I know I am a beloved child of God, but sometimes I try so hard to fit into this world of people, and I am such a failure. I cannot do it. I don't understand it. I don't know why God would create someone like me to live with perpetual inner pain. It seem so damn cruel to make someone want and try to work within these rules, but I just can't understand them.
My counselor asked what it's like when I get here. I don't know what to say.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm sad
I'm hopeless.
I remember how broken I am.
I recall all of my failures.
They overwhelm me.
I want a drink.
I can't think of much good that I do that is of any consequence.
- woo, I pay my taxes. I'm swell, huh?
Most times I can't cry about it although I know I want to. I can't draw up that lump in my throat.
I'll get over it.
I'll react like an idiot for a while.
I'll forget about it after a while.
Then I'll do it again.
And I'll remember that I did it again.
