Every day

I have started this post a couple of times now. I feel like I have something to say, but I cannot get it to gel into a topic or a subject for this writing. Past experience has told me that sometimes if I just write, it will come out. It may not be optimal on the first go round; that's what editing is for.

My husband went to bed at about 8:30 tonight. He didn't say a word, he was just gone. I had been cleaning the house for the impending visit of my parents and sister and brother in law, and prior to that, I had been mowing the lawn. When I came inside, he was gone. At first I thought he'd gone to his video game room or the basement, so I took to my cleaning tasks....but then I looked around the house for him and found him in bed. "You went to bed?" I asked. Then, I asked him why he didn't tell me, and he mumbled something. I did not ask for clarification...the mumble was a signal that he did not wish to communicate.

He has a migraine I found out a few minutes later.

I feel like he should have told me. I feel like he's mad at me for being busy around the house. I feel like he's punishing me because I didn't plop on the couch and watch TV with him all evening.

He probably does have a migraine - the allergies have been bad this year. But he's so tired and sick all the time! Why? I don't know. He's not "really sick" like he wants to go to the doctor, just sick enough not to be able to do anything after work.

Usually I attribute his lethargy to his introverted personality. While he does just fine in social situations, they seem to drain him and cause stress. A day interacting with coworkers is enough to wipe him out for the evening. Sometimes this behavior frustrates me because he doesn't do anything around the house. A few minutes after I'd found him wrapped up in the covers, he shuffled downstairs slowly holding his head, looking all peeved. He let the dogs inside from the backyard - they had been out there barking. That's when I found out he had a migraine. I said I wasn't mad at him, I was just surprised.

That's not true. I am mad at him (although not that much). I wanted to be told. When I just disappear I get grief for not telling him what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. I feel disrespected for being kept uninformed. The reason I say I am "not all that much" mad is because this behavior is not unusual for him and there's no sense getting all worked up about it. It will pass.

Men have this odd way of expecting blind loyalty. I struggle with that. They don't need to explain themselves, you're supposed to trust them without question, even if their actions seem out of character or bizarre. It seems to be a litmus test of love. I see it on TV all the time...of course, TV is fiction, but it mimics reality enough.

Situations like this make me pensive - hence this need to write. I think about the nature of relationships, of marriage, of what we expect from one another. About how much disappointment we cause each other. Of the million little hurts we unwittingly bestow on each other. I don't know if it's easier for other people - I know there are other married couples who do much much worse than we do. I don't know if this is "normal." I do know it's not that bad, it's not abusive and the good times certainly outweigh this minor stress. While I would like an "ideal marriage" (whatever that is), am I foolish for thinking "ideal" is even possible for a marriage with me in it?