Long time hiatus

It has been a long time since I've written. Much of my online life has been on Facebook. Here I feel more anonymous. I have some thoughts to work through.

So, I'm writing again.

In the past couple of weeks, two famous people died by suicide. Both were in their middle years, in their 50s and 60s. I'm speaking of Kate Spake and Anthony Bourdain.

I think Kate Spade was deeply depressed. I don't know much about Bourdain.

I don't have a conclusion about the whole thing, but I have a few thoughts.

Our society is so unsupportive of older adults. When someone older dies like this, we don't think about how much potential they had, as we do for young adults and teenagers. By our 60s, our potential has been realized already.

So we want them to stay alive, but... for what?

• Likely you'll have more pain as you age.
• Doctors want you to have all kinds of unpleasant tests.
• If something is wrong, you are strongly encouraged to treat it.
• You'll end up taking dozens of medications.
• You'll end up having surgeries. The more surgeries, the more likelihood something will go wrong. 
• You're probably going to get cancer, become incontinent, get dementia and/or Alzheimer's disease.
• Your choices for assistance and support when you're older are lousy.
• Of course, Bourdain and Spade probably could have afforded some really good care. Most of us won't have that luxury. 
• Society will start to ignore you.

I had hoped that maybe the Baby Boomer generation will change the face of aging and push America to create better choices.

Now I'm wondering if their contribution will be using suicide to avoid all the difficulties of growing older. Maybe by the time I get into my 70s, people will be crossing their arms and tapping their feet wondering why I haven't done it yet. By then, it will be expected.

Elderly and Ill

Dad has gotten better over the past 6 months or so, since we got him off that awful anti-seizure medication. Indeed it prevented seizures, but it also made him nearly comatose, sleepy all the time, unable to put together coherent thoughts.

Indeed it prevented seizures...hah! He never had a history of epilepsy or seizures and he had one seizure once after (minor) brain surgery. I understand keeping him on the medication for a while, but seriously, did he have to have it for the rest of his life? I said no.

This situation illustrates the need for an advocate for the elderly and sick. His facility would have gladly given him this stuff for the rest of his life, if I didn't decide to investigate if he needed it, then follow through on the steps to get him off of it safely.

Anyway, that's not the reason I am writing today.

I want to vent a little about families and myths. I am tired of hearing about how your family member is still sharp as a tack and lives independently at home alone at age 98. And drinks a shot of gin every night. And smokes a cigar every day. And still drives the tractor and farms 50 acres every spring.

You know what? Not everyone is that lucky.

You know what else? I bet he's not as independent as you may think. Maybe you're glossing over some of the less glamorous parts.

I presume there are the lucky few who make it to that age fully functional.

But most people do not. Their lifestyles catch up with them. Their genetics catch up with them. Or both. Some of them have repeated hospital admissions. They get admitted to rehab or nursing homes to recover from from surgeries or accidents. Most have good days and bad days.  Family members are left wringing their hands with a situation they really didn't want.

I guess I get a little angry because their comment about Dad ("oh, but he's so young!") has an implication that this was someone's fault. Or maybe if the family had been paying attention we could have avoided all of this. Or maybe if Dad had been living better this wouldn't have happened.

I don't think people are consciously criticizing - they're being a little thoughtless, maybe. People in their seventies shouldn't have these kinds of problems, right?

Dad lived a relatively healthy life, and he didn't deserve this. Perhaps it's something in our familial genetic makeup that makes us prone to dementia in our 70s - certainly not something we can control with lifestyle. All the crossword puzzles and mental exercises and good eating and exercise isn't going to alter the preprogrammed breakdown of cellular processes....at least not with today's state of medical knowledge.  Maybe it was something he did back in his 20s, but again, no one knows any cause-effect for Dad's type of dementia. The state of the knowledge today is "it just happens to some people."

It's something like how some cancer patients are bothered by others telling encouraging stories of their co-workers cousin who went into remission miraculously after being given only 3 months to live. Really, that's awesome for him. So what makes this cancer patient not have remission?

I am trying to come up with a conclusion for this post, but my first attempts have sounded mean spirited. I'm not overly upset about this. I just wanted to write about it, work though it, and get it off my chest. I think for me, this perspective points to the source of my compassion. Sometimes you just have to be in it and live with it.  Maybe even befriend it.

Caregiving for someone with dementia and other physical problems is hard. I try to do right by him, and mostly I do a good job.

Heritage

This year, I'm embracing my German heritage a bit for Christmas. I am baking a Stollen, made from scratch.

I'm a pretty good baker and I am not intimidated by the yeast, the kneading, the ingredients, or the time. I just need to take the time.

This recipe is from the Farm Journal Homemade Bread cookbook. I found it at a thrift store 8 or 9 years ago, and it has been a terrific cookbook. I love making bread. The whole process is therapeutic to me and nothing can rival the scent and taste of home baked bread.

I have had much success with vintage Farm Journal cookbooks. These books are American heartland cooking at its best. Hearty foods with basic flavors that fuel hard working people. These cookbooks tend to have a German/Eastern European inclination in the recipes because many Germans immigrated to America and settled in the farming midwest - Iowa, Kansas, and Nebraska.

Update 12/25/14: Added photos of my Stollen. It is crazy delicious!! What an awesome recipe!

On being German:

To the best of my knowledge, I am about 75% German heritage, and 25% Polish. There may be a little English sprinkled in, too. I never thought much about being German as anything distinct from American. In some ways I envied my friends who had a more distinct heritage, such as Indian, Syrian, Italian, or Jewish. That may be because my forefathers and mothers immigrated in the late 1800's where many of my friends at the time were second generation or so.

As I grew older, I realized that some aspects of my upbringing were distinctly German. For example, Mom cooked cabbage and pork butt, sauerkraut and sausage (often kielbasa) sometimes for dinner. In the summertime, Mom made Blueberry Kuchen, not blueberry cake. My grandmother frequently replied with "Yah" (German for "yes") instead of "yeah." Interestingly, I never encountered pierogies, a much-loved Polish dish, until college. I suppose that is because my Polish heritage is through my father's father....and mothers typically dictate the menu at home. Also, we didn't practice the more common German religions - Lutheran and Catholic.

Whole Stollen - the recipe made two!

Mom liked her Stollen at Christmastime. As a child, I didn't particularly like it; it is not sweet enough and it doesn't contain chocolate! Sometimes those candied fruits tasted bitter to me (probably the candied citrus peel). Now I am growing older, and I am developing a taste for spice and fruits, so Stollen is more appealing. I also thought it would be a nice treat for Dad. Since Mom insisted on her Entenmann's Stollen every year, Dad embraced the tradition.

Unfortunately, Entenmann's Stollen seems to be a regional product to the North East US. It was difficult to find near Mom's home in central Virginia. Mom grew up in central New Jersey, and I grew up in Northern New Jersey, where it was pretty common. I can't find it here in Eastern Kansas either....but there are plenty of other bakeries!

This year, we host a college student from China over the holidays. I hope to share this tradition with her, too.

The Business Game

First, I would like to say that this blog is now over 7 years old. I started this self-reflection project on November 3, 2007.  Pretty cool.

Now, I am an employee of the company. I am everything in this office - secretary, lifestyle coordinator, marketing department, sales department, technical support, CEO and janitor. Obviously it won't scale.

I have business cards and brochures. I'm learning the processes for marketing, developing referral sources, as well as screening potential clients.

No clients yet, but I have one in the pipeline.

I need to work another lead that might become a client.

I have my first referral source development opportunity later today - this process takes the next step beyond making contact.  I am very grateful that I have the support of the existing company because it really helps to have a process to follow for marketing. It would have taken me months or years to figure some of this stuff out.

The whole process is kind of fun. I enjoy learning new things and I have a healthy approach to the process. Specifically, I'm approaching this whole thing as a real-life game. I have played my professional life cautiously and now I'm ready to play for real, with fun, money, deep satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment as the prizes. The losses are real, too.

But I fully intend to win.

Caring for a Loved One in a Nursing Home: Labeling Clothing

There are several options for labeling your loved one's clothing. Pictures help tell the story, so enjoy!

Write on the Clothing

The quickest easiest way to label is to use a Sharpie or a permanent fabric marker. I have personally used a Pigma Micron pen and a Sharpie for my father's clothes, and both have been successful.

Not long ago Sharpie came out with some markers intended for permanent writing on fabric called Stained by Sharpie. These work even better than regular Sharpies for permanent marking on clothing.

Regular Sharpie markers do eventually fade with washing. It's easy enough to re-write on the clothing, but you must remember to check.

This obviously only works well for lighter fabrics using a darker marker.

Write the name in a location on the garment that is inconspicuous when worn, yet fairly easy to find. If the garment is dark, you can write on a light colored manufacturer label. Usually there is some margin space on these labels.

Writing on the garment is my preferred method for labeling white socks. I write the name on the bottom of the sock around the arch. Dark socks are tricky.... that's another post.

Writing on the garment is always a good "fall-back" labeling technique. This is why I keep a Sharpie in my purse at all times. You could also stash one in your loved one's room if there's a convenient place.

Custom Ink Stamps

A social worker at my father's facility highly recommends a military clothing stamp. The military requires all clothing to be labeled and they have developed inks that really stay.  I have no personal experience with these stamps, but it seems like a really good idea.  As an employee of a facility, the social worker purchased a customizable stamp where you can change the name. I'm not sure where you can get such a thing, but as you know....you can buy just about anything on the Internet!

You can get a custom clothing stamp made - several companies offer such a product.

Custom Labels

I don't have personal experience with purchased iron-on or sew-on labels. Many boast iron-on for simplicity and permanent adhesion, but honestly, I'm suspicious. The laundry in a nursing home is so harsh on clothes I would be afraid the adhesive would deteriorate. Knits could be problematic because the stretching could cause the adhesive to detach.

I would imagine sewing them on would be just like sewing on the homemade labels, without having to press under raw edges.

Fortunately, they aren't expensive and you can get a lot of them for a little bit of money. A web search on "clothing labels" will lead you to many options, as plain or as fancy as you like.

Homemade Labels

I like to sew, and my sewing machine is always at the ready, so I don't mind making my own labels. The easiest labels are simple rectangles of white cotton (or cotton-blend) fabric with raw edged folded and pressed under, and stitched to the garment by machine using a zig zag stitch. I write the name on the label using one of the markers mentioned above. I usually make up a bunch of them at one time using scraps of white or light-colored fabric, then sew them on as Dad acquires new clothes.

A good dimension for a homemade label is 1.25" x 2.5" (raw, before edges are pressed under.)

Label with Hand-Written Name
(name blurred for privacy)

Label with Edges Ironed Under

Position the label and pin to garment. If you don't want to pin, you can always use a washable glue (like Elmer's).

The zig zag stitch is a good choice because you don't have to be as precise in sewing around the label, and it has a little "give" to it. Much of Dad's clothing is knit with some stretch. I usually sew the label on near the manufacturers labels.

Label Zigzag Stitched to Garment

I usually use white thread on the top and a thread in the color matching the shirt in the bobbin, so the stitching is not too obvious. Here's how it looks on the back (outwards facing, when worn).

Appearance of Label Stitching

Sure, it's noticeable when you're looking for it. If I was picky I could touch the white thread with a marker to conceal them. In this case, it's the back of a pair of athletic pants and it won't be seen when Dad is sitting. When standing, his shirt will cover it.

Tips: 

Spray starch or Mary Ellen's Best Press Clear Starch used when ironing helps the labels retain their crisp pressed edges.

On polo shirts with knit collars, you can sew the label on the collar itself on the inside, a little above the seam where the collar is stitched to the shirt. The fold of the collar will cover up the stitching in back. On T-shirts, I usually sew the label on the strip of fabric that covers the seam between the shirt and the ribbed neck opening.

Homemade labels do not work well for super-stretchy items like socks, though.

For shirts and pants, this is my preferred technique. The labels are easy to find and easy to read. Plus, it shows that someone put in a little extra care for their family member.

Caring for a Loved One in a Nursing Home: Laundry

Many nursing home facilities offer laundry services for the residents. Usually the fee is quite reasonable and using the service is a great convenience for the family. In my experience, the laundry service currently costs about $1.00/day.

Some families prefer to do their loved one's laundry. That's fine, but be advised that there are dozens of other things that need to be done to care for your loved one in a nursing home. Using the service can lighten the load a little. And, you won't have to worry about if Mom or Dad has enough clothes for the next few days.

Labeling your loved one's clothes is required. There is no way the laundry service will be able to remember whose clothes are whose - it all looks the same to them.  I advise labeling with the last name, rather than a room number, because room assignments can change. Names will work for any laundry service, no matter how many times Dad moves - within the facility or to a new facility.

The laundry service will label clothes if asked, but this is one thing that I don't think is worth the cost. Really it's not that much of a burden to do.

Understand that when laundry is done in this setting, they are interested in cleanliness and efficiency, not special care of delicate fabrics. The laundry detergent is probably cheap industrial strength, and they wash in warm and hot water. They probably only separate whites from colors, and that's it - no wash-and-wear, no delicate cycle, no cold water hand-wash. Everything goes in the drier and they run the drier on hot. Like, really hot...to dry faster.

Laundry Tips

It is important to select durable clothing that can take the laundry wear-and-tear of the nursing home laundry service. Here are a few tips:

• Cotton clothing is at risk for shrinkage, even if the cotton is pre-shrunk. In my experience T-shirts generally hold up well, but 100% cotton sweatpants, slacks, and shorts tend to get shorter. Shrinkage continues to happen over time. 
• Colors will fade.
• The heavy-duty laundering can cause labeling to come off or fade beyond recognition. 
• It is a good idea to check the labeling every so often. 
• Keep delicate or special care items at your home, and if you want your loved one to wear that nicer outfit for an event, bring it in right before it is needed. 
• Before the event, talk to the staff, and let them know your loved-one will need to change clothes for an event. 
• Allow plenty of time to do the change. Then have them change back into everyday clothes as soon as it is convenient. 
• Take the worn clothes with you for cleaning, so they don't accidentally end up in the laundry and get ruined. (Remember to bring a laundry bag, in case an accident happens while Dad is wearing his suit.)
• Anything can end up in the wash.
• My father's shearling leather slippers were put in the laundry once. Shrunk them terribly and bleached the color out! Fortunately, they survived, and with repeated stretching, they are wearable again.

In my next post, I will share my experience about labeling clothes.

Still on the Roller Coaster

My motivation is waning. Things aren't moving as quickly as I would like, however...they are still moving.  I don't have a contract yet. I did pick a phone number and I choose the names on my business cards.

It's coming, but it takes time. Really, it has only been a little over two weeks.

Networking

Last Thursday I went to a general networking group I had found on Meetup and it was a totally foreign situation. I was a bit freaked out about it - after I entered the room, I found a sales table all set up with supplement products and free samples of their energy bars, etc.

Holy crap, I thought, they're going to sell me supplements. This isn't networking! This is a sales trap! Panic! Run away!

I was wrong...it was networking after all. The table was for the presentation of the day, which was to be given by one of the group members who did sell these supplements.

The group is a formal networking group with expensive dues, lots of formal rules, and lots of requirements for their members. You are supposed to stay for the entire meeting. You are supposed to make all meetings. You are supposed to attend social business events put on by other members. You are supposed to refer clients to the club's members (and they are supposed to send clients to you).

There are benefits, too. You have a sympathetic audience to help you work out marketing messages and pitches. When you go to the business/social events, you will know people. You meet people you might otherwise not meet in your usual crowd. This could translate to new business. The people in the group were basically normal people, although there weren't many in the fields that would help my clientele.

After thinking about it for several days, I've come to the conclusion that this group isn't quite right for me. It's too expensive for the potential value to my business - that is, not targeted enough for quality referrals.

I give myself credit that I tried. And since there isn't much to do right now, I will concentrate a bit more on life-management items I need to do. That is, I will work on chores around the house, getting my flu shot, and preparing for my sister's visit later this week.

Patience. It takes time to build something new.