Dad has gotten better over the past 6 months or so, since we got him off that awful anti-seizure medication. Indeed it prevented seizures, but it also made him nearly comatose, sleepy all the time, unable to put together coherent thoughts.
Indeed it prevented seizures...hah! He never had a history of epilepsy or seizures and he had one seizure once after (minor) brain surgery. I understand keeping him on the medication for a while, but seriously, did he have to have it for the rest of his life? I said no.
This situation illustrates the need for an advocate for the elderly and sick. His facility would have gladly given him this stuff for the rest of his life, if I didn't decide to investigate if he needed it, then follow through on the steps to get him off of it safely.
Anyway, that's not the reason I am writing today.
I want to vent a little about families and myths. I am tired of hearing about how your family member is still sharp as a tack and lives independently at home alone at age 98. And drinks a shot of gin every night. And smokes a cigar every day. And still drives the tractor and farms 50 acres every spring.
You know what? Not everyone is that lucky.
You know what else? I bet he's not as independent as you may think. Maybe you're glossing over some of the less glamorous parts.
I presume there are the lucky few who make it to that age fully functional.
But most people do not. Their lifestyles catch up with them. Their genetics catch up with them. Or both. Some of them have repeated hospital admissions. They get admitted to rehab or nursing homes to recover from from surgeries or accidents. Most have good days and bad days. Family members are left wringing their hands with a situation they really didn't want.
I guess I get a little angry because their comment about Dad ("oh, but he's so young!") has an implication that this was someone's fault. Or maybe if the family had been paying attention we could have avoided all of this. Or maybe if Dad had been living better this wouldn't have happened.
I don't think people are consciously criticizing - they're being a little thoughtless, maybe. People in their seventies shouldn't have these kinds of problems, right?
Dad lived a relatively healthy life, and he didn't deserve this. Perhaps it's something in our familial genetic makeup that makes us prone to dementia in our 70s - certainly not something we can control with lifestyle. All the crossword puzzles and mental exercises and good eating and exercise isn't going to alter the preprogrammed breakdown of cellular processes....at least not with today's state of medical knowledge. Maybe it was something he did back in his 20s, but again, no one knows any cause-effect for Dad's type of dementia. The state of the knowledge today is "it just happens to some people."
It's something like how some cancer patients are bothered by others telling encouraging stories of their co-workers cousin who went into remission miraculously after being given only 3 months to live. Really, that's awesome for him. So what makes this cancer patient not have remission?
I am trying to come up with a conclusion for this post, but my first attempts have sounded mean spirited. I'm not overly upset about this. I just wanted to write about it, work though it, and get it off my chest. I think for me, this perspective points to the source of my compassion. Sometimes you just have to be in it and live with it. Maybe even befriend it.
Caregiving for someone with dementia and other physical problems is hard. I try to do right by him, and mostly I do a good job.
