The Pursuit of Happyness

I noticed that I write more when I'm unhappy or stressed. This is not new - indeed, it tends to give a skewed impression of my life. I am happy or inclined to be happy most of the time. Here are my recent thoughts on happiness.

How are you?

My reply is "excellent" or "great" or something overwhelmingly positive.

When I was younger, I used to get angry at people asking "how are you?" Oh puh-leez. Nobody wants to know how you really are!! Nobody cares about the truth about how you feel! Why even ask, if you are forcing me to lie? Hrmph.

While I think this is still technically correct, I have a different perspective. "How are you" is a social nicety and a polite, simple, effortless way to interact. For me, personally, I try to see it as an invitation to create my own reality. If I say I am great, then I am great! If I say I am miserable, then my life starts to trend towards the miserable.

A word doesn't change that much, but it doesn't hurt anything to try. Another benefit is that the attitude may be contagious - if I am terrific, then maybe you are too!!

I read about this technique in one of those self-help books popular in the 1990s - like "Everything I needed know know I learned in Kindergarten" or "Life's little instruction book." It sank in when one of the transporters at the hospital was always doing this. "Super Steven" is his name - and he's always "fan-tastic"! When I'd interact with him, it would brighten my day maybe just for a moment. He has spread his light.

The Secret

One of the latest popular books is called "The Secret." It's in the genre of "The Power of Positive Thinking" - that is, your thoughts and intentions create reality. This book takes it a step further and suggests that there is a mystical power in your thoughts that connect to and manipulate the power of the universe. The universe supplies that which you think about, simply by thinking about it and aligning your thoughts with the creative power of the universe. It doesn't take effort, it just happens. The only effort is to focus your thoughts properly. Imagine that!

I think about this concept. I have done a lot of reading on living a good life, self-empowerment, self improvement, self-awareness and understanding. I have an interest in the mystical. I ponder the nature of God, of the angels, of Jesus Christ.

I am also an integrator. I have a natural talent for seeing the big picture and for integrating lots of little facts into a whole.

My current pondering is that there is some kind of universal truth out there. Something mystical that we do not understand. I am not even sure we can understand it, stuck in our mortal bodies with our limited brain capacity. It's bigger and vaster than us. All of these empowerment and spiritual ideals are ways we interpret the mystical truth.

Some people understand it as God and Jesus. Some understand it as Allah and Muhammad, others get in touch with it through meditation, and the Buddha. Aligning ones thoughts with it is another way. I do not know if the universal truth has a consciousness - the God interpretation takes this position, that there is a benevolent spiritual being that is like us. "The Secret" suggests that it is some kind of powerful force we can influence through thoughts.

I read a little about Edgar Cayce several years ago. He was an American mystic who would go into a trance and use the trance to know so many things that he would otherwise not be able to know. I wonder if he had a way of tapping into this universal truth and manipulating it to get at the knowledge he sought. you might also say he talked to Angels.

This theme comes up so often in the human experience that I have got to believe there's some kind of veracity to it. I am comfortable not knowing, yet it still intrigues me. I want to use it for good. I want to use it to have a remarkable life.

I am tired of writing for now, but I have some ideas I'd like to expand upon in the future about this subject.

Have a terrific day!!

Living free from Glasses

I am several days after the surgery. My vision has gotten better and better, although it's still not quite all there. There's a slight haze around when there are bright lights. I drove at night for the first time this morning going to work and it appeared to me like there was a thin fog. There wasn't of course, it's my vision.

I hope this gets better, but even if it doesn't I'm better off than with glasses.

I had the first unsettling feeling about my identity. I have always been the nerdy girl with the glasses. It made me look smart, so I thought, and I had to prove how smart I am, so I thought. Now I don't have those props. I feel weird. I don't know who I am as an adult without glasses.

It's going to be a challenge.

Post Op

I went through with it! I had LASIK surgery this morning and now I am writing my blog without glasses on. After about 30 years I am free from glasses.

Hooray for me! I found the courage and I did it!

The procedure itself was very short. It was uncomfortable but not painful, thanks to numbing drops in the eye. They make a flap in the corneal tissue, lift it up, zap a bit of the cornea, and smooth the flap back down. Then you recover. I was back home by 9:00 am (I was scheduled for 7:30 am).

The first several hours after the procedure, my eyes were sore and sensitive to light. My vision was not clear, but I could tell it as improved. Now, about 10 hours later, it is even better. I am less sore. My vision is somewhat similar to cloudy contacts - it is like I'm looking through a slight fog. My near vision is pretty good, and by distance vision is getting better. My eyes are still bloodshot and I think I had a little bleeding on my left eye. It's not much - very visible against the white sclera, though.

We'll see how it is tomorrow. I have been diligently putting drops in my eyes as instructed and I have taken it easy today.

I also start my study medication today - when I first got evaluated, I mentioned that I would be interested in participating in a study if there was one I qualified for. Lucky for me, there was! This doctor performs research for pharmaceutical companies (and probably other organizations, like device manufacturers). This study involves testing a new indication of a prescription eye drop for post-LASIK patients. The benefit for me is that it nearly cut my expenses in half.

A whole new world. I don't even know what it's like to be me without glasses. Today, I start to learn.

Following up the Challenging Week

This week was remarkable. In a difficult way.

My previous post talked about my challenge in precepting the experienced nurse. It got ugly for me briefly, then resolved. What happened was this, which I found out in a back-handed way. She had decided that she didn't need to be precepted any more, she'd figure it out as needed. She went to the boss and informed her of this and said she would be just fine on her own. So she was the next day.

I wasn't informed, directly. I found that insulting. I felt slighted, professionally. I had gone out on a limb to do something I did not want to do for the good of the organization, and I got an indirect "thanks, but no thanks."

I was very angry when I got home. I knew it was going to be an awkward day the next day. I was tempted to call in sick, yet I am a professional. I don't do that.

I went to work with the full intention of ignoring the situation, being a "good soldier" and a "team player." The evening before, I had asked my husband how a man would handle this situation, and he said that a man would suck it up. I tried. I couldn't quite do it. So, I called the unit educator to comment on the situation. Basically, I was hoping I'd get a "thank you, anyway, sorry it didn't work out." I also wanted to say "I told you so" in a way...

The unit educator did not know that the new person was on her own! I was astounded! I thought I was the only one out of the loop. I explained to the educator how the events unfolded from my perspective, and then I said that I was done. I have no more to say on the situation. And that was the end (for me).

Now I'm back to the detente situation that worked for over a year previously. I can work with that!!

Other events

I had my pre-op study evaluation appointment on Tuesday. It went well. I am slated for LASIK surgery on Tuesday morning. I have the rest of the week off...I'm glad for that, too.

I never made it to the funeral service. It was the same day as the pre-op appointment and my eyes were all messed up at the end of that appointment. Dilated and sore. Plus the weather was coming in - snow, ice.

My furniture came in. So now I have 3 of the 5 pieces we ordered last week. I have to build the two that just came in. So excited! New stuff!

I made it to quilt guild on Tuesday, as well. It was fun! I am inspired again and I hope I get some quilting work in today. This meeting was our charity quilt sew-in - while I couldn't stay (due to the pre-op appointment), I did pick up a quilt top to finish at home.

Inspiration

I recorded an Oprah TV show this week on applying "The Secret" themes to your life. I was also inspired. They suggested making a vision board to help clarify and focus your goals. I think I will.

Second Post: A Personal Challenge

One of the nurses I used to work with came back to our unit. Last fall, she had left for a doctor's group in another part of town, and I guess she realized what a great place to work our unit is, and she decided to come back.

This particular nurse is not my best friend. We have very different styles of working and interacting, and we clash. She has had a tough life, I have had a charmed life (sort of). One time, before she'd moved on, she said something to me that cut me to the bone. Something (that wasn't technically my responsibility, anyway) didn't get done, and she assumed I was a lazy-ass selfish nurse. She let me know what she thought about that.

I am the least lazy ass nurse around and it really gets me when others assume I'm not diligent and conscientious. However, I am not perfect, and the event that did happen was unfortunate.

It wasn't life-threatening, by the way.

But her assumption that I was purposely and actively ignoring a patient's call light!!! Oh, for God's sake.

Anyway.

She has come back to work. She was gone in the period of time that the hospital transitioned to computer charting. Therefore, I am her "preceptor" for the charting aspect of our job. I know she knows the nursing tasks she needs to do. I am there to help her chart it properly in the new system. I was asked to do this because I like the electronic charting system and I know it very well.

Unfortunately I have difficulty communicating with her - I am telling her to do things but it's not because she doesn't know how to do them, or that she needs to do them. She knows that-- I know she knows that. I am telling her to chart them in the new system so she knows how to document it in the new paradigm.

She hears me criticizing her nursing skills. She has informed me that she's been a nurse for a long time and she knows how to do her job.

Sigh.

When I was asked to precept her I hesitated for this very reason. I think I shocked the nurse educator on the unit when I said this, after all, Lauren (me) doesn't dislike anyone!!

What I told the educator was that we have very different styles and I felt awkward trying to precept someone who was much more experienced than me, both in our hospital and in cardiac nursing. The educator assured me that I'd be an adviser to this nurse, not a preceptor, just to help ease the transition for one week. Since I also recognized I probably was the best person for this job, I reluctantly agreed.

Here is my philosophy on this situation: I am a professional, and my dislike for any individual should not get in the way of my professional duties and obligations. My strategy is to find ways to deal with it. I generally keep quiet about personal issues unless I cannot overcome them - which is rare. When she left, I felt bad for the unit losing an experienced nurse, but personally, I didn't mind too much. When it was announced she was coming back, I thought it was great for the unit, but personally, I was not as elated. Nevertheless, I had worked with her successfully (mostly) for a year before, I could do it again.

I didn't expect to be so involved in her work, though.

It's only a week. It's only a week.

We have had some communication difficulties the first day, which was yesterday. Fortunately we resolved them to some degree.

I'm really glad it's only a week, though. It totally stressed me out. I came home and ate too much and had some wine. I couldn't sleep well last night. It will pass, though.

First post: A Death

One of my patients died last week.

He was very sick. He was on a type of comfort care - he had end stage heart failure, and he was receiving an IV infusion over 6 hours once a week that helped his heart pump better. This gave him more energy. Well, up until the very end.

He was a good guy, although he had a gruff exterior. Many of the nurses on our unit did not like to be assigned to him because he would be negative, and get upset and raise his voice a bit. It didn't bother me that much. He could also be kind.

He lived a good life and from what he told me, he did some wonderful things while here. He had a big family and a good wife. He was in the military in WWII. When he came back from the Pacific, he went to college and became a lawyer. He worked with the left wing liberal groups and hippies of the 1960s and 1970s. It says in his obituary that many of these same people grew up to be radical right wing Republicans.

It's tough to be a Liberal.

I know.

I liked having him as a patient. He was cranky to me sometimes, but he was never out right mean. On a couple of occasions, I had some time to talk with him about his life. He gave me his magazines to read when he was done with them - because I commented that they were good ones..."The Nation" and "The Atlantic Monthly."

I may go to his visitation this afternoon. Unfortunately, I have a medical appointment this afternoon as well and I might not be able to go...that, and the weather is supposed to be stormy this afternoon. Snow and ice.

I will miss him.

The 40s

When I was watching the news on TV last Tuesday, I saw a story on how the decade of a person's 40s is the most depressing time of their lives. That is, people are least happy in their 40s. The nadir seems to be 44.

I am 42.

For me, this is an OK time, but I know what they are talking about. In your 40s, the infinite possibilities on which we were raised become finite. We are old. The wrinkles don't go away with proper rest and hydration. The sag is there. Extra time at the gym doesn't make it go away. Crepe-y skin appears on your neck and upper arms. Suddenly, I'm supposed to have a mammogram every year! I'm less than 10 years away from a colonoscopy --yummy.

For many people in their 40s, they have teenage kids. They are the beautiful, energetic ones, not you. They are filled with potential, you are not any more. No one cares about your hobbies, the kids' sports teams, their achievement in schools, and where they go to college are what everyone is interested in. This is right, this is good, but sheesh, it's hard when the focus is shifted away from you!

I'm not really jealous of the young people. I was there once, and I know their reckoning is coming. Not everyone gets a rosy, problem-free youth, either. Some people get injured, some people make foolish choices, some people die. When I was there, I do recall being vaguely aware of how golden the days were. Loving those days deeply helps, but it doesn't make them last one longer.

Its hard to give up on that dream of infinite potential and vast possibility. It's hard to see ourselves as the frail temporary beings we are. The church tries to remind us of this, but young people don't hear it. It only resounds with the senior citizens who know full well what these concepts mean. And these are the people who come to the congregations any more.

Am I depressed? Am I unhappy? Well, maybe. It is true - I am struggling with the diminished possibilities in my life.

It is highly unlikely I will be a mother. Sometimes I have feelings of anguish at the thought that no one will have known me intimately in the next generation, like I knew my Mom or my grandmother. Sometimes I am sad that I won't be able to share my skills and passions with anyone. I have seen a few births in person, and it seems like an awesome experience I will miss. Logically, I know there is no guarantee that having a child will make such things happen, and after a few generations, I'll be forgotten, regardless.

These logical arguments give me comfort. I think the dialog in my mind about being a mother is my process for coming to terms with the end of that potential - the end of the reproductive phase in my life. It would be foolish to deny that it matters to me. It does. It's not my defining feature, of course, but the culture and society in which I live emphasize these things.

I just wish....

I just wish...

I wish I could have it all. I wish I knew when I was younger that it's not about anything external, it's all about living the life you want. It's all about love. Why didn't I know this, then?

Nevertheless, I didn't. And I don't think I'm unusual in my misdirection.

This shall be an interesting decade. I feel like there will be more challenges and more to give up as I age. I am sure there will also be things of great value and lots of fun stuff to do.