A day of rest

I took Friday (yesterday) off on a whim. This grieving has been exhausting, even though I am not wailing, crying, or feeling frighteningly unstable. Really, I'm OK, but it is taking a bit more emotional energy to get through the day. That's why I wanted a day off.

It was nice. I went to a church-based rummage sale and serendipitously ran into an acquaintance there. It was a pleasant interaction...and I found some nifty little things at the rummage sale to take home. One of them was a book on terrariums - apparently terrariums are "in" again. The book was from 1973, but it still applies.  Anyway, since I drove all the way to the sale, I felt I ought to help the church out a bit and buy a few things.

Then I went shopping at the mall. I don't go to the mall very often and it was pleasant to go again. I was reminded how nice it is to have all the shops right in one place, and not to have to get in and out of a hot car in between.

Next, I picked up my serger from the Bernina shop.  I had purchased my Bernette 334DS at an estate sale, missing a few parts, and I wanted to have it serviced to make sure it is in proper working order. It's in good shape, and I got the parts I needed. Now all I need is to learn how to use it. Fortunately, they have a teacher!

Then I stopped by Target. I had been eyeing a small shelf unit for my sewing room which happened to be on sale this week. I picked up a number of other things we needed.

By the time dear husband came home from work, I had planned a good dinner. I had the time to make something good - I made some stuffed zucchini with fried couscous cakes (something like pancakes) on the side. The meal came out delicious.  Both recipes were from Martha Stewart's Everyday Food magazine. I recently got a free copy of that magazine, and I'm coming to like it.

In the evening, I worked on my hexagon quilt and one of Mom's cross stitch projects, while watching Burn Notice, one of my current favorite shows. I have a huge crush on Michael Westen, the main character. Sure, actor Jeffery Donovan is easy on the eyes, but really, it's Michael that I pine for. (Since he's fictional, this crush is safe.) This season he has slightly longer hair that looks just so sexy...oh my, he just makes my heart aflutter.

In all it was a nurturing day, just what I needed.

What is it like to grieve?

Grieving is a personal process. We all have our own paths through the darkness of grieving when we lose someone we love. I can only talk about my own process, which I will do here, a little. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but I do want to work through what I need to work through.

I do not feel like there was anything major unresolved between my mother and me. We had come to a comfortable place in the last 10 years or so, able to respect each others differences but still enjoy each other. There are some things I would have liked to ask her, but it's OK that I did not. Knowing the answer would not change who I am.

Still, there are many things that make me sad about her dying. In my naturally selfish way, they are mostly about me.

• I will miss the presents she gave me. It's not the presents themselves that I will miss, it's that she knew me well and thought about me and thought about things I would like. She was very personal in this way. It helped fulfill my need to be known.  My husband does not understand how much presents mean to me....again, not for the present itself, but for the intention and thought put into them. I try to do this for my friends and family. It takes effort...that's why I value it.
• I will miss hearing "Hi Laur!" on the answering machine. I spoke with her about every week. Mostly we talked about nothing in particular - what's going on in her life, my stories from work, the weather, cooking, crafting, gardening, blah blah blah. I don't have another friend I talk with on the phone regularly. Mostly I email, now.
• I will miss visiting her. I will miss how she would cook special things for us when we came to visit. She found vegetarian recipes to try that she saved for when we came.
• I will miss her letters and her packets of clipped coupons. She cut coupons from her newspaper inserts and mailed them to me. There was a time when those coupons really helped, but I haven't needed them for years. I told her she didn't need to cut them any more, but she kept on. It was another way she told me she cared, and I continued to accept that.
• I will miss buying things for her. She also loved to receive stuff. She kept a lot of stuff, but she also did know the value of being thought of. 
• I will miss being connected to the larger family. She was our kin-keeper. I will probably lose touch with everyone on her side of the family ...well, on second thought, maybe not. I have some kin-keeping tendencies. 

According to the books, I can expect about 2 more months of being in the throes of grief. I feel much more stable than the first two weeks. I guess the shock is worn off.

I don't know what is to come, what more I have to deal with.

Right now, I feel like the world is a much more lonely place for me.

Emerging from the pit

I'm posting from my parents home a few hours before I start my trip home. This was a difficult week - yeh, that's an understatement.

• Quick travel plans
• Putting together a memorial service and a reception
• Stress, inability to sleep
• Too hot, too cold in the hotel room
• No appetite
• Sorting through Mom's things
• Taking things to charities for donation
• Brother's birthday
• Bad summer storms
• Power outage
• Getting locked out of the house and how we resolved that (breaking a window, yay)
• Not being able to ship my stuff home
• Worry that my flight may get delayed or canceled
• Worry how the next few months will be

But...good things too. 

• Husband supporting me in amazing ways
• Pretty much all the relatives coming to the service.
• Making it through the service and my part of the service.
• Immediate family supporting each others' decisions.
• Support from my church

Yes, it could have been a lot worse. It could get a lot worse, still, but so far so good.

After cleaning out Mom's house, I have the urge to clean out my own house. All kinds of stuff is tucked away in boxes and drawers and closets, and it would be nice to be a little lighter. I don't know when I'll be ready to work on my quilting and crafting again.

Yet, the house is not done. Some of us need to come back and sort through the china cabinet, storage closets, and the attic. I don't know when I'll come back. I want to be home.