Paradigm Shift
I was tired of being jerked around. I was tired of working on software projects that ultimately got thrown away. I wasn't doing anything for anyone. I wasn't productive.
Finally it came to me. I needed to work for *me*. By this I mean, work at something that nurtured and nourished my soul. If I wanted validation from people I worked with or from the world at large, I wasn't going to get it. I needed a worthwhile job with intrinsic value.
But what should I do???
I tried software for a non-profit and the industry was not compatible with me. At 34-35, I didn't think I had the "chops" to compete in the global software market anymore. Specifically, if I was supposed to compete with 19 year old wunderkinds with no obligations and no life outside of work, who could stay up all night coding for their jollies, I was going to lose. I wanted a life. I didn't want to give that much of me to a job that I couldn't see as giving me back much. The kind of work I wanted to do in the software industry is just not valued by the industry - good, realistic project management or superior user interface design and implementation.
Heh. That reminds me. A friend of mine used to call software programming as mental masturbation.
Oooh, look how clever I am, that feels gooooooood.
Back to the subject. What should I do?
I went to a Christian counselor for job counseling. I had a vague feeling that I should do God's work. All the literature says to rely on God and trust. Give your life over to God. I prayed and prayed.
Eventually, through work with the counselor and through prayer, and after taking every career aptitude test I could find, I was guided towards nursing. I spoke with nurses about their jobs. I found a woman who was a nurse who was getting into software work, related to clinical trials. I also thought about the future - I am intrigued by the idea of missionary work. Nursing skills are a lot more useful in a developing country than software development!
Before I decided to go into nursing, I struggled with the idea of becoming a nurse. Nursing wasn't a job for the smart people, and it was a girl job. I had been raised that I was as smart as a boy and I had to prove it. I had been in a male dominated industry all my adult life. Much of my identity was tied up in proving how smart I was. Part of my insecurity was the fear that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Becoming a nurse would remove my professional identity as a software developer. Undeniably a profession that is assumed to be smart! I wasn't thrilled with the idea of being low-man on the totem pole again and not being an expert in my professional life.
I struggled for a long time. But the allure of a happy life and the erosion of my happiness in my current work made me come face my issues. I had been depressed before. If I stayed on the current path, I was going there again.
In Oprah magazine, I read an article about how when we are faced with a dilemma where there is no solution, we must shift the paradigm and transcend the problem. That is what I did. I decided to work for my own satisfaction, to work to embody my values and my faith, and to use my life for God's purpose.
Screw the worldly values.
I had one family member ask me was I was going to *do* after I got my nursing degree, like, get a masters, teach, do research. My reply was that I thought the world needed some really smart nurses.
My mom said that I'd have to empty bedpans. Yeah. So? We all poop.
I still get pangs of ambition - that desire to show how smart I am. I struggle to stay humble. I have, in fact, transcended to another plane of professional satisfaction. I am happy with my work and I have mostly shed my old identity.
Don't get me wrong! I'm still a mere human, and life is not perfect. But living a life consistent with your values is so much better.
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