I got away, and I'm back to a mess...

I went to a conference for 4 days last week. It was wonderful - I was away from the normal stresses of life and I could forget about all of it for a while.  I really did! I was not so sad, I ate well, I didn't feel like I wasn't doing enough, I didn't have to go to rehearsals, I didn't have to exercise.  I visited with an old friend who lives near the city where the conference was held.  I had wine. I could think about things on my job freely and creatively. I could read my O Magazine and dream.

I come home and all the stresses are here waiting for me.

Sometimes I hate fall. It's a lovely time of year but everything is crammed into fall. My next post will probably be at Christmas, just because this time of year flies by too fast.

My house is cluttered, the native stone I purchased to do some landscaping with sits in a pile, my mother's memorial service is coming up and my brother and father can't make a decision on their own. There are a dozen cool things to be involved in for my church, my community, and both of my quilt guilds. I think up some awesome ideas to build something of consequence, like a clarinet choir, a professional organization for nurse informaticists, a local user group conference for Epic software.  I'm pressured to join a bell choir. I'm pressured to lose weight. I'm pressured to stay home and watch TV with my husband to maintain my marriage.

I have no doubt I could do any of that stuff.  I am merely overwhelmed with what to do. Jeez, and I don't even have kids to add to the mix.

Be calm.  Breathe. It is not the end of the world if I don't do any of it.

Where I am now...

I am still here and I'm working through the cloud of sadness. This makes it sound like I'm walking around with a grim expression on my face, on the verge of tears all the time. I'm not...in fact I laugh, and I socialize, and I create, and I cook, and all those normal things. It just takes a bit more energy to do every little thing, and that wears me out by the end of the day.

I had made a resolution to start going back to the gym in September. It has been so dreadfully hot here and I was exhausted, and there was yard work. I found a lot of comfort sitting stupid in front of the TV. Having new episodes of Burn Notice and Project Runway available made it that much more comfortable.

I started following The Free Motion Quilting Project blog by Leah Day and I read her series of posts on her sinkhole quilt. I am not alone in depression and a difficult childhood. This I know already...but I found it inspirational and courageous. I appreciated that she shared her issues with the world. Made me want to write a bit today.

Music. It seems odd to me that music would, given my upbringing because I was not raised by musicians. I was not taught to view life through music. Somehow it grew in me. Becoming a singer probably accelerated the process - the clarinet speaks for me in one way, but it's so personal to me when I use the physical instrument.

This past week I purchased The List, a collection of classic heritage music by Rosanne Cash. When she was 18, her father, Johnny Cash, gave her a list of 100 songs that he considered to be essential literature for any American songwriter or musician. It is a collection of country, rhythm and blues, Appalachian, folk, gospel and Southern Blues. She chose 12 songs from this list for the album. She interpreted them anew.

Right now, I am taken by the second track, "Motherless Children." Sure, the connection is obvious. The phrasing is simple, but the words are profound in their simplicity and they resonate with me.

I keep thinking I should write a resource list for the grieving with all I'm learning.