Some days it's easier than others. Today I'm having difficulty.
I think ever since I was an adolescent I had depression. To some degree I was taught to be depressed by the women in my family -it runs in the maternal side. That probably means I have a genetic disposition for depression as well.
Regardless of the "fault" (a bogus argument), I have it and I deal with depression almost all the time.
How Depression Feels to Me
Lately, my depression is a giant empty feeling, wondering "what's the point?" While I have searched for meaning in this world, I often feel like I am nothing. The world will function fine with or without me. Depression is loneliness. Depression is hopelessness.
None of these feelings are particularly logical; that characterizes depression, too. Depression makes me want to die.
I do think about suicide from time to time. Now, don't worry, I do not have a plan, and I won't do it (see below). But the reason it comes up is that sometimes I feel that if I have no point, no goal, no meaning in living here, now, in this place...why should I even bother? Why should I continue to use up resources? As you can see, I don't glorify killing myself - if I were to do it, I wouldn't do it so that I'd be "famous" or some other grandiose bullshit like that.
Feelings of doubt and feelings of regret feel like torture to me. Disappointing my expectations is exquisitely painful. These are the feelings that I want relief from. A recent example is how utterly despondent I feel when I fail at placing an IV over and over again.
History
I started addressing depression when I went to therapy in the early 1990s. I expected to be cured of depression and anxiety, but this is not the case. Instead I learned tools to deal with it, and I learned to forgive myself and my family for being as imperfect as we are. I also learned to take antidepressants.
How I resisted taking these pills!! I thought it would change "who I am." In American culture, protecting one's unique sense of self and identity is highly valued, regardless of whether that self is good, bad, or indifferent. The pain of depression and anxiety beat me down and I finally agreed. I took Prozac. I was better.
While on the antidepressant, I found I was "lighter." By this, I mean I was not burdened by the little everyday challenges we all encounter as much as I had been. I seemed to bounce back from setbacks more easily. My therapist characterized me as having "less of an edge." I was delighted to find that my appetite decreased. I lost some weight (sadly, it was only temporary). I did better in my job, and I did better with my interpersonal relationships.
In fact, while on Prozac, I found my current husband and succeeded in getting married. I even improved my relationships with my mother, father, and siblings.
Why would I ever stop? The paradox of psych medicine is if they are working, you don't think you need them. Additionally, I stopped doing therapy after a while when I felt I wasn't getting much out of it any more. Without a doctor, you can't get Prozac, legally, at least.
There's more history of my return to therapy but I don't want to talk about that right now.
Coping
I cope almost every day. Some of the things I do to deal with it are the following.
Religion helps me a lot. I believe in a merciful God who loves me. I believe in a God who has a purpose for my life and because I am God's beloved creation, I am deeply compelled to respect that purpose, and I need to fulfill it. Perhaps my purpose is humble. Perhaps my main purpose in living has already been fulfilled, and now I am here only for the grace of God. Therefore, if I am thinking of ending it all, I reason that at the very least, I can feed a hungry person, clean a room, give some change to charity, or pray for someone. Those purposes are highly valued in God's realm. I believe that if I ever need to leave the secular world and its screwed up values, there is a place for me among the humble, the lowly, God's beloved children. For this reason, I will not kill myself.
You can relax now. Please don't call the authorities.
Keeping busy also helps. I got this tip from a magazine many years ago, and apparently it's from Eastern philosophy. If I am depressed, do a project. Sometimes I cook something nice (especially bread - I find bread baking very therapeutic). I work on my sewing projects. Sometimes I clean. Sometimes I shop or browse at a special store I don't go to often, or someplace that takes a lot of time to shop at (like Big Lots, or Tuesday Morning, or even Old Pottery).
Exercise works as well. I find yoga very helpful - I can concentrate on form and balance without the pressure of being perfect. Aerobic exercise really helps, but I have trouble motivating myself to do it. I also like to walk the dogs.
Introspection and journaling, such as this very blog, helps. I find it soothing and calming to express myself...in fact I would argue that it's necessary for me!!! In the past, I have used therapists to fulfill this need. I am getting tired of therapy - I am finding it somewhat self-indulgent at this point in my life. Many therapists have told me about the value of journaling, and I have resisted it up until now. It seemed like so much work! I suppose it's time.
My latest therapist (during nursing school) suggested a brief journal, using a tiny memo book, with one page per day. Only write one page with your thoughts and feelings at the moment. This technique actually worked for me.
Getting "outside" of myself is another strategy. It's hard to focus on yourself when you're helping someone else. As an aside, this is another reason why I became a nurse. How curious! A career change to promote my own mental health!!
Little perks and indulgences provide a sense of being cared for. The types of things that work are manicures, buying fresh flowers, getting my hair done, a massage, bowling, doing a "paint your pot" ceramic project, going out to breakfast, or seeing a movie.
Finally, being involved in music again has helped immensely. Singing is very uplifting. Now that I'm playing clarinet again, I feel like I am a part of something special. As long as I keep humble and not fall into the trap of thinking I'm superior, then I enjoy the experience and the blessing of participation.
Wallowing
Sometimes I wallow in my depression. I do my best not to get stuck in it. Sometimes I wonder if there is spiritual gain or value in being depressed - perhaps it is unwise to try to squash them out all the time. Maybe there's a purpose of being in the depressed "place" for a while.
In some ways, depression is like a bad weather system. Sometimes you can continue to do your daily life despite the weather. Other times you change your plans a little because of the weather. Still other times, you hunker down and wait it out.
Depression actually motivates change for me. When I get depressed, I don't like the feeling, so I try to figure out what causes it and how I can change to avoid it. Sometimes I find an answer, sometimes I don't.
Conclusion
When I was younger, I didn't have the tools to deal with depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, no one taught me how to deal with it - I was "bad" if I felt this way, and I needed to deny it, ignore it, or just get over it. The result was not pretty. When I was younger I was bulimic and I episodes of manic depression. And at some points I was seriously suicidal.
Now that I am older, I don't have those extremes so much any more. Thank God for that!!! However, as I stated before, I deal with it almost every day of my life. I don't like it very much. This is the hand I have been dealt. There are plenty of fantastic things about me, too, and over time, I have come to accept the entire package.
No comments:
Post a Comment