to someone. Then, when that failed, I'd hoped to have a more thankful attitude and verbally thank people for their help and support, even little things. Honestly, though, I forgot. 

I can take it back up if I were so moved.  I might. It's a good idea.

I did not start a new major project this year. I had hoped to at the beginning of the year, but no, nothing has materialized. I am pondering a couple of options:

1. Change jobs.
2. Still considering organizing a regional clarinet choir
3. Start a small artisan business making scrub caps.

Scrub caps, you say? Didn't they drive you crazy, making 'em for the fundraiser earlier this year?  Yes... sort of, but making them was also personally rewarding to me. I still get a kick seeing my coworkers wearing them. I am considering selling them on Etsy, the handmade marketplace. I have some ideas for unique designs. Naturally this would not be a way to make a million dollars, more of a way to express creativity.

I've always been better at creative application than original pursuits.

Change jobs.  I don't know about that. Someone mentioned a job opening in the cardiology office doing research. My husband suggests that I investigate, mainly because I have the opportunity to do so - a coworker actually thought of me for a certain position, she though I'd be a good match. My ego responds....

I have considered going to the cath lab for a while, but the stars are not aligned for me to do so. No positions have been open. In fact, one of the people I would personally enjoy working with in the cath lab is considering doing something else. Well, ironically, that would free up a position. Hm. Destiny seems to be directing me towards electrophysiology. The cardiology job is in electrophysiology research. There is an open nursing position in the electrophysiology lab right now. 

*whine* but I don't like the EP doctors as much as the cath lab doctors, and I seem to get along so much better with the cath lab nurses. */whine*

Sounds like a good reason to stay put.

Clarinet choir is the other option. I am not actively playing right now. My motivation for it has diminished. It seems that I need a partner for this to work.

Chances are, I'll probably do nothing. That's OK with me too, at the moment.

A trip to NYC

Funny. I grew up in the suburbs of New York City and moved away. For years I didn't go to New York, or I'd pop in once in a while, when I was visiting my parents, when they still lived up there in Bergen County, NJ. My parents moved. I got married (so visiting my male friend from college in NYC just didn't seem appropriate any more). No more New York.

Over the past 2 years I've gone 3 times as a tourist, staying in midtown Manhattan. I do so love that city. There's always something to see or do. 

The main purpose of the trip was to see a Japanese Anime exhibit and movie screening at the Japan Society of New York. 

While in Nw York, we enjoyed two theater productions (one on Broadway, one off Broadway), did some touristy things, saw a quilt exhibit at the American Folk Art Museum, and, as always, ate well. 

I had read about a lovely vegan place called Candle 79 in my Budget Travel magazine, so we decided to check it out. We discovered marvelous gourmet vegan food. So, so good! Thanks for the recommendation! For another meal, we ate at a French place near the hotel; and it was good enough to go back for breakfast the next day. We had the requisite New York City salted pretzel from a street vendor. We had adequate Italian food before one of the shows. 

On Saturday afternoon, I enjoyed guerrilla shopping at Century 21 downtown, and emerged with two designer purses.  I am not a huge "purse" person, but everyone had such stylish bags in New York City, I got swept up. I nabbed a $150 Tignanello for $90 in a pretty cafe-au-lait color, and a Kathy van Zeeland "Croc-n-Roll" in sky blue for $44. Both of the styles seem to be last years or something....no worries for me. In Kansas City they will look new and edgy!

The quilt exhibit was called Kaleidoscope Quilts by Paula Nadelstern, showcasing her unique fabric art style featuring meticulously pieced circular designs. Technically, they aren't circles, rather hexagons and octagons and decagons, like kaleidoscopes. Fascinating to look at but way too much work for a goof like me. I picked up a roll of 4 fat quarters of her designer fabric at the museum gift shop; good quality cotton with intriguing patterns. It should be delightful for applique - "like buttuh."

I have found that I need a trip or break in the routine about every 6 weeks. Otherwise, my OCD starts to make me miserable - caught up in my repetitive routine, spinning my wheels.  This was a nice break. Looking forward to the next one in July.

Bee day

Quilt bee's coming over soon. I really like my bee because  it give me a chance to get to know a few people well, and I work on my projects with others. We chit chat, we talk about our projects, maybe toss in a little gossip, plan for future meetings, share advice on everything from border colors to career moves. 

Having them over forces me to clean up the house. I both hate and love this. Obviously, I hate it because it's housecleaning - not only do I straighten up, but I vacuum, clean the bathroom, dust, and hope the place doesn't smell like dog.  I love it because it forces me to clean and I sure like having a neater house. I burn a few candles to mask the "Essence de Hound" and to make a nice girl atmosphere.

Another reason I like it is that I get to make dainty little girly snacks. Today, I made three little appetizers: plain Triscuits topped with fresh mozzarella, a basil leaf, and a slice of grape tomato; Wheat Thins topped with cream cheese and a bit of strawberry; Rosemary Olive Oil Triscuits topped with havarti cheese and a snip of chives. Basil and chives from my garden!  Women love this kind of thing.

Four people are planning to come....such a nice group. We all need girlfriends...

The Petal Play Workshop

Tuesday was quilt guild day. We had a national speaker, Joan Shay of Petal Play.  She developed a dimensional fabric technique that makes sculpture-like effects on quilts. So entrancing are her designs that she built it into a little business. She is a delightful speaker who captivated our group. That afternoon, we had a workshop in which we learned how to make the Hydrangea wall hanging. The workshop was a lot of fun - not much sewing, but we did cutting, ironing, glueing, beading, talking, sharing, and learning. 

If your guild is going to have her as a speaker, you're in for a treat. She's fun, energetic, friendly, and witty.  Her quilts are amazing to see, if you have a trunk show; pictures don't really capture their appeal.

It's always fun to learn something new; it stretches your brain. I have thought of several ways I can apply this technique already! It's fast - I completed the petals for the hydrangea on the pattern in about 2 hours total.

June!

Well, I never finished that previous post.  Guess I'll come back to it later.

Finally, finally, it is warm....nay, hot. Thank goodness. I love the heat.

I got cancelled at work again today. I've worked hours the last few weeks, but that's OK with me. In fact, this is the life I wanted when I made the switch to nursing. I don't mind being called out, so long as I keep my benefits. I like my job. I just like free time more.

This weekend was the Heart Walk, which was fun, and now I am "done" with the scrub caps.  (Making and selling scrub caps was our unit's fundraiser. Guess who made most of the caps?) I put the word "done" in quotes because Friday was the absolute last day I would take orders, and then I got two more orders from the Electrophysiology (EP) lab. That's it.

One EP nurse tried to get me to make her a new cap with a modified pattern, after I had already made her a cap. She got her cap, and decided it was too small for her head. I had modified the pattern in one way for the big-head people; I offered to make her one following that modified pattern. Then she asked if I could make a larger head band. Oy! For heaven's sake! I thought I was being accommodating by offering to re-make her hat! That wasn't enough. She finally said, forget it.

I felt bad about refusing her...but not bad enough to redesign, sew, and probably have her unsatisfied again. I need to be done with this project.

Yard work, sewing, prep for guild meeting all done this weekend. It was busy. I am glad I have another day off to finish a few more tasks. (I almost typed "all my tasks" but, God knows, I won't be able to complete everything.  Never done.)

Happy June!