Demons

I know why nurses drink or smoke or have other self-destructive behaviors. The work wears on you. You don't want to think about what happened during the day. You want something to take the edge off. You don't want to feel it.

It hurts worse when you actually make a mistake. Many times, though, the stuff that happens is way out of my control, and even though I know logically that I did my best or it wasn't my fault, it still hurts.

I am vulnerable. I have not done anything illegal or even that destructive. I am drinking wine more regularly than I ever have before - rarely more than 2 glasses. Usually just one. My habits when I get home from a rough day are not the healthiest. I plop down in front of the TV and eat. Usually too much, and usually the easiest food I can throw together. It tends to come out of a box or bag, straight to my mouth.

In my defense...my environment when I get home is not conducive to healthful recovery. I come home physically tired, mentally weakened, dehydrated, and hungry. My husband has already plopped in front of the TV and is watching our TIVO'd favorites while playing some kind of game on his iPod. He doesn't talk to me much. He already ate dinner, I have to fend for myself. I have gotten signals that he doesn't really want to hear what happened during my day, unless it's happy or positive. When I have a rough day, my day usually involves gross or disturbing occurrences, or some kind of work politics that he would prefer to ignore. Talking about it really helps me, but it is very hard to do so with someone not in the field.

Sometimes I talk about it anyway.

Sometimes I write about it here.

I don't want to become a smoker, or an alcoholic, or vastly overweight, or an illegal drug user! I want to stay healthy and balanced. I want to be able to cope with this type of stress gracefully. This is my goal - and it will take moral fortitude, aggressive self-care, and grace from my guardian angel to achieve.

Getting Away

I have not had a real break from work since Christmas. Today, I get away to New York City to play with my symphony at Carnegie Hall. Pretty exciting! I have lots of free time in NYC, so I hope to have some fun, eat some good food, and see some shows. This little vacation is so necessary.

I will be a changed person when I come back home.