Good Karma

One of the things I do to help the world out is to write reviews on Tripadvisor.

They call me a "senior" reviewer - I've posted 21 reviews so far. I look at reviews of hotels, restaurants and attractions when I travel, so it only makes sense that I should contribute.

It's exciting when I get a response. Indeed, the little things in life thrill me.

Do you write reviews? You should - they don't have to be long or details, although that helps. It's practice writing and it helps other people out. Trip advisor even lets you upload pictures.

I tend to be positive in my reviews, even when I wasn't so thrilled. Like the "chinese buffet" that included 2/3 stations of greasy American food. I suppose they do that because it is what sells, and you can't fault them for doing what is necessary to stay in business. The positive thing was that I could get a meatless meal there, and this place was in rural Kansas (or Missouri - I don't remember right now).

Another aspect of reviewing for travel is putting up reviews for places that are local to you. There are always people who come to your region or town on business and they want to know to best places to eat, or a nice way to spend a free afternoon, etc.

So why not contribute to the community at large?

Getting Away

What is the purpose of a trip away?

I used this weekend's getaway to do something different and deal with different problems. Problems that are ultimately of little consequence: what time do we go to the park? What should we do today? When should we have lunch?

It gives the brain a rest not to worry about the everyday things and the work things.

We ate pretty good food out, we slept easily, we watched brainless TV (Diners Drive-Ins and Dives on the Food Network, and Pawn Stars on History Channel). What can I say - we dropped off paid TV about 2 years ago and now those shows are a treat.

We explored a part of Kansas I did not know much about: the flint hills and the tallgrass prairie. We hiked in the Konza Prairie Biological Station. The prairie was very beautiful. I wish we could have gone either early in the morning or at dusk to increase the chances of seeing more wildlife. We did not see many animals but we took in the vast landscape and got a sense what it was like to be a pioneer, trekking across this grassy prairie.

At the Konza Prairie, we saw:

• Giant Swallowtail butterflies
• A skink of some kind
• A Killdeer 
• Moths, fritillaries, and skippers
  (I didn't know there was a subgroup called a skipper)
• Jillions of grasshoppers, katydids, and pollinating bees and bugs

We'd missed the main spring bloom and we were too early for the late summer and fall bloom.

On Sunday, on the way home, we took the flint hills scenic byway south. While on the byway, we stopped at the Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve. It's a nice park that features the flint hills tallgrass prairie landscape and we had been there several years ago. But since then, they have improved the place significantly, including a new visitor center. It's even better than before. They have built a new visitor's center with a nice presentation area, a short film, and souvenirs. I highly recommend this park - not a lot of drama or excitement, but they do have miles of hiking trails, an old ranch house and barn, and an old schoolhouse all to explore. If you like natural settings, this is a really good one. 

I do feel refreshed. This USA has a lot of interesting places to explore. 

Brene Brown and Daring Greatly

Oh how I wish I would write here more often. 

I am reading about shame by Brene Brown. She's a researcher about vulnerability and shame. Well, I fall in that pit about every 6 weeks.

She writes that those who seem to negotiate life more successfully have deep down belief that they believe they are worthy of love and belonging. Those that struggle more have a basic belief that they are not worthy of love and belonging. 

I cannot decide which camp I fall into. The fact that I have depression and think of self-harm (which I still won't do, so don't worry....still no plan) leads me to think I fall on the not-worthy side.

The fact that I don't have children is other evidence - I never felt worthy (that is, qualified) to be a mother. Too risky. Too vulnerable. Safer not to even go there. 

Yet, logic says that I am as worthy as anyone else. The Christian religions teach that each one of us is a child of God, worthy of being saved by Jesus. My indignant self raises up and says "hey, I'm as good as the next guy."

Today, wrote an email that did not sound as I intended. It sounded like I'm a bitter spiteful bitch. One of the facts was not correct, but the main idea was.  Per Brene Brown, I am in the midst of a serious vulnerability hangover. I did apologize for what I wrote and I did attempt to correct my error, and own up to my mistake. But the fact remains. Those who want to think I am mean and bitchy are glad to have evidence and there is probably nothing I can say to change their minds. 

I sincerely fear I will be asked to leave my job, and this is not the first time. That's really OK, then, because this job is becoming more of a pain in my ass every day, with little satisfaction any more. This job makes me cry about once a week. Any job that makes me cry this regularly is not a good one. 

But I've done the "leave with no plan going forward" thing before. I survived and turned out better, but it's not my favorite thing to do. Would really rather not. 

I wish work didn't matter to me.

I wish Brene, or someone, or something, would guide me to the path to solidifying a core belief that I am worthy, as mentioned above. Her observations and research may be spot on, but how on earth do I cultivate change? 

This mental pain of shame is just agony.