More Guilt

An official screw up. I was scheduled to work today, but I had missed it - that is, I didn't transfer it from my copy of the schedule to my computer calendar. I don't know why. I remember seeing it when the schedule first came out in early December. Somehow I missed it on my calendar and never caught it.

I had a hell of a week. It wasn't that too much went badly; I was primarily stressed and overly busy. I did remarkably well with my IV's this week. My previous post indicated some of the challenges. I was sick early in the week, my husband was away for work for most of the week, I had to come into work for an extra 4-hour event, and the garage door opener died. This all left me very scattered. I did not get enough down time this week. This is what happens.

Yeh, just in case I wasn't stressed enough, let's add this.

You know what I think the real cause was? I skipped church over the last 3 weeks. I could have gone all of those weeks, but I chose not to. See, I need to go to church for balance and discipline. It's like a psych medication...when things are going well, I don't think I need it any more.

I let the team down and the resulting guilt is very painful to me. I'm trying a new strategy to let it go...because, after all, what is done, is done. I told them I could be there in about 1 hour, but they said they'd cover it - someone will have to work extra hours to compensate for my screw up. My new strategy is to allow myself to feel guilty about it for 1 hour. To really wallow in the guilt and then let it go. This post is part of my wallowing. My hour is almost up.

In my previous career, I don't recall feeling this way. Mostly, I could plan around a screw up. So I'd feel anxiety and worry instead - worrying whether I'd get a task done in time or if I'd thought of everything in my coding. I don't remember feeling guilty for introducing bugs into code. I probably did, though, early on before I built up resiliency. I don't remember feeling a sense of "letting the team down."

And, as I read that previous paragraph again, it seems like the anxiety back then was not that big a deal. Oh, it was! I worried myself into a frenzy often.

It is difficult to be a conscientious person in this world.

These feelings are why I don't think I'd make a good parent. I don't deal with the feelings well, I don't know how to teach a child how to deal with them well, and they feel like torture. Why would I want to impose this situation on another person?