OMG

Oh, my God. Someone read my blog. And posted comments.

I feel excited, pleased and vulnerable all at once.

Well, if I'm going to have people over here, I suppose I'd better tidy the place up some.

To my reader, thanks. You made my day.

Just when you thought it was safe...

...to love your job.

Just when you started to think you knew what was going on.

Just when you thought you were pretty good.

You screw up.

This one wasn't so bad, really but I'm taking it hard. Basically, a patient came back from procedure in need of open heart surgery. Not emergent, but urgent - surgery should be scheduled first thing in the morning. So, the patient came back to me, and new orders were being written frenetically - we need a nitro drip, now. We need a Heparin drip, now. We need and ICU bed, now. The surgeons are here, now. Get a carotid duplex, now.

I focused on getting as much done for the patient as I could. Get the chart all in order before sending care off to the ICU nurse - send as many labs down as possible. Get the drips started as soon as possible.

I was wrong. I should have sent the patient to ICU as soon as the orders to transfer were there. I should have let the ICU nurse do most of that stuff. I should have done some of it, but not tried to do all of it. I should have concentrated on getting that patient to ICU. I interpreted the patients' returning to our unit as an indication that I was supposed to continue to care for her.

In my defense:

1. The patient was stable


2. No one stopped me from continuing on the path I chose.


3. When all was said and done, I got the majority of orders done for the patient as quickly as humanly possible. I even got her dinner ordered.


4. When it was all over, I asked for feedback. This is how I found out my priorities were misaligned.


5. I probably would not have gotten that feedback if I hadn't asked. This is good. Because, next time, if I had made the same choice in a similar situation, I'd feel worse. I would have thought that I was misled this time.
   

I learned, and no harm was done. I guess that's the best outcome given the situation.

I need to get over it and just learn. As I've said in a previous post, this feeling that "I have failed" is torture to me, though. A gloomy rainy day after a week of rain does not help me maintain healthy perspective, either.

Now, I will continue to be thoughtful, but I should go do some quilting.

Melancholy

I am at the point where I really must come to terms with the fact that I won't be a Mom. It has hit me this week for some reason.

When I was younger, parenthood was something that I might want someday, and there always was a someday. Now, there is no longer a someday. I'm over 40 by a few years. While it's still theoretically possible, it's very unlikely. And if I were to become pregnant now, I'd have to deal with having very few new-mom peers my age. I'd go to PTA meetings with 20-somethings. I'd be the other kids' Grandma's age.

The irony is that I don't really feel old. I feel more mature...in the sense that I'm more of a "grown up" now. In fact, I finally feel qualified to be a parent.

Lots of people don't have children. One of the struggles I have is that I have no models for being a happy, fulfilled adult without children. Most models of adults involve their being defined by their children (when they're my age). If they don't have children then they desperately want them and live a shell of a life for the lack of a baby. In the popular media, the only interesting thing that a woman does is get pregnant. And such hilarity ensues! The goofy klutzy husband/dad-to-be! The struggles with those silly mood swings! But it's all worth it when the perfect bundle of joy arrives amid drama and heartwarming circumstances.

Where are the models of adults who live a good life without offspring and that's it?

In my family, the majority of my contemporary cousins have children. Indeed, those of us who don't are female. Of those cousins who are parents, there are 4 men (100%) and one woman (25%) . Curious. The message of being a strong, independent woman in charge of her fertility certainly sank into three of us. We weren't going to be "trapped" by the "burden" of motherhood.

Well, that was the message I got from my family. The males got the message that they should let the women decide. So, they married (or hooked up with, in one case) women who decided they wanted children. All-righty, sure, if that's what you want honey, the males said, and lo and behold, there were grandchildren.

I can't blame my family entirely. I am not stupid - I did (and do) know what I was doing. However, as I've said in an earlier post, it did take me a while to realize what life is really about.

It's a change. It's an option that is essentially closed for me. That's different. Ever since I reached menarche, the goal has been not to become pregnant. Pregnancy was this time bomb just waiting to explode and ruin my life and everyone's life around me at any time without forewarning, so I needed to defend against it constantly. Now there is nothing to defend against. Before, I could always change my mind. Now, I can't.

It's kinda like when the cold war was over. Who am I, now that the "enemy" is gone and no longer defines me?

This I must discover.

Potpourri

I don't have a pressing issue today. I will write about a few things.

Sewing

I am sewing a dress in a knit fabric. I'm obsessed with nice knit fabrics lately and I don't know why. I have little experience sewing knits and I find the challenge intriguing. Knits are in, and hot this year. I bought this fabric in New York City in the Fashion District when I was there about 2 weeks ago. It was only $5 a yard and it's got a nice weight and drape to it, however it's not really exotic in appearance. It's navy blue. I also bought some chocolate brown, and a fun abstract print with Asian people on busses in a city-like scene. That fabric is in blues, blacks and reds with a silver accent color adhered on.

I don't know the finer points of fabric manufacturing. It looks like the silver is glued on the surface.

All of this fabric was $5 a yard and it's such superior quality to what you can find here in Kansas City at the chain fabric stores. There are some nice garment fabric stores in town but they naturally charge a lot money for their wares. I can't blame them. In New York, since it's the Fashion DIstrict, there are dozens of little shops jammed to the ceiling with all kinds of fabrics and trims. I guess it's for the students and designers.

I also bought some suiting for a nice pair of pants. That was $12/yard. Still cheap.

Quilting

I've been puttering with a few projects. I've resumed some work on a hand-quilted piece for my mom - been working on this piece for 7 years now. For God's sake!! I should have it done, but I've lost interest to some extent. It's really pretty - a lap quilt or wall hanging in roses and navy blue with a butterfly motif. I should finish it....that's why I bring it to the quilting bee.

Another project is a simple quilted wall-hanging that I purchased at the BVQG garage sale last year. It's called "Cherries Jubilee" and it's a panel with some attractive country designs including hearts, birds, and of course, cherries. The colors are dark red, black, green and gold-beige. It's simple because it's mainly a panel - just a pieced-on border. I am quilting it on the machine in free-motion for practice, merely outlining the designs to give the look of applique. I will choose some kind of motif for the backgrounds and such. I have been using monofilament thread for an invisible look.

And about once a week, I've been putting together a pair of blocks for the log cabin quilt for my bed. I have 36 blocks now. I need 80.

Work

What was I thinking? A coworker asked me to complete her shift today - she wanted to leave early for some personal commitment. It's only 3-7, sure why not? Well, then, the unit educator said, why don't I come in early for a meeting on the computer system? Now I'm working 1:30 - 7.

I want to be involved. I want to succeed. My ego jumps in and says yes.

But, I really want a break today. Instead I'll work some. I want to go to yoga too, though!! I haven't been in weeks.

Garden

In theory, we have past the last freeze date for our zone. I have planted seeds in the garden - the early vegetables such as onions, carrots, radishes, and lettuce. I should plant more today or tomorrow. But I won't put out any warm weather plants for another 2-4 weeks at least. It can freeze late here.

The lawn needed mowing badly- I made a first attempt on Tuesday. It was so tall, the mower could barely handle it - I knew this would be the case, though. The spots where the dogs poop all winter was uber-fertilized and the grass was lush, thick, emerald green, and about 8 inches long. I did a terrible job mowing it just because it was so long. It needs another pass. Thankfully, it's raining today, and I have an excuse for ignoring it.

The fence will be replaced soon. The gutters did get cleaned out.

Home

I feel so behind in my home maintenance work. The project in the basement is in disarray. The house really needs a good cleaning - the bathrooms are due, and the kitty litterbox needs a complete clean out (yes, I've been scooping it). The dogs need washed. The floor needs vacuuming badly.

A messy house makes me feel unsettled. I like being in a cozy, organized place. However, it is only of value to me. Kevin doesn't care about a clean house at all, so I do it mainly for me.

I love me, so I try to take care of myself.

Ode to a Bagel

If you haven't guessed, I am a foodie. I like good food. Good food makes me happy - that's why I cook!

As you know, I just spent a few days in New York City. And to me, New York City means bagels.

I am enjoying one of these satisfying chewy breads right now, directly imported from Ess a Bagel, on 3rd Avenue and 50th St in Midtown Manhattan. Poppy seed - and not just the suggestion of poppy seed, but with one side caked on!

It's chewy. It's slightly salty. It's thick and substantial. It's large- bigger than any bagel you can get elsewhere. The crust is shiny and smooth, but thick and chewy with a slight crunch. It takes jaw muscles, work, persistence, and determination to get through a bagel.

A true New York bagel needs no spread at all. It's moist enough, flavorful enough to stand on its own. I like a little something on it, though - lightly toasted with real butter and a little salt or some cream cheese. Nothing else. A real New York Bagel is too much for a sandwich.

When I was growing up, we weren't lox eaters; now as a vegetarian I don't eat fish, so I guess I never will try the quintessential Jewish brunch. Oy, maybe I'll just have to sometime.

When I was a kid, I didn't appreciate bagels so much. We had exquisite bagels as our norm. Only when I left did I realize how awful other bagels are - they're just rolls with a hole in the middle! No boiling, no twisting as they are shaped. The breads you find at Brueggers or the grocery store have toppings sprinkled on lightly. And you can't even find a salt bagel anywhere!! Salt...poppy seed...sesame seed...onion. That's the real deal. What the hell is a chocolate chip bagel, or cranberry, or blueberry? Bleh.

The act of enjoying the ultimate bagel has a name.

The bay-gasm.

Sigh.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice, practice, practice...

I am back from my vacation in New York City. The main purpose of the trip was to play at Carnegie Hall with my wind symphony group here, called The Kansas City Wind Symphony. Prior to my joining the group, they were invited to participate in a visiting ensemble series at Carnegie Hall. Since August we have been raising and collecting money, making arrangements, and building ensemble.

Sunday night we played. We sounded awesome. I played very well and I was pleased! Perfect? No, of course not! But for me, I did remarkably well - I kept focused and maintained my breathing and relaxation to play well.

Did I mention it already? I play clarinet and I'm in the second clarinet section of the symphony. In a wind symphony, clarinets are something like the violins - the largest section. Second clarinet suits me fine. It's an interesting enough part without all the pressure of being a first clarinet.

Anyway, we were the fourth group to play in the concert. There was a youth symphony from Arkansas, another symphony from Las Vegas, a high school band with whom we are affiliated (Winnetonka HS in Kansas City, MO), and then us.

We played:

1. A brass fanfare


2. Opening to the third act of Lohengrin, an opera by Richard Wagner


3. The 3rd movement of a Stravinsky Piano Concerto


4. Giannini's Symphony Number 3


5. Liberty on Parade by KCWS member Randall Cunningham


6. Slava! by Leonard Bernstein

I didn't play in the fanfare (for obvious reasons) and I wasn't in the piano concerto - it was a small ensemble piece, needing only 3 clarinets. And, it was written for an A clarinet - I only have a B-flat clarinet.

Carnegie was a brilliant venue to play. We sounded beautiful without trying hard at all. It was a remarkable opportunity! I wore my concert dress, a long black dress I had to purchase when I sang with the Concert Singers of Cary. I wore a black sweater over the dress, since it has short sleeves our standards require long sleeves. I was made up pretty, and I looked good.

Because there were four groups, we didn't get on stage until after 10:30 pm and we finished after 11:00 pm. Then all the groups went to the celebratory dinner cruise of the New York Harbor. The cruise was pleasant, although it was awfully late. I got back to my hotel room at about 2:30 Monday morning...and I had to catch the bus to LaGuardia at 8:45!

My thoughts on this event

The cynical side of me shakes her head at the production. This whole concert series is a "racket." The company, Mid America Productions (MAP), identifies good amateur groups around the country and invites them to play. They show you a slick marketing video, in which the likes of Isaac Stern and other greats of classical music wax poetic on the experience of playing at Carnegie. You too, can join the ranks of Leontine Price, the Beatles, the New York Philharmonic, blah, blah, blah. But you have to buy their package, including the cruise, the hotel room, and ground transportation. There are other tour options you are encouraged to purchase as well. And it isn't cheap! Five days in NYC, 4 to a hotel room runs well over $2000 per person, not including air fare or food or other ground transportation. It cost our group something in the neighborhood of $80,000 to do this trip.

Ah, but the carrot is irresistible. Playing at Carnegie Hall. Every musician's dream...

What a racket!!! Then, when all these goofy groups from around the country go to Carnegie, their family members come too, and MAP is happy to sell them tickets, hotel rooms, and such at the "group rate." They also use us to fill up Carnegie Hall's seats on the off nights. Indeed, our performance was nearly sold out.

Heh, most of the audience had left by the time we went on stage. Our family members had to suffer through those other performances.

When I sang in Duke's Chapel Choir, they too were invited to Carnegie by MAP for a similar exorbitant price for a Monday night performance. (or maybe a Tuesday....whatever....). Same kind of package with tours and such.

All in All

I'm really glad I did it and from now on, I can proudly say that I played at Carnegie Hall. I think I'll keep quiet about the reality. Folks here can think I'm great, that's fine with me.

It's late and I've got to work in the morning. So, I will write more on the trip to New York later.

Gawd, I just love that city...

Demons

I know why nurses drink or smoke or have other self-destructive behaviors. The work wears on you. You don't want to think about what happened during the day. You want something to take the edge off. You don't want to feel it.

It hurts worse when you actually make a mistake. Many times, though, the stuff that happens is way out of my control, and even though I know logically that I did my best or it wasn't my fault, it still hurts.

I am vulnerable. I have not done anything illegal or even that destructive. I am drinking wine more regularly than I ever have before - rarely more than 2 glasses. Usually just one. My habits when I get home from a rough day are not the healthiest. I plop down in front of the TV and eat. Usually too much, and usually the easiest food I can throw together. It tends to come out of a box or bag, straight to my mouth.

In my defense...my environment when I get home is not conducive to healthful recovery. I come home physically tired, mentally weakened, dehydrated, and hungry. My husband has already plopped in front of the TV and is watching our TIVO'd favorites while playing some kind of game on his iPod. He doesn't talk to me much. He already ate dinner, I have to fend for myself. I have gotten signals that he doesn't really want to hear what happened during my day, unless it's happy or positive. When I have a rough day, my day usually involves gross or disturbing occurrences, or some kind of work politics that he would prefer to ignore. Talking about it really helps me, but it is very hard to do so with someone not in the field.

Sometimes I talk about it anyway.

Sometimes I write about it here.

I don't want to become a smoker, or an alcoholic, or vastly overweight, or an illegal drug user! I want to stay healthy and balanced. I want to be able to cope with this type of stress gracefully. This is my goal - and it will take moral fortitude, aggressive self-care, and grace from my guardian angel to achieve.

Getting Away

I have not had a real break from work since Christmas. Today, I get away to New York City to play with my symphony at Carnegie Hall. Pretty exciting! I have lots of free time in NYC, so I hope to have some fun, eat some good food, and see some shows. This little vacation is so necessary.

I will be a changed person when I come back home.