Long time hiatus

It has been a long time since I've written. Much of my online life has been on Facebook. Here I feel more anonymous. I have some thoughts to work through.

So, I'm writing again.

In the past couple of weeks, two famous people died by suicide. Both were in their middle years, in their 50s and 60s. I'm speaking of Kate Spake and Anthony Bourdain.

I think Kate Spade was deeply depressed. I don't know much about Bourdain.

I don't have a conclusion about the whole thing, but I have a few thoughts.

Our society is so unsupportive of older adults. When someone older dies like this, we don't think about how much potential they had, as we do for young adults and teenagers. By our 60s, our potential has been realized already.

So we want them to stay alive, but... for what?

• Likely you'll have more pain as you age.
• Doctors want you to have all kinds of unpleasant tests.
• If something is wrong, you are strongly encouraged to treat it.
• You'll end up taking dozens of medications.
• You'll end up having surgeries. The more surgeries, the more likelihood something will go wrong. 
• You're probably going to get cancer, become incontinent, get dementia and/or Alzheimer's disease.
• Your choices for assistance and support when you're older are lousy.
• Of course, Bourdain and Spade probably could have afforded some really good care. Most of us won't have that luxury. 
• Society will start to ignore you.

I had hoped that maybe the Baby Boomer generation will change the face of aging and push America to create better choices.

Now I'm wondering if their contribution will be using suicide to avoid all the difficulties of growing older. Maybe by the time I get into my 70s, people will be crossing their arms and tapping their feet wondering why I haven't done it yet. By then, it will be expected.

Elderly and Ill

Dad has gotten better over the past 6 months or so, since we got him off that awful anti-seizure medication. Indeed it prevented seizures, but it also made him nearly comatose, sleepy all the time, unable to put together coherent thoughts.

Indeed it prevented seizures...hah! He never had a history of epilepsy or seizures and he had one seizure once after (minor) brain surgery. I understand keeping him on the medication for a while, but seriously, did he have to have it for the rest of his life? I said no.

This situation illustrates the need for an advocate for the elderly and sick. His facility would have gladly given him this stuff for the rest of his life, if I didn't decide to investigate if he needed it, then follow through on the steps to get him off of it safely.

Anyway, that's not the reason I am writing today.

I want to vent a little about families and myths. I am tired of hearing about how your family member is still sharp as a tack and lives independently at home alone at age 98. And drinks a shot of gin every night. And smokes a cigar every day. And still drives the tractor and farms 50 acres every spring.

You know what? Not everyone is that lucky.

You know what else? I bet he's not as independent as you may think. Maybe you're glossing over some of the less glamorous parts.

I presume there are the lucky few who make it to that age fully functional.

But most people do not. Their lifestyles catch up with them. Their genetics catch up with them. Or both. Some of them have repeated hospital admissions. They get admitted to rehab or nursing homes to recover from from surgeries or accidents. Most have good days and bad days.  Family members are left wringing their hands with a situation they really didn't want.

I guess I get a little angry because their comment about Dad ("oh, but he's so young!") has an implication that this was someone's fault. Or maybe if the family had been paying attention we could have avoided all of this. Or maybe if Dad had been living better this wouldn't have happened.

I don't think people are consciously criticizing - they're being a little thoughtless, maybe. People in their seventies shouldn't have these kinds of problems, right?

Dad lived a relatively healthy life, and he didn't deserve this. Perhaps it's something in our familial genetic makeup that makes us prone to dementia in our 70s - certainly not something we can control with lifestyle. All the crossword puzzles and mental exercises and good eating and exercise isn't going to alter the preprogrammed breakdown of cellular processes....at least not with today's state of medical knowledge.  Maybe it was something he did back in his 20s, but again, no one knows any cause-effect for Dad's type of dementia. The state of the knowledge today is "it just happens to some people."

It's something like how some cancer patients are bothered by others telling encouraging stories of their co-workers cousin who went into remission miraculously after being given only 3 months to live. Really, that's awesome for him. So what makes this cancer patient not have remission?

I am trying to come up with a conclusion for this post, but my first attempts have sounded mean spirited. I'm not overly upset about this. I just wanted to write about it, work though it, and get it off my chest. I think for me, this perspective points to the source of my compassion. Sometimes you just have to be in it and live with it.  Maybe even befriend it.

Caregiving for someone with dementia and other physical problems is hard. I try to do right by him, and mostly I do a good job.

Heritage

This year, I'm embracing my German heritage a bit for Christmas. I am baking a Stollen, made from scratch.

I'm a pretty good baker and I am not intimidated by the yeast, the kneading, the ingredients, or the time. I just need to take the time.

This recipe is from the Farm Journal Homemade Bread cookbook. I found it at a thrift store 8 or 9 years ago, and it has been a terrific cookbook. I love making bread. The whole process is therapeutic to me and nothing can rival the scent and taste of home baked bread.

I have had much success with vintage Farm Journal cookbooks. These books are American heartland cooking at its best. Hearty foods with basic flavors that fuel hard working people. These cookbooks tend to have a German/Eastern European inclination in the recipes because many Germans immigrated to America and settled in the farming midwest - Iowa, Kansas, and Nebraska.

Update 12/25/14: Added photos of my Stollen. It is crazy delicious!! What an awesome recipe!

On being German:

To the best of my knowledge, I am about 75% German heritage, and 25% Polish. There may be a little English sprinkled in, too. I never thought much about being German as anything distinct from American. In some ways I envied my friends who had a more distinct heritage, such as Indian, Syrian, Italian, or Jewish. That may be because my forefathers and mothers immigrated in the late 1800's where many of my friends at the time were second generation or so.

As I grew older, I realized that some aspects of my upbringing were distinctly German. For example, Mom cooked cabbage and pork butt, sauerkraut and sausage (often kielbasa) sometimes for dinner. In the summertime, Mom made Blueberry Kuchen, not blueberry cake. My grandmother frequently replied with "Yah" (German for "yes") instead of "yeah." Interestingly, I never encountered pierogies, a much-loved Polish dish, until college. I suppose that is because my Polish heritage is through my father's father....and mothers typically dictate the menu at home. Also, we didn't practice the more common German religions - Lutheran and Catholic.

Whole Stollen - the recipe made two!

Mom liked her Stollen at Christmastime. As a child, I didn't particularly like it; it is not sweet enough and it doesn't contain chocolate! Sometimes those candied fruits tasted bitter to me (probably the candied citrus peel). Now I am growing older, and I am developing a taste for spice and fruits, so Stollen is more appealing. I also thought it would be a nice treat for Dad. Since Mom insisted on her Entenmann's Stollen every year, Dad embraced the tradition.

Unfortunately, Entenmann's Stollen seems to be a regional product to the North East US. It was difficult to find near Mom's home in central Virginia. Mom grew up in central New Jersey, and I grew up in Northern New Jersey, where it was pretty common. I can't find it here in Eastern Kansas either....but there are plenty of other bakeries!

This year, we host a college student from China over the holidays. I hope to share this tradition with her, too.

The Business Game

First, I would like to say that this blog is now over 7 years old. I started this self-reflection project on November 3, 2007.  Pretty cool.

Now, I am an employee of the company. I am everything in this office - secretary, lifestyle coordinator, marketing department, sales department, technical support, CEO and janitor. Obviously it won't scale.

I have business cards and brochures. I'm learning the processes for marketing, developing referral sources, as well as screening potential clients.

No clients yet, but I have one in the pipeline.

I need to work another lead that might become a client.

I have my first referral source development opportunity later today - this process takes the next step beyond making contact.  I am very grateful that I have the support of the existing company because it really helps to have a process to follow for marketing. It would have taken me months or years to figure some of this stuff out.

The whole process is kind of fun. I enjoy learning new things and I have a healthy approach to the process. Specifically, I'm approaching this whole thing as a real-life game. I have played my professional life cautiously and now I'm ready to play for real, with fun, money, deep satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment as the prizes. The losses are real, too.

But I fully intend to win.

Caring for a Loved One in a Nursing Home: Labeling Clothing

There are several options for labeling your loved one's clothing. Pictures help tell the story, so enjoy!

Write on the Clothing

The quickest easiest way to label is to use a Sharpie or a permanent fabric marker. I have personally used a Pigma Micron pen and a Sharpie for my father's clothes, and both have been successful.

Not long ago Sharpie came out with some markers intended for permanent writing on fabric called Stained by Sharpie. These work even better than regular Sharpies for permanent marking on clothing.

Regular Sharpie markers do eventually fade with washing. It's easy enough to re-write on the clothing, but you must remember to check.

This obviously only works well for lighter fabrics using a darker marker.

Write the name in a location on the garment that is inconspicuous when worn, yet fairly easy to find. If the garment is dark, you can write on a light colored manufacturer label. Usually there is some margin space on these labels.

Writing on the garment is my preferred method for labeling white socks. I write the name on the bottom of the sock around the arch. Dark socks are tricky.... that's another post.

Writing on the garment is always a good "fall-back" labeling technique. This is why I keep a Sharpie in my purse at all times. You could also stash one in your loved one's room if there's a convenient place.

Custom Ink Stamps

A social worker at my father's facility highly recommends a military clothing stamp. The military requires all clothing to be labeled and they have developed inks that really stay.  I have no personal experience with these stamps, but it seems like a really good idea.  As an employee of a facility, the social worker purchased a customizable stamp where you can change the name. I'm not sure where you can get such a thing, but as you know....you can buy just about anything on the Internet!

You can get a custom clothing stamp made - several companies offer such a product.

Custom Labels

I don't have personal experience with purchased iron-on or sew-on labels. Many boast iron-on for simplicity and permanent adhesion, but honestly, I'm suspicious. The laundry in a nursing home is so harsh on clothes I would be afraid the adhesive would deteriorate. Knits could be problematic because the stretching could cause the adhesive to detach.

I would imagine sewing them on would be just like sewing on the homemade labels, without having to press under raw edges.

Fortunately, they aren't expensive and you can get a lot of them for a little bit of money. A web search on "clothing labels" will lead you to many options, as plain or as fancy as you like.

Homemade Labels

I like to sew, and my sewing machine is always at the ready, so I don't mind making my own labels. The easiest labels are simple rectangles of white cotton (or cotton-blend) fabric with raw edged folded and pressed under, and stitched to the garment by machine using a zig zag stitch. I write the name on the label using one of the markers mentioned above. I usually make up a bunch of them at one time using scraps of white or light-colored fabric, then sew them on as Dad acquires new clothes.

A good dimension for a homemade label is 1.25" x 2.5" (raw, before edges are pressed under.)

Label with Hand-Written Name
(name blurred for privacy)

Label with Edges Ironed Under

Position the label and pin to garment. If you don't want to pin, you can always use a washable glue (like Elmer's).

The zig zag stitch is a good choice because you don't have to be as precise in sewing around the label, and it has a little "give" to it. Much of Dad's clothing is knit with some stretch. I usually sew the label on near the manufacturers labels.

Label Zigzag Stitched to Garment

I usually use white thread on the top and a thread in the color matching the shirt in the bobbin, so the stitching is not too obvious. Here's how it looks on the back (outwards facing, when worn).

Appearance of Label Stitching

Sure, it's noticeable when you're looking for it. If I was picky I could touch the white thread with a marker to conceal them. In this case, it's the back of a pair of athletic pants and it won't be seen when Dad is sitting. When standing, his shirt will cover it.

Tips: 

Spray starch or Mary Ellen's Best Press Clear Starch used when ironing helps the labels retain their crisp pressed edges.

On polo shirts with knit collars, you can sew the label on the collar itself on the inside, a little above the seam where the collar is stitched to the shirt. The fold of the collar will cover up the stitching in back. On T-shirts, I usually sew the label on the strip of fabric that covers the seam between the shirt and the ribbed neck opening.

Homemade labels do not work well for super-stretchy items like socks, though.

For shirts and pants, this is my preferred technique. The labels are easy to find and easy to read. Plus, it shows that someone put in a little extra care for their family member.

Caring for a Loved One in a Nursing Home: Laundry

Many nursing home facilities offer laundry services for the residents. Usually the fee is quite reasonable and using the service is a great convenience for the family. In my experience, the laundry service currently costs about $1.00/day.

Some families prefer to do their loved one's laundry. That's fine, but be advised that there are dozens of other things that need to be done to care for your loved one in a nursing home. Using the service can lighten the load a little. And, you won't have to worry about if Mom or Dad has enough clothes for the next few days.

Labeling your loved one's clothes is required. There is no way the laundry service will be able to remember whose clothes are whose - it all looks the same to them.  I advise labeling with the last name, rather than a room number, because room assignments can change. Names will work for any laundry service, no matter how many times Dad moves - within the facility or to a new facility.

The laundry service will label clothes if asked, but this is one thing that I don't think is worth the cost. Really it's not that much of a burden to do.

Understand that when laundry is done in this setting, they are interested in cleanliness and efficiency, not special care of delicate fabrics. The laundry detergent is probably cheap industrial strength, and they wash in warm and hot water. They probably only separate whites from colors, and that's it - no wash-and-wear, no delicate cycle, no cold water hand-wash. Everything goes in the drier and they run the drier on hot. Like, really hot...to dry faster.

Laundry Tips

It is important to select durable clothing that can take the laundry wear-and-tear of the nursing home laundry service. Here are a few tips:

• Cotton clothing is at risk for shrinkage, even if the cotton is pre-shrunk. In my experience T-shirts generally hold up well, but 100% cotton sweatpants, slacks, and shorts tend to get shorter. Shrinkage continues to happen over time. 
• Colors will fade.
• The heavy-duty laundering can cause labeling to come off or fade beyond recognition. 
• It is a good idea to check the labeling every so often. 
• Keep delicate or special care items at your home, and if you want your loved one to wear that nicer outfit for an event, bring it in right before it is needed. 
• Before the event, talk to the staff, and let them know your loved-one will need to change clothes for an event. 
• Allow plenty of time to do the change. Then have them change back into everyday clothes as soon as it is convenient. 
• Take the worn clothes with you for cleaning, so they don't accidentally end up in the laundry and get ruined. (Remember to bring a laundry bag, in case an accident happens while Dad is wearing his suit.)
• Anything can end up in the wash.
• My father's shearling leather slippers were put in the laundry once. Shrunk them terribly and bleached the color out! Fortunately, they survived, and with repeated stretching, they are wearable again.

In my next post, I will share my experience about labeling clothes.

Still on the Roller Coaster

My motivation is waning. Things aren't moving as quickly as I would like, however...they are still moving.  I don't have a contract yet. I did pick a phone number and I choose the names on my business cards.

It's coming, but it takes time. Really, it has only been a little over two weeks.

Networking

Last Thursday I went to a general networking group I had found on Meetup and it was a totally foreign situation. I was a bit freaked out about it - after I entered the room, I found a sales table all set up with supplement products and free samples of their energy bars, etc.

Holy crap, I thought, they're going to sell me supplements. This isn't networking! This is a sales trap! Panic! Run away!

I was wrong...it was networking after all. The table was for the presentation of the day, which was to be given by one of the group members who did sell these supplements.

The group is a formal networking group with expensive dues, lots of formal rules, and lots of requirements for their members. You are supposed to stay for the entire meeting. You are supposed to make all meetings. You are supposed to attend social business events put on by other members. You are supposed to refer clients to the club's members (and they are supposed to send clients to you).

There are benefits, too. You have a sympathetic audience to help you work out marketing messages and pitches. When you go to the business/social events, you will know people. You meet people you might otherwise not meet in your usual crowd. This could translate to new business. The people in the group were basically normal people, although there weren't many in the fields that would help my clientele.

After thinking about it for several days, I've come to the conclusion that this group isn't quite right for me. It's too expensive for the potential value to my business - that is, not targeted enough for quality referrals.

I give myself credit that I tried. And since there isn't much to do right now, I will concentrate a bit more on life-management items I need to do. That is, I will work on chores around the house, getting my flu shot, and preparing for my sister's visit later this week.

Patience. It takes time to build something new.

The Roller Coaster of Starting a Business

Starting a small business was thrilling for the last week and a half. Now I'm coming back down to reality. When will something happen? What's next? Gosh, this is hard!!

Networking - Up

I have heard the refrain over and over that networking is the life-blood of small business. I am seriously trying and to commend myself, I have made some good strides. Here are my accomplishments:

• Lunch with colleague from church, which led to....
• Networking meeting for professionals who work with the aging population, which led to....
• Contact with a financial advisor for seniors, which led to...
• Invitation to join a networking group
• Two meetings with possible business contacts
• Meet ups with friends and acquaintances, some more distant than others. 
• Three upcoming meetings with contacts/colleagues, etc. 
• Registration for a highly relevant conference in my region.

Networking is challenging for an introvert like me. I am trying to be easy on myself and not beat myself up too much with "should have" or "ought to" but it's hard. I am not opposed to contacting people, but it's not my natural way to work. If all things are equal, I'll choose the task that involves solitary work over calling someone. 

I need to make some goals and use those weekly (or even daily goals) as my motivator. 

Leads - Neutral, Slightly Down

I got a new lead for a potential client. One of my previous leads is no longer viable since the potential client passed away. That was depressing at several levels. 

Now I have 3 leads and one is looking pretty good. I need to reach out to the third lead, but since it's for someone with whom I used to work, I wanted to give it a little time. 

The first lead is in progress - meaning, I'm developing that lead...I guess....I'm new to the marketing lingo. 

Resources - Up

I'm learning about business, too. There are countless books on business processes, techniques, philosophies, etc. and I've gotten into a few of them. Here's what I've worked on so far:

Eat That Frog!: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time

The phrase "eat that frog" is an eye catcher and a metaphor - who on earth wants to eat a (presumably live) frog? Bleh. The frog you "need to eat" is a task you really need to do, but you keep putting it off. The idea is that you'll feel better and be more successful if you get it done and check it off your list. While I didn't find any concepts or approaches radically different from what I already knew about time management, it was an easy, entertaining, and fast read. It's so easy to slip into bad habits even when you know better. I definitely think it was a worthwhile read, and I do expect to re-read it periodically as a refresher. 

The 4 Disciplines of Execution: Achieving Your Wildly Important Goals

This book describes a system to achieve big goals while still dealing with the whirlwind of everyday activity in a business. It's somewhat targeted towards larger companies, but one can use the principles at all levels. It was a good an inspirational read - although, I don't even have a whirlwind to break through, yet!

Coffee-Lunch-Coffee

This is a blog (and a book ) about networking as a way to advance your career and find your next dream job. Since I am not a natural networker, I will be taking some of the author's tips and techniques to heart and using them almost verbatim. The author had a goal of 15 networking events/appointments/interactions per workweek - which would result in coffee, lunch, and coffee with someone every day, Monday through Friday. Whoa...that's an overwhelming number for me! but I could commit to a smaller number, like...say.... 5. Or maybe start with 3 and work up to 5.

I wonder what my goals should be for blog posts. I enjoy writing them and it helps me think things through. 2 per week?

Test post - to see if I can back date a post

Until now, I didn't need to put the date of a post earlier than I actually wrote it. I'm trying to see if it can be done.

Stepping Out on my Own

I finally found the courage to leave my job.  Now I am unemployed but I am starting the habits to become an entrepreneur.

I will be the first regional office for a small geriatric care management company. This is the company that helped my family our in 2012, taking care of my father while family was so far away.  I contacted them to ask about what it's like to start a business like this.

They responded that they were looking to expand. Would I be interested?

Heck, yeah!

I had had it in my mind that I was going to do it all on my own. I never thought they might want to expand halfway across the country. After all, they are in central Virginia and I am in the midwest. One would think they would prefer to stick with a regional focus.

I resigned from the hospital in early September, and my last work day was 9/16. Officially I was an employee until 9/19.

Now I am starting to do the things that entrepreneurs do - network, call, sell, follow up, network, and network.

My goodness, I am so happy to have some time to myself again!

I missed writing in this blog, too. I think it provided some therapy for me and allowed me to work some issues through.

Coming Back to the Heart: Part 2

This time I'm talking about corporate values.

I don't want to complain about a corporation's values as demonstrated in their day to day operations. That's not really productive, but I will say that when it devolves to complaining, one must stop and consider what is going on. 

What is causing my complaining? What is the disconnect?

I left computing and the corporate life because I did not want to disengage from my work. The only way I have found to survive in such an environment is to disengage, stop caring, and focus life fulfillment elsewhere. I felt that was happening in my previous corporate life, so I left. 

I am not that person, though. I desperately want my work to matter, I want to be engaged, and I want to care deeply. I want to make a beautiful, functional, useful, and worthwhile work environment and correspondingly, product.

I don't fit any more, because complacency is not one of my values. 

• I want to minimize crises and heroics. They are too costly, and there are enough of them in real life without purposely seeking them out as a way of working. 
• I want to have a plan and know where I'm going. That way, even if I have to step away from the plan, I can keep going in that direction.
• If I can't keep going in that direction, then I can at least not undo the direction.
• I want to discuss the hard problems frankly, not placate others to stroke egos.
• I want to empower others and trust them to do the right thing. I want to be empowered myself.
• I want research to guide practice, not personality.

I'm such a revolutionary. Hell... no really, it looks like I am an entrepreneur. 

Coming Back to the Heart: Part 1

Four years ago I took a job away from patient care with the noble ideas that

• I had some skills to share and 
• the organization I work for desperately needed these skills.

I used to be a computer programmer. I grew up in software companies and my native tongue is the language of software development. I became frustrated with the industry after about 15 years and it became apparent I wasn't going to change the world with my work in that industry.

So I went to nursing school, with the humble idea of helping someone.

I did help someone. I took a major salary cut for work one on one with real people in a hospital setting, helping them get through the scary and dangerous world of the hospital. It was rewarding, most of the time. And it was less hours - rare overtime (because nursing overtime was "expensive." Ha!)

Then situations changed such that my old position acquired a new boss.  I gave her a try but, I just didn't mesh with her management style. Soon, it was clear to me: one of us had to go - and she was a very popular lady in the organization, so it wasn't going to be her.

There was an opportunity in informatics. It was a normal salaried position 5-days per week. Informatics is something like a business analyst position, except you concentrate on clinical data, not business data.

Applying for the job was difficult because I knew what could happen to me. But as an end user with software experience, I could tell my company did not know how to run a successful software support organization. I did know how. So maybe I could make a difference.

I was terrified that I would end up facing the same frustrations that caused me to turn my back on the software industry 15 years ago. It was a heartbreaking experience. I thought long and hard about going this route.

Nevertheless, I applied and they hired me. And here is what I found.

• I found an organization that did not feel it was necessary to document their systems and decisions.
• I found an organization that had no formal change control process.
• I found an organization that had no way of moving maintenance requests forward. 
• ...that had no equitable method to prioritize requests.
• Their informal prioritization method was "how powerful is the person complaining?" and "how loud are they screaming?" 
• ...that thought that exclusive knowledge in a single person was a robust organizational model for support. 
• ...that did not value its people, therefore they did not need skilled management.
• ...that had no naming conventions, guidelines, or standards and no data dictionary.
• ...that believed that software usability problems lie with the user
• They couldn't even tell the user RTFM. There was no M to read.
• So the answer must be "user, you must be stupid."

OMG, did they need help! Unfortunately, this was not my group, it was the IT group we were supposed to work with.

The only problem is that no one wants someone outside the organization to point out their problems, even if you're right, and even if you have a solution.

Next installation in this series: Corporate values.

Good Karma

One of the things I do to help the world out is to write reviews on Tripadvisor.

They call me a "senior" reviewer - I've posted 21 reviews so far. I look at reviews of hotels, restaurants and attractions when I travel, so it only makes sense that I should contribute.

It's exciting when I get a response. Indeed, the little things in life thrill me.

Do you write reviews? You should - they don't have to be long or details, although that helps. It's practice writing and it helps other people out. Trip advisor even lets you upload pictures.

I tend to be positive in my reviews, even when I wasn't so thrilled. Like the "chinese buffet" that included 2/3 stations of greasy American food. I suppose they do that because it is what sells, and you can't fault them for doing what is necessary to stay in business. The positive thing was that I could get a meatless meal there, and this place was in rural Kansas (or Missouri - I don't remember right now).

Another aspect of reviewing for travel is putting up reviews for places that are local to you. There are always people who come to your region or town on business and they want to know to best places to eat, or a nice way to spend a free afternoon, etc.

So why not contribute to the community at large?

Getting Away

What is the purpose of a trip away?

I used this weekend's getaway to do something different and deal with different problems. Problems that are ultimately of little consequence: what time do we go to the park? What should we do today? When should we have lunch?

It gives the brain a rest not to worry about the everyday things and the work things.

We ate pretty good food out, we slept easily, we watched brainless TV (Diners Drive-Ins and Dives on the Food Network, and Pawn Stars on History Channel). What can I say - we dropped off paid TV about 2 years ago and now those shows are a treat.

We explored a part of Kansas I did not know much about: the flint hills and the tallgrass prairie. We hiked in the Konza Prairie Biological Station. The prairie was very beautiful. I wish we could have gone either early in the morning or at dusk to increase the chances of seeing more wildlife. We did not see many animals but we took in the vast landscape and got a sense what it was like to be a pioneer, trekking across this grassy prairie.

At the Konza Prairie, we saw:

• Giant Swallowtail butterflies
• A skink of some kind
• A Killdeer 
• Moths, fritillaries, and skippers
  (I didn't know there was a subgroup called a skipper)
• Jillions of grasshoppers, katydids, and pollinating bees and bugs

We'd missed the main spring bloom and we were too early for the late summer and fall bloom.

On Sunday, on the way home, we took the flint hills scenic byway south. While on the byway, we stopped at the Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve. It's a nice park that features the flint hills tallgrass prairie landscape and we had been there several years ago. But since then, they have improved the place significantly, including a new visitor center. It's even better than before. They have built a new visitor's center with a nice presentation area, a short film, and souvenirs. I highly recommend this park - not a lot of drama or excitement, but they do have miles of hiking trails, an old ranch house and barn, and an old schoolhouse all to explore. If you like natural settings, this is a really good one. 

I do feel refreshed. This USA has a lot of interesting places to explore. 

Brene Brown and Daring Greatly

Oh how I wish I would write here more often. 

I am reading about shame by Brene Brown. She's a researcher about vulnerability and shame. Well, I fall in that pit about every 6 weeks.

She writes that those who seem to negotiate life more successfully have deep down belief that they believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Those that struggle more have a basic belief that they are not worthy of love and belonging. 

I cannot decide which camp I fall into. The fact that I have depression and think of self-harm (which I still won't do, so don't worry....still no plan) leads me to think I fall on the not-worthy side.

The fact that I don't have children is other evidence - I never felt worthy (that is, qualified) to be a mother. Too risky. Too vulnerable. Safer not to even go there. 

Yet, logic says that I am as worthy as anyone else. The Christian religions teach that each one of us is a child of God, worthy of being saved by Jesus. My indignant self raises up and says "hey, I'm as good as the next guy."

Today, wrote an email that did not sound as I intended. It sounded like I'm a bitter spiteful bitch. One of the facts was not correct, but the main idea was.  Per Brene Brown, I am in the midst of a serious vulnerability hangover. I did apologize for what I wrote and I did attempt to correct my error, and own up to my mistake. But the fact remains. Those who want to think I am mean and bitchy are glad to have evidence and there is probably nothing I can say to change their minds. 

I sincerely fear I will be asked to leave my job, and this is not the first time. That's really OK, then, because this job is becoming more of a pain in my ass every day, with little satisfaction any more. This job makes me cry about once a week. Any job that makes me cry this regularly is not a good one. 

But I've done the "leave with no plan going forward" thing before. I survived and turned out better, but it's not my favorite thing to do. Would really rather not. 

I wish work didn't matter to me.

I wish Brene, or someone, or something, would guide me to the path to solidifying a core belief that I am worthy, as mentioned above. Her observations and research may be spot on, but how on earth do I cultivate change? 

This mental pain of shame is just agony.

Do you have any idea...

...how much life hurts me at times?

I know I am a beloved child of God, but sometimes I try so hard to fit into this world of people, and I am such a failure. I cannot do it. I don't understand it. I don't know why God would create someone like me to live with perpetual inner pain. It seem so damn cruel to make someone want and try to work within these rules, but I just can't understand them.

My counselor asked what it's like when I get here. I don't know what to say. 

I'm embarrassed.

I'm sad

I'm hopeless. 

I remember how broken I am. 

I recall all of my failures. 

They overwhelm me. 

I want a drink.

I can't think of much good that I do that is of any consequence.

- woo, I pay my taxes. I'm swell, huh?

Most times I can't cry about it although I know I want to. I can't draw up that lump in my throat. 

I'll get over it. 

I'll react like an idiot for a while. 

I'll forget about it after a while.

Then I'll do it again. 

And I'll remember that I did it again. 

Looking Ahead

As per my previous posts, I had resolved to get some help with the stress. I've seen the counselor 3 or 4 times now, and it's going fairly well. As always with therapy, I am being challenged a bit.

Caregiving is resolving alright. I have started taking better care of myself and I work on coming to grips with Dad's impending death and the quality of my care of him (enough? too much? not diligent enough?). I don't think Dad's going to die soon, but it is coming relatively soon.

I asked to talk about my job some. And, as good therapists do, my therapist has challenged me to think about my job. She pointed out that I am behaving as if this is the only job I could ever get and if I were to lose this job, I wouldn't be able to find another.

This is not true. I'm very employable.

I want to stay with my current employer until retirement, even though it is certainly not necessary. She challenges me to consider why I want to stay that long. That's about 20 more years.

I have a habit of staying on too long when it's time to go.

But I have a hard time recognizing when it's time to go. From a practical standpoint, any job can't be happy, fun, and personally fulfilling every single day. There are "down" times and there are times when things don't go your way. I have a hard time telling when it's a temporary down time and when a job can no longer fill my needs.

I value longevity and stick-to-it-iveness in a job and I had planned to stay with my employer to live up to those values. It was my way of thanking the healthcare industry for allowing me to join it so late in life. However (and I apologize for whining), I'm bored. And, this job is not giving me back the warm fuzzies that make a job fulfilling.

Right now, I don't have enough responsibility and leadership for this job to be interesting. The technical aspects of the job are no longer intriguing. I've basically mastered those. To get to the next level I would need training, and the company is not in a financial position to provide that training. Will it always be this way or do I just have to be patient? I find the politics in this organization a big downer - it seems unnecessary and an impedance to any type of progress. Even the politics are boring to me. Additionally, my recent history in this job is very similar to the frustrating situations that caused me to leave computer programming 10 years ago - I am the queen of the cancelled project.

Perhaps my perception is a bit off - surely everyone works on projects that get cancelled. Given my personal work history, I am unusually sensitive to it.

My therapist suggests that "I am not listening to all of the voices" that represent my values and needs for work. That's an interesting perspective. Now I need to figure out what these voices are, find out what they are telling me, and maybe then, form an action plan.

Pumpkin Cheesecake and Fear

For Thanksgiving, I made Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake.

Our newspaper, the Kansas City Star, had a Thanksgiving menu section last weekend and this recipe was included. It sounded like a nice alternative to pumpkin pie. An added bonus was that the recipe was from Lidia's Restaurant in Kansas City, from one of her pastry chefs.

It was good, rich variation on tradition. I'm not sure I'll make it again, though. Cheesecakes are rather labor-intensive and the recipes usually make a huge cake. I could eat cake at every meal, but that's probably not very healthy. I'm limiting it to one piece a day.

(As I reread the nutritional information, I'm glad I lightened it up by using neufchatel cheese for 2 of the 3 blocks of cream cheese. It probably helped lower the calories and fat, but not as much as I'd like to tell myself! I also used Redi-Wip instead of real whipped cream. Honestly, I just didn't feel like making real whipped cream.)

I made a side dish from the same menu section in the paper: Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Pickled Cranberries and Plum Vinaigrette. It sounded crazy enough to try and it was surprisingly tasty. I made one major change to the recipe. I didn't know what "plum sauce" was (in the vinaigrette) so I substituted red currant jelly. I had that left over from a sweet-sour (fake) meatball dish I had made. It worked out fine - I only needed about 1 tbsp - and it gave the dressing a fruity-tart flavor without overpowering it.

I do like brussels sprouts, and I doubt this recipe will convert anyone. Surprisingly, the pickled cranberries filled the role of "cranberry sauce" in our Thanksgiving menu. This recipe is a two-fer!


A month ago, I wrote about fear. It's still here, but I've taken several steps to improve things. First, I am seeing a counselor for a little while. Second, my first "homework" from this counseling is to get a massage. Sounds good to me. Third, I've contacted a housecleaning service and they start on Friday.

The counselor has recommended listening to several recorded books. I've started one by Pema Chodron, called the Pema Chodron Audio Collection. It contains three works: Pure Meditation, Good Medicine, and From Fear to Fearlessness. I'm about half way through the first one. Pema has a soothing voice and calming demeanor, and I like her slight New York/Long Island accent.

The second book is by Harriet Lerner called Fear and Other Uninvited Guests. I was eager to read this one on the Kindle, but I could only find it as an audiobook. Oh well, guess I'll get to it after I'm done with Chodron.

The counselor commented that I seem unhappy with my job. It surprised me to hear that from someone else. I suppose I am, although I wish I were not discontented at all. This is supposed to be the ideal job for me. I thought I was old enough to stay in one job for a long time and I don't really want to change. I have some ideas of why I'm not liking the job right now, but a single cause is not clear. More to come.

Fear

Something is going on in my brain. I'm afraid.

I am afraid of screwing up at work, mainly. I guess because I am screwing up at work in ways that, depending on how you feel about a person, could be trumped up.  If they want to get rid of me, they can fabricate more out of the molehills.

Do they want to get rid of me? I don't know, maybe. I don't have any direct evidence.

I am what I am. They've hired a bunch more people who are younger than me. They're cuter, and optimistic, and they're more social than I am. I feel old and fat and sad and serious.

Logic tells me this fear is irrational.

Here's my side of the story.

A nurse manager was asked by a physician for help with the EMR. She didn't know how to answer his question, so she called me on the phone, because she happens to know me and know I give thoughtful answers. She explained the problem and it was definitely not something I could help with. In fact, I didn't know what she was describing, that the physician was trying to do. I told her to contact the education person for physicians and if she wasn't the right person, she would know who to contact.  I couldn't tell from the information the manager gave me if the physician needed help with how the system works, or if he was really asking for something new.

The education person for physicians didn't know what the doctor was talking about either (she's fairly new). She reached out to the person on my team who deals with physician issues. In the chain of emails, the nurse manager said they reached out to our department, without naming me and that I had told her to ask the educator.

The person on my team who handles physician issues is apparently upset that I didn't involve her first. She let me know that all physician things should come to her and I shouldn't forget that. 

I think I made a reasonable judgment.  

Yet, if things were twisted, one could construe that I am not a team player.

So I'm afraid. I'm not as popular as the other person on my team. The cool kids in the hospital (i.e. the physicians) like this popular girl.

I fear getting dinged again. I don't like how that feels, especially when I am such a conscientious person and I try to do the right thing. We'll see if this comes up again.

What is up with this fear? Why am I obsessing?

Maybe it's time for therapy again. It has been about 8 years since I had a therapist, maybe it's time again.

Caregiving - Six weeks after becoming the Primary

Dad is here in town (at a long-term care facility a.k.a. nursing home) and I'm trying to find equilibrium in visiting him, spending time with my husband, and caring for myself. I'm making my best guess for how much "me" time I need, but really, it's ending up trial and error and trial again.

Caring for Dad is difficult. He doesn't or can't communicate. He seems content to be a lump. He enjoys visits and he seems to like the interaction when I'm there. On the good side, he doesn't impose any guilt on me for not visiting as expected. On the bad side, he does not seem to care whether I show up or not. He doesn't seem interested in anything.

I am feeling some guilt about not seeing him "enough." Truth be told, I see him plenty. My goal is 3 times a week and I try to spend about an hour or so each time. I bring something to do or work on while we're together. More interaction would probably be better for him. Yet, I can't do it all.

How am I to take care of myself so I have the energy to work my difficult job, get some exercise, eat well, get some sleep, keep up with friends, do something fun once in a while, and pursue my hobbies?

I have not figured it out yet.

As I feel my way through the unknown, I'm stress eating some. I've gained a couple of pounds, which isn't something to panic over, but it is something to keep aware of, before it becomes a habit.

I'm spending money on stuff. Stuff I don't really need, but stuff I just want. I bought myself a small refrigerator for the office. I bought more work clothes (one could argue I do need the clothes). I bought some earrings. I bought a ring (and I don't wear rings very often, except my wedding and engagement rings).

I'm drinking alcohol a bit more. Instead of only on the weekends, I'l have a glass of wine or two when I get home maybe 2 nights a week. Again, not panic-worthy, but something to observe.

I'm having stress dreams - dreams in which something bad happens to me or someone in the dream. In one, I had kidney disease. Given that I'm working with the hospital's solid organ transplant center right now, I know where my subconscious came up with that one!  Several dreams have been about me having a health problem.

It's hard. I knew it would be, and I'm not really complaining or feeling like a victim. It's hard and it is an adjustment.  I'm afraid something will have to go from my hobbies, and I'm thinking it will be the wind symphony. I really liked the group and playing music, but it's too much pressure. I don't want an activity that requires so much work, where I will possibly feel bad if I don't practice and learn my parts well.

At least I have about 2 months to figure it out.