I would like to have a small group of women to work on our quilts together with. I mentioned this in my guild's yahoo group and lo and behold, I was volunteered to organize something. I set out a sign up sheet. While I expected maybe a dozen people to sign up, 23 of us did.
This became a bigger problem. People also put in requests, like "I want to be with Juanita and Helga" and "I can only do it at night." A more difficult problem.
I procrastinated getting started on the organization process. It seemed overwhelming. Then, another guild member offered her assistance. This was the motivation I needed. We came up with a preliminary list grouping and now I have to follow up getting these groups together. This includes contacting everyone, identifying a leader, and getting them all in contact with each other. There were some people who needed to be contacted directly to see which group they'd be more interested in. We tried to organize them into geographical groups.
I was supposed to go into work this afternoon for a meeting, but I decided to cancel due to the weather. It is yukky out - about 2 inches of snow has fallen and the roads are slippery. I don't want to drive in during afternoon rush hour for a meeting, on my day off. I hope this is OK - it may imperil my progress with getting more integrated and involved at my job. But I just think about the hassle if something were to happen like a car accident, or how long I'll be on the road in a traffic nightmare.
As a result, I have the afternoon free. I really should set up these bees or at least get the outstanding questions addressed.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
Quilting inspiration
I wish I had some inspiration. I missed the last meeting of the guild, and I am not working on anything. I sure need some inspiration. I have projects in the works and in my mind, I just need to do it.
But, I am still working on my home clean up projects. The basement is a mess as I reorganize things and clean out. This is a worthwhile effort, but it's taking time away from my craft projects. I have almost completed the reorganization of the office and the place looks so much better! This gives me motivation to continue this thankless work.
I have been knitting a fair amount. Over the holidays I made myself a silly little hat, which I enjoy wearing. I finished Kevin's scarf, but I still need to sew on the fringe. I finished the pillow but I need to sew it together and buy a pillow form to stuff it with. Those are some of my tasks for today.
I am finally settling into my old "daily" routine. I am getting more involved in my job this year, and the symphony is back in practice (fun!).
The quilters guild asked me to do the newsletter again next year and I readily agreed. Apparently, people can only serve in the same officer position for 2 years; I'll be done after next year. It is fun to do the newsletter.
But, I am still working on my home clean up projects. The basement is a mess as I reorganize things and clean out. This is a worthwhile effort, but it's taking time away from my craft projects. I have almost completed the reorganization of the office and the place looks so much better! This gives me motivation to continue this thankless work.
I have been knitting a fair amount. Over the holidays I made myself a silly little hat, which I enjoy wearing. I finished Kevin's scarf, but I still need to sew on the fringe. I finished the pillow but I need to sew it together and buy a pillow form to stuff it with. Those are some of my tasks for today.
I am finally settling into my old "daily" routine. I am getting more involved in my job this year, and the symphony is back in practice (fun!).
The quilters guild asked me to do the newsletter again next year and I readily agreed. Apparently, people can only serve in the same officer position for 2 years; I'll be done after next year. It is fun to do the newsletter.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
A Child of the Dark
This time of the year, I live in the dark. When I work, I wake up in the dark, I go to work in the dark, and I leave in the dark. I literally forget what my back yard looks like. On my days off, it is a little surprising to me to be in the house and have it light outside.
It's very difficult for me. It's hard not to get depressed. I do, usually.
Being aware of it doesn't cure it.
I have scheduled my LASIK eye surgery. It is on 2/12.
I am not nervous (yet). I actually anticipate it eagerly and I am noticing more the annoying things about wearing glasses. Some of the things that bother me are when I have to change glasses going inside and outside (sunglasses), how my glasses flop down when I am doing yoga (in the inverted poses), how annoying it is to put on a turtleneck top with glasses. I'm noticing how many times I run into things, kick things accidentally, or misjudge distances. Glasses interfere with my peripheral vision. The current styles of glasses are smaller, so they restrict my field of vision.
One thing I'm a little worried about, purely at an emotional level, is whether once I get the surgery, I'll appear to myself as fatter, in the mirror. I have noticed, on those rare occasions when I wear contacts, that things appear bigger to me. It makes sense that the glasses bend the light enough to make things look smaller.
Heh, I could probably use a dose of reality.
Why don't I wear contacts? I find them uncomfortable. I am OK with them for a couple of hours, but wearing them all day and working in them is just too long and too irritating. I end up with bright pink eyes the next day. When I was in college I tried wearing them all of the time, and some kind of deposits formed on them. I wore them anyway, and ended up with scratched corneas. That hurt like hell. I still tried, though, in the name of beauty. Naively, I went to the eye doctor, wondering why my eyes felt raw all the time. Duh.
That was the end of my wearing of contacts regularly. They also don't correct my astigmatism well at all.
I went to church last week and the Friday previous, I went to yoga. I had a much much better week this week. It may seem like superstition; I think not.
My husband is sick again. He's always sick. It gives him an excuse not to do anything around the house or to be social.
I wonder if it's my perception that he's sick frequently or if he really is. I also wonder if he uses the "I'm not feeling well" excuse for whenever he's tired, bored, depressed, or whatever. He knows that this excuse will get me off his back for chores - after all, what the hell can I do about the sickness? A sick person does deserve quiet and rest to recover.
I am on my own today. Well, almost. I don't have free reign of the house, so no excessive cleaning or activity around him.
Additionally, I wonder if he even wants to be well or feel energetic. He doesn't do much exercise. He doesn't eat all that well, despite being vegetarian ("I don't like....this vegetable, that type of soup....blah blah blah").
It just bugs me when he lazes around all day, wanting to be left alone, and then in the evening, he might want sex. Sorry, but your being lazy, booger-y, grunty, smelly, and sleepy all day is not a turn-on. Cooking for you, being left alone, having no interaction is not my idea of foreplay, either.
It's very difficult for me. It's hard not to get depressed. I do, usually.
Being aware of it doesn't cure it.
Eyesight
I have scheduled my LASIK eye surgery. It is on 2/12.
I am not nervous (yet). I actually anticipate it eagerly and I am noticing more the annoying things about wearing glasses. Some of the things that bother me are when I have to change glasses going inside and outside (sunglasses), how my glasses flop down when I am doing yoga (in the inverted poses), how annoying it is to put on a turtleneck top with glasses. I'm noticing how many times I run into things, kick things accidentally, or misjudge distances. Glasses interfere with my peripheral vision. The current styles of glasses are smaller, so they restrict my field of vision.
One thing I'm a little worried about, purely at an emotional level, is whether once I get the surgery, I'll appear to myself as fatter, in the mirror. I have noticed, on those rare occasions when I wear contacts, that things appear bigger to me. It makes sense that the glasses bend the light enough to make things look smaller.
Heh, I could probably use a dose of reality.
Why don't I wear contacts? I find them uncomfortable. I am OK with them for a couple of hours, but wearing them all day and working in them is just too long and too irritating. I end up with bright pink eyes the next day. When I was in college I tried wearing them all of the time, and some kind of deposits formed on them. I wore them anyway, and ended up with scratched corneas. That hurt like hell. I still tried, though, in the name of beauty. Naively, I went to the eye doctor, wondering why my eyes felt raw all the time. Duh.
That was the end of my wearing of contacts regularly. They also don't correct my astigmatism well at all.
Follow up on Guilt
I went to church last week and the Friday previous, I went to yoga. I had a much much better week this week. It may seem like superstition; I think not.
Sickness
My husband is sick again. He's always sick. It gives him an excuse not to do anything around the house or to be social.
I wonder if it's my perception that he's sick frequently or if he really is. I also wonder if he uses the "I'm not feeling well" excuse for whenever he's tired, bored, depressed, or whatever. He knows that this excuse will get me off his back for chores - after all, what the hell can I do about the sickness? A sick person does deserve quiet and rest to recover.
I am on my own today. Well, almost. I don't have free reign of the house, so no excessive cleaning or activity around him.
Additionally, I wonder if he even wants to be well or feel energetic. He doesn't do much exercise. He doesn't eat all that well, despite being vegetarian ("I don't like....this vegetable, that type of soup....blah blah blah").
It just bugs me when he lazes around all day, wanting to be left alone, and then in the evening, he might want sex. Sorry, but your being lazy, booger-y, grunty, smelly, and sleepy all day is not a turn-on. Cooking for you, being left alone, having no interaction is not my idea of foreplay, either.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
More Guilt
An official screw up. I was scheduled to work today, but I had missed it - that is, I didn't transfer it from my copy of the schedule to my computer calendar. I don't know why. I remember seeing it when the schedule first came out in early December. Somehow I missed it on my calendar and never caught it.
I had a hell of a week. It wasn't that too much went badly; I was primarily stressed and overly busy. I did remarkably well with my IV's this week. My previous post indicated some of the challenges. I was sick early in the week, my husband was away for work for most of the week, I had to come into work for an extra 4-hour event, and the garage door opener died. This all left me very scattered. I did not get enough down time this week. This is what happens.
Yeh, just in case I wasn't stressed enough, let's add this.
You know what I think the real cause was? I skipped church over the last 3 weeks. I could have gone all of those weeks, but I chose not to. See, I need to go to church for balance and discipline. It's like a psych medication...when things are going well, I don't think I need it any more.
I let the team down and the resulting guilt is very painful to me. I'm trying a new strategy to let it go...because, after all, what is done, is done. I told them I could be there in about 1 hour, but they said they'd cover it - someone will have to work extra hours to compensate for my screw up. My new strategy is to allow myself to feel guilty about it for 1 hour. To really wallow in the guilt and then let it go. This post is part of my wallowing. My hour is almost up.
In my previous career, I don't recall feeling this way. Mostly, I could plan around a screw up. So I'd feel anxiety and worry instead - worrying whether I'd get a task done in time or if I'd thought of everything in my coding. I don't remember feeling guilty for introducing bugs into code. I probably did, though, early on before I built up resiliency. I don't remember feeling a sense of "letting the team down."
And, as I read that previous paragraph again, it seems like the anxiety back then was not that big a deal. Oh, it was! I worried myself into a frenzy often.
It is difficult to be a conscientious person in this world.
These feelings are why I don't think I'd make a good parent. I don't deal with the feelings well, I don't know how to teach a child how to deal with them well, and they feel like torture. Why would I want to impose this situation on another person?
I had a hell of a week. It wasn't that too much went badly; I was primarily stressed and overly busy. I did remarkably well with my IV's this week. My previous post indicated some of the challenges. I was sick early in the week, my husband was away for work for most of the week, I had to come into work for an extra 4-hour event, and the garage door opener died. This all left me very scattered. I did not get enough down time this week. This is what happens.
Yeh, just in case I wasn't stressed enough, let's add this.
You know what I think the real cause was? I skipped church over the last 3 weeks. I could have gone all of those weeks, but I chose not to. See, I need to go to church for balance and discipline. It's like a psych medication...when things are going well, I don't think I need it any more.
I let the team down and the resulting guilt is very painful to me. I'm trying a new strategy to let it go...because, after all, what is done, is done. I told them I could be there in about 1 hour, but they said they'd cover it - someone will have to work extra hours to compensate for my screw up. My new strategy is to allow myself to feel guilty about it for 1 hour. To really wallow in the guilt and then let it go. This post is part of my wallowing. My hour is almost up.
In my previous career, I don't recall feeling this way. Mostly, I could plan around a screw up. So I'd feel anxiety and worry instead - worrying whether I'd get a task done in time or if I'd thought of everything in my coding. I don't remember feeling guilty for introducing bugs into code. I probably did, though, early on before I built up resiliency. I don't remember feeling a sense of "letting the team down."
And, as I read that previous paragraph again, it seems like the anxiety back then was not that big a deal. Oh, it was! I worried myself into a frenzy often.
It is difficult to be a conscientious person in this world.
These feelings are why I don't think I'd make a good parent. I don't deal with the feelings well, I don't know how to teach a child how to deal with them well, and they feel like torture. Why would I want to impose this situation on another person?
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Guilt
One of the things I did not expect when I became a nurse was how guilty I feel sometimes. Things don't always go as planned, and I feel horrible about it. If only, if only.... if only I had more skill, more experience....
In my defense, my intentions are honest. I'm just so not perfect.
What happened yesterday at work was that I had a relatively young patient who had a procedure. As with most of our procedures, there is a bed rest period afterwards. This means, you can't get up and going to the bathroom when you have to pee. Men have a definite advantage here - it relatively easy to use a urinal. Women have to use a bed pan. Such was the case with my patient, a young lady. But she could not let it go! We put her on the bedpan and she couldn't go. I tried every non-invasive trick I knew, but to no avail. She got upset. She was physically uncomfortable, emotionally vulnerable, and she worked herself up into a frenzy. Her heart rate climbed.
I offered her a catheter, which she kind of interpreted as a threat. This made her cry even more. I explained to her that it's not so bad and it would give her immediate relief. Nevertheless, we decided that is what needed to be done. I had another nurse help me because I am not so adept as to be able to hold all those folds of flesh apart to find the proper place to insert the catheter. Still, even with two of us, we just couldn't find her urethra.
I felt so bad. We poked at her for a while and finally found it. Success! And she drained a LOT of urine; yes she was uncomfortable. Once she felt better she stopped crying and calmed down.
I feel guilty because it was such an ordeal. It took three tries. The environment was slippery and soft and hard to see what we were doing. There soft tissue, lubricant, and betadine all in the mix, and you're trying to keep it sterile. It was embarrassing to her, having these two old ladies poking around in her privates, and she was young enough to still be modest. I knew it was just the worst experience for her.
I really tried to do the right thing. It just hurts me when stuff like this fails. I'm supposed to help, but I end up hurting as much as helping.
I guess I'll know to retire when this kind of thing doesn't bother me any more.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
In my defense, my intentions are honest. I'm just so not perfect.
What happened yesterday at work was that I had a relatively young patient who had a procedure. As with most of our procedures, there is a bed rest period afterwards. This means, you can't get up and going to the bathroom when you have to pee. Men have a definite advantage here - it relatively easy to use a urinal. Women have to use a bed pan. Such was the case with my patient, a young lady. But she could not let it go! We put her on the bedpan and she couldn't go. I tried every non-invasive trick I knew, but to no avail. She got upset. She was physically uncomfortable, emotionally vulnerable, and she worked herself up into a frenzy. Her heart rate climbed.
I offered her a catheter, which she kind of interpreted as a threat. This made her cry even more. I explained to her that it's not so bad and it would give her immediate relief. Nevertheless, we decided that is what needed to be done. I had another nurse help me because I am not so adept as to be able to hold all those folds of flesh apart to find the proper place to insert the catheter. Still, even with two of us, we just couldn't find her urethra.
I felt so bad. We poked at her for a while and finally found it. Success! And she drained a LOT of urine; yes she was uncomfortable. Once she felt better she stopped crying and calmed down.
I feel guilty because it was such an ordeal. It took three tries. The environment was slippery and soft and hard to see what we were doing. There soft tissue, lubricant, and betadine all in the mix, and you're trying to keep it sterile. It was embarrassing to her, having these two old ladies poking around in her privates, and she was young enough to still be modest. I knew it was just the worst experience for her.
I really tried to do the right thing. It just hurts me when stuff like this fails. I'm supposed to help, but I end up hurting as much as helping.
I guess I'll know to retire when this kind of thing doesn't bother me any more.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
New Year, New Post
Happy New Year!
This week I have a few extra days off and I am taking advantage of the time to work on the house. I have let things get a bit out of control and I would like to clean the place up a bit. Better organization, and create a more finished look. I recently went to a friend's house and it was meticulously decorated. I was envious (oh, not terribly so!) and I was inspired to work on my own home.
I would like to join the gym that's literally 1.5 blocks away from the house. It's a community center, not a commercial gym, so it's cheap to join. I joined last year and I used it for about 3 or 4 months. At the end of last year they did a remodel of the space, closing it down for about 4 months. I can't wait to see it now. I should go join up today.
I also had the courage to call and make an appointment for an evaluation for refractive surgery. I am near sighted and I wear glasses. I have tried contacts, but my eyes got irritated by them. I don't mind my glasses for the most part, but recently some things have begun to wear on me. I am tired of switching glasses when I go in/outside (sunglasses to regular glasses and back again). I recently bought some sunglasses, and I didn't get the expensive lenses. The cheap lenses were so thick, they distorted the frames and the glasses don't fit well. They fall off my face - insufferable - even after repeated fittings. And, most important of all, I have made peace with the fact that if I have the surgery, I may still need glasses. I can live with a partial solution, now. Ten years ago when I investigated the surgery, I could not live with less-than-perfect results.
I go for my evaluation tomorrow.
Yesterday, I noticed a hawk in our yard. I had swooped in and killed a Mourning Dove near our bird feeder. It ate the bird over about 40 minutes in the back yard. Very interesting to watch - not the eating and gore, but seeing the hawk, up close and personal. I think it was either a Cooper's Hawk or a Sharp Shinned Hawk, both of which are in our area of the country year round.
It's terribly cold here today. The temperature when I got up was 6.8 degrees. I just don't like it. I went out briefly to run some errands yesterday but mostly stayed home. It's sunny today, and I may go out, but I can't stand this cold.
I like the people here in Kansas, but shit, it's just too cold. And snow!! It freakin' snows here! I resent having to have moved here on days like this.
This week I have a few extra days off and I am taking advantage of the time to work on the house. I have let things get a bit out of control and I would like to clean the place up a bit. Better organization, and create a more finished look. I recently went to a friend's house and it was meticulously decorated. I was envious (oh, not terribly so!) and I was inspired to work on my own home.
I would like to join the gym that's literally 1.5 blocks away from the house. It's a community center, not a commercial gym, so it's cheap to join. I joined last year and I used it for about 3 or 4 months. At the end of last year they did a remodel of the space, closing it down for about 4 months. I can't wait to see it now. I should go join up today.
I also had the courage to call and make an appointment for an evaluation for refractive surgery. I am near sighted and I wear glasses. I have tried contacts, but my eyes got irritated by them. I don't mind my glasses for the most part, but recently some things have begun to wear on me. I am tired of switching glasses when I go in/outside (sunglasses to regular glasses and back again). I recently bought some sunglasses, and I didn't get the expensive lenses. The cheap lenses were so thick, they distorted the frames and the glasses don't fit well. They fall off my face - insufferable - even after repeated fittings. And, most important of all, I have made peace with the fact that if I have the surgery, I may still need glasses. I can live with a partial solution, now. Ten years ago when I investigated the surgery, I could not live with less-than-perfect results.
I go for my evaluation tomorrow.
Nature in the suburbs
Yesterday, I noticed a hawk in our yard. I had swooped in and killed a Mourning Dove near our bird feeder. It ate the bird over about 40 minutes in the back yard. Very interesting to watch - not the eating and gore, but seeing the hawk, up close and personal. I think it was either a Cooper's Hawk or a Sharp Shinned Hawk, both of which are in our area of the country year round.
Cold
It's terribly cold here today. The temperature when I got up was 6.8 degrees. I just don't like it. I went out briefly to run some errands yesterday but mostly stayed home. It's sunny today, and I may go out, but I can't stand this cold.
I like the people here in Kansas, but shit, it's just too cold. And snow!! It freakin' snows here! I resent having to have moved here on days like this.
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