Brene Brown and Daring Greatly

Oh how I wish I would write here more often. 

I am reading about shame by Brene Brown. She's a researcher about vulnerability and shame. Well, I fall in that pit about every 6 weeks.

She writes that those who seem to negotiate life more successfully have deep down belief that they believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Those that struggle more have a basic belief that they are not worthy of love and belonging. 

I cannot decide which camp I fall into. The fact that I have depression and think of self-harm (which I still won't do, so don't worry....still no plan) leads me to think I fall on the not-worthy side.

The fact that I don't have children is other evidence - I never felt worthy (that is, qualified) to be a mother. Too risky. Too vulnerable. Safer not to even go there. 

Yet, logic says that I am as worthy as anyone else. The Christian religions teach that each one of us is a child of God, worthy of being saved by Jesus. My indignant self raises up and says "hey, I'm as good as the next guy."

Today, wrote an email that did not sound as I intended. It sounded like I'm a bitter spiteful bitch. One of the facts was not correct, but the main idea was.  Per Brene Brown, I am in the midst of a serious vulnerability hangover. I did apologize for what I wrote and I did attempt to correct my error, and own up to my mistake. But the fact remains. Those who want to think I am mean and bitchy are glad to have evidence and there is probably nothing I can say to change their minds. 

I sincerely fear I will be asked to leave my job, and this is not the first time. That's really OK, then, because this job is becoming more of a pain in my ass every day, with little satisfaction any more. This job makes me cry about once a week. Any job that makes me cry this regularly is not a good one. 

But I've done the "leave with no plan going forward" thing before. I survived and turned out better, but it's not my favorite thing to do. Would really rather not. 

I wish work didn't matter to me.

I wish Brene, or someone, or something, would guide me to the path to solidifying a core belief that I am worthy, as mentioned above. Her observations and research may be spot on, but how on earth do I cultivate change? 

This mental pain of shame is just agony.