Guilt

One of the things I did not expect when I became a nurse was how guilty I feel sometimes. Things don't always go as planned, and I feel horrible about it. If only, if only.... if only I had more skill, more experience....

In my defense, my intentions are honest. I'm just so not perfect.

What happened yesterday at work was that I had a relatively young patient who had a procedure. As with most of our procedures, there is a bed rest period afterwards. This means, you can't get up and going to the bathroom when you have to pee. Men have a definite advantage here - it relatively easy to use a urinal. Women have to use a bed pan. Such was the case with my patient, a young lady. But she could not let it go! We put her on the bedpan and she couldn't go. I tried every non-invasive trick I knew, but to no avail. She got upset. She was physically uncomfortable, emotionally vulnerable, and she worked herself up into a frenzy. Her heart rate climbed.

I offered her a catheter, which she kind of interpreted as a threat. This made her cry even more. I explained to her that it's not so bad and it would give her immediate relief. Nevertheless, we decided that is what needed to be done. I had another nurse help me because I am not so adept as to be able to hold all those folds of flesh apart to find the proper place to insert the catheter. Still, even with two of us, we just couldn't find her urethra.

I felt so bad. We poked at her for a while and finally found it. Success! And she drained a LOT of urine; yes she was uncomfortable. Once she felt better she stopped crying and calmed down.

I feel guilty because it was such an ordeal. It took three tries. The environment was slippery and soft and hard to see what we were doing. There soft tissue, lubricant, and betadine all in the mix, and you're trying to keep it sterile. It was embarrassing to her, having these two old ladies poking around in her privates, and she was young enough to still be modest. I knew it was just the worst experience for her.

I really tried to do the right thing. It just hurts me when stuff like this fails. I'm supposed to help, but I end up hurting as much as helping.

I guess I'll know to retire when this kind of thing doesn't bother me any more.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.