Eleanor Roosevelt called her episodes of depression "Griselda moods." I am experiencing one now, for the past week or so. It is rarely caused by one incident, usually a few downers happen at a time when I am vulnerable. Here I am...if my posts are somewhat melancholy for the next few weeks, this is why.
The following sequence of events caused my downturn. First, I learned that my friend who got me into the Summer Singers told me that she won't be able to sing this year after all. I don't know any one else in the group. Yeah, I know, I can meet people, and I probably will, yet I am disappointed. I skipped a rehearsal last week, and I gave myself some unnecessary guilt over that.
Then, the mediocre charge nurse performance. Then guilt about not getting my stuff done at work and going in on a Saturday. Only to be sent home early on Monday. I mean, really, people.
On Saturday night I went out for dinner with a women's group at my church. I keep hoping that group will be a community for me, but it keeps disappointing me. After a year, I am still the newbie, and the others all have a long history together. They talk about all the fun things they've done with their mutual friends. I do make an effort to change the topic of conversation to something I can participate in, but it doesn't succeed for long. And there's one woman who constantly expounds on how intelligent and insightful her little boy is. He just says and does the most *fascinating* things! Heh. I barely even know the 5 year old and I just don't find that kind of topic all that interesting. It makes me think there's a great disconnect between me and that group. Maybe I need a different group.
At work this week, I went in for my meeting (on my day off, might I add) and only two people showed up. I drove in on a day I didn't want to for the honor of being ignored. Great. At least I got paid.
And they wanted me to be charge nurse again this week, two days in a row. After my previous performance, I was hesitant and anxious about screwing up again. I did it anyway. I did OK - some mistakes, some successes (see my post from yesterday).
During the week, I got an email from an old friend from North Carolina, whom I haven't heard from since December 2007. The email was basically: Hi - how are you - I know I haven't written, but I've been so busy, it's just crazy - can't wait to hear from you again - more later...
I replied with a nice update on my life now. Realistically, I expect to hear from her again sometime about January 2009 after she receives her Christmas Card. Hrmph. At least I was pretty sure this is where his friendship was going to go when we moved.
The latest thing happened last night. We had poker at our house and it was poorly attended. We haven't had a group together in at least 6-8 weeks since the last time we hosted at our house, and we were getting concerned the group was falling apart. It looks like it is....the keystone guy who had kept it running got married last year and now there's a rugrat on the way. He has fallen off the face of the earth. We will probably never hear from him again.
I hate that. I mean, what the fuck? Why to people think they have to do that? They just turn their back on their friends when they become parents, give up their previous life and disappear forever?
But, I know, I know, this is the way life is. This is the way people are. He'll probably pop back into our lives 2 or 3 more times over the next 2 years, and then he'll be gone completely. When the second one is born. Then he'll have his midlife crisis because he whacked out his life and resents it. Then they'll divorce. All that bullshit.
It makes me angry and sad. I do not like to be rejected (who does?). I hear the message that despite earlier evidence to the contrary, I am not important. I also do not like my social calendar messed up - I mean, poker was something my husband and I did together, and I scheduled my calendar around it. I tried not to work on Fridays, specifically for poker. Now it looks like either we (or the one other die-hard) will have to take over the group. It is at high risk of failing.
Now, I feel lonely. Indeed I can (and do) seek others out. I keep busy. I do my strategies as I've described in a previous post. I think this mood is going to be one I will function through but have to wait out.
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