Getting Away

What is the purpose of a trip away?

I used this weekend's getaway to do something different and deal with different problems. Problems that are ultimately of little consequence: what time do we go to the park? What should we do today? When should we have lunch?

It gives the brain a rest not to worry about the everyday things and the work things.

We ate pretty good food out, we slept easily, we watched brainless TV (Diners Drive-Ins and Dives on the Food Network, and Pawn Stars on History Channel). What can I say - we dropped off paid TV about 2 years ago and now those shows are a treat.

We explored a part of Kansas I did not know much about: the flint hills and the tallgrass prairie. We hiked in the Konza Prairie Biological Station. The prairie was very beautiful. I wish we could have gone either early in the morning or at dusk to increase the chances of seeing more wildlife. We did not see many animals but we took in the vast landscape and got a sense what it was like to be a pioneer, trekking across this grassy prairie.

At the Konza Prairie, we saw:

• Giant Swallowtail butterflies
• A skink of some kind
• A Killdeer 
• Moths, fritillaries, and skippers
  (I didn't know there was a subgroup called a skipper)
• Jillions of grasshoppers, katydids, and pollinating bees and bugs

We'd missed the main spring bloom and we were too early for the late summer and fall bloom.

On Sunday, on the way home, we took the flint hills scenic byway south. While on the byway, we stopped at the Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve. It's a nice park that features the flint hills tallgrass prairie landscape and we had been there several years ago. But since then, they have improved the place significantly, including a new visitor center. It's even better than before. They have built a new visitor's center with a nice presentation area, a short film, and souvenirs. I highly recommend this park - not a lot of drama or excitement, but they do have miles of hiking trails, an old ranch house and barn, and an old schoolhouse all to explore. If you like natural settings, this is a really good one. 

I do feel refreshed. This USA has a lot of interesting places to explore. 

Brene Brown and Daring Greatly

Oh how I wish I would write here more often. 

I am reading about shame by Brene Brown. She's a researcher about vulnerability and shame. Well, I fall in that pit about every 6 weeks.

She writes that those who seem to negotiate life more successfully have deep down belief that they believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Those that struggle more have a basic belief that they are not worthy of love and belonging. 

I cannot decide which camp I fall into. The fact that I have depression and think of self-harm (which I still won't do, so don't worry....still no plan) leads me to think I fall on the not-worthy side.

The fact that I don't have children is other evidence - I never felt worthy (that is, qualified) to be a mother. Too risky. Too vulnerable. Safer not to even go there. 

Yet, logic says that I am as worthy as anyone else. The Christian religions teach that each one of us is a child of God, worthy of being saved by Jesus. My indignant self raises up and says "hey, I'm as good as the next guy."

Today, wrote an email that did not sound as I intended. It sounded like I'm a bitter spiteful bitch. One of the facts was not correct, but the main idea was.  Per Brene Brown, I am in the midst of a serious vulnerability hangover. I did apologize for what I wrote and I did attempt to correct my error, and own up to my mistake. But the fact remains. Those who want to think I am mean and bitchy are glad to have evidence and there is probably nothing I can say to change their minds. 

I sincerely fear I will be asked to leave my job, and this is not the first time. That's really OK, then, because this job is becoming more of a pain in my ass every day, with little satisfaction any more. This job makes me cry about once a week. Any job that makes me cry this regularly is not a good one. 

But I've done the "leave with no plan going forward" thing before. I survived and turned out better, but it's not my favorite thing to do. Would really rather not. 

I wish work didn't matter to me.

I wish Brene, or someone, or something, would guide me to the path to solidifying a core belief that I am worthy, as mentioned above. Her observations and research may be spot on, but how on earth do I cultivate change? 

This mental pain of shame is just agony.

Do you have any idea...

...how much life hurts me at times?

I know I am a beloved child of God, but sometimes I try so hard to fit into this world of people, and I am such a failure. I cannot do it. I don't understand it. I don't know why God would create someone like me to live with perpetual inner pain. It seem so damn cruel to make someone want and try to work within these rules, but I just can't understand them.

My counselor asked what it's like when I get here. I don't know what to say. 

I'm embarrassed.

I'm sad

I'm hopeless. 

I remember how broken I am. 

I recall all of my failures. 

They overwhelm me. 

I want a drink.

I can't think of much good that I do that is of any consequence.

- woo, I pay my taxes. I'm swell, huh?

Most times I can't cry about it although I know I want to. I can't draw up that lump in my throat. 

I'll get over it. 

I'll react like an idiot for a while. 

I'll forget about it after a while.

Then I'll do it again. 

And I'll remember that I did it again. 

Looking Ahead

As per my previous posts, I had resolved to get some help with the stress. I've seen the counselor 3 or 4 times now, and it's going fairly well. As always with therapy, I am being challenged a bit.

Caregiving is resolving alright. I have started taking better care of myself and I work on coming to grips with Dad's impending death and the quality of my care of him (enough? too much? not diligent enough?). I don't think Dad's going to die soon, but it is coming relatively soon.

I asked to talk about my job some. And, as good therapists do, my therapist has challenged me to think about my job. She pointed out that I am behaving as if this is the only job I could ever get and if I were to lose this job, I wouldn't be able to find another.

This is not true. I'm very employable.

I want to stay with my current employer until retirement, even though it is certainly not necessary. She challenges me to consider why I want to stay that long. That's about 20 more years.

I have a habit of staying on too long when it's time to go.

But I have a hard time recognizing when it's time to go. From a practical standpoint, any job can't be happy, fun, and personally fulfilling every single day. There are "down" times and there are times when things don't go your way. I have a hard time telling when it's a temporary down time and when a job can no longer fill my needs.

I value longevity and stick-to-it-iveness in a job and I had planned to stay with my employer to live up to those values. It was my way of thanking the healthcare industry for allowing me to join it so late in life. However (and I apologize for whining), I'm bored. And, this job is not giving me back the warm fuzzies that make a job fulfilling.

Right now, I don't have enough responsibility and leadership for this job to be interesting. The technical aspects of the job are no longer intriguing. I've basically mastered those. To get to the next level I would need training, and the company is not in a financial position to provide that training. Will it always be this way or do I just have to be patient? I find the politics in this organization a big downer - it seems unnecessary and an impedance to any type of progress. Even the politics are boring to me. Additionally, my recent history in this job is very similar to the frustrating situations that caused me to leave computer programming 10 years ago - I am the queen of the cancelled project.

Perhaps my perception is a bit off - surely everyone works on projects that get cancelled. Given my personal work history, I am unusually sensitive to it.

My therapist suggests that "I am not listening to all of the voices" that represent my values and needs for work. That's an interesting perspective. Now I need to figure out what these voices are, find out what they are telling me, and maybe then, form an action plan.

Pumpkin Cheesecake and Fear

For Thanksgiving, I made Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake.

Our newspaper, the Kansas City Star, had a Thanksgiving menu section last weekend and this recipe was included. It sounded like a nice alternative to pumpkin pie. An added bonus was that the recipe was from Lidia's Restaurant in Kansas City, from one of her pastry chefs.

It was good, rich variation on tradition. I'm not sure I'll make it again, though. Cheesecakes are rather labor-intensive and the recipes usually make a huge cake. I could eat cake at every meal, but that's probably not very healthy. I'm limiting it to one piece a day.

(As I reread the nutritional information, I'm glad I lightened it up by using neufchatel cheese for 2 of the 3 blocks of cream cheese. It probably helped lower the calories and fat, but not as much as I'd like to tell myself! I also used Redi-Wip instead of real whipped cream. Honestly, I just didn't feel like making real whipped cream.)

I made a side dish from the same menu section in the paper: Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Pickled Cranberries and Plum Vinaigrette. It sounded crazy enough to try and it was surprisingly tasty. I made one major change to the recipe. I didn't know what "plum sauce" was (in the vinaigrette) so I substituted red currant jelly. I had that left over from a sweet-sour (fake) meatball dish I had made. It worked out fine - I only needed about 1 tbsp - and it gave the dressing a fruity-tart flavor without overpowering it.

I do like brussels sprouts, and I doubt this recipe will convert anyone. Surprisingly, the pickled cranberries filled the role of "cranberry sauce" in our Thanksgiving menu. This recipe is a two-fer!


A month ago, I wrote about fear. It's still here, but I've taken several steps to improve things. First, I am seeing a counselor for a little while. Second, my first "homework" from this counseling is to get a massage. Sounds good to me. Third, I've contacted a housecleaning service and they start on Friday.

The counselor has recommended listening to several recorded books. I've started one by Pema Chodron, called the Pema Chodron Audio Collection. It contains three works: Pure Meditation, Good Medicine, and From Fear to Fearlessness. I'm about half way through the first one. Pema has a soothing voice and calming demeanor, and I like her slight New York/Long Island accent.

The second book is by Harriet Lerner called Fear and Other Uninvited Guests. I was eager to read this one on the Kindle, but I could only find it as an audiobook. Oh well, guess I'll get to it after I'm done with Chodron.

The counselor commented that I seem unhappy with my job. It surprised me to hear that from someone else. I suppose I am, although I wish I were not discontented at all. This is supposed to be the ideal job for me. I thought I was old enough to stay in one job for a long time and I don't really want to change. I have some ideas of why I'm not liking the job right now, but a single cause is not clear. More to come.

Fear

Something is going on in my brain. I'm afraid.

I am afraid of screwing up at work, mainly. I guess because I am screwing up at work in ways that, depending on how you feel about a person, could be trumped up.  If they want to get rid of me, they can fabricate more out of the molehills.

Do they want to get rid of me? I don't know, maybe. I don't have any direct evidence.

I am what I am. They've hired a bunch more people who are younger than me. They're cuter, and optimistic, and they're more social than I am. I feel old and fat and sad and serious.

Logic tells me this fear is irrational.

Here's my side of the story.

A nurse manager was asked by a physician for help with the EMR. She didn't know how to answer his question, so she called me on the phone, because she happens to know me and know I give thoughtful answers. She explained the problem and it was definitely not something I could help with. In fact, I didn't know what she was describing, that the physician was trying to do. I told her to contact the education person for physicians and if she wasn't the right person, she would know who to contact.  I couldn't tell from the information the manager gave me if the physician needed help with how the system works, or if he was really asking for something new.

The education person for physicians didn't know what the doctor was talking about either (she's fairly new). She reached out to the person on my team who deals with physician issues. In the chain of emails, the nurse manager said they reached out to our department, without naming me and that I had told her to ask the educator.

The person on my team who handles physician issues is apparently upset that I didn't involve her first. She let me know that all physician things should come to her and I shouldn't forget that. 

I think I made a reasonable judgment.  

Yet, if things were twisted, one could construe that I am not a team player.

So I'm afraid. I'm not as popular as the other person on my team. The cool kids in the hospital (i.e. the physicians) like this popular girl.

I fear getting dinged again. I don't like how that feels, especially when I am such a conscientious person and I try to do the right thing. We'll see if this comes up again.

What is up with this fear? Why am I obsessing?

Maybe it's time for therapy again. It has been about 8 years since I had a therapist, maybe it's time again.

Caregiving - Six weeks after becoming the Primary

Dad is here in town (at a long-term care facility a.k.a. nursing home) and I'm trying to find equilibrium in visiting him, spending time with my husband, and caring for myself. I'm making my best guess for how much "me" time I need, but really, it's ending up trial and error and trial again.

Caring for Dad is difficult. He doesn't or can't communicate. He seems content to be a lump. He enjoys visits and he seems to like the interaction when I'm there. On the good side, he doesn't impose any guilt on me for not visiting as expected. On the bad side, he does not seem to care whether I show up or not. He doesn't seem interested in anything.

I am feeling some guilt about not seeing him "enough." Truth be told, I see him plenty. My goal is 3 times a week and I try to spend about an hour or so each time. I bring something to do or work on while we're together. More interaction would probably be better for him. Yet, I can't do it all.

How am I to take care of myself so I have the energy to work my difficult job, get some exercise, eat well, get some sleep, keep up with friends, do something fun once in a while, and pursue my hobbies?

I have not figured it out yet.

As I feel my way through the unknown, I'm stress eating some. I've gained a couple of pounds, which isn't something to panic over, but it is something to keep aware of, before it becomes a habit.

I'm spending money on stuff. Stuff I don't really need, but stuff I just want. I bought myself a small refrigerator for the office. I bought more work clothes (one could argue I do need the clothes). I bought some earrings. I bought a ring (and I don't wear rings very often, except my wedding and engagement rings).

I'm drinking alcohol a bit more. Instead of only on the weekends, I'l have a glass of wine or two when I get home maybe 2 nights a week. Again, not panic-worthy, but something to observe.

I'm having stress dreams - dreams in which something bad happens to me or someone in the dream. In one, I had kidney disease. Given that I'm working with the hospital's solid organ transplant center right now, I know where my subconscious came up with that one!  Several dreams have been about me having a health problem.

It's hard. I knew it would be, and I'm not really complaining or feeling like a victim. It's hard and it is an adjustment.  I'm afraid something will have to go from my hobbies, and I'm thinking it will be the wind symphony. I really liked the group and playing music, but it's too much pressure. I don't want an activity that requires so much work, where I will possibly feel bad if I don't practice and learn my parts well.

At least I have about 2 months to figure it out.