Dad is here in town (at a long-term care facility a.k.a. nursing home) and I'm trying to find equilibrium in visiting him, spending time with my husband, and caring for myself. I'm making my best guess for how much "me" time I need, but really, it's ending up trial and error and trial again.
Caring for Dad is difficult. He doesn't or can't communicate. He seems content to be a lump. He enjoys visits and he seems to like the interaction when I'm there. On the good side, he doesn't impose any guilt on me for not visiting as expected. On the bad side, he does not seem to care whether I show up or not. He doesn't seem interested in anything.
I am feeling some guilt about not seeing him "enough." Truth be told, I see him plenty. My goal is 3 times a week and I try to spend about an hour or so each time. I bring something to do or work on while we're together. More interaction would probably be better for him. Yet, I can't do it all.
How am I to take care of myself so I have the energy to work my difficult job, get some exercise, eat well, get some sleep, keep up with friends, do something fun once in a while, and pursue my hobbies?
I have not figured it out yet.
As I feel my way through the unknown, I'm stress eating some. I've gained a couple of pounds, which isn't something to panic over, but it is something to keep aware of, before it becomes a habit.
I'm spending money on stuff. Stuff I don't really need, but stuff I just want. I bought myself a small refrigerator for the office. I bought more work clothes (one could argue I do need the clothes). I bought some earrings. I bought a ring (and I don't wear rings very often, except my wedding and engagement rings).
I'm drinking alcohol a bit more. Instead of only on the weekends, I'l have a glass of wine or two when I get home maybe 2 nights a week. Again, not panic-worthy, but something to observe.
I'm having stress dreams - dreams in which something bad happens to me or someone in the dream. In one, I had kidney disease. Given that I'm working with the hospital's solid organ transplant center right now, I know where my subconscious came up with that one! Several dreams have been about me having a health problem.
It's hard. I knew it would be, and I'm not really complaining or feeling like a victim. It's hard and it is an adjustment. I'm afraid something will have to go from my hobbies, and I'm thinking it will be the wind symphony. I really liked the group and playing music, but it's too much pressure. I don't want an activity that requires so much work, where I will possibly feel bad if I don't practice and learn my parts well.
At least I have about 2 months to figure it out.
