A Child of the Dark

This time of the year, I live in the dark. When I work, I wake up in the dark, I go to work in the dark, and I leave in the dark. I literally forget what my back yard looks like. On my days off, it is a little surprising to me to be in the house and have it light outside.

It's very difficult for me. It's hard not to get depressed. I do, usually.

Being aware of it doesn't cure it.

Eyesight

I have scheduled my LASIK eye surgery. It is on 2/12.

I am not nervous (yet). I actually anticipate it eagerly and I am noticing more the annoying things about wearing glasses. Some of the things that bother me are when I have to change glasses going inside and outside (sunglasses), how my glasses flop down when I am doing yoga (in the inverted poses), how annoying it is to put on a turtleneck top with glasses. I'm noticing how many times I run into things, kick things accidentally, or misjudge distances. Glasses interfere with my peripheral vision. The current styles of glasses are smaller, so they restrict my field of vision.

One thing I'm a little worried about, purely at an emotional level, is whether once I get the surgery, I'll appear to myself as fatter, in the mirror. I have noticed, on those rare occasions when I wear contacts, that things appear bigger to me. It makes sense that the glasses bend the light enough to make things look smaller.

Heh, I could probably use a dose of reality.

Why don't I wear contacts? I find them uncomfortable. I am OK with them for a couple of hours, but wearing them all day and working in them is just too long and too irritating. I end up with bright pink eyes the next day. When I was in college I tried wearing them all of the time, and some kind of deposits formed on them. I wore them anyway, and ended up with scratched corneas. That hurt like hell. I still tried, though, in the name of beauty. Naively, I went to the eye doctor, wondering why my eyes felt raw all the time. Duh.

That was the end of my wearing of contacts regularly. They also don't correct my astigmatism well at all.

Follow up on Guilt

I went to church last week and the Friday previous, I went to yoga. I had a much much better week this week. It may seem like superstition; I think not.

Sickness

My husband is sick again. He's always sick. It gives him an excuse not to do anything around the house or to be social.

I wonder if it's my perception that he's sick frequently or if he really is. I also wonder if he uses the "I'm not feeling well" excuse for whenever he's tired, bored, depressed, or whatever. He knows that this excuse will get me off his back for chores - after all, what the hell can I do about the sickness? A sick person does deserve quiet and rest to recover.

I am on my own today. Well, almost. I don't have free reign of the house, so no excessive cleaning or activity around him.

Additionally, I wonder if he even wants to be well or feel energetic. He doesn't do much exercise. He doesn't eat all that well, despite being vegetarian ("I don't like....this vegetable, that type of soup....blah blah blah").

It just bugs me when he lazes around all day, wanting to be left alone, and then in the evening, he might want sex. Sorry, but your being lazy, booger-y, grunty, smelly, and sleepy all day is not a turn-on. Cooking for you, being left alone, having no interaction is not my idea of foreplay, either.