This grieving is so strange. I am exhausted and I have little energy to blog. You'd think blogging just flows naturally as life goes on and you find things to write about.
But it doesn't.
Guilt, self criticism. I should blog more. I haven't written on rikrax, my project blog, in weeks. I have been sewing, but I can't get the energy to take a picture and post it. I guess it's the grieving, the depression, the lack of interest, the feeling of exhaustion at the end of the day.
And this morning, I completely forgot a rehearsal. I just didn't show up...they called and looked for me and I was fresh out of the shower not ready to drop everything and rush to join them. I just told them I wouldn't be there. It's terrible. I take my music very seriously and I don't just skip rehearsals. More guilt. I have let them down.
I'm trying to be patient with myself, though. They say you're supposed to be scattered and tired early on in mourning a big loss. "Early on," they say, is the first 3 months. It has been seven and a half weeks since Mom died, and to me, it feels like it's been a long time. I should be "back to normal," I think. But by the calendar, I'm barely half way in the first stage of the grief timeline.
It seems like I should be over it by now. Apparently I'm not.
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