A Birthday and an Achievement

Thursday was my birthday. I am now 42. I have come to dislike birthdays, although I still enjoy treating myself with presents and getting attention from friends and family.

My achievement was that I found out yesterday that one of the patents that I had applied for in my previous life had been awarded. I am an inventor of an original software process. Technically, I am a co-inventor - I don't want to minimize that. Two of us developed the process and implementation. Both women, interestingly enough.

I am pleased this patent was granted. This one I actually invented and I do believe it is original. There was another one I co-invented with 4 other people. My role was much smaller, and I don't think the process is exceedingly original. But, there was a patent frenzy back in the late 90s and early 00s, and my corporation got caught up in it. I do put both of these things on my resume. It impresses people.

It also earned me about $1000 in bonus money. Nice, but long gone!!

I am torn whether to mention this award to my boss at my current job. On the one hand, it's pretty cool, and unique. On the other hand, it is some degree of shameless self promotion. This particular patent has nothing to do with my current job. As a result, I kinda feel like I'd be saying, "look at me, I was little miss sunshine when I was 5 years old!' (I wasn't, by the way). Still, it's an accomplishment and I'd like to share with a few people.

I struggle with my ego. Deep down, I think I'm very egotistical. I think I'm great, beautiful, talented, smart, and funny. Logically, though, I conclude I'm about as common as they come (except for the no-kids thing). Everyone is great, beautiful, talents, smart, or funny, all of these things, and many more. I am conflicted between real values and the world's values - am I great because of my achievements (world value)? am I great because I am one of God's beloved children (real value)? Am I nothing because I'm a common person living in the USA (world value)?

Another example of where I've been conflicted was when I found a writing contest in the newspaper. They were looking for several writers for a column about people's faith journeys. In some ways, I think my journey has been unique. I thought it was something I should share. Maybe it would inspire or comfort someone. I sat down and wrote one of the essays for the contest. But the more I thought about it, I wondered if my motivation was really self-aggrandization. I wanted to be published and have my picture in the paper. Maybe I really just wanted the admiration of others over what a superb Christian I was.

So I never sent in my essay.

I seem to have the urge to tell my story, since I'm writing here. However, I've told no one about my blog. Yet.

PS. I need to write about my faith journey here.