Irritation

I am trying very hard to "suck it up" and "take one for the team" at work, by keeping quiet. It's getting increasingly difficult.

While I don't complain much at work about my current three-in-a-row schedule (perhaps more accurately, I'm trying...) it's really wearing on me. I'm exhausted again today. I'm angry about it because I'm over tired, and I regret my comments at work because I can't keep my mouth shut. I *know* that I have the tendency to to do this when I'm over tired, which is *precisely* why I do not schedule to work 3 shifts in a row.

This month I had to be scheduled this way. And now, they are getting what they paid for. Bitchy me. And, I'm not the only bitchy nurse on the floor. We're all stressed out. Our boss is changing things and watching our process try to recover. It's tough. We weren't optimized before; now we're even less optimized.

When I'm in the role of charge nurse, I feel that I have a responsibility to voice the nurses concerns (filtered, of course) to the management. I feel that my job is to support the floor nurses as best I can, deflect the bullshit as much as possible and allow them to do the best caregiving they can. But, by voicing these concerns, I become undesirable.

I don't know what to say right now. I'm sitting at the computer, starting sentences that make no sense, and I delete them and start over. All I can say is that I am sad, angry, and frustrated. My unit doesn't feel like a very good fit for me any more. My new boss seems to be much more political than I was used to, and she seems to have less respect for floor nursing than my previous boss. She doesn't seem patient focused - she seems doctor focused and power focused. I don't like it. It's so important to me to be valued. I don't feel it right now.

And hell, I do an amazing job.

I wish I knew where I needed to go. The cath lab and EP labs are out because it's all the same manager.

I would rather not change institutions, though; I like this hospital. Yet, my gut feeling is that if I apply for another job within my hospital (which my boss will know), my future at my current unit will be over.

Time for some discernment. I mean, my work is supposed to be about joy. I must seek joy.