Fear

Something is going on in my brain. I'm afraid.

I am afraid of screwing up at work, mainly. I guess because I am screwing up at work in ways that, depending on how you feel about a person, could be trumped up.  If they want to get rid of me, they can fabricate more out of the molehills.

Do they want to get rid of me? I don't know, maybe. I don't have any direct evidence.

I am what I am. They've hired a bunch more people who are younger than me. They're cuter, and optimistic, and they're more social than I am. I feel old and fat and sad and serious.

Logic tells me this fear is irrational.

Here's my side of the story.

A nurse manager was asked by a physician for help with the EMR. She didn't know how to answer his question, so she called me on the phone, because she happens to know me and know I give thoughtful answers. She explained the problem and it was definitely not something I could help with. In fact, I didn't know what she was describing, that the physician was trying to do. I told her to contact the education person for physicians and if she wasn't the right person, she would know who to contact.  I couldn't tell from the information the manager gave me if the physician needed help with how the system works, or if he was really asking for something new.

The education person for physicians didn't know what the doctor was talking about either (she's fairly new). She reached out to the person on my team who deals with physician issues. In the chain of emails, the nurse manager said they reached out to our department, without naming me and that I had told her to ask the educator.

The person on my team who handles physician issues is apparently upset that I didn't involve her first. She let me know that all physician things should come to her and I shouldn't forget that. 

I think I made a reasonable judgment.  

Yet, if things were twisted, one could construe that I am not a team player.

So I'm afraid. I'm not as popular as the other person on my team. The cool kids in the hospital (i.e. the physicians) like this popular girl.

I fear getting dinged again. I don't like how that feels, especially when I am such a conscientious person and I try to do the right thing. We'll see if this comes up again.

What is up with this fear? Why am I obsessing?

Maybe it's time for therapy again. It has been about 8 years since I had a therapist, maybe it's time again.