This weekend I got a call from a friend from college. We had a really nice conversation, but I left it feeling old. Her daughter just finished her first year of college. When did I get old enough to have a friend with a kid in college?
Yeh. Over the last 19 years, mush-for-brains.
As we talked, the conversation centered on her kids, her health, and her job. We talked a little about me - I did more listening this time. It was alright with me to do so. I was secretly pleased to hear of her health issues - that's one thing I did better than her! My health is good, hers is not so much. I know, I know...this is terrible of me to admit, and I certainly don't wish ill health on her and she hasn't had an easy life, by any stretch of the imagination. She is closer to the norm of a 40 something female in America at this time - divorced, overweight, single-Mom, lonely and looking for answers, working in an underpaid female dominated industry, and two of her kids are learning disabled. Scraping by in the economy, but rich in relationships. She embodies American society.
In this human form, in our western culture, it is very hard not to compare and compete. I am not the norm. I envy her conformity, in some ways.
It is hard to transition psychologically from being the hope for the future, to being the establishment. From being young to being old. From wishing and dreaming to remembering and sometimes regretting. From having endless possibilities, to living with the consequences of your choices (good and bad).
Nobody teaches you this in a real sense. This life down here is really hard.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Whew!
I had a pretty good day at work yesterday and I would like to write about a few things.
My IV skills are staying about the same. I have been having some bad luck in the last several weeks but yesterday I placed 4 out of 7 attempts successfully. Not bad and I only had to get help once! I still get a thrill on placing an IV successfully - I hope that feeling lasts. And, don't worry, those 7 attempts were on 3 different people and two of them needed 2 IVs. I didn't poke 1 person 7 times!!!
I got all my paperwork done at a reasonable pace. I wasn't pushed too much. My patients were generally pleasant people. It was sunny outside and I got my lunch break on time. I got a couple of breaks. I got to chit chat with some of my favorite colleagues on the job (even one of the doctors). I am a happy woman.
One of my patients was nearly my age - about 6 months older than me. His cardiac cath revealed that he has severe coronary artery disease and he will go for bypass surgery this week. It gives me pause when my contemporaries come in, and have bad disease. You hope they are all false alarms!! He should do very well with the surgery, however, I am not sure he understands how his life will change in the future. I don't know if anyone talks to him about his risks in the future, such as possible heart rhythm changes necessitating a pacemaker, possible restentosis of the bypass grafts requiring a second bypass. If the disease continues, he will be out of options - they can only do bypass twice.
Of course, technology may be very different in 20 years and there may be more options available then.
I don't know what the "right" answer is - in this person's case, without surgery it is very likely he will die young from a massive heart attack. The kind where the person just keels over one day and hopefully doesn't survive...because if he did survive he'd likely have a lousy life remaining. There may be no value in giving him all the information about what is to come after bypass - and it may even be a detriment because it could cause him to delay or cancel the surgery with dire results.
But I digress. I've digressed along these lines before; I think the decision process for surgery is fascinating and complicated.
My point in writing about this patient is that he had two 11 year old children - twin girls - that came to see him. I found those kids insufferable. Yakkity yakkity yak. No seriousness. You'd think they'd have some sense of the situation, that Daddy's in the hospital and he's going to have major surgery. He could die. He could even die before the surgery. Nope.
On the one hand they are ignorant and I suppose their parents did not impress upon them the seriousness of the situation.
On the other hand, they are 11 years old and should have some idea about what a hospital is and why people go there, and such. Maybe no one ever taught them about it.
Maybe Mom and Dad don't appreciate the situation, either.
Broken family. Naturally, Mom and Dad are divorced. Dad's "main family contact" is his ex-wife. I just don't get that. If you need to remove someone as intimate as a spouse from your life, why do you continue to hang around with them? When you have broken the family, why do you continue to act as a family when it's convenient?
My subject for this post refers to how relieved I was that I was turned off by the kids. Yes, I am not parent material after all, and despite my doubts, not being a parent is really the right thing.
My IV skills are staying about the same. I have been having some bad luck in the last several weeks but yesterday I placed 4 out of 7 attempts successfully. Not bad and I only had to get help once! I still get a thrill on placing an IV successfully - I hope that feeling lasts. And, don't worry, those 7 attempts were on 3 different people and two of them needed 2 IVs. I didn't poke 1 person 7 times!!!
I got all my paperwork done at a reasonable pace. I wasn't pushed too much. My patients were generally pleasant people. It was sunny outside and I got my lunch break on time. I got a couple of breaks. I got to chit chat with some of my favorite colleagues on the job (even one of the doctors). I am a happy woman.
One of my patients was nearly my age - about 6 months older than me. His cardiac cath revealed that he has severe coronary artery disease and he will go for bypass surgery this week. It gives me pause when my contemporaries come in, and have bad disease. You hope they are all false alarms!! He should do very well with the surgery, however, I am not sure he understands how his life will change in the future. I don't know if anyone talks to him about his risks in the future, such as possible heart rhythm changes necessitating a pacemaker, possible restentosis of the bypass grafts requiring a second bypass. If the disease continues, he will be out of options - they can only do bypass twice.
Of course, technology may be very different in 20 years and there may be more options available then.
I don't know what the "right" answer is - in this person's case, without surgery it is very likely he will die young from a massive heart attack. The kind where the person just keels over one day and hopefully doesn't survive...because if he did survive he'd likely have a lousy life remaining. There may be no value in giving him all the information about what is to come after bypass - and it may even be a detriment because it could cause him to delay or cancel the surgery with dire results.
But I digress. I've digressed along these lines before; I think the decision process for surgery is fascinating and complicated.
My point in writing about this patient is that he had two 11 year old children - twin girls - that came to see him. I found those kids insufferable. Yakkity yakkity yak. No seriousness. You'd think they'd have some sense of the situation, that Daddy's in the hospital and he's going to have major surgery. He could die. He could even die before the surgery. Nope.
On the one hand they are ignorant and I suppose their parents did not impress upon them the seriousness of the situation.
On the other hand, they are 11 years old and should have some idea about what a hospital is and why people go there, and such. Maybe no one ever taught them about it.
Maybe Mom and Dad don't appreciate the situation, either.
Broken family. Naturally, Mom and Dad are divorced. Dad's "main family contact" is his ex-wife. I just don't get that. If you need to remove someone as intimate as a spouse from your life, why do you continue to hang around with them? When you have broken the family, why do you continue to act as a family when it's convenient?
My subject for this post refers to how relieved I was that I was turned off by the kids. Yes, I am not parent material after all, and despite my doubts, not being a parent is really the right thing.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
The Poker Group
I belong to a poker group. Nothing formal, we get together about every 2 weeks at someone's house and play Texas Hold 'Em, no limit tournament style. A little bit of money is involved. I have learned how to play reasonably well, which makes it that much more fun. Some days the cards go in my favor, some times they don't. Often I get mediocre cards, and the trick is all in how I play them. Much like life.
I think about poker and the differences in how women and men play. As you might guess, as a female, I am in the minority - I'm usually not alone, but last night was pretty typical - 4 men, 2 women. It was an average night of play for me; I was out early in the first game, but took second place in the second game. Taking home some money satisfies me. As long as I play fairly well and get a few good hands, I am happy. Of course I prefer to win, but it's not like the men. They really like to win.
Men like to bluff in a poker game. They like to get the better of someone by bullshitting them, achieving this seems to be a badge of honor. As I thought a bit, I saw similarities in the poker bluff and to men go about pursuing women when dating - they try to bluff their way into seeming just a little bit richer, more clever, luckier, more glib, more socially connected, etc. than they really are. That's all in the game. If the poker bluff fails, they still get admiration from their peers - that was a ballsy move.
I generally don't bluff. Every once in a while I try it and occasionally it works. Sometimes my bluff starts out legitimate, and it falls apart when the flop, turn, and river are revealed. Usually I stop my losses when I see my chances slip away, I'm such a wimp!
Experience has helped. I know what a good hand is and I pretty much know how to bet it. I could learn more about pot odds, reading other players' actions better, modifying my behavior to play the cards I have better. Practice and a little research would help; in fact, I read most of Phil Hellmuth's book on Texas Hold 'Em and it improved my game significantly. It gave me a different way of thinking about the game and the players.
I doubt I'd ever make any real money playing poker. It's fun. It's social. And most importantly, it's something my spouse and I do together. Very valuable.
I think about poker and the differences in how women and men play. As you might guess, as a female, I am in the minority - I'm usually not alone, but last night was pretty typical - 4 men, 2 women. It was an average night of play for me; I was out early in the first game, but took second place in the second game. Taking home some money satisfies me. As long as I play fairly well and get a few good hands, I am happy. Of course I prefer to win, but it's not like the men. They really like to win.
Men like to bluff in a poker game. They like to get the better of someone by bullshitting them, achieving this seems to be a badge of honor. As I thought a bit, I saw similarities in the poker bluff and to men go about pursuing women when dating - they try to bluff their way into seeming just a little bit richer, more clever, luckier, more glib, more socially connected, etc. than they really are. That's all in the game. If the poker bluff fails, they still get admiration from their peers - that was a ballsy move.
I generally don't bluff. Every once in a while I try it and occasionally it works. Sometimes my bluff starts out legitimate, and it falls apart when the flop, turn, and river are revealed. Usually I stop my losses when I see my chances slip away, I'm such a wimp!
Experience has helped. I know what a good hand is and I pretty much know how to bet it. I could learn more about pot odds, reading other players' actions better, modifying my behavior to play the cards I have better. Practice and a little research would help; in fact, I read most of Phil Hellmuth's book on Texas Hold 'Em and it improved my game significantly. It gave me a different way of thinking about the game and the players.
I doubt I'd ever make any real money playing poker. It's fun. It's social. And most importantly, it's something my spouse and I do together. Very valuable.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Yearning for Adventure
In my quest to become the type of person I admire, I have made some changes in my life. One of the motivations of my career change was to become one of those career changers - I have admired them, and now I am one!
Near the end of my 30s I realized how few places I have been in the world. I admire those young people who put off their careers in order to travel. I admire people who speak more than one language. I want to be like them and I made the resolution to do it. This is one reason why I started to learn Spanish on my own. I figured I was getting older anyway. Might as well learn something and be a little smarter at 48 than I was at 38....
The trip to Japan in October is a result of this desire to become more experienced in international travel. I have only rarely been in a place where I was totally different, where the culture and the environment is so very different. I think it will be good for me to experience some culture shock. See other ways to live.
Once I did go to Israel with a church group. I was eager to get away from the safety of the tour group (when possible) and try to get around on my own. I did. In the market place of Jerusalem, in the old city, the vendors shouted out to me in German. Not English....until I muttered "no, thank you." Then their trinkets cost one dollar, not ein deutchmark.
I am a free woman. I don't have my own family to tie me down. My job is terrific but not something I feel compelled to keep at all costs. I have a house and pets, and I enjoy my activities in my community. Yet, I am free. My friendships are fluid, not binding. My family of origin is not dependent on me. I am not a caregiver (except professionally). No one needs me. I am healthy, and I do have some money.
So why don't I exploit my situation?
I don't know. Why don't I?
A coworker brought to my attention the lifestyle of being a travel nurse to the middle east. Saudi Arabia, to be precise. The pay is outrageous, the money is not taxed in the kingdom, and the lifestyle is supported (housing, transportation, etc.). There's 7 weeks of vacation a year, when I could visit Europe or Africa. There's an active expat community living in specialized housing to insulate me from the middle eastern culture when I would want it.
This coworker is thinking seriously about doing it - she is a free woman as well. How fun it would be to go with her and have a year-long adventure half way around the world, and be much richer in many ways for doing it.
To be honest, the idea has interested me. Could I do it? Would I do it?
Fear keeps me from really thinking about it seriously. I mean, there's so much to arrange. Who will take care of my dear pets? What about the house? My car? My job? What about my parents?
Fear is a lousy excuse. My husband could probably get work there, himself, being in the computer field. And he said that he could be talked into it.
I wonder...
Near the end of my 30s I realized how few places I have been in the world. I admire those young people who put off their careers in order to travel. I admire people who speak more than one language. I want to be like them and I made the resolution to do it. This is one reason why I started to learn Spanish on my own. I figured I was getting older anyway. Might as well learn something and be a little smarter at 48 than I was at 38....
The trip to Japan in October is a result of this desire to become more experienced in international travel. I have only rarely been in a place where I was totally different, where the culture and the environment is so very different. I think it will be good for me to experience some culture shock. See other ways to live.
Once I did go to Israel with a church group. I was eager to get away from the safety of the tour group (when possible) and try to get around on my own. I did. In the market place of Jerusalem, in the old city, the vendors shouted out to me in German. Not English....until I muttered "no, thank you." Then their trinkets cost one dollar, not ein deutchmark.
I am a free woman. I don't have my own family to tie me down. My job is terrific but not something I feel compelled to keep at all costs. I have a house and pets, and I enjoy my activities in my community. Yet, I am free. My friendships are fluid, not binding. My family of origin is not dependent on me. I am not a caregiver (except professionally). No one needs me. I am healthy, and I do have some money.
So why don't I exploit my situation?
I don't know. Why don't I?
A coworker brought to my attention the lifestyle of being a travel nurse to the middle east. Saudi Arabia, to be precise. The pay is outrageous, the money is not taxed in the kingdom, and the lifestyle is supported (housing, transportation, etc.). There's 7 weeks of vacation a year, when I could visit Europe or Africa. There's an active expat community living in specialized housing to insulate me from the middle eastern culture when I would want it.
This coworker is thinking seriously about doing it - she is a free woman as well. How fun it would be to go with her and have a year-long adventure half way around the world, and be much richer in many ways for doing it.
To be honest, the idea has interested me. Could I do it? Would I do it?
Fear keeps me from really thinking about it seriously. I mean, there's so much to arrange. Who will take care of my dear pets? What about the house? My car? My job? What about my parents?
Fear is a lousy excuse. My husband could probably get work there, himself, being in the computer field. And he said that he could be talked into it.
I wonder...
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