Faith

Another posting on faith. It's Sunday, after all.

When I was in nursing school, one of my fellow students decided to have a Bible Study at her house. She rented a 9-week series by Beth Moore called "Believing God." It was pretty good. We watched a video in a group one day a week, then individually, we would work in a workbook over the next 7 days, exploring the theme of that week's presentation. My classmate invited some of her friends as well as some other students.

I think I was the only classmate who made it through the whole thing. Besides the organizer, of course.

I'm rereading my workbook from the Bible Study. It's an interesting read - there are lessons and there are sections we were supposed to fill out, which I did. I did most of the Bible readings and I answered the questions. I didn't always fill out the devotional sections or personal reflections. Nevertheless, I got something out of it. Reading the Bible is certainly not a waste of time, at the very least.

I guess what I'm pondering today is how much I've forgotten about the study. It was an uplifting, edifying study. I have forgotten how much stronger it made me feel.

I might like to do a Bible study again. One challenge is that I go to the middle church service and they schedule all of the adult Sunday school classes during that time - I guess it's for the convenience of those who go to the early service or the late service. Fine. I also don't have a consistent night free with my current work schedule, so evening based programs are difficult.

So much for that.

I think I'll keep reading this notebook though. I feel a bit lost lately, searching for direction, in some ways.

Better

Things are a little better now. I noticed that the cath lab nurse job is no longer posted, so it must be filled. At least I tried.

Sewing has helped. Thumbing my nose at work one day last week also helped. Long story - it really wasn't a big deal, but it made me feel better.

Here are a few pictures of Aunt Millie's Garden in progress. I'm charmed.

The Pit....in August?

The Pit - the name of my depression. It is unusual for me to be in the Pit in summer. Why?

Clearly the sentinel event was that I was declined for a cath lab interview. The situation is intensified by the fact that I get to see the people they are interviewing as they show them our unit. Isn't that just swell?

I have been thinking of why this is bothering me so much. I mean, after all, I was rather luke warm about applying because of the on-call demands of the position. Obviously it touched a nerve. My conclusion is this: I do not like to be told I'm inadequate.

Yeah, sure, who doesn't?

It's something I struggle with, as my previous blogging suggests. It hurts because I've tried again and again to be everything and to be above question. Dammit, I cross all my T's and dot all my I's. Why am I not enough?

Seriously, though, I am as inadequate as anyone else. Similarly, I am as competant as anyone else. In this case, I simply do not have what they are looking for. What's wrong with that? Nothing, really.

As usual, the only way I can come to terms with this is to focus on me. It comes down to what I want. There is a clear path to get there, which is to spend at least 2 years in an intensive care unit and get that experience. I'll probably need a Master's degree too if I want to progress beyond that. I work at an academic hospital. They place great value on certifications, qualifications, and degrees.

I am protesting because I just don't want to do it. Yeah, I could - it's not a matter of feeling like I "can't" or "couldn't." Certainly I could. I must determine if that goal is worth a large cost of my time, effort, free time, emotional energy, and money. I also need to think what if they change the criteria, or they don't have a position for me, or they find some other reason not to hire me even after I do all those things.

I want to keep working on my quilts and crafts, dammit. I want to stay with the symphony. I don't want to give that up yet to go to classes, take tests, work weekends, and screw up, and take more tests. I did it once, when I went to nursing school in 2004, and it was friggin' hard. Need I do it again?

I don't know what to do next. I don't know. For now, status quo.


Another reason for the Pit is the weather. It has been gray, cool and rainy for the past several days.

What a shitty summer, weather wise. I don't think we broke 100 degrees even once.

*sigh* I need to post on my quilting instead. Much happier topic, no doubt.

Rejected

I did not get an interview with the cath lab. It was my lack of critical care experience that disqualified me.

I feel conflicting things about this rejection. I am not sure how to interpret it. Perhaps it is timing. Perhaps the manager doesn't want to work with me (I have pissed her off a few times recently...but I didn't think those instances were major). Perhaps God doesn't want me to take that career path. Perhaps I should get the critical care experience. Perhaps someone else doesn't want me on that team. Perhaps when my ego gets involved, I am doomed. As soon as I think I *am* something, I am humbled.

In one sense, I am relieved; I don't have to make a decision.

I'm not sure what to do next.

The Girlfriend Getaway

On Sunday I returned from my girlfriend getaway vacation with my east coast friend, AB. We had a very nice time touring Boston. On the first day we arrived and just hung out at the hotel. It was fairly late.

The second day we walked the entire Freedom Trail. We got the cancellation stamps in our National Parks Passports for every site that had one along the trail. We saw American historical sites. Lunch was at Quincy Market, and I enjoyed vegetarian Moussaka from a Greek food stall in the food court area. AB enjoyed Spanakopita. For dinner we indulged in some delicious Italian food in Boston's Little Italy at a place called G'Vanni's, (free plug!), where we befriended the couple at the table next to us, and we talked away the mealtime. The food was very good, and we totally enjoyed it. The day concluded with some decadent desserts from Mike's Pastry carried home to the hotel room. I chose a cannoli. Can't go wrong with that.

Day three was a trip out into the harbor to visit two islands, George's Island and Peddocks Island. Another perfect day for touring, with temps in the upper 70s and low humidity. We wandered around George's Island first, then had a picnic lunch...including a few Italian butter cookies from Mike's Pastry we'd bought the night before. Yum-o. Peddock's Island was a short ferry ride away, and we toured the defunct army fort with an enthusiastic ranger named Jude. After that hike, we took the ferry back to George's Island, then back the harbor.

Our hotel was a few blocks from China Town, so we had Asian food that last night. I had some good Massaman Curry after some fresh spring rolls for an appetizer. Another good night of sleep and we were back home on Sunday, which was day four.

Here are some nice things about this little vacation. The deal I got with the hotel room included buffet breakfast two of the three mornings; the hotel buffet was just awesome. The hotel itself was very good and it smelled delightful - kind of a white ginger/ honeysuckle/ lily of the valley scent, I would call it. It was close to everything we wanted to see. I found some fun things to buy in Boston, including some Christmas presents.

The picture at the top of this post was from Quincy Market! At the vendor cart called "Teeny Billboards", I bought the drawing from the vast selection of cartoon pictures depicting various family/friend groups. Some colors are already completed, and the artist adds your caption, your names (which I cropped out, for privacy purposes) hair color and skin color. I'm the blond. Too cute. The artist is Judy Truedson.

It is not straightforward to get to Boston from Kansas City and back, so I had stops and layovers. On Sunday morning, I went to the Boston airport early on Sunday to see AB off. This left me with nearly 4 hours before my flight. To fill the time, I indulged in a pedicure at the spa in the terminal which was so relaxing, and gave me metallic orange toenails. I completed my novel on my Amazon Kindle, Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt, and I got a lot of my applique project done. The layover in Milwaukee was almost 3 hours, and it turned out to be fortunate. A terrible thunderstorm rolled through while I waited. Would not want to be flying in *that* mess.

I need to post some updated pictures of my Aunt Millie's Garden (applique) project. It's coming along really nicely.

I should also post my impressions on the Kindle, too. So far, I like it. Maybe it will encourage me to read more.

Since I went right back to work on Monday, it has taken me most of today to get reestablished at home and feel relaxed from the trip. I'm so glad AB and I do this every year. It's so special, so unique, and always fun.