Irritation

I am trying very hard to "suck it up" and "take one for the team" at work, by keeping quiet. It's getting increasingly difficult.

While I don't complain much at work about my current three-in-a-row schedule (perhaps more accurately, I'm trying...) it's really wearing on me. I'm exhausted again today. I'm angry about it because I'm over tired, and I regret my comments at work because I can't keep my mouth shut. I *know* that I have the tendency to to do this when I'm over tired, which is *precisely* why I do not schedule to work 3 shifts in a row.

This month I had to be scheduled this way. And now, they are getting what they paid for. Bitchy me. And, I'm not the only bitchy nurse on the floor. We're all stressed out. Our boss is changing things and watching our process try to recover. It's tough. We weren't optimized before; now we're even less optimized.

When I'm in the role of charge nurse, I feel that I have a responsibility to voice the nurses concerns (filtered, of course) to the management. I feel that my job is to support the floor nurses as best I can, deflect the bullshit as much as possible and allow them to do the best caregiving they can. But, by voicing these concerns, I become undesirable.

I don't know what to say right now. I'm sitting at the computer, starting sentences that make no sense, and I delete them and start over. All I can say is that I am sad, angry, and frustrated. My unit doesn't feel like a very good fit for me any more. My new boss seems to be much more political than I was used to, and she seems to have less respect for floor nursing than my previous boss. She doesn't seem patient focused - she seems doctor focused and power focused. I don't like it. It's so important to me to be valued. I don't feel it right now.

And hell, I do an amazing job.

I wish I knew where I needed to go. The cath lab and EP labs are out because it's all the same manager.

I would rather not change institutions, though; I like this hospital. Yet, my gut feeling is that if I apply for another job within my hospital (which my boss will know), my future at my current unit will be over.

Time for some discernment. I mean, my work is supposed to be about joy. I must seek joy.

My first "Kon"

Yesterday, I went to my first anime conference, here in Kansas City - "Nakakon." As you might remember, my husband is a fan of anime and Japanese pop culture. He wanted to go, and he wanted me to go along with him.

I was exhausted from working 4 days in a row. But, I had slept in that morning and I had expressed interest in going, so I went.

It was strange, to say the very least. First we had to wait in a line for registration that took about 90 minutes. Then we went to shop in the vendor area after getting some lunch. We went to a talk on "Dollfie" collecting - those large beautiful Japanese dolls that my sister collects. We then attended a showing of an anime TV series called "Lucky Star." We watches some of the cosplay contest, then attended an anime themed improv comedy show.

Now it was about 7:00pm, it was snowing outside, and I was even more tired. We went home in the ice and snow.

I was rather weirded out by the whole event. I don't really like hanging out with adolescents all that much anymore. I found some camaraderie with the parents of the attendees, revealing my real age. There were a few older folks there, some dressed in their anime costumes, too. Yeh.

A telling detail about the event was how it categorized the attendees by age, plastered obviously on your registration badge. Sheesh. It's been a long time since I attended a function where attendee age was relevant. I was in the 21+ minority.

Sigh.

The Dollfie talk was just poorly done. The speaker was disorganized, nervous, and couldn't connect two sentences without telling one of her friends to "shut up," between her giggles. One of her friends did about half of the talking, anyway, and the friend was better. She spoke from her heart and conveyed her enthusiasm for the dolls. It was kind of fun to see the dolls, though. They are pretty.

"Lucky Star" had a plot as thin as tissue paper. Its saving grace was that it was funny. It was kind of like an animated version of "The View" with high school girls, talking a lot about nothing. I don't really like The View, either.

I was disappointed with the vendor selection. They sold T shirts, resin Japanese toys of the characters from the TV shows, manga and movies, DVDs, manga books, and all kinds of Japanese candy. There were a few nice things and dress-up accessories that kept my attention a little.

In the end, I was a trooper, and I held in there for the husband. I think he enjoyed it. Sometimes you just gotta do it, for them.

I was really glad I didn't run into anyone I knew! Husband did - some of the students in his Japanese language class. We also learned about how to attend Nakakon: one word - preregister.

Another thing I learned was the prevalence of the anime on adult themes - pornography, mostly. There's the Hentai that's more mainstream porn, and the yaoi, the boy-boy love porn. While such items and showings were carefully marked as 18+ appropriate only, the terminology was everywhere. Surely the little ones had to wonder what that was.

I knew this stuff existed and I've seen a little of it, but I had the impression that it was the minority. Nope, guess not.

I come away from this experience thinking that yes, in fact, I am a grown up.

Saturday

Today is Saturday. I'm quite tired today and I want to do a few things today, but finding the energy is tough. Maybe I should just accept my fatigue, take it easy today, and stop worrying.

Lately I have had some dreams about my former life in North Carolina. I miss it there and I wish I didn't have to leave five years ago. What dose this mean? My dreams have to do with going back and seeing how things continued marvelously without me. In the dream, we went to visit the subdivision and our old house. The current owner who, in the dream, was not the couple who bought the house from us, had made astounding upgrades to our house and raised its value by at least $100,000. It was impressive and beautiful.

I'm wondering what it means. When I woke up, I was sad about it. Sad that it wasn't mine anymore, and sad that it improved without me. Sad that I couldn't manage to do all of those improvements.

At the moment, I'm thinking it has to do with my job. I was very comfortable in my job until recently. We got a new manager, and she is changing things (oh, the horrors). It's really not that bad, but I do have some trouble with change when it first happens. I'm feeling like the new manager is moving in her posse and will soon be moving out those who aren't in her posse. I've tried a few times to get in the posse, and I think it's useless to try. I'm simply not in the popular crowd.

This is the same manager who chose not to interview me for the cath lab job last summer.

Perhaps I am making too much of this. Perhaps I need to focus on my purpose in being a bedside nurse again, and remember that I can only do small things with great love. Perhaps I should refocus on being a good soldier at work, and not strive to be a leader. Maybe I should focus my genius and entrepreneurial drive on my personal business, and let work be a way to serve God and the community, and of course, serve my financial needs. I still like my job a lot. It's more satisfying than my old job.

Yet once again, I find myself in a position where I want to be something and get frustrated that I am not elevated and supported. I see others get this kind of mentoring and support and they become managers and vice presidents, and such. Why not me?

I don't know.

Might as well concentrate on what I can control.

Incidentally, it's a cold, gray day here, and it's winter. This undoubtedly puts a bias on my attitude.

What is this teaching me?

Today's wisdom asserts that life is a series of lessons, and that events that occur in one's life in order to teach something.

So what is this teaching me? Here's what happened.

Yesterday was guild day, it was one of my favorite meetings of the year, in which we sew together for charity. It was also the last day of our round robin. Yesterday was supposed to be the "big reveal," in which the completed quilt tops were returned to the owner of the initial block.

I was first to reveal the top I just worked on. The owner of that top was supposed to go next, and the owner of the quilt she displayed would go next, and so forth. Hence my quilt was to be the last one, just by the luck of the draw. One by one the quilts were revealed: ooh, ahhh, murmurs the crowd.

Oh, look! Five of the six have been shown.

Wait. Why are they showing the opportunity quilt. Mine was supposed to be next! "Hey!" I shouted joyfully, "Where's mine?"

Silly girl, hadn't you heard? It was forgotten.

The person who worked on mine last forgot to bring it to the meeting.

Oh, palpable disappointment. I sort of felt like crying, but in the end I was just mad. I mean really. I participate in the guild activities, I'm a team player keeping up with all the assignments, and this is the thanks I get. I get to be an afterthought next month. Oh joy.

I suppose it's teaching me not to think I'm something, to appreciate when things go right better, and to lower my expectations. Nevertheless, it still hurt my feelings. I had a few choice words muttered under my breath, and I made a few whining complaints to my friends. I'll let it go later.