Vacillating

My motivation and mood is so labile these days. That is, sometimes I am happy, purposeful, motivated, yet sometimes Griselda dominates. I hate this time of year. I hate it, hate it, hate it. Today, I experienced despair and industriousness. Weird.

Sundays are not my own - I dedicate them to clubs and such. I go to church, I take care of the house, and now I go back to the Kansas City Wind Symphony. While giving of my time is difficult (I am selfish - I want to wallow in myself), I ultimately find these experiences rewarding.

To me, the need to get outside myself is one way God is manifest in my life. It is one way the teachings of Jesus makes sense. Sure, I can live myself all wrapped up in myself and my doings, but how much better life is when I live for others. This is living life abundantly. It is against human nature to do so....yet, yet... I am called to try anyway.

Last week at church, I received a little paper star with a word on it. Everyone in the congregation got one. This word was supposed to be a message for us for this time or this year. The sermon had to do with new year and new beginning, and this was part of the teaching. Maybe it was random, but maybe - and I like to think it is - maybe God uses the little messages to communicate to us.

My word was "sanctification."

I was disappointed. First of all I wasn't sure I knew what it meant; I had to look it up on Google and found that it has to do with several dimensions of making something holy. One's self, a place, an object - all of these things can be sanctified.

But what does this mean for me? I am not an especially ritualistic person when it comes to religion. I don't really believe there are holy things or places or people in this world. Indeed, God is holy, but things of this earth, are in fact things of this earth. Holiness is an attitude here. I wanted a word that gave me inspiration, that gave me a task, that gave me a purpose. I got a word that left me baffled.

Sanctification. Do I need to make my life more holy? Do I need to seek out the holy? And what would it mean if I regarded certain things holy? How would that change how I act or think?

Sanctification.

I guess the little message has done its job. I am pondering it.