Saturday

Today is Saturday. I'm quite tired today and I want to do a few things today, but finding the energy is tough. Maybe I should just accept my fatigue, take it easy today, and stop worrying.

Lately I have had some dreams about my former life in North Carolina. I miss it there and I wish I didn't have to leave five years ago. What dose this mean? My dreams have to do with going back and seeing how things continued marvelously without me. In the dream, we went to visit the subdivision and our old house. The current owner who, in the dream, was not the couple who bought the house from us, had made astounding upgrades to our house and raised its value by at least $100,000. It was impressive and beautiful.

I'm wondering what it means. When I woke up, I was sad about it. Sad that it wasn't mine anymore, and sad that it improved without me. Sad that I couldn't manage to do all of those improvements.

At the moment, I'm thinking it has to do with my job. I was very comfortable in my job until recently. We got a new manager, and she is changing things (oh, the horrors). It's really not that bad, but I do have some trouble with change when it first happens. I'm feeling like the new manager is moving in her posse and will soon be moving out those who aren't in her posse. I've tried a few times to get in the posse, and I think it's useless to try. I'm simply not in the popular crowd.

This is the same manager who chose not to interview me for the cath lab job last summer.

Perhaps I am making too much of this. Perhaps I need to focus on my purpose in being a bedside nurse again, and remember that I can only do small things with great love. Perhaps I should refocus on being a good soldier at work, and not strive to be a leader. Maybe I should focus my genius and entrepreneurial drive on my personal business, and let work be a way to serve God and the community, and of course, serve my financial needs. I still like my job a lot. It's more satisfying than my old job.

Yet once again, I find myself in a position where I want to be something and get frustrated that I am not elevated and supported. I see others get this kind of mentoring and support and they become managers and vice presidents, and such. Why not me?

I don't know.

Might as well concentrate on what I can control.

Incidentally, it's a cold, gray day here, and it's winter. This undoubtedly puts a bias on my attitude.