Looking Ahead

As per my previous posts, I had resolved to get some help with the stress. I've seen the counselor 3 or 4 times now, and it's going fairly well. As always with therapy, I am being challenged a bit.

Caregiving is resolving alright. I have started taking better care of myself and I work on coming to grips with Dad's impending death and the quality of my care of him (enough? too much? not diligent enough?). I don't think Dad's going to die soon, but it is coming relatively soon.

I asked to talk about my job some. And, as good therapists do, my therapist has challenged me to think about my job. She pointed out that I am behaving as if this is the only job I could ever get and if I were to lose this job, I wouldn't be able to find another.

This is not true. I'm very employable.

I want to stay with my current employer until retirement, even though it is certainly not necessary. She challenges me to consider why I want to stay that long. That's about 20 more years.

I have a habit of staying on too long when it's time to go.

But I have a hard time recognizing when it's time to go. From a practical standpoint, any job can't be happy, fun, and personally fulfilling every single day. There are "down" times and there are times when things don't go your way. I have a hard time telling when it's a temporary down time and when a job can no longer fill my needs.

I value longevity and stick-to-it-iveness in a job and I had planned to stay with my employer to live up to those values. It was my way of thanking the healthcare industry for allowing me to join it so late in life. However (and I apologize for whining), I'm bored. And, this job is not giving me back the warm fuzzies that make a job fulfilling.

Right now, I don't have enough responsibility and leadership for this job to be interesting. The technical aspects of the job are no longer intriguing. I've basically mastered those. To get to the next level I would need training, and the company is not in a financial position to provide that training. Will it always be this way or do I just have to be patient? I find the politics in this organization a big downer - it seems unnecessary and an impedance to any type of progress. Even the politics are boring to me. Additionally, my recent history in this job is very similar to the frustrating situations that caused me to leave computer programming 10 years ago - I am the queen of the cancelled project.

Perhaps my perception is a bit off - surely everyone works on projects that get cancelled. Given my personal work history, I am unusually sensitive to it.

My therapist suggests that "I am not listening to all of the voices" that represent my values and needs for work. That's an interesting perspective. Now I need to figure out what these voices are, find out what they are telling me, and maybe then, form an action plan.

Pumpkin Cheesecake and Fear

For Thanksgiving, I made Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake.

Our newspaper, the Kansas City Star, had a Thanksgiving menu section last weekend and this recipe was included. It sounded like a nice alternative to pumpkin pie. An added bonus was that the recipe was from Lidia's Restaurant in Kansas City, from one of her pastry chefs.

It was good, rich variation on tradition. I'm not sure I'll make it again, though. Cheesecakes are rather labor-intensive and the recipes usually make a huge cake. I could eat cake at every meal, but that's probably not very healthy. I'm limiting it to one piece a day.

(As I reread the nutritional information, I'm glad I lightened it up by using neufchatel cheese for 2 of the 3 blocks of cream cheese. It probably helped lower the calories and fat, but not as much as I'd like to tell myself! I also used Redi-Wip instead of real whipped cream. Honestly, I just didn't feel like making real whipped cream.)

I made a side dish from the same menu section in the paper: Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Pickled Cranberries and Plum Vinaigrette. It sounded crazy enough to try and it was surprisingly tasty. I made one major change to the recipe. I didn't know what "plum sauce" was (in the vinaigrette) so I substituted red currant jelly. I had that left over from a sweet-sour (fake) meatball dish I had made. It worked out fine - I only needed about 1 tbsp - and it gave the dressing a fruity-tart flavor without overpowering it.

I do like brussels sprouts, and I doubt this recipe will convert anyone. Surprisingly, the pickled cranberries filled the role of "cranberry sauce" in our Thanksgiving menu. This recipe is a two-fer!


A month ago, I wrote about fear. It's still here, but I've taken several steps to improve things. First, I am seeing a counselor for a little while. Second, my first "homework" from this counseling is to get a massage. Sounds good to me. Third, I've contacted a housecleaning service and they start on Friday.

The counselor has recommended listening to several recorded books. I've started one by Pema Chodron, called the Pema Chodron Audio Collection. It contains three works: Pure Meditation, Good Medicine, and From Fear to Fearlessness. I'm about half way through the first one. Pema has a soothing voice and calming demeanor, and I like her slight New York/Long Island accent.

The second book is by Harriet Lerner called Fear and Other Uninvited Guests. I was eager to read this one on the Kindle, but I could only find it as an audiobook. Oh well, guess I'll get to it after I'm done with Chodron.

The counselor commented that I seem unhappy with my job. It surprised me to hear that from someone else. I suppose I am, although I wish I were not discontented at all. This is supposed to be the ideal job for me. I thought I was old enough to stay in one job for a long time and I don't really want to change. I have some ideas of why I'm not liking the job right now, but a single cause is not clear. More to come.