April 30

I can't believe it has been 17 days since I last posted. A number of things have happened I would like to talk about two of them. An unexpected day off from work frees me to write.

Scrub Caps

I am *still* sewing scrub caps. It is incredible how well they have sold; we have learned that they sold much better as direct orders achieved through personal interaction than in an open sale. Hopefully this is my last batch of five to sew. I am finally getting tired of making them. I still enjoy seeing people wearing my caps, though!

We had two dates where we had a table outside the cafeteria at work to sell the caps. L, another nurse, wanted to have a bake sale in addition to the cap sale. It was less-well-organized than my cap sales, but it did well. People always want to pick up a goodie after grabbing their lunches.  From bake sale items we made about $450 over the 2 days.  I can't believe that.

The caps were poorly displayed at the sale- just in a pile and no one was wearing them. No wonder they didn't sell very well.

I was a bit disappointed with the amateur appearance of the table and the display of our items. I had delegated that task, so I'm not going to criticize. I think if we had a nicer display we could have sold much more hats. I am also concerned about the image of our unit. The table did not look polished and professional.

Visiting the parents

I took a few days off last week and went to Virginia to visit my parents. I took the opportunity to visit with a good friend who lives near my parents. Seeing G was fun. Visiting the parents....not so much. My aunt and uncle live in the area, to, and I got to see them for lunch one day. Nice, because I hadn't seen them in a few years.

My current impression on the aging process is that it happens to everyone else, but not you. By this, I mean that you, yourself, do not think of yourself as old, despite all the evidence to the contrary. For example, my 73 year old aunt commented on how aggressive some of the "old people" are in the grocery store on senior citizen day. Ironically, I remember her laughing at my grandmother for not wanting to associate with the "old people" at her retirement home.

You may shoot me when I am over 65 and say such a thing.

At this visit, I saw decline. Mom has not changed a whole lot, but her immobility is not improving. She can hardly lift her leg into the car. Dad has declined: he walks with a shuffle now. His short term memory is getting worse. His balance is not so good. His driving is getting even scarier. He is getting angry about it, too....he wasn't mean to me, but my mother had intimated that he yells at times.

They have done one thing right. They have planned there estate and they have done it well. Thank God.

Which makes me want to write my feelings on their planned estate. It is all very logical how they have set up things. My older sister is the primary executor. Then me, then my brother. My brother and his wife have been getting extra money from my parents to assist with the raising of their child. This is the only grandchild, so it make sense. And it is their money, they can do what they wish with it.

I am the afterthought. I'm the backup plan. I'm the also-ran.

It has been this way all my life. Despite the fact that I cultivate a relationship with them, maintain it, and actively pursue it, I still feel like I'm the extra one. I'm not the smartest, or the richest, or the most desired, or the one with the most education, or the one who reproduced. I'm the nice-to-have.

This feeling pains me greatly. I struggle with it partially because my parents are both second children themselves - especially my mother complains along similar lines in how she was treated in her family. Yet, they did it themselves.

Yet, here I am, 43 years old - shouldn't I be "over" this already???? I am not, and I doubt I ever will be. I have learned to live with it, and so I will continue. My life is mine, not theirs.

I just wish they wouldn't bring it up. Going over the estate plans and documents thrust the situation in my face. No, I did not like being reminded just where it is I fit in this family. On paper. Formally. Notarized. Oh, for God's sake, stop already.

Oh well, enough complaining. I have more to write, but I'm getting tired of writing for now.

Hats, hats, hats

Me and my bright ideas....

I am working on a fund raiser that I organized to make scrub caps for OR personnel at the hospital. It's our unit's fund raiser for the 2009 Heart Walk on May 30.

I thought it would be nice to make about 50 caps, sell a few to our colleagues in the cath lab and EP lab, have a sales table by the cafeteria to sell the rest.

These crazy things are flying out as fast as I can make them!  

There are only 2 sewers: myself and another nurse. The caps come in 2 styles: skull cap and bouffant type. The girls tend to like the bouffants; the boys like the skull caps. 

We make them in fabric for the University we are affiliated with, fun prints, a few solid colors, and a few special orders (e.g. the LA Lakers - and we're in the midwest!).

We've sold 49 so far. Now we're trying to build some inventory for the sale. I must have made a good 30 caps by now. Guess what I'm doing on my day off tomorrow?

Really, though, it's terrific. We ought to make upwards of $700 for the American Heart Association.  It has been a great idea!

What the project truly needed, however, was a committed, organized leader. I am that person, not just half of the production committee. I am getting some personal satisfaction from seeing my handiwork worn in the labs. Way cool.

Holy Week

Holy week starts tomorrow.  This is the week of Christ's crucifixion, death, burial and resurrection. Now, I am not a Bible scholar, but as is my tradition as a Presbyterian, I will think and analyze this story.

This story is sad. It shows how, though a number of circumstances, an otherwise innocent guy was killed by his own society. The "stupid" part of the story is how many opportunities there were for the situation to end differently. 

Judas didn't have to betray him....and the Bible doesn't really clarify why Judas was motivated to do it.  Over the centuries, it has been interpreted as Judas being evil, the embodiment of the devil. I'm not so sure...

Jesus could have said something that makes Pilate release him. Pilate didn't seem to want to convict him, really. When you read the scripture, it sounds like Pilate kept looking for an excuse to set him free. He even asked the people what they wanted him to do and they made the decision. Since when are crowd decisions good ones?  Weren't these the same people who cheered his arrival to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday?

Someone could have taken him down from the cross. Not like they had impermeable security systems at that time...

Anyway, the story ends as we (Christians) have been taught - Jesus gets convicted, he is put to death, then he is resurrected to the spiritual realm.  

Here is the puzzlement: it doesn't seem like we got enough of Christ's teachings, so why would he go away after such a short ministry? Secondly, if our God is a God of love and forgiveness, why is He still requiring a blood sacrifice? Did this course of action change God, such that we can be reconciled to Him? How can THAT be, if God is eternal, omnipotent, and transcendent of time?

The Presbyterian tradition (and perhaps many reform traditions?) "explains" the course of this story as it being God's will, and that it was somehow necessary for the reconciliation between God and human. OK, I kind-of understand that.  If this sequence of actions all have a spiritual purpose, then the betrayal of Jesus by Judas was the action of the betrayer role. Under this assumption, Judas sacrificed himself to history, to be named the reviled one by the generations. Imagine that.

The concept of blood sacrifice, though, bothers me. We don't really do that any more to appease our "gods."  Seems like sacrifice is a human concept that we have progressed beyond.

...or have we? Instead of sacrificing animals any more, we sacrifice ourselves when we are troubled, like anorexia, bulimia, cutting, gang violence, domestic violence etc. It seems to be a flaw in our human natures that sacrifice resolves some conflict. I don't know why that is, but it just is. 

But I digress. 

Sometimes, I don't know why I follow a faith and believe all of this stuff. It does not make sense logically. Yet, I have faith and I seek peace with the dichotomy between faith and logic. Belief in God gives me a better life. Living for God gives me purpose. Knowing that I am reconciled to God gives me comfort and empowers me, even if I don't understand all of it. I am comfortable with the argument that my brain is too limited and small to understand why these things are necessary and important. I am not so arrogant to think that my single, puny human consciousness is powerful enough to comprehend the mysteries of the universe. 

Hallelujah anyway. He is risen indeed.

Happy Thoughts

Here is a little self-important post.  Designed to make me think of things I like.

Some things I like that are not my major passions:

• Twizzler's candy
• Diet Coke
• Rich colors
• Tulips, Lilacs, Snow drops, Peonies
• Reading the newspaper in the morning, particularly the Sunday paper 
• Asparagus
• Massages
• Pedicures
• Shopping in second hand stores
• Learning new things
• Bowling
• Planting a vegetable garden
• Neat and organized (you'd never know this looking at my house)
• Napping
• New York City
• Jigsaw puzzles
• Beautiful potted plants and hanging baskets of flowers

I am having trouble coming up with things to write about, so I tried this list. I think it is good discipline to write even though I don't have a passionate subject. This exercise got my mind in motion.  Here are some potential topics...I hope I remember to look back here:

• My thoughts on Christ's passion and crucifixion
• What I think my role in this world may really be
• Music lessons
• What I worry about

Certainly there's more....but dinner is done baking, I must get on to practical things.