Coming Back to the Heart: Part 1

Four years ago I took a job away from patient care with the noble ideas that

• I had some skills to share and 
• the organization I work for desperately needed these skills.

I used to be a computer programmer. I grew up in software companies and my native tongue is the language of software development. I became frustrated with the industry after about 15 years and it became apparent I wasn't going to change the world with my work in that industry.

So I went to nursing school, with the humble idea of helping someone.

I did help someone. I took a major salary cut for work one on one with real people in a hospital setting, helping them get through the scary and dangerous world of the hospital. It was rewarding, most of the time. And it was less hours - rare overtime (because nursing overtime was "expensive." Ha!)

Then situations changed such that my old position acquired a new boss.  I gave her a try but, I just didn't mesh with her management style. Soon, it was clear to me: one of us had to go - and she was a very popular lady in the organization, so it wasn't going to be her.

There was an opportunity in informatics. It was a normal salaried position 5-days per week. Informatics is something like a business analyst position, except you concentrate on clinical data, not business data.

Applying for the job was difficult because I knew what could happen to me. But as an end user with software experience, I could tell my company did not know how to run a successful software support organization. I did know how. So maybe I could make a difference.

I was terrified that I would end up facing the same frustrations that caused me to turn my back on the software industry 15 years ago. It was a heartbreaking experience. I thought long and hard about going this route.

Nevertheless, I applied and they hired me. And here is what I found.

• I found an organization that did not feel it was necessary to document their systems and decisions.
• I found an organization that had no formal change control process.
• I found an organization that had no way of moving maintenance requests forward. 
• ...that had no equitable method to prioritize requests.
• Their informal prioritization method was "how powerful is the person complaining?" and "how loud are they screaming?" 
• ...that thought that exclusive knowledge in a single person was a robust organizational model for support. 
• ...that did not value its people, therefore they did not need skilled management.
• ...that had no naming conventions, guidelines, or standards and no data dictionary.
• ...that believed that software usability problems lie with the user
• They couldn't even tell the user RTFM. There was no M to read.
• So the answer must be "user, you must be stupid."

OMG, did they need help! Unfortunately, this was not my group, it was the IT group we were supposed to work with.

The only problem is that no one wants someone outside the organization to point out their problems, even if you're right, and even if you have a solution.

Next installation in this series: Corporate values.

Good Karma

One of the things I do to help the world out is to write reviews on Tripadvisor.

They call me a "senior" reviewer - I've posted 21 reviews so far. I look at reviews of hotels, restaurants and attractions when I travel, so it only makes sense that I should contribute.

It's exciting when I get a response. Indeed, the little things in life thrill me.

Do you write reviews? You should - they don't have to be long or details, although that helps. It's practice writing and it helps other people out. Trip advisor even lets you upload pictures.

I tend to be positive in my reviews, even when I wasn't so thrilled. Like the "chinese buffet" that included 2/3 stations of greasy American food. I suppose they do that because it is what sells, and you can't fault them for doing what is necessary to stay in business. The positive thing was that I could get a meatless meal there, and this place was in rural Kansas (or Missouri - I don't remember right now).

Another aspect of reviewing for travel is putting up reviews for places that are local to you. There are always people who come to your region or town on business and they want to know to best places to eat, or a nice way to spend a free afternoon, etc.

So why not contribute to the community at large?

Getting Away

What is the purpose of a trip away?

I used this weekend's getaway to do something different and deal with different problems. Problems that are ultimately of little consequence: what time do we go to the park? What should we do today? When should we have lunch?

It gives the brain a rest not to worry about the everyday things and the work things.

We ate pretty good food out, we slept easily, we watched brainless TV (Diners Drive-Ins and Dives on the Food Network, and Pawn Stars on History Channel). What can I say - we dropped off paid TV about 2 years ago and now those shows are a treat.

We explored a part of Kansas I did not know much about: the flint hills and the tallgrass prairie. We hiked in the Konza Prairie Biological Station. The prairie was very beautiful. I wish we could have gone either early in the morning or at dusk to increase the chances of seeing more wildlife. We did not see many animals but we took in the vast landscape and got a sense what it was like to be a pioneer, trekking across this grassy prairie.

At the Konza Prairie, we saw:

• Giant Swallowtail butterflies
• A skink of some kind
• A Killdeer 
• Moths, fritillaries, and skippers
  (I didn't know there was a subgroup called a skipper)
• Jillions of grasshoppers, katydids, and pollinating bees and bugs

We'd missed the main spring bloom and we were too early for the late summer and fall bloom.

On Sunday, on the way home, we took the flint hills scenic byway south. While on the byway, we stopped at the Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve. It's a nice park that features the flint hills tallgrass prairie landscape and we had been there several years ago. But since then, they have improved the place significantly, including a new visitor center. It's even better than before. They have built a new visitor's center with a nice presentation area, a short film, and souvenirs. I highly recommend this park - not a lot of drama or excitement, but they do have miles of hiking trails, an old ranch house and barn, and an old schoolhouse all to explore. If you like natural settings, this is a really good one. 

I do feel refreshed. This USA has a lot of interesting places to explore. 

Brene Brown and Daring Greatly

Oh how I wish I would write here more often. 

I am reading about shame by Brene Brown. She's a researcher about vulnerability and shame. Well, I fall in that pit about every 6 weeks.

She writes that those who seem to negotiate life more successfully have deep down belief that they believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Those that struggle more have a basic belief that they are not worthy of love and belonging. 

I cannot decide which camp I fall into. The fact that I have depression and think of self-harm (which I still won't do, so don't worry....still no plan) leads me to think I fall on the not-worthy side.

The fact that I don't have children is other evidence - I never felt worthy (that is, qualified) to be a mother. Too risky. Too vulnerable. Safer not to even go there. 

Yet, logic says that I am as worthy as anyone else. The Christian religions teach that each one of us is a child of God, worthy of being saved by Jesus. My indignant self raises up and says "hey, I'm as good as the next guy."

Today, wrote an email that did not sound as I intended. It sounded like I'm a bitter spiteful bitch. One of the facts was not correct, but the main idea was.  Per Brene Brown, I am in the midst of a serious vulnerability hangover. I did apologize for what I wrote and I did attempt to correct my error, and own up to my mistake. But the fact remains. Those who want to think I am mean and bitchy are glad to have evidence and there is probably nothing I can say to change their minds. 

I sincerely fear I will be asked to leave my job, and this is not the first time. That's really OK, then, because this job is becoming more of a pain in my ass every day, with little satisfaction any more. This job makes me cry about once a week. Any job that makes me cry this regularly is not a good one. 

But I've done the "leave with no plan going forward" thing before. I survived and turned out better, but it's not my favorite thing to do. Would really rather not. 

I wish work didn't matter to me.

I wish Brene, or someone, or something, would guide me to the path to solidifying a core belief that I am worthy, as mentioned above. Her observations and research may be spot on, but how on earth do I cultivate change? 

This mental pain of shame is just agony.

Do you have any idea...

...how much life hurts me at times?

I know I am a beloved child of God, but sometimes I try so hard to fit into this world of people, and I am such a failure. I cannot do it. I don't understand it. I don't know why God would create someone like me to live with perpetual inner pain. It seem so damn cruel to make someone want and try to work within these rules, but I just can't understand them.

My counselor asked what it's like when I get here. I don't know what to say. 

I'm embarrassed.

I'm sad

I'm hopeless. 

I remember how broken I am. 

I recall all of my failures. 

They overwhelm me. 

I want a drink.

I can't think of much good that I do that is of any consequence.

- woo, I pay my taxes. I'm swell, huh?

Most times I can't cry about it although I know I want to. I can't draw up that lump in my throat. 

I'll get over it. 

I'll react like an idiot for a while. 

I'll forget about it after a while.

Then I'll do it again. 

And I'll remember that I did it again. 

Looking Ahead

As per my previous posts, I had resolved to get some help with the stress. I've seen the counselor 3 or 4 times now, and it's going fairly well. As always with therapy, I am being challenged a bit.

Caregiving is resolving alright. I have started taking better care of myself and I work on coming to grips with Dad's impending death and the quality of my care of him (enough? too much? not diligent enough?). I don't think Dad's going to die soon, but it is coming relatively soon.

I asked to talk about my job some. And, as good therapists do, my therapist has challenged me to think about my job. She pointed out that I am behaving as if this is the only job I could ever get and if I were to lose this job, I wouldn't be able to find another.

This is not true. I'm very employable.

I want to stay with my current employer until retirement, even though it is certainly not necessary. She challenges me to consider why I want to stay that long. That's about 20 more years.

I have a habit of staying on too long when it's time to go.

But I have a hard time recognizing when it's time to go. From a practical standpoint, any job can't be happy, fun, and personally fulfilling every single day. There are "down" times and there are times when things don't go your way. I have a hard time telling when it's a temporary down time and when a job can no longer fill my needs.

I value longevity and stick-to-it-iveness in a job and I had planned to stay with my employer to live up to those values. It was my way of thanking the healthcare industry for allowing me to join it so late in life. However (and I apologize for whining), I'm bored. And, this job is not giving me back the warm fuzzies that make a job fulfilling.

Right now, I don't have enough responsibility and leadership for this job to be interesting. The technical aspects of the job are no longer intriguing. I've basically mastered those. To get to the next level I would need training, and the company is not in a financial position to provide that training. Will it always be this way or do I just have to be patient? I find the politics in this organization a big downer - it seems unnecessary and an impedance to any type of progress. Even the politics are boring to me. Additionally, my recent history in this job is very similar to the frustrating situations that caused me to leave computer programming 10 years ago - I am the queen of the cancelled project.

Perhaps my perception is a bit off - surely everyone works on projects that get cancelled. Given my personal work history, I am unusually sensitive to it.

My therapist suggests that "I am not listening to all of the voices" that represent my values and needs for work. That's an interesting perspective. Now I need to figure out what these voices are, find out what they are telling me, and maybe then, form an action plan.

Pumpkin Cheesecake and Fear

For Thanksgiving, I made Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake.

Our newspaper, the Kansas City Star, had a Thanksgiving menu section last weekend and this recipe was included. It sounded like a nice alternative to pumpkin pie. An added bonus was that the recipe was from Lidia's Restaurant in Kansas City, from one of her pastry chefs.

It was good, rich variation on tradition. I'm not sure I'll make it again, though. Cheesecakes are rather labor-intensive and the recipes usually make a huge cake. I could eat cake at every meal, but that's probably not very healthy. I'm limiting it to one piece a day.

(As I reread the nutritional information, I'm glad I lightened it up by using neufchatel cheese for 2 of the 3 blocks of cream cheese. It probably helped lower the calories and fat, but not as much as I'd like to tell myself! I also used Redi-Wip instead of real whipped cream. Honestly, I just didn't feel like making real whipped cream.)

I made a side dish from the same menu section in the paper: Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Pickled Cranberries and Plum Vinaigrette. It sounded crazy enough to try and it was surprisingly tasty. I made one major change to the recipe. I didn't know what "plum sauce" was (in the vinaigrette) so I substituted red currant jelly. I had that left over from a sweet-sour (fake) meatball dish I had made. It worked out fine - I only needed about 1 tbsp - and it gave the dressing a fruity-tart flavor without overpowering it.

I do like brussels sprouts, and I doubt this recipe will convert anyone. Surprisingly, the pickled cranberries filled the role of "cranberry sauce" in our Thanksgiving menu. This recipe is a two-fer!


A month ago, I wrote about fear. It's still here, but I've taken several steps to improve things. First, I am seeing a counselor for a little while. Second, my first "homework" from this counseling is to get a massage. Sounds good to me. Third, I've contacted a housecleaning service and they start on Friday.

The counselor has recommended listening to several recorded books. I've started one by Pema Chodron, called the Pema Chodron Audio Collection. It contains three works: Pure Meditation, Good Medicine, and From Fear to Fearlessness. I'm about half way through the first one. Pema has a soothing voice and calming demeanor, and I like her slight New York/Long Island accent.

The second book is by Harriet Lerner called Fear and Other Uninvited Guests. I was eager to read this one on the Kindle, but I could only find it as an audiobook. Oh well, guess I'll get to it after I'm done with Chodron.

The counselor commented that I seem unhappy with my job. It surprised me to hear that from someone else. I suppose I am, although I wish I were not discontented at all. This is supposed to be the ideal job for me. I thought I was old enough to stay in one job for a long time and I don't really want to change. I have some ideas of why I'm not liking the job right now, but a single cause is not clear. More to come.