My husband and I don't always get along. He is a cut and dried introvert. I am somewhere in the middle between introvert and extrovert. I like to keep busy. He likes to be idle.
Mostly we deal with these differences alright. I keep busy, I join groups, I meet people, and I get involved (hence, my quilt guild, the church, the wind symphony). He rests up at home on his time off. He watches a lot of TV. He plays games on the computer.
Sometimes we run into conflicts, and today we had one. I decided I did not want to go to church today. It is never his decision whether we go to church or not. He goes most of the times I go. If I don't want to go, he doesn't go. Fine. That's just the way it is. So, I got busy around the house, cleaning up, and starting to work on my project to redecorate the basement. Mostly I worked on this alone. Occasionally I needed some help with a few things.
Apparently my redecorating and planning has upset him. He doesn't want anything to change downstairs. Piles of clutter is fine with him, as long as his speakers are aligned properly. He doesn't care if we still have boxes from when we moved in sitting around. It's important to keep those floppy disks, even if there isn't a floppy disk drive in the house. It's important to keep the boxes from software we don't use any more.
And then, what really gets me, is that he seems to want to have us sit around the house all day until he's ready to go out and do something. Then he's ready to go. Did he mention any plans to me earlier in the day? No. So, I'm in the middle of doing something else and I'm supposed to suddenly want to go out and do this or that.
He's annoyed when I don't want to drop what I'm doing. In fact, I think it devastates him. He takes the rejection as if I reject "who he is." Or something like that.
This is what happened today. I was working down the basement, and I came upstairs ready for a break and for lunch, and he says to me that he wants to see a movie. Fine. He did not tell me when, which movie or what. I am supposed to want to go. I declined the invitation; I had got in my mind all kinds of things to do around the house today, since I had no input from anyone else. He didn't tell me earlier this morning that he was thinking of going to the movies. He let me know 45 minutes before show time.
When I declined, I got the emotional cold shoulder, like I plan my day purposely to squash his plans. I keep busy just so he won't be able to do things. Well, he doesn't make plans or if he does, he doesn't tell me about them until the last minute. It seems like he expects me to laze around all day until he comes up with something to do. He may or may not come up with something to do. Who knows.
I think he might like me better when I am depressed. That's when I laze around.
Unfortunately, I don't like me when I'm depressed.
I worry about my marriage because I can tell my husband is thinking that if I reject his idea, I don't really "get" him, after all. I don't support him. I don't agree with what's important to him, so what's the point? If I want different things, then we aren't the same after all.
I think he thinks we should always be together in our free time and we should never fight. I think he thinks I should be able to intuit what he is feeling and thinking, if we were truly compatible and if I truly loved him. I think he thinks we should want the same things all the time, and want them deep down to our souls. It's not good enough to do something I may not like so much because I love him and want to make him happy. It has to be my heartfelt desire as well or else it's a lie.
I don't agree with this. I need my time away from him. I think having different goals is OK. Most of the time we're in agreement, anyway.
I worry about my marriage because maybe one day, he'll convince himself that the emotional torture I put him through is not worth the benefits of being married. His biggest fear with come true - that I'll say I don't really love him after all. And he'll leave.
My worries are mitigated in some ways because I don't think he will do it. I don't think he has the courage to make that decision on his own. I think sometimes he goads me to try to force me to make that decision for him - then he won't be the bad guy, wanting divorce. I will be the bad woman who never really loved him anyway. I think he'll try to make it bad enough for me that I'll leave as an act of self-preservation.
Sometimes if you look hard enough, you will find what you're looking for. Whether it is there or not.
Personally, I love the guy, and I think we're pretty compatible. We are not perfect together. I don't think any couple is, really. Most of the time I feel appreciated and valued. I try to do the same for him, but I admit, I'm not perfect. I build him up. I encourage him. We laugh together quite a bit.
Marriage is hard. It's a little easier after 10 years, but for me, the uncertainty doesn't go away.
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