Why I worry about my marriage

My husband and I don't always get along. He is a cut and dried introvert. I am somewhere in the middle between introvert and extrovert. I like to keep busy. He likes to be idle.

Mostly we deal with these differences alright. I keep busy, I join groups, I meet people, and I get involved (hence, my quilt guild, the church, the wind symphony). He rests up at home on his time off. He watches a lot of TV. He plays games on the computer.

Sometimes we run into conflicts, and today we had one. I decided I did not want to go to church today. It is never his decision whether we go to church or not. He goes most of the times I go. If I don't want to go, he doesn't go. Fine. That's just the way it is. So, I got busy around the house, cleaning up, and starting to work on my project to redecorate the basement. Mostly I worked on this alone. Occasionally I needed some help with a few things.

Apparently my redecorating and planning has upset him. He doesn't want anything to change downstairs. Piles of clutter is fine with him, as long as his speakers are aligned properly. He doesn't care if we still have boxes from when we moved in sitting around. It's important to keep those floppy disks, even if there isn't a floppy disk drive in the house. It's important to keep the boxes from software we don't use any more.

And then, what really gets me, is that he seems to want to have us sit around the house all day until he's ready to go out and do something. Then he's ready to go. Did he mention any plans to me earlier in the day? No. So, I'm in the middle of doing something else and I'm supposed to suddenly want to go out and do this or that.

He's annoyed when I don't want to drop what I'm doing. In fact, I think it devastates him. He takes the rejection as if I reject "who he is." Or something like that.

This is what happened today. I was working down the basement, and I came upstairs ready for a break and for lunch, and he says to me that he wants to see a movie. Fine. He did not tell me when, which movie or what. I am supposed to want to go. I declined the invitation; I had got in my mind all kinds of things to do around the house today, since I had no input from anyone else. He didn't tell me earlier this morning that he was thinking of going to the movies. He let me know 45 minutes before show time.

When I declined, I got the emotional cold shoulder, like I plan my day purposely to squash his plans. I keep busy just so he won't be able to do things. Well, he doesn't make plans or if he does, he doesn't tell me about them until the last minute. It seems like he expects me to laze around all day until he comes up with something to do. He may or may not come up with something to do. Who knows.

I think he might like me better when I am depressed. That's when I laze around.

Unfortunately, I don't like me when I'm depressed.

I worry about my marriage because I can tell my husband is thinking that if I reject his idea, I don't really "get" him, after all. I don't support him. I don't agree with what's important to him, so what's the point? If I want different things, then we aren't the same after all.

I think he thinks we should always be together in our free time and we should never fight. I think he thinks I should be able to intuit what he is feeling and thinking, if we were truly compatible and if I truly loved him. I think he thinks we should want the same things all the time, and want them deep down to our souls. It's not good enough to do something I may not like so much because I love him and want to make him happy. It has to be my heartfelt desire as well or else it's a lie.

I don't agree with this. I need my time away from him. I think having different goals is OK. Most of the time we're in agreement, anyway.

I worry about my marriage because maybe one day, he'll convince himself that the emotional torture I put him through is not worth the benefits of being married. His biggest fear with come true - that I'll say I don't really love him after all. And he'll leave.

My worries are mitigated in some ways because I don't think he will do it. I don't think he has the courage to make that decision on his own. I think sometimes he goads me to try to force me to make that decision for him - then he won't be the bad guy, wanting divorce. I will be the bad woman who never really loved him anyway. I think he'll try to make it bad enough for me that I'll leave as an act of self-preservation.

Sometimes if you look hard enough, you will find what you're looking for. Whether it is there or not.

Personally, I love the guy, and I think we're pretty compatible. We are not perfect together. I don't think any couple is, really. Most of the time I feel appreciated and valued. I try to do the same for him, but I admit, I'm not perfect. I build him up. I encourage him. We laugh together quite a bit.

Marriage is hard. It's a little easier after 10 years, but for me, the uncertainty doesn't go away.

After the Holidays

I spent a week in northern Arizona with my in-laws. It went very well and we had a good time. The group consisted of myself and my husband, my mother and father-in-law, and my brother and sister in law and their two kids.We were there from Sunday through Friday and that was a nice length of time.

My mother in law is an artist and she makes beautiful jewelry and accessories. I was fortunate enough to receive some earrings and some home items, including a wine stopper, a dish and some beaded utensils.

My husband got me a new computer! I'm so excited - it's a new iMac, so much faster than my Mac Mini. It's sleek, it's cool, it's pretty, and it's more than functional.

I also got a new book, the second in the series of biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt. She was a remarkable woman. I am not much of a reader, really, but this author (Blanche Wiesen Cook) writes well and makes the material interesting. I am somewhat surprised as I read this book at how things were for women in the 1920s and 30s. We have come a long way. Eleanor Roosevelt and her contingent were instrumental in changing how Americans regarded women.

Travel

The traveling out to Arizona was pleasantly uneventful. The flights there and back were smooth. There were two stressors on the way back. The rental car company made us fill out an incident report for some supposed scratches on the bumper. I wonder if they targeted us? We didn't hit anything or scratch anything with the car while we had it. They might target us because we're from out of town. Well, we filled out the report claiming we did nothing and I took pictures of the entire car exterior. Just in case.

The second stressor was that the "babe" who sat next to us on the plane apparently thought she was better than the regulations regarding use of a cell phone on the plane. We got her to stop eventually, but she was pretty nasty about it. Actually, my husband talked to her about it and she snapped back at him. I wish I could have said something. I'm such a wimp.

Family

Overall I like my in laws. I couldn't have asked for better family, all things considered. However, they are not the family I grew up with and as such, their habits are foreign. I am foreign to them, as well. This causes stress. So, leaving after 6 days was a good idea.

My brother in law doesn't talk much. He's hard to relate to. My father in law and mother in law talk a little too much. My father in law likes to goad people with purposely false or misleading statements, just to raise an argument. His comments aren't mean spirited, but they get annoying after a while.

Both parents in law raised a lot of issues with not communicating with them "enough." I defended myself because I actually do send them emails about once every month to 6 weeks with general news, pictures, or whatever. Since we don't have kids, our lives are not that interesting to relatives. My husband doesn't communicate with them hardly at all unless there is a specific purpose. For example, I had to ask my husband to tell them what our travel plans were. We knew what days we had reserved at the resort, so I guess, to him, it didn't matter exactly when we arrived or left. Why did they have to know? While in Arizona, I deflected all attempts at guilt from the parents in law. I get few rewards (i.e. emotional goodies) by maintaining the relationship with them all by myself. Therefore, I am not going to do all the work. I will do some, and I do, but if they want to feel close to their son, it is not my responsibility to enable it.

This family does not like plan or make decisions. This drives my sister in law and me crazy; however, after 10 years we have both adapted. We usually plan for everyone. If they don't like it, I'm more than willing to negotiate, but if they don't speak up, tough. At first, I felt like I was being trapped by the family -as if they were putting me in the position of guessing what they wanted to do, then being responsible if they were disappointed or displeased. I got over that.

Another thing about this family is that my father in law likes to drive. All the time. Anywhere. If it's a dirt road, and he doesn't know where it goes, he'll take it. He is not the best driver to suit my tastes. He steers rather jerkily at times, and he likes to drive fast on twisty curvy roads up the mountainside. We try not to let him drive all of us too much. My husband and I were kind of trapped because we didn't have any excuse to let us drive. My brother in law and sister in law had such excuses - the child seat was in their car, and two of them get car sick if the driving is not smooth.

Additionally, I think the driving issue has to do with power. Dad holds on to his patriarch status this way.

Somehow, I managed to negotiate to allow us to drive to the Grand Canyon on our outing. That was remarkable.

I paid for that negotiation with some snide comments, but I made a concerted effort to let them roll off my back. Dad wasn't too cruel to me overall. No one else would have stood up to him.

And, we did let him drive on the other days!! It was only moderately terrifying....

Enough Complaints

For the first time I can remember, I really felt like I was a part of the family. It is not their fault or anything - in general, I have difficulty feeling like I'm really a member of a group. I'm not sure why. I got to make the cake for dessert on Christmas. We brought the wrapping paper so we had nicely wrapped gifts on Christmas. I helped make decorations for the "Christmas Tree" (a decorated artificial birch tree in the villa). That was really nice and made the trip worthwhile.

So it was a Merry Christmas. It was different from others I had experienced before.

Back to real life again.

Mixed Nuts

A few thoughts before Christmas. I will be out of town for the holiday, leaving later today.

My husband gave me a new Mac for Christmas! I'm very excited - I had been using a Mac Mini for the past 3 years and I was outgrowing it. I now have a 20" iMac. Way cool. Now, if only it can support running Word, Excel, Adobe, and safari all at the same time while I'm working on the quilt guild newsletter.

Husband liked the gifts I got for him - a pub sign custom made with his name, the Blade Runner complete collectors edition Blu Ray DVD set, and getting the poster custom framed. I have one more thing for under the tree on Christmas day. It will make the day more fun. He doesn't know about it...unless he happens to read this entry before Christmas. He's an ethical guy. He won't.

It is so dark these days!! I have to keep reminding myself that the days are getting longer from today onward, to keep from getting too depressed. It is the time when I spend more time in the basement, which is where my sewing studio is located. Yesterday, even, I got four more blocks done on the quilt for our bed.

Now that Christmas is almost past, it is time to think about my home projects for the winter and spring. I would like to:

1. update the kitchen with a new dinette and new cabinet hardware


2. paint the family room


3. redecorate in the basement


4. improve the organization and neatness of the home office


5. have a yard sale in the spring

Ambitious goals. At least I don't have to do yard work this time of year. I hope I get one or two of these done.

Enough chatter for now. Hopefully I'll post again while I'm on vacation.

Christmas Gifts

I like giving and receiving gifts. It is fun to buy for someone, to think about someone and think about what would delight them. I don't usually feel obligated to buy gifts, and that makes it more fun.

I also like to send Christmas cards. For some of my friends, it's the only time I contact them and they contact me. Much to my dismay, Christmas cards seem to be going out of fashion! Emails are nice, but they aren't the same as getting a real card with real writing on it. I even like the Christmas form letter. It's fun to hear how people are doing. I like to sign all of my cards and I like to decorate the envelopes a little when I send them. Last year I custom-colored rubber stamps with special markers. This year I found some snowflake decals with super-fine glitter.

I have received some special gifts so far. My mom always goes overboard and buys all kinds of stuff. Most of the presents she gives are very thoughtful, unique and fun. Occasionally they are just weird. This year, she made me a cross stitch picture about quilts. It's beautiful. She also sent a perfume bottle, a cookie cook book (Gooseberry patch!), a pretty kitchen towel, a molded soap in the shape of a frog (it's really cute), and two books about dogs. My husband got a cross stitch picture of Eeyore. I like everything she sent this year.

I sent Mom a festive bouquet of flowers and a pretty needle case for her cross stitch needles. I found the case at a quilt shop in New York City when I went there in September. It's a small tube , about the size of a tube of chapstick, decorated with had-crafted flowers made of Fimo or Sculpy clay. My Dad got a gift basket of Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory goodies. He likes chocolate. A lot.

My niece Adia got a bed quilt. (See previous posts.) My niece Kendy got my old sewing machine (not the antique) and sewing supplies. I don't know what we're getting my nephew Dexter. He's only 5. Any toy will do, and we will see him on Christmas so we can wait til the last minute. We sent povitica (see www.povitica.com) to one set of brother and sister in laws. We have a hand-crafted bottle stopper for wine bottles for another set of brother and sister in law, the ones we will see at Christmas.

I gave my sister Marcia a pair of dichroic glass earrings I found at an art fair last summer. My mother in law will get a similar pair of earrings in a different color. Marcia like purple. Mom in law likes oranges.

My friend Ann got a pocket briefcase portfolio. She's a big-wig architect, and can probably use some nice business accessories. I even had it monogrammed for her! She sent me a fun Quilt kit and a gift card for JoAnns. She also sent pancake mix from Aunt Sarah's, which is a pancake house in Virginia and North Carolina. It's my favorite place to eat breakfast when I visit in Virginia.

I gave my boss a pot of crocus bulbs that she can force in the winter.

We received some edible goodies from my aunts and uncles, including Cheryl's cookies (those are *long* gone) and mixed nuts. My Mom and Dad in law sent us goodies from "Heart of the Desert" pistachios. They make the best green-chile pistachio nuts.

To me, gift giving is a way of expressing love and care. My mom is the same way - I guess that's how I learned it. I have long since abandoned any guilt or competition in gift giving....as a result, it is fun and satisfying. Several years ago, my brother and his wife sent out letters to everyone stating they no longer wanted gifts at Christmas and they weren't going to send any more to us. I found that very hurtful - not because I wasn't going to get anything, but because it seemed to eliminate a way of contacting and interacting with them. I expressed this to them, but I do respect their wishes. And ever since, we do interact even less. So be it.

Fortunately, they "let" relatives give gifts to their daughter, my niece Adia. I try not to make it too excessive in cost. Handmade things work well....or at least I think so.

I should write about my brother and his wife. They are odd birds, to me. Good people, mind you, but in some ways, just so weird.

Then again, so am I. So is my sister.

I haven't mentioned what I have for my husband. I might post later on this - don't want to spoil the surprise, if he happens to read this.

Merry merry Christmas!

On Depression

I struggle with depression every day of my life.

Some days it's easier than others. Today I'm having difficulty.

I think ever since I was an adolescent I had depression. To some degree I was taught to be depressed by the women in my family -it runs in the maternal side. That probably means I have a genetic disposition for depression as well.

Regardless of the "fault" (a bogus argument), I have it and I deal with depression almost all the time.

How Depression Feels to Me

Lately, my depression is a giant empty feeling, wondering "what's the point?" While I have searched for meaning in this world, I often feel like I am nothing. The world will function fine with or without me. Depression is loneliness. Depression is hopelessness.

None of these feelings are particularly logical; that characterizes depression, too. Depression makes me want to die.

I do think about suicide from time to time. Now, don't worry, I do not have a plan, and I won't do it (see below). But the reason it comes up is that sometimes I feel that if I have no point, no goal, no meaning in living here, now, in this place...why should I even bother? Why should I continue to use up resources? As you can see, I don't glorify killing myself - if I were to do it, I wouldn't do it so that I'd be "famous" or some other grandiose bullshit like that.

Feelings of doubt and feelings of regret feel like torture to me. Disappointing my expectations is exquisitely painful. These are the feelings that I want relief from. A recent example is how utterly despondent I feel when I fail at placing an IV over and over again.

History

I started addressing depression when I went to therapy in the early 1990s. I expected to be cured of depression and anxiety, but this is not the case. Instead I learned tools to deal with it, and I learned to forgive myself and my family for being as imperfect as we are. I also learned to take antidepressants.

How I resisted taking these pills!! I thought it would change "who I am." In American culture, protecting one's unique sense of self and identity is highly valued, regardless of whether that self is good, bad, or indifferent. The pain of depression and anxiety beat me down and I finally agreed. I took Prozac. I was better.

While on the antidepressant, I found I was "lighter." By this, I mean I was not burdened by the little everyday challenges we all encounter as much as I had been. I seemed to bounce back from setbacks more easily. My therapist characterized me as having "less of an edge." I was delighted to find that my appetite decreased. I lost some weight (sadly, it was only temporary). I did better in my job, and I did better with my interpersonal relationships.

In fact, while on Prozac, I found my current husband and succeeded in getting married. I even improved my relationships with my mother, father, and siblings.

Why would I ever stop? The paradox of psych medicine is if they are working, you don't think you need them. Additionally, I stopped doing therapy after a while when I felt I wasn't getting much out of it any more. Without a doctor, you can't get Prozac, legally, at least.

There's more history of my return to therapy but I don't want to talk about that right now.

Coping

I cope almost every day. Some of the things I do to deal with it are the following.

Religion helps me a lot. I believe in a merciful God who loves me. I believe in a God who has a purpose for my life and because I am God's beloved creation, I am deeply compelled to respect that purpose, and I need to fulfill it. Perhaps my purpose is humble. Perhaps my main purpose in living has already been fulfilled, and now I am here only for the grace of God. Therefore, if I am thinking of ending it all, I reason that at the very least, I can feed a hungry person, clean a room, give some change to charity, or pray for someone. Those purposes are highly valued in God's realm. I believe that if I ever need to leave the secular world and its screwed up values, there is a place for me among the humble, the lowly, God's beloved children. For this reason, I will not kill myself.

You can relax now. Please don't call the authorities.

Keeping busy also helps. I got this tip from a magazine many years ago, and apparently it's from Eastern philosophy. If I am depressed, do a project. Sometimes I cook something nice (especially bread - I find bread baking very therapeutic). I work on my sewing projects. Sometimes I clean. Sometimes I shop or browse at a special store I don't go to often, or someplace that takes a lot of time to shop at (like Big Lots, or Tuesday Morning, or even Old Pottery).

Exercise works as well. I find yoga very helpful - I can concentrate on form and balance without the pressure of being perfect. Aerobic exercise really helps, but I have trouble motivating myself to do it. I also like to walk the dogs.

Introspection and journaling, such as this very blog, helps. I find it soothing and calming to express myself...in fact I would argue that it's necessary for me!!! In the past, I have used therapists to fulfill this need. I am getting tired of therapy - I am finding it somewhat self-indulgent at this point in my life. Many therapists have told me about the value of journaling, and I have resisted it up until now. It seemed like so much work! I suppose it's time.

My latest therapist (during nursing school) suggested a brief journal, using a tiny memo book, with one page per day. Only write one page with your thoughts and feelings at the moment. This technique actually worked for me.

Getting "outside" of myself is another strategy. It's hard to focus on yourself when you're helping someone else. As an aside, this is another reason why I became a nurse. How curious! A career change to promote my own mental health!!

Little perks and indulgences provide a sense of being cared for. The types of things that work are manicures, buying fresh flowers, getting my hair done, a massage, bowling, doing a "paint your pot" ceramic project, going out to breakfast, or seeing a movie.

Finally, being involved in music again has helped immensely. Singing is very uplifting. Now that I'm playing clarinet again, I feel like I am a part of something special. As long as I keep humble and not fall into the trap of thinking I'm superior, then I enjoy the experience and the blessing of participation.

Wallowing

Sometimes I wallow in my depression. I do my best not to get stuck in it. Sometimes I wonder if there is spiritual gain or value in being depressed - perhaps it is unwise to try to squash them out all the time. Maybe there's a purpose of being in the depressed "place" for a while.

In some ways, depression is like a bad weather system. Sometimes you can continue to do your daily life despite the weather. Other times you change your plans a little because of the weather. Still other times, you hunker down and wait it out.

Depression actually motivates change for me. When I get depressed, I don't like the feeling, so I try to figure out what causes it and how I can change to avoid it. Sometimes I find an answer, sometimes I don't.

Conclusion

When I was younger, I didn't have the tools to deal with depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, no one taught me how to deal with it - I was "bad" if I felt this way, and I needed to deny it, ignore it, or just get over it. The result was not pretty. When I was younger I was bulimic and I episodes of manic depression. And at some points I was seriously suicidal.

Now that I am older, I don't have those extremes so much any more. Thank God for that!!! However, as I stated before, I deal with it almost every day of my life. I don't like it very much. This is the hand I have been dealt. There are plenty of fantastic things about me, too, and over time, I have come to accept the entire package.

Quilt plan for 2008

I completed Adia's quilt and mailed it this week for her Christmas gift. I am pleased with how it turned out. Of course there are things I would have changed had I known how it would turn out. The main thing I am disappointed with is how the colors come together. They look good, but there is not a lot of contrast, except for the yellow. The yellow pops out too much, in my opinion. The binding didn't come out perfect, either. I used by 1/4 inch foot on the machine to sew it on and it resulted in a 1/4 inch seam. Not surprising....except that I'd used a binding strip that was wider than needed. The binding was uneven front to back.

I'm so picky.

I think Adia will like it.

Now, what to quilt for next year??? I have three ideas so far.

1. Dexter's quilt

   I would like to make a quilt for my nephew Dexter. He will be 6 next year, the same age as Adia is this year. I haven't settled on a pattern yet. I have in mind making a denim quilt. Everyone who has ever had one (that I know) has loved their denim quilt. It's a boy/guy thing.



2. Baby Quilt

   I have some friends that are trying to get pregnant. Assuming they succeed (I sure hope they do), I would like to present them with a quilt. It's such a nice and unique gift. And they're easy to finish, compared to a twin size quilt!



3. My Quilt

   I started a pattern this year for a quilt for our bed. It is a log cabin block set in the star configuration, with sashing between. I saw the pattern in an American Patchwork and Quilting magazine several years ago and saved the pattern. It takes 80 blocks to make the queen size. I have 20 so far. I'm making it in red white and blue. Those colors imply that it is patriotic, and to some extent it is. It's not corny though.

January and February is a time of productive sewing for me. I hope I will get a lot done!

Other projects

I have been reading a lot lately about couture sewing and I have some projects in mind to make some clothes for me. I hope I have time to work on those projects. My interests are diverse. First of all, I am interested in sewing knits. I purchased some soft cotton jersey when I went to NYC in September and I would like to play with that. I have 3 yards. I might be able to get a dress out of it. I have patterns for knit tops and some exercise wear.

A recent Threads magazine had instructions for building a pattern from a favorite pair of pants. I would like to try this. I am ridiculously picky when it comes to pants and how they fit. When I find a pair I like, I wear them to threads. I have two such pair right now. It would be fun to try to make a duplicate.

I also have a pattern for a new tote bag. I would like to make a new tote for my supplies for work. I found some cute "nursing" pattern fabric last year and I would love to use it for such a tote.

Finally, I want to make some more scrubs. I have some fabric, and I modified a pattern to fit me nicely. I like the outcome. I would love to try some embellishment techniques on scrub tops. I have in mind some "Navaho patchwork" on pockets.

I feel so free now that Adia's quilt is done!!! Creativity flies!

How and Why I Became a Nurse: Part 3

Paradigm Shift

I was tired of being jerked around. I was tired of working on software projects that ultimately got thrown away. I wasn't doing anything for anyone. I wasn't productive.

Finally it came to me. I needed to work for *me*. By this I mean, work at something that nurtured and nourished my soul. If I wanted validation from people I worked with or from the world at large, I wasn't going to get it. I needed a worthwhile job with intrinsic value.

But what should I do???

I tried software for a non-profit and the industry was not compatible with me. At 34-35, I didn't think I had the "chops" to compete in the global software market anymore. Specifically, if I was supposed to compete with 19 year old wunderkinds with no obligations and no life outside of work, who could stay up all night coding for their jollies, I was going to lose. I wanted a life. I didn't want to give that much of me to a job that I couldn't see as giving me back much. The kind of work I wanted to do in the software industry is just not valued by the industry - good, realistic project management or superior user interface design and implementation.

Heh. That reminds me. A friend of mine used to call software programming as mental masturbation.

Oooh, look how clever I am, that feels gooooooood.

Back to the subject. What should I do?

I went to a Christian counselor for job counseling. I had a vague feeling that I should do God's work. All the literature says to rely on God and trust. Give your life over to God. I prayed and prayed.

Eventually, through work with the counselor and through prayer, and after taking every career aptitude test I could find, I was guided towards nursing. I spoke with nurses about their jobs. I found a woman who was a nurse who was getting into software work, related to clinical trials. I also thought about the future - I am intrigued by the idea of missionary work. Nursing skills are a lot more useful in a developing country than software development!

Before I decided to go into nursing, I struggled with the idea of becoming a nurse. Nursing wasn't a job for the smart people, and it was a girl job. I had been raised that I was as smart as a boy and I had to prove it. I had been in a male dominated industry all my adult life. Much of my identity was tied up in proving how smart I was. Part of my insecurity was the fear that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Becoming a nurse would remove my professional identity as a software developer. Undeniably a profession that is assumed to be smart! I wasn't thrilled with the idea of being low-man on the totem pole again and not being an expert in my professional life.

I struggled for a long time. But the allure of a happy life and the erosion of my happiness in my current work made me come face my issues. I had been depressed before. If I stayed on the current path, I was going there again.

In Oprah magazine, I read an article about how when we are faced with a dilemma where there is no solution, we must shift the paradigm and transcend the problem. That is what I did. I decided to work for my own satisfaction, to work to embody my values and my faith, and to use my life for God's purpose.

Screw the worldly values.

I had one family member ask me was I was going to *do* after I got my nursing degree, like, get a masters, teach, do research. My reply was that I thought the world needed some really smart nurses.

My mom said that I'd have to empty bedpans. Yeah. So? We all poop.

I still get pangs of ambition - that desire to show how smart I am. I struggle to stay humble. I have, in fact, transcended to another plane of professional satisfaction. I am happy with my work and I have mostly shed my old identity.

Don't get me wrong! I'm still a mere human, and life is not perfect. But living a life consistent with your values is so much better.

How and Why I Became a Nurse: Part 2

Part 2: Transition

After I left Terrific Company, I started a new job with a non-profit that primarily did government research. Lots of social science research and they were looking to get into clinical trials work, primarily epidemiology. I had been involved with the business of clinical trials before (precisely, the software that did the analysis for clinical trials). I had a friend who had gone to this company and we'd been talking. I had other friends at the company, too. I thought it would be great. This company ("Research Company") had a mission that inspired me.

Too bad I can't remember it now. It had something to do about helping people and improving the human condition.

It was a disaster. Research Company had no work for me. When they did have a little bit of work, I was supposed to do a lot of it "on my own time" because that's one way they kept the cost of their contracts down. They tossed me new-grad level computer programming work, when I expected to do million-dollar project management. When they did give me a project to manage, they hated my realistic project plan. I was stressed out because I had no direction with intense pressure to bring in money for the company. I remember asking at one point, "Am I missing something? Am I supposed to be finding my own work within the company, and I don't know it?" My friends at the company were too busy with their jobs to mentor me or help me find my way.

One of my friends I had in the company was a man I knew from church. He was just a dude in nice suits to me, but he was actually a "C" level executive with the company. I had his ear. During the whole time, though, I think he was just trying to get me into the sack. He probably helped me get the job. I did realize at the time that he wanted to bed me; I planned to use that position for all it was worth. Without actually having sex...I was married and had no inclination to ruin my marriage for this Bozo.

I'm married to a really good guy.

Also in retrospect, during these months, I was very, very angry. Professionally, I felt so betrayed by Terrific Company and the software industry. I felt so powerful and clever and smart. It burned me up that no one could recognize what a great employee I was. Why didn't anyone want to keep me at this company? Why didn't I get attention and support??? I know I talked way too much and said way too many things to too many people that probably hurt my image and my career.

I had also grown accustomed to the "entrepreneurial" model for business - small, agile, energetic, fast. A government research company is the exact opposite of all of these qualities - despite the lip service they gave to these trendy ideas (in 2002).

I needed to be selfish for a while, and not ally myself with any company. I was not ready to commit again. I went solo. I left 7 months after starting and went into independent contracting. Guess who my first contract was with?

Yep. Terrific Company.

It was a totally different group (in fact, with people I knew back when I first started at Terrific Company 10 years earlier). It was a totally different area - document management. I contracted with them for about a 14 months. During this time, I did the work that eventually became my (our) patent.

Ironically, as a contractor I made more money than when I worked for Terrific Company, and I had my private office back.

Also during this time, the seeds of the nursing career were planted and began to grow.

Coming next: Part 3: Paradigm Shift

No Longer a Secret

I told my husband about my blog. I have wanted to for a while, but as soon as I did, I regretted it. I guess I really want an online diary where I can confess my deepest thoughts and my fleeting whims. I have made the blog private now.

I didn't mind the idea of strangers reading about me, but people I know? That would cause repercussions.

I don't have anyone I can talk frankly with! In the past it has been friends and boyfriends (at my peril), then therapists. I am wise enough now not to be so open with my friends and spouse. I don't have a therapist now.

The Internet has the answer to all of life's problems, right? It can solve mine, too.

I shall continue soon.

How and Why I became a Nurse: Part 1

Part 1: The Fall

When I was about 37, I began to feel like my career was not going anywhere. I was a software developer. I thought I was reasonably talented at it - there was never a problem I couldn't solve in code, one way or another. I especially enjoyed user interface design, software design, project management, and working with the clients/users directly. I have a bachelors and masters degree in computer science.

I'm smart. There I've said it.

What happened that soured me on the industry is this. I worked for a terrific software company. In the frenzy of the late 90s and early 00's, the division I worked for was spun off as a subsidiary owned by the original company. This was in 2000, and I was 34-35. We were given a week to decide if we wanted to go with the new company (and stay with our current work group and products), or we had that same week to find another job in the company. A week! What the hell?? Most of us went. Golly, this was exciting.

We were given seed money and we were kicked off the main company's campus. This is significant because the main campus has a load of perks - a gym, day-care, subsidized cafeterias, etc. Then, we sacrificed our Christmas bonuses to reinvest the money in the company. We gave up our lovely private offices with doors and windows, to have cubicles. We worked our asses off to get our first product ready. We did. On time, even. We had buyers in the pipeline. We kept expenses down, and our seed money lasted 50% longer than expected.

Then the owner of the original terrific software company (I"ll call it Terrific Company) decided we weren't making money. (Duh. We were a start-up.) So he decided he'd just cut us loose, and if we wanted we could re apply for our old jobs. There weren't as many old jobs available as there were people - funny coincidence, don't you think? There was also the opportunity to take a buy-out. This is what I did. Those of us with tenure at the company had a pretty sweet pay-out - if I remember correctly it was 2 weeks of pay for every year of service. For me, that was almost 4.5 months of salary. The end result was that several experienced workers left, and the new hires stayed. And those with families and health problems. See, the benefits at Terrific Company are unbelievably generous.

Notice I didn't say the good people stayed and the bad people left.

This sequence of events broke my heart. What it taught me was that as hard as I would work, I was at the whim of a company's management. And as much as I liked Terrific Company, it was run by a benevolent dictator (with dicey morals, by the way...I didn't like hearing about all his affairs with female employees. Sheesh.) Additionally, it didn't look like I'd ever be management. I had been on the management track in the subsidiary; in fact, I was a manager for a whole 3 months in the subsidiary. In the big company, I was to be a plain old software developer again.

In the chaos of trying to find a new place in Terrific Company, I contacted some people I knew in the usability group and asked if they would hire me. I loved doing that work, and I really believed in it. I negotiated. I bargained. But, they couldn't get a position for me. That was the end, and that's when I decided I was done with Terrific Company.

My buy out money financed my education in nursing. It took a while to get there, though. Watch for the next post.

A Post to Start December

Work

Holy crap. I placed several more IVs recently on Thursday, Friday and today. What is going on? Is it the end of days?

Oh, as if I would be so significant.

Actually, this morning, I had a small epiphany about how to visualize IVs. I think that maybe I wasn't advancing the needle enough and I'd tear up the side of the vein trying to thread the catheter. I am trying a subtle change in my technique with this in mind. I'd love to claim success based on this epiphany, but in today's case, I went for an antecubital vein. In most people it's a big honkin' vein, and usually an easy one to hit.

However I got it, I got it.

Church

Last night I went to an event at my church. I am not exceedingly involved in my church, and I usually just go to worship and participate in worship. I sing with the praise team - the group that leads the hymns during the contemporary service.

The event last night was even more unlikely for me to attend. It was a concert of children and youth performing the carols and Christmas music they have prepared. It consisted of choirs and handbell groups, primarily grouped by ages. Since I don't have a child and I'm not involved in youth or children's ministry, it is unusual that I would go. I went for two reasons. First, we had bid on some items at the youth fundraiser (a silent auction) and I thought we were going to get them. You had to be there to pick them up. Second, I thought the event was more of a choir and congregation singing event. Not just kids. I was apprehensive once I realized what it was. But I had to stay to pick up my auction item(s)!

A few thoughts on this.

Here in the midwest, it seems that everyone is musical. The choirs are packed, with girls *and* boys. And they actually can sing! The church has enough members with diversity in musical talents that we have an orchestra. People are interested in playing handbells. They think it's fun.

Maybe I've been a midwesterner all my life, unrealized. Not only does everyone do music, they let everyone do music. It isn't just the best of the best, and if you aren't the best, then there's nothing for you to do. I think that is unbelievably cool. Whenever I tell someone I play clarinet or sing, they usually respond that they play this or that instrument, or they sing in a choir, or they used to be in a band and they cut a few records "back in the day."

I previously lived in the southeast (North Carolina). There just weren't as many opportunities to play because music wasn't very cool, and it seems like all the gigs were the same clique of people. Like, there was one oboe player in the Raleigh Durham area and he got all the jobs. Prior to that I lived in Rochester, NY. Home of Eastman School of Music. I didn't have a prayer of playing or singing. Prior to that I lived in Northern NJ. The competition for opportunities to play was all the musicians in New York City.

Back to the story of church....

Overall I had a good time. The performances were better than I expected. I won some tasty sweet-salty snack mix at the silent auction (and paid too much for it, but hey, it supports the kids' mission trip). We got to see a side of the church we rarely ever see.

My husband actually came to this event with me. That's another remarkable thing. He doesn't like these kinds of things very much. He's a strong introvert and is uncomfortable in a crowd of people he doesn't know. He doesn't like musical performances like this - kids' music can be rather trite, you know. He was kind of negative about it. I don't think he regretted going, but I don't think he enjoyed it very much.

Quilting

I worked a lot on my quilt this weekend. Lousy weather on Saturday helped - I stayed in all day. I pretty much finished the quilt! YAY! The binding is sewn on but it needs to be tacked down. Tomorrow is Quilt Guild day. It is done enough to show at the meeting! I met my goal!