On Depression

I struggle with depression every day of my life.

Some days it's easier than others. Today I'm having difficulty.

I think ever since I was an adolescent I had depression. To some degree I was taught to be depressed by the women in my family -it runs in the maternal side. That probably means I have a genetic disposition for depression as well.

Regardless of the "fault" (a bogus argument), I have it and I deal with depression almost all the time.

How Depression Feels to Me

Lately, my depression is a giant empty feeling, wondering "what's the point?" While I have searched for meaning in this world, I often feel like I am nothing. The world will function fine with or without me. Depression is loneliness. Depression is hopelessness.

None of these feelings are particularly logical; that characterizes depression, too. Depression makes me want to die.

I do think about suicide from time to time. Now, don't worry, I do not have a plan, and I won't do it (see below). But the reason it comes up is that sometimes I feel that if I have no point, no goal, no meaning in living here, now, in this place...why should I even bother? Why should I continue to use up resources? As you can see, I don't glorify killing myself - if I were to do it, I wouldn't do it so that I'd be "famous" or some other grandiose bullshit like that.

Feelings of doubt and feelings of regret feel like torture to me. Disappointing my expectations is exquisitely painful. These are the feelings that I want relief from. A recent example is how utterly despondent I feel when I fail at placing an IV over and over again.

History

I started addressing depression when I went to therapy in the early 1990s. I expected to be cured of depression and anxiety, but this is not the case. Instead I learned tools to deal with it, and I learned to forgive myself and my family for being as imperfect as we are. I also learned to take antidepressants.

How I resisted taking these pills!! I thought it would change "who I am." In American culture, protecting one's unique sense of self and identity is highly valued, regardless of whether that self is good, bad, or indifferent. The pain of depression and anxiety beat me down and I finally agreed. I took Prozac. I was better.

While on the antidepressant, I found I was "lighter." By this, I mean I was not burdened by the little everyday challenges we all encounter as much as I had been. I seemed to bounce back from setbacks more easily. My therapist characterized me as having "less of an edge." I was delighted to find that my appetite decreased. I lost some weight (sadly, it was only temporary). I did better in my job, and I did better with my interpersonal relationships.

In fact, while on Prozac, I found my current husband and succeeded in getting married. I even improved my relationships with my mother, father, and siblings.

Why would I ever stop? The paradox of psych medicine is if they are working, you don't think you need them. Additionally, I stopped doing therapy after a while when I felt I wasn't getting much out of it any more. Without a doctor, you can't get Prozac, legally, at least.

There's more history of my return to therapy but I don't want to talk about that right now.

Coping

I cope almost every day. Some of the things I do to deal with it are the following.

Religion helps me a lot. I believe in a merciful God who loves me. I believe in a God who has a purpose for my life and because I am God's beloved creation, I am deeply compelled to respect that purpose, and I need to fulfill it. Perhaps my purpose is humble. Perhaps my main purpose in living has already been fulfilled, and now I am here only for the grace of God. Therefore, if I am thinking of ending it all, I reason that at the very least, I can feed a hungry person, clean a room, give some change to charity, or pray for someone. Those purposes are highly valued in God's realm. I believe that if I ever need to leave the secular world and its screwed up values, there is a place for me among the humble, the lowly, God's beloved children. For this reason, I will not kill myself.

You can relax now. Please don't call the authorities.

Keeping busy also helps. I got this tip from a magazine many years ago, and apparently it's from Eastern philosophy. If I am depressed, do a project. Sometimes I cook something nice (especially bread - I find bread baking very therapeutic). I work on my sewing projects. Sometimes I clean. Sometimes I shop or browse at a special store I don't go to often, or someplace that takes a lot of time to shop at (like Big Lots, or Tuesday Morning, or even Old Pottery).

Exercise works as well. I find yoga very helpful - I can concentrate on form and balance without the pressure of being perfect. Aerobic exercise really helps, but I have trouble motivating myself to do it. I also like to walk the dogs.

Introspection and journaling, such as this very blog, helps. I find it soothing and calming to express myself...in fact I would argue that it's necessary for me!!! In the past, I have used therapists to fulfill this need. I am getting tired of therapy - I am finding it somewhat self-indulgent at this point in my life. Many therapists have told me about the value of journaling, and I have resisted it up until now. It seemed like so much work! I suppose it's time.

My latest therapist (during nursing school) suggested a brief journal, using a tiny memo book, with one page per day. Only write one page with your thoughts and feelings at the moment. This technique actually worked for me.

Getting "outside" of myself is another strategy. It's hard to focus on yourself when you're helping someone else. As an aside, this is another reason why I became a nurse. How curious! A career change to promote my own mental health!!

Little perks and indulgences provide a sense of being cared for. The types of things that work are manicures, buying fresh flowers, getting my hair done, a massage, bowling, doing a "paint your pot" ceramic project, going out to breakfast, or seeing a movie.

Finally, being involved in music again has helped immensely. Singing is very uplifting. Now that I'm playing clarinet again, I feel like I am a part of something special. As long as I keep humble and not fall into the trap of thinking I'm superior, then I enjoy the experience and the blessing of participation.

Wallowing

Sometimes I wallow in my depression. I do my best not to get stuck in it. Sometimes I wonder if there is spiritual gain or value in being depressed - perhaps it is unwise to try to squash them out all the time. Maybe there's a purpose of being in the depressed "place" for a while.

In some ways, depression is like a bad weather system. Sometimes you can continue to do your daily life despite the weather. Other times you change your plans a little because of the weather. Still other times, you hunker down and wait it out.

Depression actually motivates change for me. When I get depressed, I don't like the feeling, so I try to figure out what causes it and how I can change to avoid it. Sometimes I find an answer, sometimes I don't.

Conclusion

When I was younger, I didn't have the tools to deal with depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, no one taught me how to deal with it - I was "bad" if I felt this way, and I needed to deny it, ignore it, or just get over it. The result was not pretty. When I was younger I was bulimic and I episodes of manic depression. And at some points I was seriously suicidal.

Now that I am older, I don't have those extremes so much any more. Thank God for that!!! However, as I stated before, I deal with it almost every day of my life. I don't like it very much. This is the hand I have been dealt. There are plenty of fantastic things about me, too, and over time, I have come to accept the entire package.

Quilt plan for 2008

I completed Adia's quilt and mailed it this week for her Christmas gift. I am pleased with how it turned out. Of course there are things I would have changed had I known how it would turn out. The main thing I am disappointed with is how the colors come together. They look good, but there is not a lot of contrast, except for the yellow. The yellow pops out too much, in my opinion. The binding didn't come out perfect, either. I used by 1/4 inch foot on the machine to sew it on and it resulted in a 1/4 inch seam. Not surprising....except that I'd used a binding strip that was wider than needed. The binding was uneven front to back.

I'm so picky.

I think Adia will like it.

Now, what to quilt for next year??? I have three ideas so far.

1. Dexter's quilt

   I would like to make a quilt for my nephew Dexter. He will be 6 next year, the same age as Adia is this year. I haven't settled on a pattern yet. I have in mind making a denim quilt. Everyone who has ever had one (that I know) has loved their denim quilt. It's a boy/guy thing.



2. Baby Quilt

   I have some friends that are trying to get pregnant. Assuming they succeed (I sure hope they do), I would like to present them with a quilt. It's such a nice and unique gift. And they're easy to finish, compared to a twin size quilt!



3. My Quilt

   I started a pattern this year for a quilt for our bed. It is a log cabin block set in the star configuration, with sashing between. I saw the pattern in an American Patchwork and Quilting magazine several years ago and saved the pattern. It takes 80 blocks to make the queen size. I have 20 so far. I'm making it in red white and blue. Those colors imply that it is patriotic, and to some extent it is. It's not corny though.

January and February is a time of productive sewing for me. I hope I will get a lot done!

Other projects

I have been reading a lot lately about couture sewing and I have some projects in mind to make some clothes for me. I hope I have time to work on those projects. My interests are diverse. First of all, I am interested in sewing knits. I purchased some soft cotton jersey when I went to NYC in September and I would like to play with that. I have 3 yards. I might be able to get a dress out of it. I have patterns for knit tops and some exercise wear.

A recent Threads magazine had instructions for building a pattern from a favorite pair of pants. I would like to try this. I am ridiculously picky when it comes to pants and how they fit. When I find a pair I like, I wear them to threads. I have two such pair right now. It would be fun to try to make a duplicate.

I also have a pattern for a new tote bag. I would like to make a new tote for my supplies for work. I found some cute "nursing" pattern fabric last year and I would love to use it for such a tote.

Finally, I want to make some more scrubs. I have some fabric, and I modified a pattern to fit me nicely. I like the outcome. I would love to try some embellishment techniques on scrub tops. I have in mind some "Navaho patchwork" on pockets.

I feel so free now that Adia's quilt is done!!! Creativity flies!

How and Why I Became a Nurse: Part 3

Paradigm Shift

I was tired of being jerked around. I was tired of working on software projects that ultimately got thrown away. I wasn't doing anything for anyone. I wasn't productive.

Finally it came to me. I needed to work for *me*. By this I mean, work at something that nurtured and nourished my soul. If I wanted validation from people I worked with or from the world at large, I wasn't going to get it. I needed a worthwhile job with intrinsic value.

But what should I do???

I tried software for a non-profit and the industry was not compatible with me. At 34-35, I didn't think I had the "chops" to compete in the global software market anymore. Specifically, if I was supposed to compete with 19 year old wunderkinds with no obligations and no life outside of work, who could stay up all night coding for their jollies, I was going to lose. I wanted a life. I didn't want to give that much of me to a job that I couldn't see as giving me back much. The kind of work I wanted to do in the software industry is just not valued by the industry - good, realistic project management or superior user interface design and implementation.

Heh. That reminds me. A friend of mine used to call software programming as mental masturbation.

Oooh, look how clever I am, that feels gooooooood.

Back to the subject. What should I do?

I went to a Christian counselor for job counseling. I had a vague feeling that I should do God's work. All the literature says to rely on God and trust. Give your life over to God. I prayed and prayed.

Eventually, through work with the counselor and through prayer, and after taking every career aptitude test I could find, I was guided towards nursing. I spoke with nurses about their jobs. I found a woman who was a nurse who was getting into software work, related to clinical trials. I also thought about the future - I am intrigued by the idea of missionary work. Nursing skills are a lot more useful in a developing country than software development!

Before I decided to go into nursing, I struggled with the idea of becoming a nurse. Nursing wasn't a job for the smart people, and it was a girl job. I had been raised that I was as smart as a boy and I had to prove it. I had been in a male dominated industry all my adult life. Much of my identity was tied up in proving how smart I was. Part of my insecurity was the fear that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Becoming a nurse would remove my professional identity as a software developer. Undeniably a profession that is assumed to be smart! I wasn't thrilled with the idea of being low-man on the totem pole again and not being an expert in my professional life.

I struggled for a long time. But the allure of a happy life and the erosion of my happiness in my current work made me come face my issues. I had been depressed before. If I stayed on the current path, I was going there again.

In Oprah magazine, I read an article about how when we are faced with a dilemma where there is no solution, we must shift the paradigm and transcend the problem. That is what I did. I decided to work for my own satisfaction, to work to embody my values and my faith, and to use my life for God's purpose.

Screw the worldly values.

I had one family member ask me was I was going to *do* after I got my nursing degree, like, get a masters, teach, do research. My reply was that I thought the world needed some really smart nurses.

My mom said that I'd have to empty bedpans. Yeah. So? We all poop.

I still get pangs of ambition - that desire to show how smart I am. I struggle to stay humble. I have, in fact, transcended to another plane of professional satisfaction. I am happy with my work and I have mostly shed my old identity.

Don't get me wrong! I'm still a mere human, and life is not perfect. But living a life consistent with your values is so much better.

How and Why I Became a Nurse: Part 2

Part 2: Transition

After I left Terrific Company, I started a new job with a non-profit that primarily did government research. Lots of social science research and they were looking to get into clinical trials work, primarily epidemiology. I had been involved with the business of clinical trials before (precisely, the software that did the analysis for clinical trials). I had a friend who had gone to this company and we'd been talking. I had other friends at the company, too. I thought it would be great. This company ("Research Company") had a mission that inspired me.

Too bad I can't remember it now. It had something to do about helping people and improving the human condition.

It was a disaster. Research Company had no work for me. When they did have a little bit of work, I was supposed to do a lot of it "on my own time" because that's one way they kept the cost of their contracts down. They tossed me new-grad level computer programming work, when I expected to do million-dollar project management. When they did give me a project to manage, they hated my realistic project plan. I was stressed out because I had no direction with intense pressure to bring in money for the company. I remember asking at one point, "Am I missing something? Am I supposed to be finding my own work within the company, and I don't know it?" My friends at the company were too busy with their jobs to mentor me or help me find my way.

One of my friends I had in the company was a man I knew from church. He was just a dude in nice suits to me, but he was actually a "C" level executive with the company. I had his ear. During the whole time, though, I think he was just trying to get me into the sack. He probably helped me get the job. I did realize at the time that he wanted to bed me; I planned to use that position for all it was worth. Without actually having sex...I was married and had no inclination to ruin my marriage for this Bozo.

I'm married to a really good guy.

Also in retrospect, during these months, I was very, very angry. Professionally, I felt so betrayed by Terrific Company and the software industry. I felt so powerful and clever and smart. It burned me up that no one could recognize what a great employee I was. Why didn't anyone want to keep me at this company? Why didn't I get attention and support??? I know I talked way too much and said way too many things to too many people that probably hurt my image and my career.

I had also grown accustomed to the "entrepreneurial" model for business - small, agile, energetic, fast. A government research company is the exact opposite of all of these qualities - despite the lip service they gave to these trendy ideas (in 2002).

I needed to be selfish for a while, and not ally myself with any company. I was not ready to commit again. I went solo. I left 7 months after starting and went into independent contracting. Guess who my first contract was with?

Yep. Terrific Company.

It was a totally different group (in fact, with people I knew back when I first started at Terrific Company 10 years earlier). It was a totally different area - document management. I contracted with them for about a 14 months. During this time, I did the work that eventually became my (our) patent.

Ironically, as a contractor I made more money than when I worked for Terrific Company, and I had my private office back.

Also during this time, the seeds of the nursing career were planted and began to grow.

Coming next: Part 3: Paradigm Shift

No Longer a Secret

I told my husband about my blog. I have wanted to for a while, but as soon as I did, I regretted it. I guess I really want an online diary where I can confess my deepest thoughts and my fleeting whims. I have made the blog private now.

I didn't mind the idea of strangers reading about me, but people I know? That would cause repercussions.

I don't have anyone I can talk frankly with! In the past it has been friends and boyfriends (at my peril), then therapists. I am wise enough now not to be so open with my friends and spouse. I don't have a therapist now.

The Internet has the answer to all of life's problems, right? It can solve mine, too.

I shall continue soon.

How and Why I became a Nurse: Part 1

Part 1: The Fall

When I was about 37, I began to feel like my career was not going anywhere. I was a software developer. I thought I was reasonably talented at it - there was never a problem I couldn't solve in code, one way or another. I especially enjoyed user interface design, software design, project management, and working with the clients/users directly. I have a bachelors and masters degree in computer science.

I'm smart. There I've said it.

What happened that soured me on the industry is this. I worked for a terrific software company. In the frenzy of the late 90s and early 00's, the division I worked for was spun off as a subsidiary owned by the original company. This was in 2000, and I was 34-35. We were given a week to decide if we wanted to go with the new company (and stay with our current work group and products), or we had that same week to find another job in the company. A week! What the hell?? Most of us went. Golly, this was exciting.

We were given seed money and we were kicked off the main company's campus. This is significant because the main campus has a load of perks - a gym, day-care, subsidized cafeterias, etc. Then, we sacrificed our Christmas bonuses to reinvest the money in the company. We gave up our lovely private offices with doors and windows, to have cubicles. We worked our asses off to get our first product ready. We did. On time, even. We had buyers in the pipeline. We kept expenses down, and our seed money lasted 50% longer than expected.

Then the owner of the original terrific software company (I"ll call it Terrific Company) decided we weren't making money. (Duh. We were a start-up.) So he decided he'd just cut us loose, and if we wanted we could re apply for our old jobs. There weren't as many old jobs available as there were people - funny coincidence, don't you think? There was also the opportunity to take a buy-out. This is what I did. Those of us with tenure at the company had a pretty sweet pay-out - if I remember correctly it was 2 weeks of pay for every year of service. For me, that was almost 4.5 months of salary. The end result was that several experienced workers left, and the new hires stayed. And those with families and health problems. See, the benefits at Terrific Company are unbelievably generous.

Notice I didn't say the good people stayed and the bad people left.

This sequence of events broke my heart. What it taught me was that as hard as I would work, I was at the whim of a company's management. And as much as I liked Terrific Company, it was run by a benevolent dictator (with dicey morals, by the way...I didn't like hearing about all his affairs with female employees. Sheesh.) Additionally, it didn't look like I'd ever be management. I had been on the management track in the subsidiary; in fact, I was a manager for a whole 3 months in the subsidiary. In the big company, I was to be a plain old software developer again.

In the chaos of trying to find a new place in Terrific Company, I contacted some people I knew in the usability group and asked if they would hire me. I loved doing that work, and I really believed in it. I negotiated. I bargained. But, they couldn't get a position for me. That was the end, and that's when I decided I was done with Terrific Company.

My buy out money financed my education in nursing. It took a while to get there, though. Watch for the next post.

A Post to Start December

Work

Holy crap. I placed several more IVs recently on Thursday, Friday and today. What is going on? Is it the end of days?

Oh, as if I would be so significant.

Actually, this morning, I had a small epiphany about how to visualize IVs. I think that maybe I wasn't advancing the needle enough and I'd tear up the side of the vein trying to thread the catheter. I am trying a subtle change in my technique with this in mind. I'd love to claim success based on this epiphany, but in today's case, I went for an antecubital vein. In most people it's a big honkin' vein, and usually an easy one to hit.

However I got it, I got it.

Church

Last night I went to an event at my church. I am not exceedingly involved in my church, and I usually just go to worship and participate in worship. I sing with the praise team - the group that leads the hymns during the contemporary service.

The event last night was even more unlikely for me to attend. It was a concert of children and youth performing the carols and Christmas music they have prepared. It consisted of choirs and handbell groups, primarily grouped by ages. Since I don't have a child and I'm not involved in youth or children's ministry, it is unusual that I would go. I went for two reasons. First, we had bid on some items at the youth fundraiser (a silent auction) and I thought we were going to get them. You had to be there to pick them up. Second, I thought the event was more of a choir and congregation singing event. Not just kids. I was apprehensive once I realized what it was. But I had to stay to pick up my auction item(s)!

A few thoughts on this.

Here in the midwest, it seems that everyone is musical. The choirs are packed, with girls *and* boys. And they actually can sing! The church has enough members with diversity in musical talents that we have an orchestra. People are interested in playing handbells. They think it's fun.

Maybe I've been a midwesterner all my life, unrealized. Not only does everyone do music, they let everyone do music. It isn't just the best of the best, and if you aren't the best, then there's nothing for you to do. I think that is unbelievably cool. Whenever I tell someone I play clarinet or sing, they usually respond that they play this or that instrument, or they sing in a choir, or they used to be in a band and they cut a few records "back in the day."

I previously lived in the southeast (North Carolina). There just weren't as many opportunities to play because music wasn't very cool, and it seems like all the gigs were the same clique of people. Like, there was one oboe player in the Raleigh Durham area and he got all the jobs. Prior to that I lived in Rochester, NY. Home of Eastman School of Music. I didn't have a prayer of playing or singing. Prior to that I lived in Northern NJ. The competition for opportunities to play was all the musicians in New York City.

Back to the story of church....

Overall I had a good time. The performances were better than I expected. I won some tasty sweet-salty snack mix at the silent auction (and paid too much for it, but hey, it supports the kids' mission trip). We got to see a side of the church we rarely ever see.

My husband actually came to this event with me. That's another remarkable thing. He doesn't like these kinds of things very much. He's a strong introvert and is uncomfortable in a crowd of people he doesn't know. He doesn't like musical performances like this - kids' music can be rather trite, you know. He was kind of negative about it. I don't think he regretted going, but I don't think he enjoyed it very much.

Quilting

I worked a lot on my quilt this weekend. Lousy weather on Saturday helped - I stayed in all day. I pretty much finished the quilt! YAY! The binding is sewn on but it needs to be tacked down. Tomorrow is Quilt Guild day. It is done enough to show at the meeting! I met my goal!